and all the while the stars are slowly separating

finally some people on the farm have actually acknowledged that I have not had the support or training I was due when starting my new job running the nursery, especially as it's the only solitary job on the farm and it's so high pressure. it's affirming to have people finally see that but I also wish it hadn't taken me getting ill for a month and then hitting a wall of depression for people to notice that I need help. sometimes being perceived as strong and capable is shit actually when it reaches a point where people don't think they need to help you or empathise with you because they assume you've got it in hand. and I can't be doing another season like this. S was right when she said I'm finding this harder than other jobs because I care about it more, and that's true, but I've seen burnout develop into chronic illness in my friends and loved ones and I can see it going that way if something doesn't change.

I used to need a great deal of composure and exactly *the right* day and moment to cut my fringe without completely fucking it up but today I cut a really good fringe despite feeling like utter dogshit. new skill unlocked I guess.