Demons Inside My Head

She’s already getting married before me (we’re 4 years older than her and her fiancé, I’ve been with my fiancé much longer and we’re in a much more financially stable situation) and I’m incredibly jealous. I’ve always wanted to get married and I wanted to be the first.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be married…I’ve been waiting for a long long time to be engaged and to eventually be married.

And even though I’m stoked for people being engaged and spending their lives with the people they love, I also can’t help but feel extremely jealous and incredibly sad.

It consumes me.

I try not to count calories, but when I don’t I panic. I need to know how many calories I am eating.

This is so true for me right now.

So much stress with trying to graduate from college, I’m going crazy with this quarantine bullshit, I’m so fat and can’t lose weight, I want to be skinny now.

When I get bored I want to eat. When I eat I feel fat. When I feel fat I want to throw up. When I want to throw up I get incredibly depressed.

This quarantine is taking me so many steps back from working toward recovery.

I wish I could unzip my skin and just pull all the fat from my body.

I want to feel beautiful.

I want to be thin.

I remember my boyfriend’s ex telling me that he “doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend.”

“I’m gonna be on a beach.” I thought.

How in the fuck can someone eat 2000+ calories in a day and still look great??? You only burn like 150 calories just by walking around and you can’t tell how many calories you’re burning by lifting weights. And the only way you can really burn over 500 calories while doing cardio is to run at a decently fast pace for like a half hour straight.

I suddenly feel like every bite of anything I eat suddenly makes me gain 10 pounds and I feel fat as fuck.

I have little energy, my immune system turns to shit, and I’m lightheaded all the time.

All I want to do is sleep or go to the gym to burn as many calories as I can.