For Will-
Waiting all day for someone to call at a certain time, keeping yourself purposefully calm and getting ready for the conversation so at 8:30 you’ll know exactly what to say and you won’t cry and you’ll figure things out together and then having them call you at that time and instead of calmly apologizing, essentially yell at you and very violently tell you that they refuse to have the conversation right now really puts things in perspective. This one goes out to you, Will Weeks, so listen, your homework is not more important than a fucking PERSON that you have been breaking every day for the past two weeks. Maybe you were raised in a house that made you think otherwise, that your grades and your schoolwork and getting into college are what matter most, but I am here to tell you that you are about to become an adult and if you keep treating people with as little respect as you just treated me, it won’t matter what your damn grades are- you won’t get anywhere in life. You cannot manipulate and use me and bend me and twist me so I adhere to your schedule just because you know I love you. Did you really think I was okay on the phone? I didn’t want to add to your stress so I said okay but the minute you hung up I had a full on anxiety attack. I. Was. Waiting. For. You. After all this time, you still can’t seem to grasp the idea of thinking about other people. The way you talked to me on the phone today was so so so cruel and unacceptable when it comes to talking to someone who loves you. Countless times I have told you how pathetic I feel in this situation we’re in, how insecure and vulnerable I am, and yet you don’t even consider it- if anything, you exploit it.
You’re stressed out. I’m sorry. I really am. Why do you think I spent three hours of my day doing your English homework in god damn fucking iambic pentameter? I care that you’re stressed out. I know it’s a real problem for you. I am not denying that. You’re stressed out? Me too. I’ve spent maybe an hour every day for the past two weeks in anxiety attacks, about you, about my unstable friends, about my major, my career, my future, but I’d never choose my schoolwork over a person I love that needs me, literally never. No. You don’t do this shit to a person you used to love- You don’t do this shit to any person you respect. And I respect myself enough to never forgive what you did to me today, because I think, out of everything, this is probably the worst thing you’ve ever done to me. Every day, you take advantage of me more and more, you treat me like I’m worth less than you more and more, and that phone call you just made- that was the last time you’ll have the opportunity to do so. I am in love with you, but I will never forgive you for the way you treated me today, or last night. This will leave a mark on our friendship, whatever scraps are left of it, and I don’t know if it will ever heal. But thank you, thank you for doing something so selfish that it made me realize none of this is worth crying over, not ever again. This is the last post I will make on this blog.
