ꜱ ᴜ ʀ ᴠ ɪ ᴠ ᴇ ʀ

          She can hear the faint sound of her footsteps even before she closes the door behind her,  and she swallows,  suddenly feeling incredibly unsure about facing her during the pale light of the early morning.  It was easy to pretend it wasn’t real in the darkness,  when the only thing her eyes could make up were the soft outlines of her face and the delicate curve of her thighs,  slightly trembling underneath her fingertips.  They rarely spoke during those times,  and in a way it was easier to emotionally detach herself from the situation but still focus on all the different sensations the other’s warm body provided;  her limbs would feel like liquid,  like lava.  She wasn’t interested in being a dominant figure outside of the training grounds;  quite the opposite,  Mikasa always considered herself rather humble;  she was assertive,  a personality of many different flaws and contradictions,  but the subtle way her hands would press against her back,  neither demanding nor begging,  ignited a deep,  deep fire of longing in her.  Was it her own,  deep-rooted loneliness that drove her to the point of seeking comfort in someone who probably shared the same way of thinking  ?  Or was it her curiosity and quiet admiration of the lioness with her obvious disinterest in her environment  who appeared to hide a different reality behind the darkness of her eyelids …  ?

                     ❝   …   ❞

          The blood rushes up to her cheeks again and Mikasa tucks a few dark strands behind her ear,  watching some of the trees disappear behind the thick,  morning fog.  The sound of her voice and her obvious  why-am-I-awake-at-this-time  tone forces a soft,  gentle smile on her lips but she shakes her head,  unable to give Annie an answer.  There is absolutely nothing to do,  especially not in a place like this and Mikasa is merely left with her own presence and train of thoughts until it’s time for the rest of her comrades to get up and help them prepare some breakfast.  She glances over her shoulder,  watching her from the corners of her eyes as she slowly unravels the soft fabric from her neck,  exposing her delicate,  long neck  (  and an old scar of hers  )  and casually wrapping it over Annie’s head.  She gently brushes some of her blonde hair away from her face and then places it neatly around her neck.  She shrugs and turns her attention back to the scenery in front of her,  watching as some of the birds fight and pick at one another desperately for some food.  Their need for survival.  To eat or to be eaten.

                    ❝  …  You didn’t have to come.  ❞

      Perhaps her question had been too snarky. Perhaps Mikasa just knew her that well. She stifles a grin as Mikasa glances at her. The other girl is blushing - blushing !! Her own cheeks begin to grow warm as she holds eye contact, her hands beginning to sweat in her pockets. Suddenly she realizes that this might be a mistake, that this interaction, now exposed in the light of day was a result of misguided judgment. She hadn’t thought it through, but as Mikasa looked into her eyes something bitter and sticky rose in the back of her throat. She felt exposed.       Things were different in the dark of the night, things were different when they were silent, when they could barely see three feet ahead of them. When Mikasa’s fingers were tracing her thighs. When her mouth was ghosting over her porcelain neck. When Annie felt the adrenaline of a fight pulsing through her veins and the passion of a lover making her heart beat faster and faster. Yes, this was different. No sheets, no beads of sweat, no gasps or lips between them. There was so much more, now. Words, even. All of it, from start to finish, from the beginning of their rivalry to their parting in the morning ( so often bittersweet, at least in Annie’s tired eyes ) was so unexpected, so weighted. Annie couldn’t pinpoint her interest in the talented soldier, someone who was so often her opponent, but it was dangerous. It was necessary, now... a cycle.  

"There is no way out."

"I never wanted anything from you."

"I like to keep to myself, thank you."

"I was dead when I woke up this morning."

"My heart is hollow now."

"They're coming to get you."

"There's a drumming noise inside my head."

"Tell me what you want me to say."

"Leave all your love behind and run."

"There's no light in your eyes."

"I'l be dead before the day is done."

"It's over. And I'm going under."

"It's peaceful in the deep. No need to pray, no need to speak."

"I found the devil in me looking for heaven."

"A kiss with a fist is better than none."

"You are the space in my bed."

"If you're gone, I will not belong here."

"I was just looking for a breath of life."

"I can stay in the dark if you need me to."

"I don't want your money. I don't want your crown. I've come to burn your kingdom down."

"Whose side are you on?"

"Sooner or later, you love the things you lose."

"Would you leave me if I told you what I've done?"

"Never let me go."

"All your love will be exorcised."

"I can hear your heart beat."

"What has been done can not be undone."

"You left me in the dark. What was I supposed to do?"

"I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't."

"You'll carry it with you if you want to survive.'

"A thousand armies couldn't keep me out."

"The room was so quiet..."

"Things go wrong no matter what I do!"

"You were a falling star, and I caught you."

"You're my head, you're my heart."

"Though the pressure's hard to take, it's the only way I can escape."

"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back."

"You don't have to be afraid anymore."

"They're in my head. They won't shut up."

"I never knew daylight could be so violent."

"What's the point in living?"

"They were there when I woke up this morning."

"I know I can count on you."

"Sometimes I just feel like saying I don't care."

"I'm always in this twilight in the shadow of your heart."

"I started to hear it again.."

"I can't leave the past behind."

"You've got the love I need."

"The dog days are over."

"You can't choose what fades away and what stays."

"Life is just too much."

"I was looking to get a dream of life again."

          She knows she is  crossing all sorts of boundaries with her;  she is a soldier,  a beast,  she is here for a purpose and she will do just about anything to fulfill her promise.  There is no room for friendships  (  not that she considered her a friend;  it was more complicated than that  ) or any other forms of distractions.  And yet she can’t think of anything else except her fingers brushing lightly against her arm,  sending a shiver down her spine.  She focuses her eyes on Annie’s hand as it disappears back into the pocket of her sweatshirt before she glances back at her face,  her features softening ever so slightly.  For a moment,  Mikasa absorbs the rare sight of playfulness that she rarely ever experiences when she’s with her;  perhaps she wants to get some sort of reaction out of her,  to see how far she can push her out of her comfort zone,  to get under her skin and test her limits.  Slightly amused,  she leans forward,  feeling her warm breath against her face.

                    ❝  …  I’ll be outside.  ❞ 

          She whispers quietly,  not giving her the satisfaction of a straight-forward answer and leaving it as vague  as her blank expression   —   the choice is hers.  Mikasa doesn’t mind the company,  but considering the sun is barely up in the sky,  and the blonde isn’t exactly a morning person,  she might want to catch an hour of sleep before they have to move on with training and chores.  She takes a step back,  allowing the space between them to grow;  she steals a last,  quick glance of her face before leaving and making her way outside,  half of her face covered by the fabric of her scarf.  She suddenly feels the warmth of her cheeks and she is unsure whether it’s because of all the layers of clothes or…  something else entirely.

          The cold,  morning breeze and the quiet howl of the wind sends a shiver down Mikasa’s spine and she decides to sit on the stairs and quietly absorb the beautiful landscapes that lie ahead of her.  She remembers her home  (  but what is home anymore  ) and the dark,  dangerous woods surrounding their little house.  Her mother used to spend hours outside and Mikasa would watch her from the window,  both scared but curious about the world outside her vision.  Up to this day she still hasn’t figured out why her parents were so guarded and secretive about their location,  why they were so protective of her and refused to reveal the misery and cruelty plaguing this world.  She remembers the excitement when her father revealed that she was going to meet another boy around her age.  With zero social skills and a timid,  soft-spoken personality,  she was both scared and nervous.  She never had any friends before.  However,  things didn’t exactly turn out the way she had imagined.   

          And then there is Annie.  The quiet lioness that probably hides an entire world behind the darkness of her eyelids.  They don’t talk much about their past,  and she never dares to push the matter any further.  She is curious though but neither of them are willing,  at least she isn’t,  to make that step and allow someone else inside her mind.  Well,  while she is certainly physically close to her,  in a way that’s both frightening but exhilarating and there is some level of trust and understanding between them,  otherwise neither of them would have dared to even consider the possibility of sharing a bed in the late hours of the night,  she prefers to keep a certain distance,  a safe wall between them,  in case their bond crumbles.  A quiet sigh escapes her lips,  feeling slightly confused and unsure about the entire situation,  but at the same time…  she allowed it to grow.  She tucks a strand behind her ear,  wondering if Annie decided to get some sleep after all,  or she tries to revenge her by playing hard to get.

      Annie feels a breath of satisfaction bubble in her chest with Mikasa’s reply. Her tongue runs over her bottom lip as the soldier slips out the door, face covered with her signature scarf. The blonde brings a thumb to her lips, wiping the smug grin from her face; she considers her options. The other’s answer was vague, but vague enough. Sometimes the two speak the same language, and this was one of those times. It was a test. Which path would Annie take? She inhales, stepping out the door and closing it softly behind her.        Despite the urge to slip back into bed, which was a strong urge at this point in the day, she was tempted to join Mikasa and see what the other was really like. They seldom spent any time together truly alone... besides their adventures under the cover of night. With the sun coming up behind the clouds the the taste of a new day on her tongue, she was ready for a change in routine-- god knows how long she’d been going through the motions ( for the cause, she’d tell herself every morning when her eyelids peeled back and revealed another day, for the cause. but it was time she did something for herself, time she lived on the edge. some day soon all of these opportunities - especially with Mikasa - would be just out of reach. she’d have to find someone new to amuse her, but the more she thought of that future, the more she disliked it. perhaps the pull at her heart was less of hesitation to carry out the plan, and more of a connection with someone in particular. someone unexpected. someone dangerous. )

          She reaches for her scarf and wraps it around her neck before raising a questioning brow,  slightly taken aback by the raw nature of her question though her expression remains passive  (  except for her eyes that are busy glancing back at her  ).  She lightly shakes her head as she bends over to fix the sheets and fold the blanket neatly on the side of the bed.  Something about unmade beds seemed incredibly frustrating to her but also intimate,  almost as if the wrinkled sheets revealed a secret she didn’t want anyone to know.  There is a short pause   —   a subtle change of her expression;  perhaps the mere thought of a single layer breaking makes her uneasy,  almost uncomfortable.  Annie is a mystery in itself,  and whatever it is she is hiding underneath the stoic,  apathetic face of hers,  whether it’s her past or simply a human being,  makes it even more difficult for her to respond in a more light way.  She can’t read her the way she can read most people,  and Mikasa isn’t the most vocal person,  either.

                    ❝  … No.  Unless someone gets in trouble.  ❞

          She replies in a quiet tone,  referring to her beloved brother who has also warmed up to her in the last couple of months.  She doesn’t see her as a threat,  but there is a quiet wilderness about Annie and she is unsure whether she wants to get close to her or not.  A striking,  cold beauty and an exceptional fighter.  Unlike Mikasa,  who is naturally good at combat,  she is a trained lioness;  she can’t imagine the dedication and work behind those techniques of hers.  A quiet sigh escapes her lips and she makes her way to the door,  wanting to get some fresh air before the rest wake up and it’s time to sweep the floors and spend the day on the training grounds. 

                    ❝  I’ll get some air.  ❞

          She looks over her shoulder as she buttons up her shirt,  stealing a few quick glances of Annie’s face as the pale sunlight peeks through the shutters.  The early hours of the morning,  when the sun hides behind the large mountains and paints the sky in different shades of red and orange,  is Mikasa’s favourite time of the day.  Most of their comrades are still asleep so she takes the chance to enjoy a few moments of silence.  She turns around,  facing the blonde with her wild,  untamed hair and hands her the tie she left in the bathroom the night before.

                    ❝  …  That’s yours.  ❞