Hey, to anyone who is still reading and waiting for my writings...I will say bless you since you are still reading this.
Clearly its been a long time. What I had was like another four-year course on life. Life taught me even though how fortunate you are, we are always directed to look at the unfortunate. Also if you had followed my writings for the past six or seven (?) years, this blog has been my semi-diary and a product of my college past...more of, rather, a product of one of the motivation of my ex-girlfriend. It came out good eventually. Writing has become my partner ever since, a place I can always go to and a friend that always listen. Story is...
...I was stuck on a job that I never wanted but needed. I was searching not only for maturity but also the reality that I cannot always do what I want and easily get what I need (I always speak on vague terms so a few can relate somehow). Those four years, I don’t know what drove me to stay on that industry for a long time but all I knew was that I was doing it for her. We had that promise that after her problem, we will be doing things together.
So I took focus on working and enjoying things I never did before; I got drunk, got home late, bought things I never needed but always wanted, I got more friends and a few more closer friends than I expected and I even got promoted. I was already submitting at what I despised doing at that time but I realized its not too late to stop. So I did. I stopped and do what I wanted to do. I made a film, I returned to the theater industry, I wrote, I blogged, I talked to the people who are close to me and eventually got my spark back. Then she left me.
Many writers became writers because of being heartbroken. And now matter what kind of emotion that is, as long as its strong, we feed on it. So don’t blame me.
I already moved on. Or trying to. I guess. She was the last piece of what I had back in college. The glory I thought I had. The arrogance I thought I haven’t. The pride that kept me going even though I despised myself for the past few years. I realized that yeah, I was living on those times still.
What I thought was, how to remove this toxic feeling? This memory that I was still living on? I am jobless for the past 2 months now and my family has been always supportive. Funny huh. When I said I was fortunate, I never realized that I am because of them. They were always here but I was too stubborn when I said I don’t need them. I was too prideful to admit that when I am lost, I will go back to them. You might lose everything but family should be your everything.
So I escaped the job and now my past has left me. Now I am living with the left overs of how pitiful I am and how lonely life should be. I want to ask those who I have been with, those people who are still close to me...how were they able to move on? How were they able to accept the reality that they will never able to get what they really wanted in life?
It was my glaring question at that time. How envious I am of it. It was answered nonetheless...I reconnected with my theater mentor and he showed me how it is. He has a family now, at his forties and still doing what he wants. Its never too late, what I said to myself.
So the title...yeah, it was a long-time karma. Four years spent living on the life I thought I’m still living and the life that I never wanted. I did bad that time...worse maybe. I thought I had everything and things will come into place the way I always wanted it. I was eaten by reality and denied it but people showed me its part of maturity. Karma was supposed to be a religious thing and I’m not even religious. Point is, that is the best example I can have with my life right now. Maybe I’m still a bit religious. That I believe its a calling rather a sign to change the pace of my life. Accept things and focus on what I can do. Another course of my life, another road that I will take. And I will do good this time.
To you reader, thank you for finishing this. I will be back soon.