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okay, I can't sleep. miserable cold, could drive around but don't want to. I'm thinking "well I can drive away." to where? and then what? in a few hours I get tired and it's too cold to sleep in my car I would die. so I'm stuck here in the room. what to do. read a book I can't focus on. idk tv shows or movies. I don't have any drugs or alcohol. what do people do?

and having these retarded health problems in a body that never needed to fucking happen. there is no excuse for being born. no justification for it.

sometimes feel so happy about possibility and life and return to reality (lack of possibility) with my hatred of human beings. my hatred of everyone. I hate everyone. I genuinely hate them. I think this is maybe the appeal of libertarianism and neoliberalism sort of, the fantasy that you don't have to rely on other people and put up with them forever. I'd be happy to never talk to or look at anyone ever again.

what hope is there? everything is totally empty. everyone is empty. stupid annoying people I don't want to talk to.

I remember once when I was 20 and I had moved to Asheville, living on my own and I was really kind of amazed like hey wait why don't I have any friends? I really thought that life just began for people when you went through the motions. eg you're sort of odd (in what could be considered at least for the most part a quirky or interesting way) and socially unsuccessful in small town high school so you move to the city and therefore you must find a group, you inevitably do and life begins. I was shocked when this didn't happen and I remember looking up online "how to make friends." and people were putting up all of these suggestions etc and someone eventually said "some people do just go through life without friends." that kind of stuck with me. it's maybe a fear in a way. it's an inevitability I don't want to confront. even if we get along on here you like my posts, which almost no one does btw, I really don't understand why 75% of you bother following me when you don't interact with my posts at all. like just unfollow are you retarded? whatever. even if you like me on here you wouldn't like me in person. I had a chance and it's over now. what is hope for me?

I don't wanna hear about anything.

with a project you can conquer anything, any emotion. some shit hurt my feelings just now but I have this project so I can lock in. i hate existing in two worlds. or no worlds really.

I wonder why God or fate or nature or whatever decided that my life should be this way. it really bugs me sometimes. why am I totally alone? it's really unusual. most people don't live like this. and I think back to the few and far between times I hung out irl with people who I didn't even like that much and I'm like wtf that was awesome. well. whatever. it wasn't. but this isn't awesome either. this sucks it's awful. or. it was nice.

all life is so miserable. all kinds of energy but too cold to go outside. and no reason to do so. all fucking stupid.

horribly painful to be totally uninterested in anything.