GROWING BOVINE

I have been upping the calories in an attempt to give my body nutrients when feeling some new areas for the first time.

I have been foam rolling my lats and legs a little differently. Last night I got deep into the bony part of my hips and it sits different this morning. I have been exploring different chiropracters, and I got a trainer to help me with my weak movements.

There's so much inactive muscle tissue in my legs and back and I'm starting to feel it! I went on a date with a (very beefy) guy who offered an ART session to start. Some of it was helpful, definitely feel my left shoulder different after that. Big crack in my ribs too, that was awesome.

Staying patient is still hard. I'm meditating on it daily. Lots of rage lately at difficult social situations. I was screamed at in a place I thought of as safe by someone I now know isn't safe. They can't take my patience from me, but they definitely tried. It's dark. It doesn't HAVE to be my focus.

- HELPFUL THINGS -

-screaming into a rag as part of morning routine

-foam rolling for feel on legs

-foam rolling spine by section, for breaths

-any exercise using spacer/bosu-ball for balance

-touch from someone bigger/taller than me

I decided to get some different eyes on my posture, and I'm making steps along the path. I have a treatment plan now. It feels much different than physical therapy, and I am exercising patience.

Healing in a calorie deficit is hard, I decided to allow more calories in, with mostly the same foods. Letting peanut butter back in feels like tempting fate. And I am doing better with it than in the past.

Building an elite level of strength is what I'm aiming for. That amount of discipline and consistency is not something that can be bought or begged for. I'm still showing up the most I can. Some days that is just for mobility, and that's great. I enrolled in a class at a new gym and it is kicking my ass. I want to be flexible and I believe I can be if I let this work change me.

There's more sex lately. Some of it is good, and some feels like going through the motions. I went to a circuit party and my experience was very mid. I tried to bury my nerves and nerves won. I was social in a new context that feels like a win.

The depression has been hard as I navigate a support system that is changing. I trusted some people very deeply that I can't really reach anymore. People I would have talked to about body image, and emotions that feel overwhelming. I will find new people to engage with about this. Change is hard.