Just breathe

It's been two days and I'm already wishing we took down the middle wall because i wish they were sleeping upstairs 😂 😅 😅 fucking hell

maybe im just a selfish piece of shit who doesnt deserve anything

im just so down. i dont want to do anything. my mood tanked so much, and i cant get it back up.

i just wish i was allowed to be upset more. ive had to calm and comfort everyone around me during my last menstruation when i was feeling sad and angry, and now im in a low and im still not allowed to be upset. i still have to power through my shit and help everyone else. when do i get to be sad. when do i get to be angry or hurt and not feel guilty about pouring it all out

i wish i wasnt like this. i want to take medicine because these lows are killing me, i feel so empty and sad and unmotivated and lazy, but im afraid to actually get help for it. and as much as i want the lows to stop being so low, i dont want to take medicine because i live for those brief periods of mania. i love them and theyre so nice and i get so much done, and they havent ever been harmful to me yet so its nice. it feels unstoppable.