devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

this and painting, they could definitely get behind and mostly it was just fun getting to know what else noah liked to do. “don’t get your hopes up, i don’t usually show anyone my pieces unless it’s for class of course but all my pieces in the gallery are under anonymous for a reason.” it’s a good thing that noah can’t see her directly, because the feeling of closeness, was making it harder on victoria, she couldn’t help the blush that appeared.  she laughed at her words, it was definitely something the blonde would say, cocky as ever. her eyes don’t leave the piece, watching the other take the lead. “don’t kill me, but i’ve actually never seen the movie, like of course i know what it’s about and i’ve seen like parts and i know this is a big part of it but i don’t actually knows why it’s so important.”

they’re glad that the blonde didn’t ask them about it, glad that their entire conversation is light and fun and nothing about how they are feeling, it’s like they can breath around noah again. “okay, just text me when you find time for me and we can set it up on the dock or something.” for someone who is trying to stay away and have some space, they sure are terrible at it. “still, you’re really good, you can’t deny that,” she cannot think about how the brush of her leg on bare skin makes her feel, there’s no doubt how attracted she feels but now was not the time for that. it was just a friend showing another friend how to work a messy machine that she’s sure is gonna ruin her clothes if she isn’t careful. “i’ve actually never been here so i didn’t really know what to expect but i’m glad you’re here to show me the way.”

of course the thought of sleeping with noah again was fine, they let them self give into temptation in the middle of the night but actually doing, that would be something they wouldn’t be able to go back from. sex with someone they didn’t have feelings for was just as easy as taking their clothes off for thousands of people on cam but sex with someone they did like, that wasn’t close to being the same. now that she was standing in noah’s room with her back to the door, she had much to think about but that left as soon as lips touched her neck and when they kissed again, her hand came up to the back of the other’s head. oh, god, where the fuck did that come from? "baby, please,” she leaned in, her nose glazing across her jawline to the shell of her ear, “i need you so fucking bad.”

“i was only kidding but um, no thanks, plus, i’m not into guys right now.” that does not mean anything, should not mean anything. “if you want,” they started nonchalantly, their voice a little lower than they would like, god it wasn’t like it was a date or something, “we could go painting sometime this week.” “there’s nothing much to it, if i look good, clean and boring on the outside, no one would think i have anything going on because if i look this put together then i’ll have to be on the inside too, right?” she’s not really asking but it come out into the universe anyways. “i’m jealous,” she lets out a laugh, her mind focused on the project in front of her when the clay come rushing under her fingers, “you’re this good after a couple classes?”

the walk between the library and noah’s cabin didn’t seem closes enough and the stares don’t even bother victoria because they have an ache that the other can only fix. when they get to her door, she has her hands by her sides again, wondering when she lost all self control when it came to the blonde and if she thinks about it, she knows it’s before the library. she doesn’t say anything because it could ruin everything so they just wait until she’ll let her in and continue what they had going on in the library and she hopes that things don’t end there for them.

“that’s awkward, i was talking about your brother and i,” she teased a little bit, ”you definitely would still come in first place, if it came down to it.” how were they ever just gonna be friends when noah was driving them insane with everything she was doing? does she even know how hard it is to ignore the way she says and do things that make them feel light headed? “the thing about paint is that yes most of the time, you can’t have mistakes but if you do, there’s still some way to make it look even better at the end. we can call it a deal, i don’t mind showing you a few tricks.” it’s no secret that she use her clothes to hide things she doesn’t want anyone to see. she tells herself if she dresses the way she does, no one wonder just how much of a mess she is on the inside. “it’s not just to look cute,” she whispered, not daring to look up to the other. her hands are a little stiff when the other holds onto them to dip into the water. she slightly presses it watching the clay piece speed in a circle, “is that , okay? do i need to go faster?”

it was nicer having a shake at this time of year, it was something they haven’t had for so long and the weather made it so that it didn’t melt as fast but they deserved a cheat day and honestly, they were too high to really deny them self of something so good. “you’re so dumb,” victoria said as they rolled their eyes but a second later they tired not to knock the table down as they made their way towards him, carefully sitting down beside him. “i love the new place,” they played along with a smile as the took a sip of their drink. “i just, i didn’t want to get hurt again so i told her i can’t have feelings for her anymore and i knew that if  we slept together the second time i wouldn’t be able to lie to myself and say that it wouldn’t mean anything but it does and i feel myself slipping back into this thing with her and it sucks because the last time i told her i liked her, it ended up in a fight and i’m just so fucking sick of fighting with everyone.” it was draining them of everything they had and it was just easier to give in and just do what they wanted, even if that means that they’re back to square one with noah and god, the part where they dont talk about each other’s feelings anymore really fucking helps. "the thing is, i can wait. i can wait months if that’s what she wants and if she’s just trying to figure herself out but if there’s other people, what am i really waiting for? what if i hold onto her and then she develop these deeper feelings for someone else? i don’t think i would be able to hold onto an idea of what could be,” she’s not asking for noah to just forget them, although, that would be nice butshe wants to know if she could see them as something long term or something serious. “with asher i just wished that all it had been was us being platonic. it’s kind of shitty but i told him to keep it from her so great minds think alike,” she let out a short laugh, “now i’m just feeling guilty about it because i regret it, mostly the almost sleeping with him part and i just want to tell her but she’ll probably hate me forever especially now that she’s acting like a lot nicer to me.” victoria still doesn’t understand where it’s coming from, like now when she had decided that she wasn’t going to have feelings for her anymore. “maybe it’s just the sex, i don’t know. okay, it’s probably just the sex.”

“oh, i love painting, it’s one of my favorite hobbies,” they pointed out with a soft smile, now they’re picturing what it would be like if they shared each other’s hobbies, how it would be like to share their art with noah. “ceramics is your thing? does that mean i get to come to you for help?” they blushed a bit, “stop it, i’m not cute, it’s like the end of the day and my clothes probably look out of place.” she didn’t think of changing into fresh clothes because who would she see in there? now she regrets looking like a mess in front of the blonde. “sure but you’ll have to teach me, i don’t know how to work the wheel,” she removes her sweater, setting it down on the chair along with her bag before she pulls up her long sleeve and taking a seat in between the girl and the wheel.

the thing was, even when they weren’t in control, they were in control or at least make it seem like they were but that little action had took them for surprise and it felt so damn good. the kiss was sweeter this time or maybe her head is clouded and when the other pulled away, their head tilted back until it hit the books in bliss as the other played with the skin there and it’s heaven, a hand came up to noah’s wrist, not to pull her hand away but so that victoria had something to grip on. she really wished that she didn’t say that because now that’s all she can think about, it would be so easy to just buckle her hips with a yes but victoria was not about to get edged only to make her way to the cabin. “god, okay, fuck,” it takes everything in her to push the other way. “your place,” picks up her bag as she grabbed the other’s hand and the lack of works probably gives away how turned on she is but she doesn’t care.

“don’t be a baby, casidy ” they said with a playful pout. she looked down at the shake, that was one third gone and she wondered if she should answer but who else can she talk to that can understand her besides him? “yes, i like her, i even told her but i think i was just feeling too much too soon and she just wasn’t where i was at yet. then she told me she liked me too but how can she say that and then go on flirting with other people? the moment i felt something real with her, i stopped whatever i was feeling for anyone else. and that had hurt me, like god, it was just bringing back things that i thought you had done to me and i didn’t want to repeat that so i shut my feelings for her off but a part of me was still attracted to her so i started sleeping with her because it seemed like that was the only way to not feel anything but that’s not working and now i did that thing with asher and i just know she would never forgive me for that.” i felt good to let it out but she was still feeling like there was nothing she could do now to fix it. “whatever i felt for asher before, it’s gone now. for me, i knew that he felt some kind of way for me but on my end, it was only just friendship, it was all of that was and i don’t know maybe i was caught in the moment. but now? i feel disgusted with myself just thinking about what happened the last time i saw him.”

“True, how much longer will this semester drag on?”

“You don’t know me very well if you have to ask that.”