So Not Life, Yet So Life?

Take a risk.

Take a gamble.

Look me in the eyes

and make me feel successful.

Blow on your dice

and set them free.

Take a risk.

It’s just a kiss.

I want to be someone

Quite a bit in fact.

A little odd, a little inexperienced, but so us. Comfortable and perfect, we didn’t have to fight it. We didn’t have to try.

It was like coming home. Like a warm embrace of a forgotten friend. Like everything I had been denying went out the window.

When your emotions were high and everything was going wrong in your life. You called me for advice. And that was the first time you had done that.

I was your first call and that meant something to me.

I had always said I’d be the knight. And he could be the prince in distress.

The day I realized what I truly wanted in life changed that fantasy forever.

I realized I never wanted someone to save.

I want a rival knight, who matches my skill in every way. So we challenge each other to improve every step of the way. I want to duel with glistening swords as they confess their love for me in the mud and rain.

When I was driving home, and my mind began to wander. When I recalled everything that happened that night.

When I remembered us.

When I realized I fell for you.

And my first instinct was to tell you.

Not to confess, no. But because you’re always my first call. Always.

And now I’m here. And you’re in my head. And I can’t tell you. I can’t tell anyone.

Because my first instinct was to call you.

I don’t even know what love feels like.

But I know that we spoke on the phone until six am. And I know that I can sit and talk with you until the sun begins to rise. And I know you’re my first call on a bad day. And I know you’re the first one I ask for advice.

And I know you.

It could be something to celebrate. Many would deem it as such.

Part of me cherished that scar. I looked upon it with a warm smile when my hands would run over it. Because it’s a scar caused by people I used to love. It wasn’t formed from pain or fear, but fun that went too far.

And it faded.

And I hadn’t noticed.

But I also hadn’t noticed how fast they faded from my mind. How little I care about the impact they once had on my life. How little their faces would wreck my sight.

And I realized something.

The scars on my mind had faded too. The ones I welcomed like a shotgun tattoo. And it’s painful to admit it, but it’s all lost. Every echo of them in my skin had come and gone.

I noticed today that my scar was gone.

I figured you’d stumble over your words like you do everything else. But the speed at which they flew off your tongue sent them speeding into my chest.

And if I asked you to do it again, I think you’d hesitate.

Because this is the first time you’ve ever seen me cry. And you didn’t know what to do.

You tried to make it up to me. You said the kindest words to counteract the worst.

But you can’t take it back.

Sweet, smart, and gentle.

They are words. They are fragments of you. But they are not you.

I could read the entire dictionary front to back a thousand times and still never be able to define you. You are an anomaly of the English language.

I can feel you. I can love you.

I’m betting he’d easily find the words I search for.

His name was nothing until it was something. I can’t figure out how it became something. Because there was no moment. There was just him. There was me. There were our friends.

Introduced into a new group I expected to be rejected from, I didn’t think you and I would click. We’d met before, and I didn’t think anything of it.

How did we go from near strangers to staying up until sunrise with you by my side? Fourteen days. All it took was fourteen days.

I had been wishing for someone to love, but I never thought I’d find it in you.

For years your name echoed in the background of my life, never present but never gone.

In such a small amount of time, your name has became something I crave to hear.

You have became something I crave.

Something I desire.

Staying up with you until sunrise feels so natural. Talking to you about everything feels like heaven.

I love staying awake, playing innocent games with you until we’re both feeling feint.

I love looking over the city, talking about books, poetry, school, family… our entire theories about life.

I love sitting in the car with you, trading stories.

I love spending time with you.

He’s sweet and intelligent.

Spending time with him brings me a sense of wonder I haven’t felt in a long time.

I made a friend who stood in the shadows of my life for years. He was nothing more than a passing wind, and I’m sure I was less to him.

I made a friend who brings me a sense of comfort I so desperately need. One of the few times I’ve felt safe meeting another’s eyes.

I made a friend.

Maybe more.

But it’s only been a week or two.

I made a friend.

You haunt my fondest memories that I beg to scream but then I arrive at your name and the letters burn my tongue.

I crave to tell these stories but then I hit your name and stop breathing, remembering how weak my lungs felt when we quit speaking.

I want to share my life with those I have found after moving past you.

But you’re always there.

You haunt my brain. You haunt my stories. You haunt my memories.

You haunt the things that bring me more happiness than you ever did!

And all I want is to be rid of your name.

After that, I didn’t give my heart to you.

I wanted to.

I never gave you my heart.

I’m sorry, I was scared.

You were quite the anomaly. Because, my heart ended up with your name engraved on it either way. It took me a while, but I realized how.

I’d write you a story for you to read on the nights you can’t sleep. I’d write you a story for the moments you feel you can’t breathe. I’d write you a story to read as the sun rises, so you can have my soul with you in your quietest moments.

I’d write you a story simply if you’d ask me to.

I’d write you a story if you didn’t ask.

This is my story.

I hesitate when I remember you’re no longer a constant in my life.

I hesitate to remember where you and I stand.

I hesitate to say goodbye.

And then I shake the hesitation out of my head.

I stopped hesitating when I realized you knew absolutely nothing about me.

I stopped hesitating when I realized I didn’t even want you in my life.

I stopped hesitating with you.