Stefanía

La Revelación, Mexico, 1986

I don't feel regret from the things that I've done in search of my freedom.

I won't regret the stuff I've done, even my worst mistakes, because it means I was free to make them my own.

I am free and in search of what freedom feels like. I've been confused between the meaning of destruction and freedom.

They sound the same to me.

Double-edged sword.

I was locked up inside the tower; but my room wasn't upstairs, I didn't have a window to look out from and yearn.

I like knives that are sharp

I like knives that are dull and I can grasp

I like slim knives I like butcher knives

I like knives that have teeth

Boring, even when I look at you up close

My little act of self destruction, because

And when I'm warm, it's too hot

I uncover myself to feel the breeze

But instead I sense the sharp needles in my skin

I feel cold, i freeze

And when I'm gone it's peace

My head hurts, my eyes can't focus

My blank thoughts take control

And suddenly

I can only hear the white noise my fan is making

It's not that I'm faking

Simply, I enjoy being self destructive

The need to feel something takes over me

So I don't listen, nor do I think

I'm feeling good, but I can feel better or worse

I always need more

My head is pounding and my brain tries to escape

All this thinking makes me feel great

I like to experience it

Even if it's only pain

Because after all

I once hated everything I loved

And maybe I'm wired