Vulvafetisti

and then every time all their jokes end up being about how gIrLs DoN't HaVe DiCkS and i'm like

You can’t force yourself to be attracted to penises, anon. Just make sure that when you’re talking about trans people, you don’t equate them with their genitalia - for example, by saying, “I would never date a trans woman, because I don’t like penises.” Equating trans people with their genitals is wrong because 1) it perpetuates the cultural fixation on our body parts, and this contributes to anti-trans violence; and 2) you don’t know what a person’s genitals are until you ask. Some trans women have penises; some don’t. That’s why it’s transphobic to say that you just aren’t attracted to trans women - because it’s making a blanket assumption about an oppressed group of people. 

Anon, if you see a woman on the bus who you’re attracted to, you can’t know for sure what genitalia she actually has, and your attraction to her won’t (or at least shouldn’t) become completely void if you get to know her and she tells you she has a penis. If you were attracted to her face when you were first attracted to her, she still has the same face that she had before you knew what her genitals were, so it wouldn’t make sense for you to suddenly have no attraction to her face. The same goes for any other aspect of a person that you might be attracted to, including personality, which is super important. 

Essentially, genitals do not define a person, so you can be attracted to a person without being attracted to their genitals. There are so many aspects to every human being (even physical aspects) that have nothing to do with what genitals they have. You can date trans women - even trans women who haven’t gotten genital surgery - and not be attracted to penises. And you won’t be forced to interact with their genitals unless you actually want to.

This is coming from a lesbian who is currently dating a trans woman and has dated a couple others in the past, and is repulsed by penises. None of the trans women I’ve dated have forced me to interact with their genitals in any way, and it’s common for trans women not to even want their sexual partners to interact with their genitals in any way. The first person I had sex with was a trans girl, and she interacted with my genitals, but I never interacted directly with hers. My current (long-distance) girlfriend and I have shared orgasms through skype and she’s seen my genitals, but I haven’t seen hers.*

That being said, I do want to give the anon some tips related to the question they were actually asking, based on my own experience of being in the process of trying to warm myself up to the genitals of trans girlfriends (past and present). If you’re not currently either dating a trans woman or wanting to date a specific trans woman you’re attracted to, then you don’t have to worry about this, and you should follow Mars’s advice of just not trying to be attracted to penises (since you aren’t and that’s ok). If you are dating a trans woman and want to pleasure her but aren’t attracted to her genitals, here are some tips (for cis women, but if you’re a cis man or transmasculine person a lot of these can apply as well):

1. Don’t think of it as a penis. Many trans women (who haven’t gotten genital surgery) actually think of their own genitals as a vulva, with the “penis” actually being a clit and the “scrotum” actually being labia. It’s is pretty accurate considering that this was literally true even by cissexist biological essentiallist standards while she was in the womb, and that having been on HRT for even just a few weeks, trans women’s genitals actually behave more like cis women’s clits than cis men’s penises. So it’s a clit, not a penis. (It’s actually really important when talking about trans women’s genitals to not refer to them universally as penises even when just talking about trans women who haven’t had genital surgery, because for some trans women, referring to their genitals as a “penis” can invoke extreme dysphoria.) It’s also worth nothing that trans men’s genitals start behaving more like cis men’s penises than cis women’s clitorises after they’ve been on HRT for a while, so if you’re with a trans man and feel weird about his genitals, you can think of his “clit” as a cock.

2. Make sure your girlfriend knows you’re attracted to her, even if you’re not attracted to her genitals. Think her face and overall appearance is beautiful? Tell her that. Think she looks sexy when she’s wearing lingerie for you? Tell her that. Think her face looks sexy when she’s receiving some sort of sexual pleasure (like nipple stimulation, or masturbation while you’re on top of her and looking at her face)? Tell her she looks sexy. As I said before, there are so many aspects (even physical ones) of a person that can be beautiful even if that person’s genitals aren’t. Make sure your girlfriend knows that you really do find her attractive, physically as well as mentally and emotionally.

*3. Take your time. I’d advise touching before seeing, and touching through clothing before under clothing. Rubbing your crotch against hers while both fully clothed, or both in just underwear, can be really wonderful (I’ve only done it fully clothed so far with an ex). While rubbing, just think about how good it feels for you (and her), instead of thinking about what you’re rubbing your clit against. Months later with the same ex, I finally felt ready to feel her crotch with my hands, but not go under her underwear. She told me informatively when I inquired about it that she probably wouldn’t be able to orgasm unless I went under her underwear, but she didn’t force or coerce me into doing it, and it probably would have been another couple months before I would have felt ready (even though at that point in our relationship she had become extremely good at fingering me, and she’d also eaten me out). If your girlfriend coerces (or forces) you to do anything you don’t want to do, or shows you her genitals before you say you’re ready to see them, that’s bad, but most trans girls are decent human beings who wouldn’t do that to someone they care about. With my current long-distance girlfriend, I actually once did ask if I could see her genitals, and we decided the best way to do it was to have her take photos and e-mail them to me so I would be in total control of whether, and for how long, I would see them. She reminded me plenty of times that I did not have to open the e-mail if I did not want to, and I could even delete it. I did end up being able to muster the confidence to open the e-mail, but I only looked at two of the six or so photos, and I could only look at them for a second or less due to the repulsion I still feel towards genitals like hers. I might try looking at it again sometime and seeing if I can look at any of the photos for longer, or I might just go with the touching-through-clothing-first strategy after she arrives here (btw you can help us out with that). Small steps are still steps that you should feel proud of yourself for, and even effort is something you should feel proud of yourself for with regards to warming up to something that you naturally feel repulsed about. (Btw anon, this includes the meditation and hynosis that you’ve tried.) It can take months or even years, and that’s okay. It’s also worth noting that you might never actually fully feel ready to interact with her genitals, and your repulsion might not fully go away. It’s perfectly legitimate to decide to just pleasure her even though you feel uncomfortable doing it because of her genitals (as long as it’s a non-coerced decision that you made), and it’s also perfectly okay to go through your relationship without ever interacting with her genitals unless she gets genital surgery. (If you do the latter you might want to talk to her about maybe having some sort of poly-relationship where someone else will give her the pleasure she craves, and it would also be perfectly legitimate for her to decide to break up with you if she wants a monogamous relationship where her partner gives her genital stimulation. As stated before, however, some trans women don’t actually want to receive any genital stimulation from sexual partners, so it could easily work out if you’re dating one with that preference.) It’s also worth mentioning that just like how it wouldn’t be okay for her to force or coerce you to see or touch her genitals, it’s not ok for you to force or coerce her into getting genital surgery if she’s not absolutely and independently sure that she wants it. (As a side note to that, stating a preference is not the same as coercion. Both of my trans exes as well as my current girlfriend have told me that they would like for me to touch their genitals, but none of them have coerced me into doing it. They all made it clear that whether-or-not I do it is entirely up to me.)

4. There are plenty of non-traditional ways you can have sex and interact with her genitals. Here’s one. Here’s another (and here’s a slightly more descriptive guide to it). That last link was from a whole zine (written by trans women) called “Fucking Trans Women”, which is available online for $5. Also, here are some suggestions for pleasuring her even if you’re not comfortable with touching her genitals at all. Basically, sex with your trans girlfriend does not have to be like sex with a cis guy in any way, even if you give her genital stimulation.

When a lesbian comes to you saying “I want to like dicks to be a better person” the correct answer is “you don’t have to ever like dicks to be a good person. Only date who you’re attracted to and never apologize for yourself”.

You do both realize you’re literally advocating for grooming of lesbians to like dick, right?

Do you not see how fundamentally disgusting and wrong that is?

Listen to what the radfems are saying in this post, please.

I’m a transwoman and also telling you that under no circumstances should you ever feel like you need to like penises or date transwomen. If a transwoman calls you transphobic for it, they’re WRONG, it’s not transphobic. You’re not doing anything wrong or evil by not like penises or transwomen.

If a transwoman tries to get you to change your mind on that, get away from them as fast as possible and do not trust them.

Please stop promoting corrective rape and that lesbians should like penis and transwomen.

If transwomen also can’t accept no then that is another reason to get away from them quickly.

Said every man ever

Here are the relevant statistics from this survey:

Can you see the problem?

These figures tell us the percentage of people, by sex and sexual orientation, who have ever in their lives been a victim of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner.

This is a VERY DIFFERENT THING from the percentage of straight vs. gay relationships that are abusive, or the percentage of people in straight vs. gay relationships that are being abused, or anything in that vein. It’s not even clear what exactly you’re claiming these numbers represent, but it’s wrong.

These numbers are simply not about relationship type.

One obvious problem is that you assume that if a lesbian is abused, she MUST be abused in a lesbian relationship. But this is NOT a reasonable assumption. Many lesbians and gay men have been in one or more straight relationships at some point in their lives.

As you can see from the right column, only 67.4% of lesbians who suffered intimate partner violence reported having only female perpetrators. That means that a significant amount of the abuse suffered by lesbians occurred in the context of straight relationships.

Further, these numbers give us NO relationship-level data. Someone who has been abused in one relationship is counted the same as someone who has been abused in ten relationships. We also have no idea how many relationships these people have had total. So EVEN IF the lesbians were all only ever in lesbian relationships — WHICH THEY WEREN’T — this would still tell us NOTHING about whether lesbian relationships are more likely to be abusive.

Again, in conclusion: These numbers CANNOT TELL US whether gay relationships or straight relationships are more likely to be abusive.

It MOST CERTAINLY does not show that “men and women […] are abusive at nearly the same rates.” There is simply NO DATA in this survey on rates of ABUSIVENESS, only on rates of HAVING BEEN ABUSED. If you can’t tell the difference between these two things, that’s a real problem.

And no, you can’t just extrapolate the former from the latter. Let’s imagine a fictional community in which everyone is straight. Let’s say that in this community, 25% of the women have been abused in a relationship at some point. How many of the men in this community are abusive? Trick question: There is not enough information! It could be less than 25%, if a few abusive men all abused many women. It could be more than 25%, if a larger group of men targeted the same women, so some women were abused by multiple men. There is simply no way to say without more information. (You can flip the genders around in this example if you want; it’s just as impossible to say either way.)

And again, neither the real data in this survey nor the fake data in this example can tell us anything about how likely a given relationship is to be abusive for either the man or the woman.

a male trans person who was looking at child porn of boys as young as five ears old is being allowed to not register as a sex offender because “a court found she [sic] did it at a time when she [sic] was struggling with her sexual identity.”

Progressive mansplaining !