gil's route permanently altered my brain chemistry

𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𖥧

First, let us discuss the subject of this research paper. His name is Ren Shiranami. He is a gamer. He is a boy. Therefore, we tend to call him Gamer Boy for short. This nickname serves two purposes. First, it accurately describes his primary hobby and identity. Second, and more importantly, it makes him visibly annoyed every single time we say it, which is a secondary benefit that we as researchers greatly enjoy.

Haru S: He does not like the name but we go with it anyway.

Towa: ⇀⁠‸⁠↼

Ren Shiranami himself was very confused about why we kept following him everywhere for the past several days. He eventually ended up threatening to call a lawyer because he claimed that we were invading his personal privacy and also his personal space and also his general sense of peace and wellbeing. This was a fair point that we chose to ignore because we are dedicated researchers and dedication requires a certain amount of not caring about what your research subject wants.

𝐋𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐥 𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐌𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐑𝐮𝐥𝐞

As it turns out, Ren's legal support authority was also our research partner. This was a very convenient coincidence that none of us had planned but all of us appreciated. His name is Ritsu Shinjo, and he is a lawyer and a pattern analyst and also a man who carries a very thick stack of documents everywhere he goes.

After reviewing our research proposal, Ritsu Shinjo condoned that every aspect of our research was legally approved under the following specific condition. We were not allowed to come any closer than five meters to Mr. Shiranami at any point during the observation period. This was a very reasonable compromise that allowed us to collect our data while still technically respecting Ren's legal rights as a human being. Ren himself did not agree with this compromise, but again, he does not get a vote because he is the subject of the study, and subjects do not get to have opinions in proper academic research. 

With such a reliable individual on our team, we were fortunately able to process our research further. The only negative side effect was that Ren stood in the background at exactly five meters away and sighed constantly. We recorded each sigh in our notes. There were 67 sighs on the first day alone.

𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐎𝐧𝐞: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 ᠀

The first day of our research did not go very well by any objective measure. We did not get much detail about Ren's behavior or habits, and we also did not make any progress toward our stated research goals. Ren just stared at us from a distance of exactly five meters and sighed some more. Sometimes he also muttered things under his breath that we could not quite hear. It was not very productive, but we wrote it down in our notes anyway because that is what real researchers do when they have nothing else to write.

𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐓𝐰𝐨: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐀𝐜𝐭 ᠀

By the second day, we were completely and utterly unable to find Ren Shiranami anywhere on the entire campus. We searched the library and the cafeteria and the hallways and even the bathrooms, although we waited outside the bathrooms because even we have some standards. He was nowhere to be found. We assumed that he had tried to hide away from us because he was tired of being followed and also because he values his personal space, which is a reasonable assumption for a reasonable person to make.

We decided to visit his workplace first to see if he was hiding there. When we arrived, we spoke to his boss, but we had absolutely no idea what his boss said to us. This was because his boss is what we can only describe as an anomaly. The boss spoke in riddles and strange sounds and a lot of static noise, and nothing that came out of his mouth made any logical sense to any of us. One moment he was speaking what sounded like Japanese, and the next moment he was making a noise like a broken radio that was also a cat that was also a waterfall. It was very confusing.

Lucky for us, we have an anomaly translator on our team. His name is Towa Otonashi, and he is very good at understanding things that should not be understandable to normal human brains. However, for some reason that none of us could figure out, Towa did not speak at all during day. He just stood there and stared at things with his big expressive eyes and said absolutely nothing. So our attempt to find Ren remained unsolved for a while, and we were all getting very frustrated.

We were about to give up for the day when Towa suddenly just wandered off on his own without saying a single word to any of us. He just turned around and started walking in a specific direction with a lot of purpose in his step. We had to chase after him like a bunch of confused ducklings following their mother duck, and we had no idea where he was taking us or why.

It turned out that Towa was leading us directly to Ren the whole time, which was very helpful of him even though he could have just told us that from the beginning and saved us a lot of running. We found Ren right near the library. More specifically, we found him in an empty classroom that had been abandoned for quite a long time now. The windows were covered in dust and the desks were overturned and the chalkboard had old writing on it that no one had erased in years. It looked like no one had set foot in that room for a very long time.

Ren was just lazily lying around on an old desk and playing his video games without a single care in the world. He looked very comfortable and very annoyed to see us at the same time.

Then Towa helped us jump to the second floor through the window instead of using the stairs like normal human beings. Ren screamed so loudly when he saw all of us climbing through the window that he disturbed the entire building. People came running out of their classrooms to see what was happening. A student shouted something about an emergency. Someone pulled a fire alarm by accident. It was very embarrassing for Ren and very funny for the rest of us.

Ritsu Shinjo made a note:

I reminded Mr. Shiranami to keep his volume at a reasonable decibel level, but he seemed to be in a state of psychological distress where he was completely unable to process what I was trying to deliver to him. He was just screaming and pointing at the window and backing away from all of you, and I do not believe he heard a single word I said. I have noted this reaction in my pattern model as a potential indicator of extreme surprise or fear.

𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐚𝐯𝐞 ᠀

On the very next day, we were once again completely unable to find Ren Shiranami anywhere on the entire campus. This was becoming a very annoying pattern, and it was not a good pattern for our research because we cannot observe someone who is not there.

Ritsu Shinjo added another note to the file. He wrote:

Apparently Mr. Shiranami has changed his secret hideout to a different location after yesterday's incident. This suggests that he is actively adapting his avoidance strategies in response to our observation methods. I will need to update my pattern model accordingly to account for this new variable.

As reliable as our partner is, Mr. Ritsu Shinjo has a full stack of documents that he uses to study Ren Shiranami's behavioral patterns. He has created a very detailed routine model that helps him predict where Ren might be at any given time of day based on factors like sunlight, temperature, noise levels, and how recently Ren has eaten. He consulted his documents for several minutes, flipping through pages and making small humming sounds, and then he quickly identified where Ren was most likely hiding. He took us there immediately without any hesitation.

This time, the boy had come to hide in a random cave located somewhere in the Jabberwock area. He assumed that none of us would ever think to look for him in such a ridiculous and uncomfortable place, and to be fair to him, it was a very good hiding spot. The cave was dark and damp and cold and hard to find, and it smelled a little bit like wet rocks and moss and something that might have been a dead animal or might have been just a very weird kind of mushroom. I would not have wanted to stay there for more than five minutes, but Ren was apparently very committed to avoiding us and was willing to suffer for his privacy.

The spot was quite difficult to find because the entrance was hidden behind a large bush and a pile of rocks that looked like they had fallen there by accident. However, we were very lucky to have Towa on our team. Towa spent some time talking to the other anomaly creatures that live in and around the cave. These creatures looked like small floating balls of light with tiny faces and no visible mouths, but somehow Towa understood them anyway. They were very helpful, and they led us right to the entrance after Towa explained what we were looking for. We never would have found it on our own, so we owe a lot of thanks to Towa and his strange and unexplained anomaly speaking abilities.

Ren was apparently taking a nap when we arrived. He was curled up on a flat rock with his jacket pulled over his face, and he looked very peaceful and very unaware that his peace was about to be destroyed. He was soon disturbed by Ritsu's voice echoing through the cave as Ritsu reminded Towa not to run ahead on the uneven ground because he might trip and fall and hurt himself. The echo made Ritsu's voice sound ten times louder than it actually was, and it bounced off the cave walls and came back from every direction at once.

Ren sat up immediately when he heard the echoes. He pulled his jacket off his face and looked at all of us standing at the entrance of the cave with an expression of pure and complete defeat. His hair was messy from the nap and there was a small leaf stuck to his shoulder. He did not even have the energy to scream this time. He just sighed one very long and very tired sigh and put his head back down on the rock and closed his eyes again. We took this as permission to continue our observation.

𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫: 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐈𝐧 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐢𝐠 𝐃𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐆𝐮𝐧𝐬 ᠀

On the fourth day of observing Ren Shiranami, we were once again completely unable to find him anywhere on the campus. This was getting absolutely ridiculous, and I was starting to feel personally offended that he kept managing to escape from us despite our best efforts and our fancy pattern model and our anomaly translator.

Ritsu Shinjo added a comment here. He wrote:

I must remind you that you were the one who suggested this alternative method of locating Mr. Shiranami. I myself do not condone this method from a legal or ethical standpoint, but I also will not actively stop you from pursuing it because that is not explicitly written in my contract. Please note that I am recording my objection for the official record.

Okay fine. I, KinA, had personally come to an extreme decision after much consideration. It was time to call in the expert that could help us when all other methods had failed. That expert was Mr. Haru Sagara, who is famous for finding people, especially Ren, whenever Ren tries to slack off and dump his tasks onto other innocent people.

Haru Sagara has a very particular set of skills that he has acquired over a very long career of chasing down animals and also chasing down Ren, who is apparently just as hard to track as a wild deer and also just as likely to run away when you get too close. He has a keen eye for small details and a patient demeanor that never seems to get frustrated no matter how many times Ren tries to hide from him.

Ritsu Shinjo added another note here. He wrote:

Mr. Shiranami would like me to deliver a message to you all. The message is that he has never dumped any of his tasks onto anyone else in his entire life, and he finds the accusation to be hurtful and untrue. However, I did personally witness him telling a third party to help him with several tasks without paying them an hourly wage, and I have recorded this incident in his official file for future reference. I am simply stating facts. I am not making any accusations.

Towa: ಠ⁠︵⁠ಠ

We are not sure if this face means disappointment or disgust or just general disapproval, but we have recorded it in the notes regardless.

Anyway, let me get back to my research paper because Towa is distracting me with his silent judgment and his big disappointed eyes and also because Ren is yelling something in the background that I am choosing to ignore.

After seeking out the reliable animal hunting and animal caretaking expert named Haru Sagara, we were finally able to track down Ren Shiranami within just a few hours. It was very impressive to watch Haru work. He did not even seem to be trying very hard. He just walked in a certain direction with a lot of confidence, and we all followed him like lost puppies.

Apparently, Haru had bugged Ren at some point in the past. I am sorry, let me rephrase that. He had remodeled Ren's phone with some kind of upgraded GPS system that helped him find Ren much better than any normal tracking method ever could. When Mr. Ritsu Shinjo informed us that this was highly invasive of a person's privacy and also probably illegal in several different jurisdictions, Mr. Sagara simply claimed that the GPS system was for his work field aspects and his business purposes. He said this with such a straight face and such calm confidence that none of us knew how to argue with him. If that was the case, then Mr. Shinjo had no further comment on the matter.

Ritsu Shinjo made a note here. He wrote:

Mr. Shiranami has asked me to deliver another message to you all, but I believe he would prefer to deliver this one himself because he seems very passionate about its contents.

NONE OF WHAT YOU ALL DO IS CONSIDERED LEGAL AND NONE OF YOU RESPECT MY PRIVACY AT ALL. YOU BUGGED MY PHONE. YOU FOLLOWED ME INTO A CAVE. YOU MADE ME SCREAM IN FRONT OF ENTIRE CLASS. STOP WRITING ABOUT ME!!!

KinA: Dude, you just ruined my entire draft! I had a whole paragraph about your hiding skills that I was very proud of, and now I have to rewrite it because you interrupted my flow. Also, please sign your name next time you have any comment so I know who to blame!

THAT IS NOT WHAT IS IMOIPORTANT HERE AND YOU KNOW IT. MY PRIVEACYT IS IMPORTANT. MY LEGSAL RIGHTS ARDE IMPORTABNT. YOUR DRASFT IS NOT IMPYORTAWNT.

Ritsu Shinjo then added. He wrote:

I must say, Mr. Shiranami, that exploiting such a small screen device to stimulate your brain for over one hundred and eighty minutes in a single session must have affected your ability to comprehend both written and spoken language at a basic level. Your sentence structure is deteriorating, and your spelling is becoming inconsistent. I recommend taking a break from your gaming activities to allow your cognitive functions to recover.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?????

KinA: It meant that you made a lot of grammar errors and spelling mistakes in your outburst. He was being polite about it.

After this exchange, Ren Shiranami seemed to have passed out from sheer frustration. He claimed very loudly that he no longer wanted to associate with any of us by any means whatsoever, and then he stopped responding to the paper entirely. Although we could not observe him for very much longer that day because he was unconscious from stress, we were still able to find some very valuable information that made the whole day worth it.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐈𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐖𝐚𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐈𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐥 (𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐌𝐫. 𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐣𝐨)

Our beloved seaweed man, which is also what we call Ren because his hair looks like seaweed when he does not brush it, dropped his phone while he was running away from us. He was so focused on escaping that he did not notice that his phone had fallen out of his pocket and landed on the ground with a soft thud.

We helped him keep it safe before we could return it to him because we are good friends, and good friends do not let expensive electronics get stepped on by strangers or run over by bicycles or eaten by anomaly creatures. His screen was still open when we picked it up, so I was not doing anything illegal by looking at it, already approved by Mr. Shinjo. The information was just there on the screen. It was presented to me. I simply received it with my eyes.

Ritsu Shinjo wrote:

I will take note of that explanation in my records. However, I would like to remind you that accidentally seeing something and deliberately reading through someone's private bookmarks are two different legal concepts. I am choosing not to pursue this distinction at the present moment.

Here is what we found on his phone. He was searching for a birthday gift. For you, our lovely darling. The birthday is coming up very soon, and Ren has been thinking about it for a long time without telling anyone. He has created this whole bookmark list with different categories for every kind of gift that he could possibly come up with. There were tabs for jewelry and tabs for clothes and tabs for books and tabs for stuffed animals and tabs for snacks and tabs for video games and tabs for things that did not fit into any category at all. There was even a tab for things that he thought you might not even like, but he wanted to consider them anyway just in case he was wrong about your taste. It was very thorough and very cute and very embarrassing for him that we saw it.

As good friends we are, we took the liberty of marking out some unqualified products that we thought were not good enough for your birthday. These products included a very ugly lamp, a shirt in the wrong size, and a book that we have all read and agree is boring. We also highlighted some very qualified products that we thought were perfect for you. There was a special note next to the whale plushie, which comes from the same series and brand as his personal shark plushie that he sleeps with every night even though he denies it. We circled the whale plushie three times and wrote BUY THIS ONE in all capital letters with several exclamation points. He bought it. We checked.

𝐃𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞

We were able to further observe Ren Shiranami in the evening because Haru asked us all to stay for dinner at his place. This was something that Ren was clearly against from the very beginning. He said no multiple times. He said no loudly. He said no while waving his hands in the air for emphasis. But we all ended up sitting at the table anyway while he cooked us dinner with a very grumpy expression on his face and a lot of aggressive chopping sounds coming from the kitchen.

We must say that Ren is very good with grills and fire. The meat was cooked perfectly, with a nice char on the outside and a juicy center. The vegetables had a good sear on them. The rice was fluffy and warm. Everything smelled amazing, and we all ate way too much because we could not stop ourselves.

Haru S: He is not so good with water, though. He has flooded the kitchen three times this year alone. The first time was an accident with the sink. The second time was also an accident with the sink. The third time was an accident with the sink and also the dishwasher and also a very confused hose. I have banned him from doing dishes without supervision.

STOP SHIT TALKING ME IN THE RESEARCH PAPER. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT MY GOOD QUALITIES, RIGHT??!!

He turned into a blushing mess that was redder than the artificial strawberry soda in our cups when we casually mentioned that we would be very happy to help him pick out some gifts for your birthday. His face just went completely red all the way from his neck to his ears to the tips of his cheeks. He started mumbling something about how he did not need any help and he had everything under control and we should mind our own business and also stop looking at his phone. Then he tripped over nothing on the floor and had to pretend that he meant to do that.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐜 𝐋𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐚

At the end of our conducted research, Towa Otonashi accidentally ate half of our files. I do not know why he did this. I do not think Towa knows why he did this. I do not think anyone will ever know why he did this. He just picked up the stack of papers from the table and started putting them in his mouth one by one like they were a very boring and dry snack. He chewed each page for a few seconds and then swallowed with a blank expression on his face. By the time any of us realized what was happening, half of our research was already gone.

I was crying. I am not ashamed to admit this. I was crying real tears because we had worked so hard on this paper, and now it was being digested by a man who did not even look sorry about it. Towa just sat there with paper crumbs on his shirt and stared at me with his big eyes like nothing had happened at all.

WHAT WORK EXACTLY. YOU JUST FOLLOWED ME AROUND FOR FOUR DAYS!!

But fortunately for us, we have such a handsome and intelligent and reliable partner as Ritsu Shinjo. I am saying these nice things about him because he deserves them and also because he is standing right behind me while I write this. Ritsu had made several copies of the paper since day one because he is a true professional who anticipates chaos and prepares for it in advance. He also had recorded audio files that he could send to us so that we could reconstruct everything that Towa had eaten. He saved the entire research project with his foresight and his organizational skills and his refusal to trust anyone else with important documents.

WHAT?!!!

KinA: Quiet, Ren, I am still working on the conclusion. You can complain as much as you want when I am done.

So as a result of Ritsu's foresight and professionalism and general excellence, we were able to restore the final draft of the research properly and wholly and without any missing pages. My greatest gratitude goes to our reliable lawyer and partner, Ritsu Shinjo. I am taking back my earlier statement about taking back half of my gratefulness. You are wonderful, and I am sorry I said otherwise. Please do not charge me extra for this apology. I am on a very tight budget.

𝐏𝐞𝐞𝐫 𝐑𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 (𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐰𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐰𝐚𝐲)

Ritsu Shinjo had several professional comments to make after he finished reading our restored draft. I will list them here in his own words because he wrote them very carefully.

First, he wrote: You should work more on your academic writing format. This paper by any reasonable standard would not pass as even a first draft to any of our professors in school. The margins are inconsistent, the citations are nonexistent, and the tone is entirely inappropriate for a scholarly work.

Second, he wrote: There were too many spelling mistakes and grammatical errors throughout the document. If I had not reread and beta edited the entire thing from beginning to end, it would have been completely incomprehensible to any reader. I have corrected approximately one hundred and forty seven errors in total. You are welcome.

KinA: Okay, first of all, the only person who helped me write this was Towa, and Towa does NOT write. He does not even hold pens. He just eats paper! So you are very lucky that this paper is as coherent as it is, because I had to do all of the writing by myself while also managing the observation schedule and also keeping Ren from running away too far. Second of all, this is not a real research paper. This is a Trust Me Bro research paper. Those are different genres with different standards.

Ritsu Shinjo then wrote: Nevertheless, I believe we should still take this seriously and professionally to show our respect to Mr. Shiranami as a research subject and as a human being. Even informal research deserves a certain level of care and attention to detail.

I DO NOT AGREE WITH ANY OF THIS. I DO NOT WANT RESPECT SHOWN TO ME IN THIS CONTEXT. STOP WRITING!

Haru S: Language, Ren. There is no need to shout. We are all right here.

SHUT UP AND ALL OF YOU GET OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW. I AM SERIOUS. I WILL CALL THE ACTUAL POLICE.

Towa: ノ⁠｀⁠Д⁠´⁠)⁠ノ⁠彡⁠┻⁠━⁠┻

Haru S: Ahhh, Towa, do not flip the food around like that. We were still eating. There is rice on the floor now! The soda is everywhere!

Ritsu Shinjo observed the entire scene with a calm and analytical expression on his face. He took out his notebook and wrote something down very carefully.

I see. So this is what a normal night in Jabberwock looks like. I have never had the chance to observe this before in person because I usually leave before dinner. This will be very valuable for my record pattern model in the future.

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𖥧

Anyway, the last piece of information that we have is that he did indeed buy the gift that we suggested. We checked his phone again before returning it to him. He bought the whale plushie from the same series as his shark plushie, and he wrapped it very nicely in blue wrapping paper with a white ribbon, and he wrote a card that he definitely spent way too long thinking about because there were several crumpled up drafts in the trash can next to his desk.

When you said that you loved the gift and then you gave him a small hug, his whole face turned as red as a tomato. He turned redder than the sunset outside the window. He turned so red that we were genuinely concerned for his health for a moment. He claimed that it was the summer heat that made him blush, but we were inside a building with air conditioning set to a very comfortable twenty two degrees Celsius.

STOP WRITING ALREADY!!!! THE PAPER IS DONE!!!!

So here is the final conclusion of this very trust me bro research paper. Underneath all of that grumpiness and all of those complaints and all of that running away, he is secretly very soft and very thoughtful and very sweet. He cares about you so much that he made a whole bookmark list of gift ideas and spent hours researching each one. He cares about you so much that he bought the whale plushie even though he knew we would tease him about it forever because it matches his shark. He cares about you so much that he wrote multiple drafts of a birthday card because he wanted to get the words exactly right.

He is a good boy. He is a very good boy. Do not tell him I said that, or he will scream at me again and then hide in another cave and we will have to do this whole research project over from the beginning.

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: Concerned Healthcare Professional

"I have experienced symptoms of my heart rate increasing whenever I am around this person, especially when they feed me food. Apparently, this is merely a normal physiological response, or so my doctor friend has informed me. Somehow, being around them has also reduced the symptoms of my illness lately. It may not be the same for them. Whenever I arrive at their dormitory to administer their monthly medication injection, the bed is always empty and I can never seem to find them anywhere. Are they afraid of me? I do possess a certain reputation among the students, at least according to what I have heard."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Bro. Are you asking for love advice or are you bragging?

Because from where I'm standing, this sounds suspiciously like bragging.

First of all, I assume this is some kind of doctor-patient or nurse-patient relationship.

Second of all... THEY FEED YOU?

YOU'RE WINNING. LET'S FREAKING GO.

My professional advice is to ask whether you can feed them back.

If they agree, that's a very good sign.

You already have a great opportunity to get closer to them.

I'm cheering for you, mannnnn.

Also, regarding the medication shots...

Have you ever considered that maybe they're not afraid of you?

Maybe they're afraid of the giant needle you're carrying around every month. Just a thought.

Be patient and gentle with them.

Not everybody enjoys being stabbed, medically or otherwise.

And this reputation you're talking about?

What kind of reputation could a healthcare worker possibly have?

What are people saying?

Another letter arrives the next day.

"I see. That is an interesting interpretation. I will take note of your advice and ask them out during our next checkup. Furthermore, patients should not miss their medication injections, according to their physician. You should also complete your prescribed injections."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Haha.

No.

I'm kidding. I take my medication perfectly. Kind of.

I'm not a coward, you know.

I can handle myself.

Thank you for the reminder, though.

*Proceeds to immediately ignore every future medical appointment*

𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: A

"I have taken them camping and mountain climbing before. Unfortunately, they tripped and sprained their ankle. Ever since then, I have not taken them on another trip. Recently, however, they have been very persistent about wanting to go again. I am worried they may injure themselves. They have also been ignoring my texts and calls lately. One of my juniors informed me that this behavior means they are sulking. What should I do?"

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

DUDE!!!!

YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME HERE.

Do you realize what you're telling me?

This person wants to go on another trip with you.

Whether it's a date or not, that's still an opportunity.

A very large opportunity. A gigantic opportunity.

A neon sign saying "PLEASE SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME."

WHY ARE YOU DECLINING?!

Pick up that damn phone. Call them.

Set up a freaking camping date immediately.

I guarantee they'll stop sulking.

Probably.

Then come back and give me updates.

Also, thank you for the candy you left in the box. It was really good.

It takes this guy three business days to respond.

Three. Entire. Business. Days.

"Sorry for the delayed reply. It was somewhat difficult to locate your box. I called and invited them out the following day. They declined. I believe they are still upset with me, according to my juniors. Also, apologies for the torn paper. I was writing this while feeding several cats. They began nibbling on the letter."

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

Difficult to find?

I literally put directions everywhere.

There are signs and stickers and arrows.

I even slapped stickers all over that giant campus map.

Someone must have taken them down.

Damn rival service. Trying to sabotage my business.

And hold on.

Did you just mention cats?

Cats come to you for treats? Multiple cats?

Does this happen regularly?

Are you some kind of cat distribution center? A mobile cat waypoint? A feline summoning beacon?

Do you realize most people absolutely adore animals?

Especially cats?

Use those cat treats as an excuse to ask them out again!

Invite them to feed the cats together.

Nobody can resist cats.

Maybe they'll stop sulking.

I'm rooting for you, my guy.

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐝 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭

Anonymous Name: ⠀˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

"~~~"

That is it. That is the entire letter.

Three little squiggles.

The moment you open the confession box, flowers immediately begin pouring out. Petals scatter everywhere.

Wildflowers spill onto the floor in every possible color.

The entire scene looks like something straight out of a shoujo manga.

Unfortunately, it is a very low budget shoujo manga.

So instead of looking romantic, it mostly looks like someone detonated a flower grenade inside your office.

You nearly choke on several petals.

Who is this person?

Why are they stuffing your box full of wildflowers?

Is this another rival business trying to destroy you through pollen exposure?

Regardless.

Business is business.

Since the sender apparently communicates through doodles and decorative plant life rather than actual words, you respond accordingly.

𝑪𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅:

I am admittedly unsure what message you intended to convey through the gesture of depositing approximately one entire meadow into my confession box.

However, I do appreciate the effort.

That being said...

I think you should be giving these flowers to the person you actually like instead of me.

I'm only here to provide love advice.

You seem naturally talented at romance already.

Especially considering the flower crown you somehow managed to shove into my box.

My advice is simple.

Gather your courage. Make a bouquet. Ask them out somewhere nice.

Perhaps a picnic.

Maybe the two of you can make flower crowns together.

That sounds adorable.

Also, since you neglected to leave any payment behind...

I'm confiscating these flower petals as compensation.

Thank you for supporting my business (๑>◡<๑)

𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫

who would you go on a date with next?

✦ 𝙺𝚒𝚗𝙰 ✦