V.IV.MMXXI

I am sorry I broke your heart; I broke mine too. And I didn’t even care that I broke mine; all I was thinking of was yours. Letting you go was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, yet it was the right thing, because I realized that love alone couldn’t keep us going any longer.

I kept lying to myself for so long and pretending that everything will work out, while deep down, I knew it wouldn’t. I saw all the red flags, but I acted dumb. I acted as if they were nothing because I didn’t want us to end.

I realized eventually that no matter how much I kept lying to myself, the truth will always haunt me. The fact that we couldn’t continue being together haunted me. Because sometimes in life, you will discover that love is not the only core pillar in any relationship; if some other things went missing, it would be just impossible to continue.

Sometimes you realize that you lost your trust in the person in front of you, and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to redeem it. You start to understand why it’s so hard for the both of you to keep things going. Sometimes when you lose your respect for your partner and their image gets shattered in your eyes, you realize that maybe it’s too late for the both of you to try and stitch all the broken pieces back together.

I realized eventually that no matter how much I kept lying to myself, the truth will always haunt me. The fact that we couldn’t continue being together haunted me. Because sometimes in life, you will discover that love is not the only core pillar in any relationship; if some other things went missing, it would be just impossible to continue.

Sometimes you realize that you lost your trust in the person in front of you, and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to redeem it. You start to understand why it’s so hard for the both of you to keep things going. Sometimes when you lose your respect for your partner and their image gets shattered in your eyes, you realize that maybe it’s too late for the both of you to try and stitch all the broken pieces back together.

I realized eventually that no matter how much I kept lying to myself, the truth will always haunt me. The fact that we couldn’t continue being together haunted me. Because sometimes in life, you will discover that love is not the only core pillar in any relationship; if some other things went missing, it would be just impossible to continue.

Sometimes you realize that you lost your trust in the person in front of you, and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to redeem it. You start to understand why it’s so hard for the both of you to keep things going. Sometimes when you lose your respect for your partner and their image gets shattered in your eyes, you realize that maybe it’s too late for the both of you to try and stitch all the broken pieces back together.

When you don’t feel safe in your relationship, it becomes harder and harder to keep fighting for it. And sometimes you just keep fighting even though you know it’s a losing battle, but you refuse to admit that, and you keep fighting anyway.

I felt guilty for leaving, but I felt even guiltier while staying, because every day I had to fight the thoughts that this might be a lie or that there might be someone else. I tried so hard to kick these thoughts out of my head, but I never could. And I realized that I couldn’t stay with someone while constantly doubting them like that. I couldn’t keep doubting every action and every word. And that’s when it hit me — I couldn’t stay any longer.

I had to leave for the sake of both of us. I know that people say that this is the kind of thing you might say to yourself so you won’t feel so bad about leaving, but honestly, this was the ultimate truth — because in the end, what is a relationship without trust?

Have you ever just wanted something to work so bad that you decided to shush all these voices and thoughts inside of your head that were screaming a million reasons why this couldn’t work?

Have you ever wished that you could just get things back to how they used to be, even though you know that it’s impossible?

Have you ever wished that you could continue your life with someone like nothing has happened?

I thought I could make this happen — that I could pretend that nothing happened — but it turned out to be impossible. I couldn’t shake the fact that I lost my trust in you or act like all that has happened was just some kind of innocent mistake.

Here we are at another impasse

Where we’ve both spewed to much venom and left the other burned And I hate you so much I’ll storm out and never say your name again

But those dark eyes that see right through me are so burned in my memory My thoughts often drift back to them

And I can’t say what I mean when I’m half a bottle in

And I don’t mean what I say when I’ve had too much to remember in the morning

But I’m too proud to admit I might’ve done something wrong

So I’ll stick to my story that it was all your fault

Because it hurts a little less

This is the end of you and I, finally I suppose I wish I wasn’t like this

The thorns only grow around my garden when you scare me

Vulnerability never did a girl any good with a boy like you

Or at least that’s what I tell myself

My defenses will protect my heart

But they make me lose you every time

People like us, we’re meant to come and go The free birds drifting in the wind

But ever since I started loving you I wanted a home again

You’re bad for me, you’re bad for me, I write it over and over like a punishment

But my heart longs and calls out for all the things you did that were good for me Pulled apart for you in tiny pretty little pieces

The constant ring around what we do

We’ve done it for so long, in flux between—

“I’m done, I can’t do this anymore”

To “I’m all about you”

Between “I love you, I’m your woman” and “block, delete, ignore”

You know I’ve been half truthing you

Or lying, it’s all the same now

It’s only different when you’re playing this lovers game

I love you and I hate you, so fucking much on both

But you’re so very much a part of me now

I hate myself You see the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference

Dear you

(and yes, only you know who you are)

I loved you

I still love you

I will continue to love you

But it’s tearing me apart

I feel hopeless, and emotionally tired

The once picture-perfect scenery

will now be overlapped by the harsh reality

Just like star-crossed lovers,

We cannot be together

My heart shatters as I write this,

Just like how my mind goes blank

in this moment because I don’t

know how to tell you at all

— please forgive me —

After countless times,

My delicate heart shattered

The pain and the happiness

All end up in the same place

— since I love you, I’m letting you go —

Within every infinity we promised,

I never doubted you or our future

Remember our plans we made?

We would have our first date at a beach

The initial meetup at my mailbox lol

Our first passionate kiss

The list goes on, but maybe we’re naive

I will savor these happy memories,

And store them deeply within my heart

Maybe there isn’t a happy ending

For every fairy tale out there,

Maybe I’m not the one you need

— keep looking, you’ll find her —

But if you asked, I would do it again

Just like I sang,

— I can’t help falling in love with you —

I’m jealous all the time

I trust you, but a few actions

have already broken me

Without an explanation,

I must leave

Without another word,

I must live on

Without you,

I must learn to love myself

I must tell you

“you’re in love with a girl who doesn’t love herself”

It’s just a pain and heal cycle

— rinse and repeat —

I always told you that I loved you more,

but you always denied it

tell me

Why am I the one crying at four being?

Why am I the one to come begging and cry?

Why am I the one to blame myself for everything?

Why am I the one still being delusional?

Why am I the only one that cannot live without the other?

Why am I losing myself?

losing all my values

losing all my pride

losing all my confidence

losing all my dignity

losing my sanity

— I need to find myself before I disappear-

Every time I hear a romantic song,

It reminds me of you,

Every time I wake up,

I think about you

Every time I daydream,

I imagine our future

Call me a helpless romantic,

but I lived desperately for you

a princess will always be waiting

for her prince charming,

you’ll always be mine

— but I’m trapped in a tower —

your words were timeless,

but time still goes on,

I stand motionlessly

thinking of how to tell you

“I really love you, but it’s hurting me”

You said you never liked the rain

but my tears resemble the

drops splattered on the concrete ground

that eventually it all dries up

as the sun rises

all I asked for is the sun

to come out more,

to set a light in the darkness,

to lead a path for happiness

— did i ask for too much? —

double standards. jealousy. disappointment. rage. ignorance.

lies. broken promises. time. emotions. selfishness. dishonesty.

freedom. restriction. pain. tears. love. poems. letters. memories.

laughs. smiles. happiness. trust. kisses. cuddles. travel plans.

i love you’s & i’m sorry’s. you’re perfect(s) & you’re cute(s).

— gosh i think i’m addicted to you, but it’s unhealthy —

my health and social life are at the breaking point.

i’m breaking and withering.just like a flower in a vase.

three words.

i love you

two words.

i’m sorry.

one word.

goodbye.

To the one who broke my heart, but also made it feel whole at one point, here’s all the things I wish I could have said, and all the things you probably didn’t know, but should.

Before I met you, I was in a dark place. And so were you. We were both two lost souls who somehow found each other, and suddenly life started to feel great again. We connected in a way that seemed almost unreal. Our chemistry was so intense, and I felt that I have found my soulmate. My life felt so incomplete, that when I met you, all the love I had in my heart that had nowhere to go, I gave them all to you.

And for a brief moment, I know you loved me too. I know that when you said you haven’t loved anyone the way you loved me, that you meant it. I know because I could see it in your eyes. You looked at me in a way that no one has ever looked at me before. I could hear it in your voice too. And for a brief moment, everything was right, and everything was perfect.

But it felt too good to be true, because as it turns out, it was.

Reality kicked in and life got in the way.

Maybe it was timing, that’s what we try to tell ourselves anyway. But maybe the truth is, maybe we just weren’t right for each other. And maybe, just maybe, we were meant to cross paths together, but not to be together, but to learn from each other. Maybe, we were meant to take all the lessons that we’ve learned, so that we can be ready for the person who comes next, the one that’s meant for us.

I want to say that no matter the reasons why, no matter whose fault it was, no matter all the arguments and the tears and the heartbreak, I still want to say thank you.

Thank you for all the times that you made me smile.

Thank you for showing me a whole other world that I didn’t knew existed. For opening my eyes to things I didn’t know possible. For teaching me things about myself that I didn’t even know about.

Thank you for telling me each time I was wrong. And thank you for allowing me to try and make it right. Thank you for motivating me to become a better person, and for believing that I was better than my mistakes.

Most of all, thank you for teaching me what it’s like to truly love someone.

These are not just the words; these hold a piece of my pain and also my faith that addresses the fragmented piece of my heart. Here, I will convey the emotion of a young independent woman who rips through a man who convinced her to always be taken care of. The hope instilled inside a girl who built up wall after wall that was peacefully torn down by a man who pulled her into his deep love.

I still remember our late night conversation, your promises. You treated me in a way that stirred a place inside my soul that I hadn’t know existed. I was above all in your life. The first one to share your life with.

But things don’t work in the same way always, we entered into moment after moment when your ears become deaf to the sound of my voice, when you became insensible to the thoughts that emerged inside your head, when you blocked the pathways of your hearts, when I became unreachable to you; the very first place get cornered; the last one to talk about.

I am still struggling to gulp it down.

You told me that you loved me and I believed you. But you are not the same man, but to you, I am still crying the same words. I bulwarked and grappled to show the ‘real me’. But the coziness you brought me in allowed me to open up to my feelings.

You were like an ordinary average man, but a serene, surreal essence of your being captivated my senses and it began to drag me towards you.

“It’s amazing how we think we know someone and still don’t know them at all”

At some point in our relationship, I didn’t feel like I was good enough for someone as amazing as you. In my eyes, you were the man every girl ever dreamed of.

Giving you my all was not easy for me, I always believed everyone come in life to leave, I try not to love so hard because when they finally do, it wouldn’t be too painful for me, yet I allowed my emotional walls to scattered for you.

Love is not something that is spoken with the words, sometimes it’s an emotion, a feeling that should be felt by heart and every time a fair understanding, and a strong sense of freedom. It’s a complete package of a happy, beautiful life.

It’s not easy to love a strong woman, she needed to be taken care of. I was not expecting a bunch of roses every Sunday on my doorstep, but a shoulder to lean when I am in need of you, a hand to hold me tightly when everything seems gloomy around me, a voice that sound appeasing amid the chaos, little concern to make me realize that I am not alone in scary nights.

Sometimes in life, you need to be rational and sometimes you need to allow emotions to take over you. Your reactions were the outcome your situation that you well defined in a series of reasons, these were valid too, but giving you a second chance will be unfair to my heart that now cannot endure the further pain of letting go.

I am not saying you were wrong, neither am I a portrait of righteous. There is no one to blame. Sometimes, things just slip off our hand when we lose control in the dilemma of life.

For somedays, I was trying to make sense of the whole situation, I was trying to address my madness with a rational approach. But when it comes to heart and feelings nothing seems to work. Instead of fighting, with my emotions, I embraced them. I surrendered to the pain.

You have made your priorities in which our love was placed at bay. Now, it’s my time to set my life up for me.

I won’t call you a mistake, it was a lesson that I well learned. And for that, I will not be the same again.

In choosing you, I stopped choosing myself.

I chose you.

Every single moment for seventy fucking days, I chose to love you. To believe you. To forgive you. To embrace you.

I chose to stand by you even when times got tough and nearly unbearable. Even when I had lost nearly everything and knew I probably should stop. I kept choosing you.

Maybe I thought that you would change. That thing would get better. Maybe I just had nobody else and an incredibly low self-esteem. Something that you constantly reminded me. Maybe I just wanted you to fucking choose me back. Just one time. Once.

If I walked away, I had nothing. Except for wasted time and a broken heart. This had to be worth it, I thought to myself. You had to be worth it. I saw something that nobody else saw. I knew you. Right?

But I ignored everything. I dismissed red flags and deal breakers and all the standards I had made for myself. I found myself making up excuses for you, being too understanding. Caving and bending and breaking every step of the way.

Why I stopped choosing?

In choosing you, I begin to stop choosing me. I stopped choosing the things that I loved, the people that I loved. Choosing you was all-consuming. It took everything inside me to do it. To continue to love you and stick around every single day. I lost myself. And then I started to believe that I didn’t have a choice anymore. Loving you was the only thing I had, and I couldn’t give that up, too.

So I stayed. I stayed much longer than I should and much longer than I wanted. I ignored family and friends telling me to leave, to get out, to choose myself. How could I do that to you? I thought that I was helping you, fixing you. This was my only purpose in the world: choosing you. You had slowly convinced me that I deserved it all. I deserved you and the pain and the choice of choosing somebody who never chooses you back. Nobody would ever choose me, you said.

I was lucky.

Wondering if your partner stopped choosing you? Watch can we choose to fall out of love

But today is the day that I stop choosing you.

I deleted all the pictures of you from my phone. The happy times that never seemed to last. I watched as our smiling faces disappeared, and I cried at how it was possible to both love and hate somebody. There were so many good memories mixed in with the bad. There was so much longing and desire still left, but also so much pain. Unbearable amounts of pain.

I never wanted to stop choosing you. Even as I type these words, my heart aches. For you. For us. For you to just finally choose me back. And I wonder how long it will feel like this. I imagine time will dull the discomfort, make life a little more tolerable.

Every day that I stop choosing you, I will start choosing me. I will choose my children and my business and my school and my writing. I will choose to remember what I love about myself and perhaps begin to fall in love with life again.

Every moment that I don’t choose you, I will get stronger. Happier. Wiser. I will realize that I made the right choice, and I will continue to make it until I find somebody new to choose. Somebody to love me the way that I deserve. The way that I have always deserved but never really knew.