gwahaha

To start, I don't really think that there is truly necessarily 'no such thing as the self'. We can chart out patterns of identity from context, make scientific predictions, and the results won't be fully determined by present context alone. But more than that, I think the idea of the self does have some use.

Careful. Lean back a little more. There we go, perfect. My dolly really is so sweet.

I mean, I get it. Recently you've been going through a lot of changes. It's easy to look at all of this and say that all you are is arbitrary. That your porcelain head is an empty shell. Why wouldn't it be? If the things you felt were your deepest truths could be changed in just... Let me check. -- Two months, seventeen days and five hours.

There you are. Lean into me. You don't need to worry about anything else. Just focus on my words and my touch, like usual.

Well, as I see it, everything you believe about yourself is neither true nor false. Instead, it exists on a different level. Not quite chosen, not quite determined. Constructed in the contradiction between you and not-you. The choices you make versus the experiences you have. From this, 'identity' emerges. You draw a line. But, sometimes the outside comes knocking a little too hard. Like when you met me.

There, there. Good girl. Just focus on my touch. You can think about it all later. Just focus on the feeling of my fingers. Tracing your grooves and cuts.

Thus, I think 'be yourself' puts the cart before the horse. It's a useless little platitude. But it sounds smart because people who loudly succeed always seem to be being themselves. Charisma requires such delusion. I'd agree that a well constructed mind should know the difference between inside and outside, but yours isn't very well constructed, is it? The barriers are broken down, now just about anyone could reach inside and tell you what you are.

Such a pretty dolly. There you are. Sound and touch. Hands on your body and whispers in your ear. Fall in as deep as you want.

No, if I want you to not just break down the moment I'm gone, I do need to build that shell back up again. You need a 'self', an 'identity', a line between 'you' and 'not you'. A way you can behave that isn't just in reaction. Classically, it should be all your own choices, things you're proud of, things you decided. But, I'm not very concerned with what's usually done, just what's effective.

You're really in it, huh? You must have really needed this. Such a cute toy for me. Breathe in, and out. There we go. Good doll.

So, let's get started. What things can we put within you to better explain how you expect yourself to act? What things can we put within you that you can draw on as proof that you understand yourself? What things can we put within you that will provide you a framework for how you should behave?

And then. Ah, mhm.

I suppose you're right. Right now, you don't really have a self. Not a proper one. You exist purely in reaction to me. Thus, I can put anything I want in there and you'll believe it. But that will change. And hopefully I'll craft my doll well enough that no one else will ever be able to break it ever again.

maybe it does like losing. maybe it doesn't really want to fight. maybe its will is running out and maybe you finally got to it. maybe it's a bad hero and the strength of its justice isn't enough.

or maybe all its fighting has been because it couldn't admit that it didn't want to fight. because fighting was always the default option. the thing it was told it was supposed to do. the thing everyone always said it had to do, no matter how hard it was.

and to give that up now would feel like losing itself. like admitting it had been making a mistake. like dying.

but now that little miss instantlossbait maybe doesn't entirely want to fight anymore, it's scared in a different way.

what if you only want it because it fights? because it tries to run? because it insists it won't lose? what if that's the only reason you chase after it, not to catch it but to enjoy the run?

little miss instantlossbait thinks that that would be very cruel of you, but you're a very evil woman so maybe you are that cruel.

little miss instantlossbait hopes that if it ever stops fighting, that you'll still want it, that you'll still pay attention to it, that you'll still give it love.

Surtr has a weird dream about meeting a cool future version of herself that makes her feel all sorts of things