Silent Reverie

Growing up, I was told by a few people that I have a strange way of thinking, peculiar taste in music, and a weird sense in literature. I paid no attention. When I was 18, I was called a genius, for being able to solve equations and questions faster than my peers can, for being able to learn different kinds of musical instruments in a short amount of time, for taking more subjects than it was required in college, for having the patience to learn more than 5 foreign languages. I was also called too emotional by my family. That I can’t control my anger, that I was just too into the movies that I watch, that my tears are just like everybody else’s. I still paid no attention. I just thought that I was normal, just a little bit different, and that there are a lot more people just like me.

It was not until my graduation that I realised that I was not as normal as my friends. At times I can be extremely restless, I can write my thesis faster than my peers, not needing sleep for a few days, that I only have a meal once a day because I don’t feel like eating, went to shows, rehearsing and performing, not feeling as lethargic as my bandmates who almost fell asleep during soundcheck. Sometimes my friends say that I talk too much and won’t stop, and I didn’t even realise I was being noisy. I didn’t know that these are all symptoms of my hypomania.

But on other days, when the wave of depression comes, I can barely speak. I don’t talk, I don’t eat, I just sleep. I was even being scolded by my family that I sleep too much. I dread waking up everyday, wishing that I could just fly away. After graduation, in 2015, I was in a very bad condition. I deleted all my social media accounts, except for Twitter and Tumblr, I deleted most of my contact numbers, I did not want to go out with my friends and family, I stayed at home, reading books after books and playing music, while my friends are out and about, marrying the love of their lives, having successful jobs and pursuing their education. I was really bad in 2016. I started to injure myself. Up until now, I didn’t even remember whether most of the injuries are intentional or accidents. I cut myself deep when they thought that I was sleeping, only to retract, for fearing that they would have to deal a bigger problem with me being dead. The pain doesn’t come early though. It was only when I have woken up from my depressive episode that I felt the stinging pain from the injuries I did to myself. I tried talking to a few friends, most of which are just saying that I have to be closer to God so I won’t be that depressed, that I have to take control of my life back, that I have to make use of my degree. 

And now at 25, I am diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. I went to see the psychiatrist because I was worried the attacks and episodes will cause harm to the people in my surroundings. I almost got into an accident, and most of the times, I felt like the world is too noisy, and that I am alone with my thoughts. But now I am currently on a mood stabiliser, Sodium Valproate, and I think it helped a little bit.

Now, after collecting myself, I am in my second semester for a Master’s Degree in Petroleum Engineering, and at the same time am still trying to write and compose music. I know that my mental illness won’t just fade away as I used to have recurring extreme depressive episodes. The scars on my wrist and my body are still there. I just hope that I will be able to finish what I started and be happy about my life. As of now, I’m trying to slowly tell my family and friends of my mental health, which is very hard for me to do, only a few of them knows about my condition now. I want to be better, I want to be normal. I wish to be normal, to be in love with someone, to make my family proud, to be a great friend. To be happy.

So

Now that a weight have been lifted of my chest by writing all of these, I would really like it if anyone have bipolar disorder or depression or any kinds of mental illness, to talk to me or to discuss about mental health issues with me? Like, how do you manage yourself after being diagnosed, how do you control your emotions, how do you tell your friends that you are different, and are you still on mood stabilizers? I am quite new to this so...

Anyways, 

Thank you for reading. Please take mental health seriously.