feeling whitney

griffin: you back on campus yet??

griffin: i hope you had a great christmas with your fam but i miss you dearly

lot   had   seen   griffin   slip   into   her   inner   void   more   times   than   most   had   .   he   knew   that   this   was   just   part   of   his   friend   &   there   wasn’t   much   to   do   about   it   than   just   sit   back   &   stay   out   of   the   way   .   especially   when   the   void   was   ANGRY   .   it   always   just   made   things   better   for   the   both   of   them   .   so   ,   lot   was   settled   on   his   bed   in   his   dorm   as   griffin   paced   in   front   of   him   ,   snapping   pencils   left   &   right   as   she   ranted   .   the   boy   knew   that   this   is   just   one   way   that   she   blew   off   steam   ,   but   he   also   benefited   from   the   anger   management   skill   .   he   had   a   whole   box   full   of   her   broken   pencils   ,   some   with   erasers   on   top   ,   some   with   the   lead   still   intact   .   those   broken   pieces   typically   took   the   role   of   his   standard   writing   utensils   .   occasionally   ,   lot   would   try   to   tape   the   eraser   piece   back   to   a   writing   piece   ,   but   mostly   ,   he   would   just   carry   around   two   chunks   of   a   working   pencil   &   call   it   a   day   .   

at   this   point   in   time   ,   lot   gripped   a   pencil   being   held   together   by   pink   duct   tape   &   scribbled   down   some   SHITTY   lines   of   poetry   about   feeling   isolated   &   exposed   all   at   once   as   griffin   rattled   on   .   he   had   to   do   something   to   keep   his   mind   &   fingers   busy   .   "   yeah   ,   i   don’t   know   ,   griff   .   i   agree   .   it   seems   kind   of   weird   .   i   mean   ,   who’s   around   to   run   the   covington   chronicles   ,   anyway   ?   plus   ,   last   i   checked   ,   melanie   wasn’t   born   in   1973   .   but   maybe   she   just   had   a   dope   skincare   routine   ,   "   he   shrugged   ,   throwing   out   some   theories   of   his   own   .   it   all   did   seem   kind   of   fishy   .   lot   glanced   up   from   his   journal   ,   giving   his   friend   a   warm   smile   .   "   you   know   i   wouldn’t   let   you   ROT   in   a   hotel   room   ,   though   .   especially   not   one   of   the   shitty   ones   around   here   .   i   would   let   you   rot   in   a   hilton   ,   maybe   .   perhaps   that   one   in   vegas   .   but   never   a   hemlock   hotel   ,   "   he   teased   ,   smirking   faintly   .

even  in  this  state,  griffin  still  subconsciously  thought  of  lot’s  wellbeing.  it  came  across  in  little  things  such  as  not  completely  demolishing  the  pencils  so  lot  could  use  them  in  the  future  or  larger  things  like  the  fact  she  couldn’t  go  absolutely  go  feral  because  there  was  no  way  in  hell  she  was  giving  either  one  of  them  more  damage.  there  were  chaotic  things  that  her  void  tried  to  convince  her  to  do,  sure.  griffin  had  already  contemplated  just  walking  off  of  campus  despite  their  hold  or  giving  a  false  murder  confession  just  to  put  everybody  out  of  their  miseries.  but  yeah,  no,  she  wasn’t  going  to  fucking  do  these  things  because  of  lot,  her  anchor.

@GLOTINMYRARI : a finsta by griffin and @hauntingfm

besides  the  family  size  bottle  of  ketchup,  griffin’s  fridge  was  empty.  she’d  already  spent  a  hefty  amount  of  her  savings  on  having  a  few  deliveries  and  meals  sent  to  campus,  and  truthfully  had  no  choice  but  to  give  into  dining  hall  food.  if  griffin  thought  they  were  already  being  treated  like  prisoners,  she  clearly  wasn’t  prepared  for  the  prison  like  food  that  was  set  out.  she  hesitantly  placed  the  mac  n  cheese  on  her  plate  (the  only  thing  available  for  her  vegetarian  self  that  she  could  recognize),  and  set  out  to  find  a  table.  considering  that  there  were  so  little  people  on  campus,  it’s  not  a  shock  that  griffin  and  miles  happened  to  be  the  only  ones  in  the  dining  hall.  it  was  comforting  to  see  a  friend  and  griffin  approached  him  with  a  smile. “this  seat  taken?”  griffin  questioned,  head  nodding  to  the  seat  across  from  miles.

 part  of  griffin  had  convinced  herself  that  she  was  over  taking  care  of  people  who  were  immensely  damaged  from  the  news  of  melanie’s  death.  although  taking  care  of  others  is  what  she  did,  she  could  hardly  handle  the  news  herself.  she  was  beyond  confused  and  ...  upset.  her  emotions  tugged  back  and  forth  between  anger  to  a  classic  type  of  grieving  where  she’d  wipe  away  a  tear  every  time  she  saw  something  that  even  reminded  her  of  melanie  in  the  slightest.  seriously,  a  tear  was  wiped  right  as  she  laid  eyes  on  rumor.  fuck.  griffin  couldn’t  even  imagine  what  he  was  going  through  and  even  though  she’d  previously  lamented  to  herself  that  she  wouldn’t  take  care  of  another  person  she  found  herself  approaching  him  with  a  deep  breath  to  flip  on  her  caring  mask. “hey,  rumor.  you  want  to  get  coffee  or  something?”  no  how  are  you?  or  oh  i’m  so  sorry,  she  was  sure  he’d  heard  enough  of  it.  the  best  thing  griffin  could  think  of  was  to  somehow  take  his  mind  off  the  situation.

 surprisingly,  griffin’s  job  brought  her  the  biggest  amount  of  sanity  she’d  felt  in  a  long  time.  she  loved  the  strict  schedule  and  organizing  schedules  and  deliveries  for  clients,  and  even  taking  care  of  some  of  the  plants  when  she  had  downtime.  an  additional  downside  of  being  stuck  on  campus  was  that  she  couldn’t  go  into  work,  and  griffin  desperately  missed  foxglove.  however,  not  all  hope  was  lost.  she  remembered  that  she  had  one ‘client’  on  campus  who  she  could  turn  to:  wolfie. although  the  boy  had  a  seemingly  endless  streak  of  killing  plants,  she  was  prepared  to  spend  the  entire  day  reviving  his  plant  if  it  died.  after  the  recent  news,  the  last  thing  they  needed  was  someone  or  something  else  to  croak.  plus,  his  company  would  be  a  good  distraction  for  the  flaming  anger  that  filled  every  crevice  of  her  body.  even  though  griffin  texted  wolfie  on  her  way  over,  she  still  let  out  a  soft “wolfie?  it’s  griffin,”  as  she  knocked  on  his  door.

 right  about  now,  griffin  needed  something  to  lighten  her  mood.  ever  since  the  obituaries  were  posted,  she  was  constantly  filled  with  some  concoction  of  pure  anger,  sadness,  and  confusion.  often,  whiskey  was  what  tied  the  whole  emotional  tornado.  despite  everything,  she  was  thankful  that  she  at  least  had  some  friends  stuck  with  her  on  campus.  it  was  comforting,  to  say  the  least.  their  presence  was  often  enough  to  take  her  mind  off  the  tragedy  and  griffin  was  close  to  paying  any  of  them  to  get  her  the  fuck  out  of  her  cursed  apartment.  and  even  though  she  couldn’t  ignore  the  pit  in  her  stomach,  she  could  at  least  pretend  to  around  her  friends. “what  do  you  think  would  happen  if  i  just  bolted  off  of  campus  and  went  to  taco  bell  to  get  a  baja  blast?”  griffin  questioned,  eyes  squinting  as  she  rolled  over  on  her  back  on  the  floor.  “seriously,  would  they  just  put  me  in  jail?  like  that’d  just  be  the  same  as  staying  on  this  campus.  you  think  it’s  worth  it?”

                        THERE’S A FINE LINE BETWEEN taking care of oneself in a time of need, and being downright disrespectful. maverick teeters on that line: melanie isn’t just anyone to him, as evidenced by the fact that he is still HERE. she wasn’t a best friend, an ex, a dream—she was melanie rivera, the smile and the voice, who came in and out of his life at different chapters, exuding confidence that inspired him to crack his own shell. and she was gone. perhaps the confusion of even how to feel had fatigued his mind, causing him to draw the conclusion that aimlessly drinking would be the optimal cure.

it was one of the many VICIOUS habits maverick had developed over the years—not that he’d ever admit that it was a problem. still, eyes of scrutiny would always put pressure on his heart, and griffin was the perfect company to leave covington behind and just forget. “ you absolute ANGEL, you, ” he says before pausing. he supposes griffin has run through the same dilemma, even moreso because she was melanie’s roommate. “ shit … um. yeah … if you want to crash on my couch, um … feel free, ” he says—it’s a weak offer of comfort, but the bit of compassion still reachable in maverick’s heart knows it is the right thing to do. “ top floor, huh? don’t want prying eyes or other people hopping in on our stash, huh? now that we can’t leave campus, i’m afraid our provisions are … well, limited. ” it’s a problem he’ll deal with another time. “ fuck it, let’s go. ” he wraps an arm across her shoulder, heading for the staircase. 

griffin’s  coping  mechanisms  were  unhealthy  across  the  board.  no  matter  the  situation,  she  either  shoved  her  feelings  down  so  deep  and  covered  them  with  a  personality  that  nowhere  matched  her  true  feelings  or  let  the  feelings  surface  after  a  copious  amount  of  whiskey  and  a  friend.  she  could  usually  stick  with  the  former  mechanism  through  and  through,  but  things  had  gone  to  such  shit  that  she  was  finding  herself  depending  on  substances  (and  maverick)  more  often.  she  truly  didn’t  know  what  to  think  of  the  entire  situation.  between  the  tug  of  her  two  coping  mechanisms,  the  issues  she  had  with  melanie  beforehand,  keeping  her  general  fake  personality  up,  and  having  to  cope  with  her  first  major  loss  since  her  father,  griffin  was  fucked  to  say  the  least.  internally  she  was  fighting  a  beast  she  had  no  chance  of  taming  while  trying  to  physically  stay  calm  and  help  those  around  her.  griffin  just  needed  a  fucking  break  from  all  of  it  every  once  in  a  while;  a  chance  to  let  loose  and  cope  without  fear  of  judgment  and  her  run  in  with  maverick  was  the  perfect  opportunity.

“Well, you get used to it.” Victoria replied in a matter-of-fact tone, the conversation immediately taking an awkward dive. Still, Griffin didn’t seem to be leaving; in fact, from the way she was holding her cup, she seemed to be here to stay, at least for the drink. “I can’t go one morning without immediate coffee, though. Thank God they kept this place open even if half the campus is closed.” 

“maybe  i’ll  have  to  give  it  another  try  sometime,  except  it  seems  like  your  drink.  trademarked  and  all,”  griffin  responded  softly  with  a  small  shrug  of  her  shoulders.  although  there  might’ve  been  some  tension  and...  awkwardness  from  griffin  deciding  to  stick  around,  she  still  wanted  to  be  there  and  to  make  conversation. “you’re  absolutely  right.  if  they  closed  it,  we  all  would’ve  gone  insane.  no  question  about  it.  just...  absolutely  feral.”

michal started peeling the onion, a smile on her face matching the one on the face of her roommate. “i’ve postmated some pretty weird stuff before, so i’m right there with you,” she said with a laugh as she dragged the trashcan over to where she was standing with her foot. “like this one time i ordered five baja blasts and that was it. the dude looked at me like i was the most dehydrated motherfucker he had ever seen.” as she said that, she laughed, and tears began to fall from her eyes. “oof, when these onions hit ya, they hit ya.”

“five  baja  blasts?  i  love  it,”  she  responds  with  a  grin  and  a  soft  chuckle,  forcing  herself  to  loosen  up  even  more. “he  had  absolutely  no  right  to  judge.  that’s  prime  self  care  right  there.  maybe  we  should  order  that  one  night.”  the  offer  slipped  out  of  griffin’s  mouth,  but  she  meant  it  without  truly  realizing.  griffin  truly  wasn’t  sure  what  to  think  of  it,  and  the  last  thing  she  wanted  was  something  else  to  stress  over  so  she  just  rolled  with  it. “here,  try  this,”  griffin  offered,  pulling  a  pack  of  gum  out  of  the  drawer  and  sliding  it  michal’s  way. “apparently  it’s  supposed  to  help.  i  read  it  on  pinterest  once.”

❝ well, you know that saying, ‘you can never forget your first pair of gucci slides’ ?  very true. ❞ and it was also the first and only present she got from her sisters, not that it mattered to anyone but her. she was surprised, of course, when she received them at the beginning of her sennior year in high school, as she never had any contact with her mother’s side of the family before. but, at the time, it was a welcomed gestured, it signalized hope. of course she now knew the only reason she ever even got them, but it was important for her nonetheless. ❝ i still had hope of getting them back, but i guess they’re gone now too. ❞

❝ i’m not even sure why they didn’t let us go after that dumb interrogation. ❞ the brunette agreed, recalling the whole bizarre situation. ❝ it didn’t really look like they even had anything on us. i don’t understand how they narrowed it down to us. i didn’t even have contact with melanie. ❞ donatella had to force herself not to flinch at michal’s name, not really ready to unpack that situation, and smiled weakly at griffin. ❝ at least you’re not alone over there, that’s really what matters right now. ❞ not that going through anything alone was ever easy. ❝ i’m not going to lie, i’m a little freaked out. but i wasn’t melanie’s biggest fan so i was not really the most affected  by the whole thing.  ❞

 “i’ve  never  owned  a  pair  so  i  can’t  relate,  but  i  can  believe  it.  they’re  bound  to  have  a  special  place  in  your  heart,”  griffin  adds,  nodding  her  head  once  more.  if  griffin  knew  the  context  behind  the  first  pair  of  gucci  slides,  she  sincerely  would  have  empathized.  griffin  had  gifts  from  her  father  that  she  still  held  onto  despite  his  fate  and  what  he  put  the  family  through  that  might’ve  seemed...  odd  from  the  simplest  of  explanations.  still,  she  was  simply  shocked  by  the  expense  of  five  pairs  of  gucci  slides. “if  i  -  uh  -  somehow  come  across  them,  i’ll  let  you  know,”  she  offered,  getting  a  little  uncomfortable  at  the  thought  that  they’d  have  to  clean  out  melanie’s  room  eventually.  maybe  they  were  buried  somewhere  in  there.

 “i  agree.  they  got  the  information  they  needed  from  us.  if  they  had  additional  questions,  they  could’ve  let  us  know  instead  of  keeping  us  here,”  she  pointed  out,  shrugging  her  shoulders. “the  questions  were  too  broad,  almost  like  they  didn’t  even  have  a  direction  in  the  first  place.  and  you’re  right.  i  could  guess  why  i’m  here,  but  questioning  you  out  of  all  people?  it  seems  like  a  shot  in  the  dark  if  you  ask  me.”  griffin  didn’t  like  to  talk  this  much  about  melanie.  seriously,  she  was  aching  on  the  inside,  but  for  the  sake  of  helping  other  people  out,  she  forced  herself  to  talk  through  the  situation. “yeah,  it’s  nice  to  be  alone.  at  least  we’ve  got  each  other  and  the  other  twenty.  the  whole  thing  is  just  scary.”

   this was exactly what peyton hated about this place — the never ending bullshit. chatting lightly about it over books and essays with masked, forced smiles and thinly veiled curiosity… pey hated how much of a chore it felt. act normal. be normal. she’d never known what that meant, anyway. “a solution, yeah,” pey echoed, feeling checked out. she wondered if it had been anyone else, if this much fallout would happen? “i mean, what’s the worst that can happen when you contain a bunch of young adult stressed out students on campus during the holidays? jesus. it’s asking for a riot. and yet, everyone seems… pretty chill.” peyton wondered if griffin felt like they were all just waiting for the other shoe to drop, she just didn’t know how to ask it. 

 in  turn,  griffin  loved  normal.  she  longed  for  it.  after  a  childhood  straight  from  a  horror  movie,  she  was  happy  to  plaster  on  a  happy  face  and  make  small  talk  over  how  the  muffins  have  been  especially  good  at  bean  me  up  or  how  her  classes  are  going.  it  was  comfortable:  something  griffin  was  wishing  she  could  grasp  since  she  was  ten. “if  the  mood  wasn’t  so...  down,  i’m  sure  there  would  be  some  sort  of  riot.  like  lord  of  the  flies  or  something,”  griffin  agreed  with  a  nod  of  her  head.  “this  is  the  stupidest  comparison,  but  we’re  just  popcorn  kernels  waiting  to  pop.  once  everyone  grieves  and  comes  to  terms  with  the  whole  situation,  something  bad  is  bound  to  happen.”