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Act like I dont care and im ruthless

But its really fucken eating me up

7:18 - "For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not so the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging a war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me."

I find myself constantly kicking myself for the way I let evil consume me, but while knowing with my whole heart that I need to surrender myself to the Lord and start living how he wants me to, I keep forcing myself into this pit of darkness. I feel like I need to live with my head in the ground and a mouthful of pills.