Violy Writes

So I'll never ever have to wonder to all what ifs, what could have been, and what should have been.

So I'll never have to see the memories captured in the lens of my camera and in the lens of my eyes.

So I'll never have to rewind the memories that made me the happiest I have been.

So I'll never have experienced many of my firsts with you.

The pain you're feeling right now, the sadness that's been hunting you at night, the countless "what ifs" and "am I not enough", and the burden you've been trying so hard to carry are the struggles that will soon be the main reasons of you becoming the strongest version of yourself.

Dear Heart,

How are you? I know you're hurting right now. I know you want to cry out loud to ease the tremendous pain you're feeling. Let's give up on him, okay? Let's stop loving him, let's stop caring about him. We both know how happy he is already that he found someone whom he fell in love with, right? Isn't that we always wanted for this day to happen, for him to fall in love with someone so that we can move-on and find someone that will make us happy and loved?

It already came. Yes it is, sadly. Let's give up, okay? But please, do not give up on love. Do not build your walls too high, do not compare everyone to every bit of him. Let us not find him in other people, okay? Let's be happy that he's happy, and let's be happy that finally, he unintentionally gave us the biggest reason to move on.

Masakit diba? Lalo yan sa mga susunod na araw, sa mga araw na maaalala mo yung mga masasayang memories ninyo, yung mga tawanan, kwentuhan ng kung anu-ano, at saka yun bang nasa isang lugar lang kayo, walang usap-usap pero nandun yung kalma, nandun yung saya, nandun yung pagmamahal. O, diba ang sakit na?

Kinukwestyon mo yung sarili mo, “Ano bang nagawa kong mali?”, “May nasabi ba ako o nagawa na hindi nya nagustuhan?”, “Meron ba syang sinabi na hindi ko nasagot?”, “Sumobra na ba yung pagpapakita ko ng care sa kanya?”. Tapos mapapansin mo nalang na unti-unti nang nababasa ang ‘yong mukha sa mga luha na pilit mong kinukubli sa lahat ng ‘yong mga kasama. Kasi kailangan nilang makitang masaya ka, dahil pag nakita na nilang nasasaktan, alam mong masasaktan din sila para sayo.

Pero alam mo ba, yang pain na nararamdaman mo, worth-it yan. Worth-it yan dahil paghilom ng sugat sa puso mo, mas matatag ka na, mas malakas ka na. Worth-it yan dahil finally, after so many times of trying, after so many bruises, you stopped - pinagpahinga mo na rin sa wakas yung puso mo, pinatigil mo na rin ang puso mo na piliting maging masaya sa isang relasyon na ikaw lang naman ang bumuo. Worth-it yan dahil finally, makikita mo na yung worth mo - ikaw bilang isang taong kayang ibigay ang sobra-sobrang pagmamahal. Worth-it yan dahil sa susunod, sa susunod na may dumating ulit sa buhay mo, alam mo na kung paano poprotekhan ang puso mo dahil hindi mo na hahayaang masaktan ka pa ulit tulad ng sakit na nararamdaman mo ngayon. Worth-it yan dahil lahat ng nasasaktan, tumitibay. Feel the pain until you realize that your pain is already your strength.

Barely meeting the deadlines, losing the will to accomplish a task, and wanting to get out of all responsibilities all the time. Demotivated? Is it the right term? Or am I just slacking off?

“I had enough”, I told myself last, last week. The recent situation triggered my emotions and I never thought I would really give up. I got blamed entirely for something that I did not do, and what frustrates me the most is that I was not given the chance to explain myself. It seemed like I took the blame to save the others. In my 7 years in the company, I never thought I would cry my heart's out. I felt like I was losing my motivation to work and just the thought of coming to the office makes me tired and restless. So, I asked for a time-off. For a whole week, I stayed at home. I cooled down. I cut communications with some people. I let myself be angry with the situation. I let it all out. I breathe.

I felt guilty with my 1-week leave, knowing that my teammates will suffer because of my uncontrolled emotions. But for this time, just for this moment, I chose myself. I prioritize myself. And that was the best thing that I did so far.

I had lots of realizations and lessons with what I have been through. But my greatest lesson from this experience is to always put yourself first. Do not shrug things off, or let the situation be. Face it. Recognize it. Be transparent with your feelings to your trusted people. Acknowledge your emotions. Remember that it is okay to show your vulnerable side once in a while but you should always make sure to come back stronger and braver the next time. Because, it is only after we admit we are not okay that we can come back stronger.