every time...... every single god damn time i think im done with this idiot
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@vodkaraised
every time...... every single god damn time i think im done with this idiot

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A devouring hunger, a complete, violent passion, like a storm.
Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary; 1939-1947 (via violentwavesofemotion)
if u want a fun fact about yulian then you should know he used acid to burn off his fingerprints all on his own and without any pain medication
𝙸 𝙰𝙼 𝙷𝚄𝙽𝙶𝚁𝚈 , i am a vengeful god / a being that demands payment ( i am a wolf with a gaping maw , i am sharp claws & sharper teeth , 𝘪 𝘢𝘮 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 ) LOOK INTO MY EYES , DEEPER ---- DEEPER place your delicate hand in my mouth don’t be surprised when my teeth clamp down and what are you ? 𝐚 𝐠𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫 ---- a woman scorned by the world . mortality is cruel ; humans are greedy , and they will take from you until they peel the skin back so they can steal your bones THE AIR IN HIS LUNGS IS FRIGID ( but i was born in the snow , ice has always lived in my veins / what will you think of me when i do not shy & shiver ? ) gaze narrow , grayed vision searching the gathering clouds for a storm
❝ i believe you . ❞
KOSCHEI , DEATHLESS REVIVED , RESURRECTION HOW MANY DEATHS HAVE I DIED TO FIND YOU ?
❝ i am cruel , but i am not unreasonable . ❞
ash lines the heels of his shoes , 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐨𝐨𝐭 ---- iridescent tears that cling to his skin ( i have never been kind , i was born with liquor on my lips & a bridge to burn ) brow furrows , hands extending idly towards her / as if extending across lifetimes , as if asking her to pry open his mouth & quench the rotten things that have existed in him for so long [ my heart festers , my bones crack , i am filled with such ugly things ; i am asking you to undo them ]
@FLAKELIKE
𝙴𝚅𝙸𝙻 𝙻𝙸𝚅𝙴𝚂 𝙷𝙴𝚁𝙴 , like something rotten taking root / a decay of human soul bound in the shape of a man with a cruel smile ( your words are acid , and your hands were created to be weapons ---- 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 ) he is cruel , and he is brutal / and yet you wonder if he sees the wolf in human skin across from him ; if he misplaces the calmness for placidity ---- 𝙞𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙣 𝙤𝙛 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙢𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙣 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙛𝙡𝙖𝙜𝙨 MY SMILE IS A WARNING SIGN , I BARE MY TEETH TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM READY TO BITE an animal raised on abandonment & bloodied knuckles , his brows furrow with an untempered curiosity ❝ say what you will , doctor , you will learn quickly that i am stubborn . ❞
❝ I DON’T WORK FOR OTHERS . ONLY MYSELF . ❞
tongue clicks against the hollow roof of his mouth / death’s laughter rattling in his iron - clad lungs , fingertips leave the impression of bullet holes as he begins to rise . the air around them thick ; starting to part his brutal mouth , to fill his mouth , to live in his throat until he can no longer breathe . * a sigh halts all , the world itself slamming to a stop ( why do y`ou feel so weak today ? what has made your knees tremble , o ‘ atlas ? what is it about this strange room , and this strange man , that has made your tongue tie itself in knots / that has allowed doubt to creep in ? ) A GAZE AS SHARP AS A KNIFE 𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭 𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧
❝ unless you can make it worth my while . ❞
@RBTNK

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𝙳𝙴𝙰𝚃𝙷𝙻𝙴𝚂𝚂 𝚆𝙸𝙽𝙳𝚂 𝙷𝙾𝚆𝙻 , a curse crushed by the nighttime / mother moon’s lowly wolf with gnashing teeth ---- how the blood tastes against his lips ! ( coppery & bitter , like acid / like cyanide on his tongue ) his teeth grind against the frost of wind , buffering itself against the torment of a rocky shore just beyond the treeline ---- 𝐫𝐚𝐳𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐩 𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐬 & 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐲 HE BEGINS TO ACHE , FOR HOW LONG HE HAS WAITED THERE nothing more than a shadow against the trees / nothing more than the whisp of smoke from his cigarette & the yawning of the abyss beneath him . cruelty makes a second home in his skin , 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙢𝙖𝙙𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙞𝙩 ( a child can only be weaned on poison for so long until they turn monstrous ) AS MUCH AS I HATE IT , I HAVE MY FATHERS SMILE i have his angry eyes & his mean mouth , i carry his rage well / my mother’s death burned out of me ❝ котенок , i was beginning to think you wouldn’t show up . ❞
HIS WOLFISH EYES IN MOONLIGHT SHINE LIKE NIGHTMARES
❝ ---- не думай что ты свободен . ❞ crescent moon tucked into the hallows of his smile / something vague & ghostly ( something deadly , something that gnaws at its own vacant bones )
@TRACKILL
Wolves have a territorial range of about 300 miles, and a kill range of 30. The Grey (2011) | dir. Joe Carnahan
How many futures — (how many different deaths can I die?)
Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals Of Sylvia Plath (via adrasteiax)
so what im thinking about how much yulian’s mom adored him before he was even born and how much she would have loved him and taken care of him if she had lived and how he looks so much like her he has her same eyes and hair color and facial structure except her’s was so softened and kind and his has been so scarred and hardened but if he’d just had a c h a n c e he would have been so much like her and maybe his dad hated him so much because yulian was such a mirrored image of her and maybe yulian loves art and literature so much is because all he’s ever had of his mom’s were her old diaries and old worn out classic novels that she adored and maybe her name was yelena and yulian thinks about her all the time mind your business

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bake a cake from scratch. ride a horse. drive a submarine. speak a second language. dance. catch a fish. play an instrument. throw a punch. build a deck. ice skate. unclog a drain. program a computer. change a flat tire. fire a gun. juggle. sew. play poker. paint. fly a kite. write poetry. change a diaper. sing. shoot a bow & arrow. ride a bike. swim. sail on a boat. do a back flip. play chess. give cpr. pitch a tent. flirt. stitch a wound. read palms. use chopsticks. write in cursive/calligraphy. use an electric drill. braid hair. make a campfire. make a mixed drink. do sudoku puzzles. wrap a gift. give a good massage. jump-start a car. roll their tongue. magic tricks. do yoga. tie a tie. skip a rock. shuffle a deck of cards. read morse code. pick a lock.
tagged by: @macabreatlas i lov u tagging: anyone who wants to say i tagged you !
Excerpt from The Complete Poems by Anne Sexton
My room le grand canal - Anne-Sophie Brabant (32 min)
“As with a wound on one’s own body, it is possible to develop an intimacy with the most disturbing of things.”
— Kazuo Ishiguro, A Pale View of Hills
NEGATIVE OC TRAITS
I. TRAITS
RULES: Bold what always applies, italicize occasional or situational
aggressive | arrogant | authoritarian | bitter | brutal | callous | cannibal | careless | cold/cold-hearted | compulsive | controlling | corrects others constantly | cowardly | critical | cruel | delusional | demanding | disillusioned | domineering | envious | emotionally stunted | greedy | grim | guarded | hard | harsh | hypocritical | impatient | impolite | intimidating | irritable | kidnapper | lazy | liar | lustful | materialistic | mean | merciless | messianic | mistrusting | murderer | narrow-minded | obsessive | opinionated | over-bearing | over-critical | over-emotional | over-thinking | patronizing | proud | remote | repressed | rigid | rules with an iron fist | ruthless | sarcastic | self-righteous | self-indulgent | serial killer | taciturn | torturer | touchy | traitorous | unsympathetic | unpredictable | uptight | vain | vengeful
II. BE YOUR WORST SELF QUIZ
You Are A Two-Faced Liar
your friends know you talk behind their backs . not that you're a bad person ---- you just can't help letting other people know how you really feel about some of the crazy stuff your loved ones have told you . unfortunately , you've talked and talked and talked , and now , they all know you'll talk if they confide in you . you know it , too , and you still can't help it . no matter how hard you try , you simply can't force yourself to be as loyal or honest as you want to be . at least you're charming enough to keep making new friends and replacing the ones who felt too hurt or betrayed to trust you again .

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𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝙴𝙴𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙳 𝙰𝙶𝙰𝙸𝙽𝚂𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙶𝚁𝙾𝚄𝙽𝙳 . dangerous / dangerous / dangerous . nighttime creeping against your skin , slithering up the length of bared arms ---- frostbite digging into the marrow ( threatening to freeze from the inside out ! ) all the lights dimmed , city in shadows / reckless & undone . a town made of sorrow & meat stripped bones / the buyan looming on the horizon ---- 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐚 𝐲𝐚𝐠𝐚 𝐬𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 ! with her mouth so mean , cruelty interlaced , stitched into each hair ---- tsarista of sin , of hours , of salted tears & bittered earth , don’t you hear the croons of someone like you ? 𝙸 𝙰𝙼 𝙰 𝚃𝚂𝙰𝚁 𝙸𝙽 𝙼𝚈 𝙾𝚆𝙽 𝚁𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃 ! creator of temptation , i was molded upon this earth to be nothing but ugly / barred teeth / the wolf slinks further into the light . growl torn from putrid flesh , his eyes turn the color of soot smeared on ashy pages . 𝙫𝙤𝙡𝙠 , 𝙫𝙤𝙡𝙠 , 𝙫𝙤𝙡𝙠 . i’ll be the terror at the edge of your bed , the sleeplessness that rattles the very core of your earth . creature of moon & broken mantle ---- he sneaks through the window , blood still fresh / heart still pounding . ( a rush in my ears , will you smell the gunpowder clinging to my hands ? will you understand that i am wild , that i am unsated , that each night i must peel away the guise of humanity & wear the survival drilled into my soul ? ) boot dug into cracked plaster , a crunch of gravel & shattered glass / left scattered from memories tucked behind bruised eyelids . a hush settled , quieter than sin , ❛ i didn’t want to wake you , luchik , go back to sleep . ❜ cold creeps in , it exists within me , spilling like starlight against the shadowed floorboards . a flame of light ---- it’s the spark before an inferno , the untamedness of a wildfire / kept secret between the blankets of your own bed . the volatile put aside , 𝙞'𝙡𝙡 𝙨𝙚𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙜𝙪𝙣 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙖𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙚 , let the callouses on my hands soften / the scars unmade by kindness of a love i don’t deserve . ❛ were you waiting up for me ? ❜
@gallaghian liked for a starter !
a poorly written meta that i will rewrite later on the four most important scars yulian has ( copped directly from my discord dm’s like a goblin ) :
most of them are just like Job related so they arent that sad . it's just that he's dumb and opens his stupid mouth and gets in trouble in the middle of doing deals
NUMBER ONE . so the first really bad scar he ever got was the x mark on his hip . which is..... Basically... a branding... like someone carved it into him as a like "wherever you go you have this reminder now that you're a criminal / that you're dirty" and it happened when he was like YOUNG like barely a teenager and his dad offered him up to work to some crime boss and the guy did that so he like , basically couldn't ever be taken or work for someone else and like.... idk he literally probably tried to carve that scar off when he was older because he HATES IT like it just made him feel owned and dirty and he didn't have a choice because his dad MADE HIM be a criminal at such a young age
NUMBER TWO . the big scar going all the way around his thigh . he was about 16 when it happened . but it was basically the first time a deal went really Really wrong and he was alone , like he'd seen deals go wrong before but usually they sent someone else with him because he was still young and learning . but they were getting him used to doing it by himself and like it just.... went sour fast . it was probably a weapons trade , the guy didn't like the prices that were set , and yulian of course didn't have any kind of permission to negotiate them and the firmer he got about not changing the prices the more pissed this guy got . and because yulian is young and even dumber and angry he just didn't even THINK about it but he muttered something under his breath and it just..... absolutely set the guy off and it was like . real fucking bad yulian got like.... lowkey kidnapped like tied down to a chair and he was just a teenager so he wasnt strong enough to ? fight back against all these big guys . and like they honestly Planned to let yulian go because his boss was probably fucking TERRIFYING but just to be god damn spiteful the guy just.... stabbed him in the thigh and probably nearly severed some shit and just.... really slowly drug the knife all the way around his thigh and like... Oops he was honestly really fucked up of course he was crying and screaming and literally couldn't walk LIKE HE WAS JUST YOUNG AND SCARED AND THE SCAR IS STILL REALLY DEEP AND HURTS SOMETIMES
NUMBER THREE . the tip of his ear is missing . this one is his most recent , it happened after he went to america . and honestly it was his.... introduction into how crime works there and how shitty people are and lowkey it's kinda fucked up but like . he was doing one of his first deals because he was like completely out of money and living in an alley and like just NEEDED to get his shit together so he wouldn't freeze when the winter hit and like . basically he was leaving a deal and like shit actually went well and he had enough money to like , you know , not die . and as he was leaving the guys fucking jumped him to take the money back because basically they were fucking cheats who'd pretend to do a deal to get the drugs / weapons and then they'd jump them to get the money back . and of course yulian fucking tried to fight back and refused to give up the money and because he fought back they absolutely beat the shit out of him and like..... he was just laying on the cold ground bruised and bleeding and they like spit on him and called him names and then literally cut off the top of his ear as like.... a Token that they'd gotten the best of him and like a reminder that crime here worked differently than in russia and he wasnt Shit here and now everyone will know that he got taken down and like . because he was hurt and then didn't get the money from the deal he basically almost died in the streets and had a Rough time recovering
NUMBER FOUR . personally the saddest to me is that huge ugly scar on his face because he........ got that one from his dad when he was 18 . because what happened was yulian wanted to go off on his own he was just . so tired of his dad and the fact that he was never actually his dad and treated him so shitty like this man... didnt love him.. and used him when he was so young to get out of debt and like . im so sad because yulian.... genuinely loved school like fuck that was the only escape he had and he had FRIENDS and he liked to LEARN and he WANTED to go to college like yeah he had to hide shit from his friends like they couldnt know he was a criminal but he still like... he got to be just... a regular teen at school like he probably was in a relationship and was kinda popular because like shit yulian was fucking COOL and he was SMART and handsome as hell and the small scars he had just looked cool like they werent huge or scary they just made him interesting and like.... he was in his senior year he wasn't graduated yet but he could not TAKE shit anymore from his dad but.his dad basically like Needed yulian and needed his money and the work he did to keep him safe and they like . got in a screaming match and yulian told him like no fuck you im going off on my own and im living my own life and doing what i want and his . dad just . fucking snapped like went . deadly quiet and his face went calm and he just . grabbed yulian and hit his head against the wall to try and knock him out so he wouldn't fight back but it didnt really.... knock him out all the way it just kind of made him like half conscious and his dad just . threw him on the ground and pulled out a knife and started . cutting his face and saying shit like , if he was gonna leave his dad was going to ruin everything for him so he'd never be happy and like . yulian started crying because of course this shit fucking HURT and so his dad smashed his head again and yulian just . went into shock and froze and closed his eyes and pretended he was unconscious and held back tears while his dad carved that huge fucking gash into his face and like . that's why ? yulian also doesn't cry or show emotion anymore because that shit just . ruined him completely like he already had gone through so much but that made him just.... lose his empathy and emotions and just . yulian had to run away after that like he.... couldn't contact his friends or whatever his relationship was like he literally just had to fucking VANISH from them and he never got to graduate and just . basically lost the ONLY good things he had in his life and now has this . absolute constant reminder of how fucked up everything in his life is and how cruel his dad was to him and how much he's lost