Definitely SFW

So like. Do you ever think about 'the right thing to say'? Not like in the moral sense, in the optimal sense. Perfectionism. Like, say I wanted to get you to stand up. Right here, right now. Surely there's a thing I could say that's most likely to work. Maybe it's just 'stand up!', but maybe it's a reference to a childhood movie or a reminder of some responsibility. Then, the fantasy is, knowing that.

But, let's say I wanted you to sit in my lap and grind your body against mine while desperately moaning with not a thought in your head. You give me a look like that's so out of character. Like nothing I say could convince you to degrade yourself like that. Are you sure? I think surely there exists some future where you're demeaning yourself in that way. I'm just saying. And, if it's possible, there's a best and fastest way to do it.

C'mon, you gotta buy in at least a little. Alright, fine. We'll call it mind control. I mean, personally, I disagree. I don't really think it requires breaking into your head and controlling you. It's entirely from the outside, right? It's just knowing you well enough to know what to say. Does that really count as controlling you? I'm not breaking your 'free will', just choosing an outcome.

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1. request--the thing you're begging for. let me cum, don't spank me, get me pregnant, etc. be descriptive--usually, the more explicit, the better. make it sound appealing to your partner. refer to them by title (if applicable) in this step or the third step. not both.

2. promise--why they should do it. this can include descriptions of how whatever you're asking for will feel for them, how you'll react, or a promise for good behavior or quid pro quos. (in noncon scenes, this is also where you'd put a promise not to tell anyone/get the aggressor in trouble). this should be your longest section, and you CAN give more than one reason.

3. request--rephrase what you asked for in step 1. if step 1 was short, make this longer. if step 1 was long, make it shorter. this is the step where eye contact is most important.

in general, use a deferential, beseeching tone--you can choose how composed to keep it, but keep an undercurrent of "i'll die if you say no." (alternatively, you can lean into the humiliation of verbalizing your desires and speak soft and stuttery. but be warned, you'll run the risk of your dom making you repeat yourself louder.)

wait

wait fuck

To me, there's two basic components to giving a good compliment: sincerity and clarity. Your target should believe that you are sharing genuine beliefs and should clearly understand what you are feeling. Towards each of these, I have different basic ideas of how to achieve them.

For sincerity, I try to give compliments impulsively. The ratio of time spent thinking to amount said must favor the amount said. Your target must not believe it took you a while to think of what you say. Optimally, it feels off the cuff. Spoken from the heart. Direct emotion to sound. Practice makes perfect for this. And your practice subject may well greatly enjoy being your project.

For clarity, I look inward and try to analyze what I feel. The basic outline I try to include is "what am I complimenting", "a humble guess at how the target achieved it", "what i am feeling that compelled me to compliment it", "how i know im feeling it". I strive to be factual in this analysis. When you describe your own emotions, you must not leave room for doubt. You clearly feel this way, and it's clearly linked to something your target did.

On top of this, there's some art to knowing what to compliment. I think it's more important that it be something you feel strongly about or are strongly affected by then it be something your target specifically desires compliments for. But I think choosing something your target worked on can, when genuine, be supremely effective.

Thanks for the compliment!

Though, most of my followers haven't actually seen my face (other than my eye), so if you don't ground the compliment in specific details, it feels less meaningful. It feels more like a rote task, giving a compliment because you know you're supposed to without understanding why it works.

When calling someone pretty, ideally it should be an act of vulnerability, not making a claim about the other party, but primarily sharing your own experiences.

"I feel flustered when you look at me", "I'm jealous of how your nice hair looks", "Your smile makes me melt", "I keep getting distracted by the colors of your eyes". The more specific and grounded the experiences, the better. It's hard to give such general examples for this reason. The perfect compliment could only ever be made about the subject, and loses meaning outside that context.

In this way, we can create compliments that can't be simply refuted or brushed off, because to deny them is to deny the speaker's subjective experiences. Ideally, such compliments should be accompanied by evidence, either more precise descriptions of how you know what you're feeling, or pointing to a more objective proof.

oh that's hard im gonna sleep on it. also it's funny the three terms you listed. revealing. Alright, in no particular order, because different doms will have extremely different preference.

Say thank you outside of scenes. Not just literal thank you, but like, normal expressions of gratitude, outside of scenes are very good. Plenty of doms feel a lot of anxiety, but can segment it off in scene, and similarly in scene feel that things that happen in scene only count in scene. Clearly expressing gratitude in ways outside kayfabe can be both necessary and deeply appreciated.

Provide aftercare. A lot of subs, especially inexperienced ones, see aftercare as something a dom provides a sub. This is to the point where I see sex-negative types express an enjoyment of kink from the submissive side purely because they desire aftercare. It's. a very weird cultural point. In any case, like, do it. Figure out what your dom needs. Ask them or just trial and error it. Prepare it beforehand if you need to. And provide it.

Specific compliments and feedback. Say what you like, say what you didn't like, say why you like things, say what you want more of. Engage and participate in a way that shows that you understand the labor and work that goes into dominance, and that you wish to help your dom create for you, by directly helping provide good feedback.

Study and learn independently how to become a better sub. If there's things your dom likes that you know, then read up on those things and learn how you can enjoy them and how you can help make scene of them. Read up on the art of submission and learn how to better provide aftercare, how to better understand the scene, and how to help things go better.

I think that each of the five points I've listed are things that subs can become extremely skilled at. From gaining experience with a broad range of aftercare or studying your own enjoyment to give more precise feedback. To reading a lot of writing about kink and applying it to yourself or simply studying the art of improv or asking questions. Or even just mastering the timing of saying "thank you".

I think it's best to engage with these kinds of things positively. Not seeing them as a "baseline" that your inexperience with is a mark of failure that you must force yourself to improve with. But instead, seeing them as a place to be creative, to enjoy the process of learning, and to explore and discover in ways that are fun and fulfilling.

And also, like, I try to write for autistics, asexuals, those with low-empathy, neophytes, and in general "anyone that this shit does not come naturally to". As someone who had to figure so much shit out on its own because all the people around me refused to explain, saying that "it should come naturally", "everyone knows this", or "just use your brain", I spit upon those people that refuse to explain things for such reasons.

Maybe it makes my writing a touch verbose, and maybe it's not helpful for everyone, but like, idk. I hope it's helpful for someone. It would have been helpful for me. Maybe it gives the impression these things are 'optional' but frankly I don't know what world you live in that doms receive the supposed "baseline" every time. And as a disabled girlthing, I find I'm triaging my 'baseline living conditions' every day.

I had a conversation with some friends about their experiences that inspired me to write up a list of warning signs for cult-like or unhealthy behaviors within online groups. This list is mostly kink community specific, but can apply to SFW communities as well.

Does it feel like you can't disagree with the leadership? Does disagreeing result in punishment, scolding, guilt-tripping, or isolation? Does the leadership refuse to listen to the other side of the argument in favor of declaring their own opinions? Are people threatened with expulsion from the group for having different opinions?

Does the leadership discourage seeking outside information on your chosen subject? Do they frequently disparage other sources/practitioners? Do they claim to be an expert or position themselves as an authority on the subject (an educator, mentor, researcher, etc.) despite a lack of proven qualifications? Do they get held up as smarter or the best source of information by the community?

Do the people in the community observe boundaries? Do the leaders take particular interest in new members, especially submissive ones? Do they push new members towards play quickly or try to get them to talk in private? Is the group extremely affectionate, overly familiar, or generous towards new members? Is private flirting/play kept separate from public conversation?

Is there an imbalance of personality types? Are people in the server primarily vulnerable or emotional? Is the leadership assertive or dominant by comparison? (Not a bad thing in isolation, but with other traits it becomes an issue. In application-based groups it could also indicate intentionally selecting for people unlikely to assert themselves.)

Does the attention, approval, or presence of the leadership get treated as special? Is it more meaningful than attention from other members of the server? Does leadership give you unusual attention or praise if you behave a certain way, or withdraw that attention if you stop?

Does the leadership ask for dramatic lifestyle changes or risky behaviors from members? Do they want you to submit to them without enough safeguards in place? Do they seem to be searching for someone that will let them do anything they want?

look. i'm a big-time "manipulate meeee" type poster. but i'm also trying to internalize that, as a trans woman, i have been repeatedly beaten down and made to believe that the only way i am worthy of being loved is from those that have something to gain from me. it sucks. i'm healing from it, but it's there.

and it's not just me. i see so many wonderful spectacular amazing glimmering brilliant women have zero self-worth, and genuinely believe they have to beg for scraps of attention if they want community, friends, love, sex... etcetc.

i cannot make you care about yourself. but i can tell you that i felt the same way -- i still do sometimes -- and the process of clawing out of that is long and hard but it is possible and it feels so much better to give up control and play and frolic and get hypnotized and kiss and spend time doing weird shit when you don't have the horrible gnawing feeling of dread that that's all you're good for.