everything swift to school to life

DAY 1

It has been 4 days since he asked for the solution to the new hurdle we faced ahead. I gave him the option to leave, 'cause I thought he’d stay, that he’d say yes. I thought I would be fine with it, it’s the best thing to do. What I didn’t comprehend was that his saying “no” would break my heart into two.

DAY 2

It was the next day when I didn’t wake up to a “good morning babe” message that I realized that it was a stupid idea for me to let him go. Why the hell did I promise that “I’ll let you go”? When even the mere thought of it was constricting my thinking; and the only noise that remained in my mind was of all the things he said and promised. He said that we aren’t breaking up cause we don’t love each other, “I am breaking up cause we just can’t be with each other...don’t reach out to me, don’t give me hope.”

What he never thought was each time he said “I love you” was giving me hope...that maybe not now, maybe not in the next 12 hours...but he would come around...he’d realize he has the strength to fight the world cause he loves me. And so I gave him hope...that we can still happen, we can still be us.

I think that drove him crazy and we both got mad. I pulled harder, and harder he pushed back. Telling me that you love me, and at the same time taking it away is the cruelest thing anyone can ever do.

 After day 1, I should’ve never reached out to him. But what could I do? The curiosity about what he was doing was tying my nerve cells until the impulses carried by them exploded through and all the sense went out the window. I wanted to ask how he was feeling, like all the times I did before. Like all the times before when I would just stop and look at him and ask “what are you thinking?” and he would shrug and look ahead. At those times I thought I had a weird superpower to guess what he was deeply engrossed about: me. But now I had no way of guessing it, I wasn’t there to look at his face. So I asked. I asked him how he was.

I tried to save us, tried to just reason things out: that maybe we didn’t need to break up. His mind was already made. Somehow my weird superpower got activated again and I knew it was hurting him too. That there is no way he couldn’t feel the pain that he was inflicting on me. And just maybe he was hurting more..cause he had to face two people now: himself and me.

When the battle seemed lost, I accepted the defeat: I finally said “I’d let you go”. We talked happily for a while and ended things well, you said you’d help me..you’d help me recover in the only way that I know how. You’d read what I write...I could send you what I was feeling, and you’d it. But you won’t reply...I asked him “please just don’t reply”

DAY 3

Then why did you...I was doing good...it felt like I was FINALLY recovering. I sent you 2 texts, and you replied with a heart. That was more than enough for me...but for the 3rd text, you had to reply.

He can’t make an excuse that he had a moment of weakness. He can’t make an excuse that I love you, I still do...that’s why I had to reply.  You shouldn’t have...you shouldn’t have told me that what we had was so pure and good that it could take you 2 years or more to get over us.

He talked about hope, but what he didn’t once notice was that I wasn’t the one that wanted him to leave. That he had no right to tell me that he loves me cause each time he did; each and every single time: I fought back. 

I said, “if you love me, then don’t struggle for two years, we have options, we can be safe, we can ward ourselves away from danger” But he told me to not say another word. He begged me to let him fucking go. I said then make me hate you...he then said “just leave me alone”

This was the first time I doubted my “superpower”...usually it doesn’t work, but when it does I know it’s right. This time I had no way of knowing what he was thinking. Did saying all this easy for him? Was making me hate him that easy? Did he say these words cause he was genuinely tired of me or did they hurt him, they did feel like a ghost has taken a home inside the lungs and was slowly taking away the ability to breathe? 

I think it did...cause even though I might have tried to question everything...every single fucking thing...the answer was always the same he loved me, and he still does. The way he’d just stop and look at me. You could feel the love swimming in his eyes. Even though he was my first love, but those eyes...they could never lie. The small gestures, the vulnerability. He was perfect. And that’s why breaking up hurts a thousand times more.

I have been fishing for reasons to hate him. And I do find them. I absolutely hate him for being unable to keep me a secret, from those who wanted us to be apart. I hated that after getting an ultimatum, he didn’t fight like I have done so many times. I hate him for becoming the most important person in my life to becoming someone who wants a full stop on everything. 

But at the same time, I understand...I understand why he needed to go. I understand that what I wanted from him was unfair...an expectation that no 17-year-old boy should live up to. So after screaming at my bathroom walls for 1 hour, I realized that we both didn’t deserve each other. That whenever we’ll be together, there would be an itch, that if we get caught.....the idea of what could happen is too dramatic and horrifying.

Hence, I went back again and said “now I can move on, I believe I can...and so I let you go, I HAPPILY let you go”

DAY 4

I haven’t texted him since. Today is day 4. It has been 12 hours and all I want to do is text him. Text him that I meant what I said, I truly believe that we were a doomed case since the beginning...but I can’t stop crying...I have to wrap myself around with my arms, cause my parents can’t know I am crying over you.

I want to tell him that the only medicine for my sadness, is talking to you, even if you don’t reply back. My friend said that these texts will haunt him and that it’s unfair to him. Maybe she is correct, but what about fairness to me?  He said he doesn’t want to look for hope, what about what I want? I don’t want us to get back together now, I just want relief.

 Perhaps I am writing for people, that maybe someone who has gone through the same can advise me on how to stop loving someone. Perhaps no one would read it and that’s fine too. Perhaps I am writing for me, cause I am a writer by soul and I need words to drink my emptiness away.

Perhaps that’s why I am writing...he is the only one who knows I use Tumblr...that’s why I think I am writing for him...to tell him that he is the only person who I thought could NEVER hurt me, yet he did it in a way I thought could NEVER happen.

But I forgive him...cause I fucking understand...I understand why you did what you had to do? Sooner or later, maybe I would have done the same...or the others would have done it for us. That’s why I understand and I forgive you.

But I can’t forget you cause I don’t regret you. I don’t regret anything. But I still want to text you, send you letters...could I, should I or would I?