vivpoop

i’ve always struggled with my body. i grew up being called fat during high school. i was treated differently. i ignored and internalised everything for so long. 

i’ve dieted. suceeded. lost weight. went into a relationship. gained a lot of weight. went through a breakup. lost weight. lost and gained more due to covid, depression and medication. 

i’m sitting in my chair. full of food. hating how i look. my belly rolls. how my hips and thighs don’t fit in my favourite clothes anymore. how swollen and chubby my face look. 

i want to scream and cry. i don’t think i’ve ever felt comfortable in my skin. i long for that feeling. but i’m terrified of letting go.

i just want to accept that my body will change, that i can and will eventually lose the weight. that these things take time. that i can’t expect to get to my goal weight in a few weeks. that i deserve to eat and enjoy life. 

i hate being emotional and sappy.

but whoever reads this and watches my streams, i want to say thankyou from the bottom of my heart for supporting me.

all my life i never really believed i deserved good things. i never believed that good things would come to me. i always thought life was unfair, that my pessimistic views were going to be hard to change. and it still is.

streaming gave me a purpose. meaning. a reason. 

who knew that me... a shy girl who hated being the centre of attention... could love streaming and putting myself out there on the internet. knowing that the internet can be a scary place.

but i met some amazing people. generous. kind. supportive. funny. genuine. the list goes on. who knew ‘strangers’ on the internet could be some of the greatest people i know. and i am forever thankful for that.

i know i complain a lot about my negative experiences. but if it weren’t for them, i would not be who i am today. it would not have lead me to streaming and the twitch community. now my days i spend happily supporting my twitch friends and i would not change that. ever.