writing delight :)

Liam was one of the people who did care enough to talk to her about it, and Evelyn knew he was entitled to keeping secrets, but the twisted, jealous part of her longed for him to tell her everything. She didn’t hide much shit, and he did, and it felt so unfair, like he was trying to separate himself from her. She knew it would happen one day, but it couldn’t happen right now.

He trusted her enough to know she wouldn’t reveal the secret, and even though this didn’t seem like a secret, given that Liam looked too flustered to say anything at the thought, too embarrassed but not really shameful, Evelyn knew she would find out one day.

They were best friends, weren’t they?

The longing to go and find out where Liam was kept ringing in the back of her head as she sat on the floor next to the window. The window was large, had shutters that Evelyn usually kept closed, and felt really unsafe. Not that anyone would rob her house when there were rich people extremely close by. Even Natalie was rich, and she lived just a block away.

She opened her shutters slightly. The window in front of her was open and she could clearly see a room decorated with blues and greens, splashes of yellows and a beautiful white bed, though she could see some cracks in it. Evelyn, from experience, would give it two months before it was destroyed badly, though noticeably enough the person sleeping on it wouldn’t be harmed.

“Veronica?” Evelyn gasped and she jimmied open her window fully, leaning kind of outwards. The roof was below her, because the building she lived in had some insane kind of design where they made a slanting roof before and then added another house on top of that with another floor. “When did you shift here?”

Veronica’s mom was a filthy rich, drop dead gorgeous person, who stunned almost everyone in the town. It was a known fact, but here Veronica was, in one of the poorer parts of the city. “Allen?” Veronica said, and she came closer to the window. Her blonde hair was shimmering slightly as the sun hit. It was morning time, on Saturday, and Evelyn had returned from gymnastics.

Veronica had not been there. Coach hadn’t even mentioned her name this time, and Evelyn wondered what was up. “What-”

“Oh,” Veronica said, wincing, “I’m not coming to this comp, dad told coach, got some stuff to do, failing grades and-” 

“You’re smart though,” Evelyn pointed out before snapping her mouth shut. Bad excuses meant something to hide, but also meant panic, something the person did not want to share at all. Evelyn had to keep her mouth shut. “I mean yeah, makes sense, um, okay, cool, I hope you can come in the next one, you’re amazing, honestly.”

“Hard Work, my dear child,” Veronica said, copying that one old lady who had been a gymnast back in the day and tore her ACL before she could compete at nationals and then had to quit. They had all been horrified, because ACL tears were no joke, but Veronica was the only one who took it in stride and listened to the lady’s dark humor, which was kind of impressive, because there was no way Evelyn was going to listen to someone’s entire gymnastics career getting ruined because of a whole snowball of accidents. The lady always told them to work hard, which made sense, but Veronica always quoted it in a joking sense, though Evelyn did know Veronica admired the woman.

Someone called out for Veronica in a surprisingly loud voice given that Evelyn wasn’t even in the same house. “Do you have to go?”

“WAIT A SECOND DIMITRI!” Veronica called back. “Oh yeah, I do, bye window neighbor.”

And this conversation was good, Veronica didn’t tell her much, though they were kind of friends, and that was okay, because they didn’t know each other much. Liam was completely different, because they were close and not telling each other everything horrified Evelyn. 

The thought of gymnastics and school helped distract Evelyn, and she stretched a bit, still sore from her class before she got down to her homework. She finished her AP Calc work, which was arduous but worth it with music taking her mind away from everything she was foolishly jealous of.

She’d had one major friendship her entire life, while Liam knew people. He was close to others. Just one step away from Evelyn, and she would have no one, while he would still have people. It sent stupid jealousy shifting in Evelyn, something she didn’t think she would find so easy to feel. 

Her phone rang, and she glanced over. Liam. She jumped onto her bed and picked up the call. “Evelyn!” Liam exclaimed, finally excited with something in life. “Okay, so I’m going to the movies with a friend and his sister, and like we’re really close to your house, because they live in the building next to you, and seriously, we’re planning to like watch a movie then go to an art exhibition, and it’ll be fun. I just met the friend recently, and he’s super cool. He's a senior, different school, but he’s kind of got a rep like you.”

“No one’s like me,” Evelyn replied, smirking. This was one thing she got to be proud of.

“Not exactly like you, but he’s great. You’ll get along like a house on fire, and this one’s not even one of those cheesy romantic films that we find way too cute to deal with.”

“If it was all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not convince me to get off this bed, Liam.”

“Who even uses that phrase anymore?” Liam asked rhetorically. “Okay, but seriously, get ready in fifteen. My introverted ass is finally ready to be the first person to initiate something, so I need an award.”

“I think you transferred your social battery to me,” Evelyn said, even though they both knew that wasn’t true. She was a bit interested in these two new people, so she would go anyway, even if she was tired or busy. And who was she kidding, this was going to be interesting. Two people Liam newly met, one supposedly like Evelyn, but not exactly the same? “Cool though, what theme are you wearing?”

“Decided to wear full black entourage, babes,” Liam said, “with a silver chain, pretty cool, no?”

“I didn’t think you knew where neutral colors were in your closet, you ass. Don’t tell me you can actually dress yourself?”

“I know I have black cargos, a black top and a black leather jacket. They’re too classy to wear to school though,” Liam pointed out, which was kind of true, but he did have clothes in his corner that weren’t total neon colors and Evelyn knew he refused to wear them on purpose.

“Shut up, I can’t believe you wore good clothes. Let me change, I’ll come down in a few.”

It didn’t take her long to get ready, because makeup was expensive, her mother was way too suspicious about makeup for it to be normal, and she did have some at home, enough for her to put on mascara, a little eyeliner and conceal some spots that she absolutely hated. She still hadn’t found the perfect shade of blush, even though she had found the perfect shade of foundation on her first try. Blush was completely different, on the edge of if it was too pink or not. 

She slipped into a black skirt with a black blouse and tied up her hair, which was thick and way too unruly to let open. She left a few strands open to frame her face and applied lip balm on her lips because there was no way she was applying lipstick right now, or lip gloss, because food, obviously. 

Grabbing a small black bag as she went and tucking her phone into it, Evelyn wrote a note for her mom and stuck it on the kitchen counter before putting on her black boots and standing outside. 

Twelve and a half minutes. Evelyn would have to wait for two and a half minutes more, because really Liam was either late or exactly on time. Early meant nothing to him, even by a second. She wondered who was driving them, but she figured Liam had it handled. 

At exactly fifteen minutes, a brown car appeared. Evelyn didn’t know much about cars, but it was the big type, not too fancy, mainly meant to be able to transport people, to be honest. Not flashy. Liam stepped out, looking surprisingly neat, and he waved her over. A guy was sitting in the driver’s seat, and-

“Veronica?” Evelyn gasped for like the second time that day. There were a certain number of things she didn’t really expect, and this was one of them. Veronica having a brother was news to her, and Liam smiled.

“Wait, gymnastics Veronica?” Liam asked, looking surprised. Evelyn didn’t take pictures, and Liam did go to her competitions, but he didn’t really focus on most people’s names, having no reason to. “Okay,” Liam said when Evelyn shoved herself into the car. “So you don’t need introductions to her. Do you know-”

“My brother, Dimitri Mikhaylov,” Veronica said, and now Evelyn could confirm Veronica’s surname was in no way Mikhaylov. Evelyn waved and Dimitri glanced back for a second to send her a quick grin before starting the car. “And Liam, are you sure your annoying siblings aren’t going to join?”

“They’re not annoying,” Liam protested, though ‘annoying’ was the exact adjective Liam had used to describe his cousins at every occasion. Everyone thought they were siblings too, and Liam didn’t really care enough to repute it. Cousins, siblings, there was no difference to him. 

“Sure,” Veronica said. “Anyway, the movie’s not gonna suck, which automatically means they’re not coming, for which I am grateful. Also, Dimitri, next time I’m driving, and no you don’t have a choice.”

“And you don’t have a license,” Dimitri said.

“Next week, I’m warning you,” Veronica fake shot Dimitri with finger guns. “And then you’re never going to drive this damn car.”

“The only reason I drive this damn car is so that your dad doesn’t look like he’s about to cry.”

“Oh, shut up. If you wrecked the car he wouldn’t care. It’s like a was-”

Ugh. They remembered Liam and Evelyn were there. Evelyn wasn’t too much of a gossip, but at times it was interesting. She wouldn’t have told anyone, since it seemed extremely private, but knowing things was so much fun.

And no one ever told her enough for her to know things. She had to learn, interrogate, find out, because she clearly wasn’t mature enough to know the information, wouldn’t be able to handle it, wasn’t important enough to be in the know, or whatever. Information she kept hoarded in her brain, and even if she didn’t use it, it was there. Like proof or something of that sort, Evelyn wasn’t sure.

Right now, her main information was that Liam either knew Veronica and was sneaking out to meet her, or it was Dimitri. To be honest, it wasn’t really sneaking out, given that Liam wasn’t like leaving in the middle of the night without permission. He was going at times when his cousins presumed he was sneaking out because he was sneakily going to meet Evelyn.

The awkward silence was even worse in the car by the time Evelyn tuned back into the conversation, still gazing fixated at Liam as though she could find out everything about him that way. Not like she wouldn’t try though. 

As Veronica looked outside the window and Liam had his head against his own closed window, eyes shut, Dimitri turned up the volume of the music. “Not good at convos?” Evelyn asked, partially curious. After all, Dimitri was supposedly like her.

“Not awkward ones when we barely know each other.”

“Liam thinks I’m like you,” Evelyn said, shooting him a face that hopefully looked analytical. She didn’t really have anything to analyze, given that everyone was wearing black, and also the fact that literally all the family drama Evelyn was picking up was not that prevalent in her house. So traumatic backstories no, dressing style could be a maybe, but what else? It was Veronica’s playlist playing, Evelyn recognized it, knew the exact orders of songs when not on shuffle, so she didn’t get to judge Dimitri based on that either.

“I think we have similar punching places,” Dimitri said, matter of factly, like he somehow knew all the places she was punching people.

“Are you stalking me,” Evelyn gasped, though she didn’t really mean it. Dimitri didn’t look stupid, and it was pretty obvious if you were observant enough where exactly she punched people. There was that one alley with the trashcan where she punched that dude who’d stolen and burnt Liam’s homework, and she had taken the lid of the can and slammed it into the guy’s head.

At least he never did anything to Liam again.

“Stalking? Me? I’m a model citizen,” Dimitri said. “And I know because I’ve gotten into fights there as well.”

There was a difference between fights and one man down with a punch. Maybe not too much, but fights usually meant both sides got the opportunity to fight, while punches were usually like a predator hunting prey type of stuff, in the most English Literature way of saying it. “Okay Mr. Model Citizen who punches people. Are you Captain America now?” She had watched Marvel ages back with Liam, who’d practically begged her to have binge-watching sessions with him. Late nights before exams of course, because having them after exams was obviously really impractical.

“I’m Russian, can I be Bucky Barnes?” Dimitri asked, like he was seriously considering it. Cool shit.

“You want your arm cut off?”

“Well, I don’t particularly have the right parts for Natasha Romanoff do I?” Dimitri said and Evelyn laughed, bringing her palm up to her mouth. 

“Pretty sure Natasha Romanoff had what you don't have cut off,” Evelyn pointed out.

“Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I’m keeping my manly bits, cool?” 

“Lame.”

“You should be Black Widow.”

“I’m too non-Russian for that, I feel,” Evelyn said, “imagine, a black widow who can’t even speak Russian.”

“Horrific.”

Evelyn suddenly had the odd temptation to invite him to the next binge-watching new marvel movies and crying about how horrible they are session, but she decided not to, a little embarrassed about it. Seriously, that was also Liam and her time, no intruders. 

What the hell was up with volatile emotions lately? 

Dimitri Mikhaylov looked back and smiled at her. “Here’s to the newest marvel movies,” he said, pointing to the trashcan Evelyn could barely spot in one of the allies they passed by.

Evelyn laughed. 

Her primary concern before gymnastics was always going to be making sure that she hadn’t somehow forgotten her grips, not whether she had a jacket or not. 

Whatever. Time to answer Miss. Student Council President. Evelyn stared straight into Clara William’s blue eyes, a habit that she probably needed to stop and started explaining. “I don’t know if you came to that party two months back, Lilith’s party, but-”

“Yeah, I know,” Clara said, completely interrupting Evelyn. Wow, the attitude level was high right now. Either protective spirit made Clara mean, or she was only an asshole when nobody was watching except inconsequential people like Evelyn Allen. At least it made it easier for Evelyn not want to absolutely sink into beautiful blue eyes. Really, listening skills were hot. Clara should consider developing them, though she probably made up for it with the nice girl attitude she had to literally everyone except Evelyn in school. 

Seriously, what the hell had Evelyn done to Clara Williams to get such a drastic reaction? Such a change in personality was honestly unprecedented, and when people saw her, they did tend to be either angry, disappointed for some reason, pitiful, or disapproving as if they had any say in her life. Or they were scared that Evelyn would do something to them, which was seriously wild, because she’d only done shit to people who hurt people she cared about. And assholes in general.

“Okay,” Evelyn drawled, telling herself to stop trying to figure out Clara Williams. Maybe she was just… An asshole at home or something. It did not need to matter to Evelyn, who just needed to interact with Clara Williams once more. “Well, I was drunk off my ass, and you better not snitch on me, because there’s no way you’ve never gone to one of the parties and not drunk any alcohol, even if you do try to convince me there’s no fucking way I’m gonna believe you. Nuh uh. Anyway, so basically,” Evelyn took a breath, firstly to speak more and secondly to shape herself for the nervousness of someone who was extremely embarrassed.

Kissing Cameron might have still made her look back with embarrassment, but Evelyn really wasn’t the type to show her flustered self at the thought of kissing the wrong guy. Though perhaps if she was, you know, actually in that situation, things would have been different. “I saw Cam, and he looks a hell lot like Liam, and again- drunk,” Evelyn ducked her head. “God, this is embarrassing. We-”

“You kissed Cameron?” Clara Williams finally looked a teensy bit shocked, her mouth slightly ajar. “You better not have been dating Liam at that point. He forgives easily, but I don’t.” Her premature warning made Evelyn sigh. “And stop adding that you’re drunk. I got that the first time you said it.”

“Okay, okay, anyway, Liam saw, and no we weren’t dating, but um,” Evelyn said, like she didn’t want to reveal Liam’s very real feelings at that time. “So he dropped me off, but he looked kinda pissed, you know, and I was so confused- like me and Liam are besties, and it’s not like I ditched him too much at the party. He’d gone off with other friends anyway, but turns out he was actually a little, how to say it, annoyed that I’d kissed Cameron.”

Clara had a small smirk on her face. “So that’s where he was off the whole day. And why he took so much longer than usual to come back.” 

Evelyn nodded, though she wasn’t really sure what time Liam had reached back. Really, Cameron and Clara were letting themselves connect non-existent dots, and it was kind of hilarious. Good deduction, when the first puzzle piece is actually not meant there. “He came over the next day,” Evelyn muttered, “then he kissed me. I was, umm… I’ve not kissed a lot of people, especially not those I like as much as Liam-”

In Evelyn’s defense, her story had some truths to it. She’d never kissed as many people as Lilith had, or even Steph had, and she definitely liked Liam, even if it wasn’t in the romantic sense. 

“Anyway, yeah, I ran.” Evelyn had been extremely reluctant about adding that bit, but she knew, if confronted with something like that she would have run away, not understanding, especially if she personally had feelings. She was good at being angry, wrecking people's houses, good at destroying stuff, good at being a messed up kid, but emotions could sometimes be a big no. “And recess-”

“You and Liam time?” Clara asked, like it wasn’t public information. Really, was Clara the less lazy copy of Cameron or something? Clara was older, so maybe Cameron was the blurred photocopy of Clara or something. 

Nodding anyway, Evelyn said, “It’s easier to think, then. To actually figure things out, because we both care about each other. So we worked, and we sorted things. Everything started making more sense after that, I believed he liked me, he realized I liked him, and then we kissed. Again.”

The matter of fact tone she used made Evelyn wince inwardly. Really, she did know Clara would get fooled because she didn’t know Evelyn, but Liam would have called out her lie hard and fast.

“That’s why he disappeared so often,” Clara said, almost as if to herself, and Evelyn’s eyes widened. Liam and her did not sneak around, because they were friends, not a secret, and even if they had been dating, Liam would have never let it be a secret, and if he was fine with it, Evelyn wouldn’t have wanted to be a secret again. “You don’t need to sneak around now, in fact, you shouldn’t,” Clara added, like she believed Evelyn would sneak around so that she could hurt Liam when Clara wasn’t there.

Evelyn nodded, mind still racing. Stalking was not good, but first she’d ask Liam, and then if he didn’t tell her, was marginally suspicious about it, she’d stalk him. She was not going to let some random person hurt Liam, who, good for him, knew who was a shifty person or trustable. Maybe Evelyn was a bit paranoid, maybe Liam had gotten a friend he was sacrificing their time for, maybe that was what made her so protective. A feeling that could slip into anger easily. How fun.

She did know she couldn’t choose a random time Liam wasn’t at home and Evelyn wasn’t either for some date time. She could only use times they were together, because apparently the entire house knew Evelyn’s schedule, which wasn’t really creepy because Evelyn’s mom also knew exactly where Liam was at all times, so that if he was stranded or slightly late and Evelyn couldn’t do anything, her mom would help him. And if he was at his internship or part time job and needed to be picked up because he was absolutely exhausted. 

“When was your first date,” Clara asked, a little politer this time. “I know Liam’s schedule, obviously know yours, I think Cam said he mentioned it-”

Time for interjection and being a perpetual annoyance the way Clara had been a little while back. Though Evelyn was no way near as pretty an annoyance as Clara Williams was, she was at least a little bit close. “We went to a lake, one week after that recess. Liam’s part time job had ended, yeah, the one at that really dark themed bakery, and he’d begged his boss, who was actually a nice person, which by the way, surprised me too.”

Clara’s raised eyebrow said all she needed to say about Evelyn’s rambling, but when Evelyn had interrupted her face had twitched a bit, so good.

Pretty people really could not judge people about rambling. The only difference between Clara or Evelyn rambling was that Clara got enough pretty privilege that people let her continue without talking over her. “He got a cupcake, and he dragged me to the lake.”

The lake was not really nearby, but Evelyn had taken her motorbike, slammed a helmet on both of their heads, one of the helmets specifically doodled with Liam’s name, and gone as fast as she legally could. She was great at getting out of trouble, but the police department in her town was also trash and did not care enough about middle and low class families whose things got wrecked. Rich kids were different, and Evelyn did have different ways of going for them. Just not something that could be blamed on her if the police department bothered to try, which they usually didn’t.

“We, um, kissed-” Evelyn tried to explain, but really, explaining that to someone’s cousin had no un-awkward way around it. Clara flushed red, for the first time ever, her cheeks dusted cutely in red, and Evelyn hid her smile.

Clara’s lip curled before she looked away. “I do not need to know that,” she said, effectively ending that part. “What happened besides you kissing my brother?” The thought of Evelyn kissing Liam seemed- not exactly disgust Clara, but did make Clara give Evelyn some slightly judgemental eyebrows, though the judgment was unclear. 

“He made me do tricks on the sand and tried to copy me, got a large picnic lunch and made me pay for his favorite soda.” All of that was true enough that Clara smiled. Evelyn didn’t mention some stuff though, like how he’d showed her his favorite fish and stood in the same place for close to half an hour to take pictures, like how he had tried to teach her parkour, something he’d been learning recently, which Evelyn was actually decent at. He had split the cupcake and then pushed her down a small hill.

A small hill covered with greens, not steep at all, though good thing he had managed to catch her before she ended up in the lake, unable to stop her own velocity. It would have been incredibly frustrating, but Evelyn had been wearing her old part time job’s clothes, and those getting dirty was no problem to her. She would love to shove the dirty clothes in her boss’ face, showing the sacrilegious thing she had done to the company’s things.

Not that she had done anything truly sacrilegious according to her, given that rolling in the mud was literally no big deal. Still… If she said that to the older man’s face, that would be fun. 

Fingers snapped in front of her face. “I do not need you dreaming about my cousin in front of me,” Clara said, and when Evelyn looked at her properly, Evelyn could see that Clara had finally decided to believe it.

Really, it was kind of embarrassing that Evelyn day dreamed enough about annoying her ex-boss that it convinced Clara that she was dreaming about a date with someone she really liked. “Um-” Evelyn muttered, not at all embarrassed. Evelyn did not get embarrassed. “I thought you wanted to know everything about it though.” She smirked. “Is it the incest thing, I mean clearly you don’t actually want to hear it, which, by the way, gives me so much relief-”

“There is no incest in my family,” Clara said, and this time her demanding tone was actually appropriate, and Evelyn gave a small laugh and shut her mouth as Clara launched forward to shut Evelyn’s mouth with her hand. “That is utterly disgusting, and never say anything about that again.” Evelyn nodded frantically, holding in laughter and Clara removed her hand from Evelyn’s mouth.

“Okay, okay, but seriously, you guys do have an unhealthy obsession with Liam’s relationship,” Evelyn pointed out.

“He sneaks out all the time,” Clara said. “We were trying to figure out where to. Makes sense now.”

Okay, Liam was about to be interrogated, hard. Evelyn was curious, and she was going to find Liam and confront him soon, because her curiosity was itching. They did not sneak around, sometimes they did, but that was usually when Liam had the insatiable desire to graffiti over a homophobe’s house, and the homophobe was very attentive so they couldn’t do it when the homophobe was awake. 

Evelyn tried not to think about homophobes, the fear they sometimes sent crawling through her, the jumpiness anytime she was around someone rumored to have bullied gay kids, being around anyone in general when the cheerleader was in her vicinity, wondering if the girl would out Evelyn. All that extra tension had made Evelyn get mad, wreck people’s lives like they wrecked other’s.

“I am not telling you what we do when he snuck out at night,” Evelyn happily pointed out and Clara gagged.

“I’m not asking,” Clara said, forehead wrinkling with a frown. “No more sneaking around like you’re still a secret. My baby cousin is worth more than that. You better remember, as much as you can ride a motorbike, I can punch your face and trick teachers into believing me over you, whatever you say.”

Her face was odd, all pinched up into a grimace, but it cleared out in a second and she glared at Evelyn before getting up.

“Let’s go, I can hear Liam shouting,” Clara said. Evelyn focused a bit more, away from Clara’s blue eyes.

She focused back on the house, manor, really big house, whatever, and could hear Cameron screaming at Liam to shut up, and Liam screaming after his cousin like a wild animal. Honestly, Evelyn could imagine the scene, as she knew Mrs. Walker had captured something like that once. Cameron and Liam running down the spiral stairs in the house, Liam almost jumping on Cameron, and Cameron absolutely running for his life. Liam had painted the picture, and he’d said he and Cam kept no secrets.

So really, Cameron not knowing Liam’s actual secret, Evelyn not knowing it, made it all the more curious. Liam could keep secrets, everyone could, if they tried hard enough, it was a simple thing, but seriously, who was Liam hanging out with?

Insatiable curiosity aside, Liam was going to be interrogated. Hard. She knew he had to be hanging out with someone, maybe someone the school hated, maybe an older guy, which by the way, was not good because the older guy could be a pedo and Evelyn was going to ruin that man before he did anything to Liam.

Really, a little protective instinct was fine.

Evelyn walked through the house, towards the main door. She looked back for a second and saw someone walking in the same kind of outfit she wore when biking outside of the fence of the Walkers’ house before Clara’s laugh drew her attention.

Evelyn flushed as she saw Clara’s mouth split open into a wide grin. 

Seriously, she needed to stop thinking about Clara Williams.

“Comp’s in a month and she hasn’t been here for one and a half weeks. I tried calling her, but she’s not picking up. I guess we’re going to have to deal with Coach absolutely murdering us,” Evelyn muttered. She loved gymnastics, but if Veronica didn’t come, their team would be one less. Of course, Coach probably already knew who he’d get on the team if Veronica didn’t join by next week, but Veronica was… Her gymnastics was beautiful.

It was really pretty, and Veronica won best all-round last time, so for their team she would have helped so much.

And classes were a whole lot better when Veronica muttered something snarky every two seconds.

“If she comes back next week, I’m punching her in the face,” Natalie declared, messaging someone on her phone. Evelyn’s parents were busy, so Evelyn had decided to go back with Natalie, who lived a street away. 

What was a little bit of walking compared to a gymnastics class?

Absolutely nothing.

Though Evelyn had no idea how much strength she even had left to walk, it'd be fine. Coach would probably realize her legs were a little more tired than usual tomorrow, but he knew her limits even if Evelyn herself didn’t know them. He’d stop her if he thought she should rest.

Evelyn rested her head against the wall behind her and closed her eyes for a second. A car rumbled up the path and she opened her eyes again to look at Natalie. “Your mom’s already arrived?” Evelyn muttered, unsure. She gathered herself.

“Umm, no,” Natalie said hesitantly. Evelyn looked around. There was no one left, except Natalie, Evelyn and the black car. “Okay, let’s just pretend we don’t exist. Back the hell out of here. We can do this.” Her voice shook.

Evelyn worried too. Black cars? Not a good signal. Black cars in front of a lonesome gymnastics gym where the only people left were two teenage girls? Terrible. Scare worthy. Her breath hitched as the door opened. 

A head of strawberry blonde hair appeared out of the car, followed by-

Why the hell was Clara Walker at her gymnastics class? Evelyn blinked. “That is not a kidnapper,” Natalie muttered. “What the hell is miss president doing here of all places?”

“She’s Liam’s cousin,” Evelyn said, though it sounded more like a question. Clara walked towards them. She was wearing a black blouse with a jacket which had like four different colors on top of it and a red collar. Her pants were flared at the bottom and a glaring red. She ran her hand through her hair and her jacket, already loose, dropped a little, revealing sharp collarbones.

Evelyn Allen did not blush. She only blushed when she was caught pickpocketing at that one party in freshman year and that one time she parked her motorbike in front of school and slipped off it by accident. Clara Walker would not make her blush. Evelyn refused. 

“Evelyn right?” Clara asked, stopping in front of Evelyn. “Liam asked me to pick you up.”

Which, Evelyn thought, did not make sense. Liam was either being a good student, hanging out with his friends, or hanging out with a mysterious person Cameron indirectly told her about. However, Evelyn did not blow up whatever Liam had going on with another person, and she was not flustered enough that she would embarrass herself further in front of Clara. “Sure.”

“Does your friend need a ride?” Clara asked, the silver necklace she wore glinting as she turned her head. 

“I’m good,” Natalie said. “Thanks for the offer though.”

She wasn’t blushing. Evelyn did not know how. Straight people could not appreciate beauty, Evelyn thought, a little judgmentally. 

“See you tomorrow, Nat,” Evelyn said, tossing Natalie a piece of gum she had a hoard of at all times. She usually gave it to Nat every time Natalie dropped Evelyn off and since she had been planning to drop Evelyn off everyday, Evelyn gave it today too. The wrapper of the gum crinkled as Evelyn opened it and tossed it into her mouth. 

In her pockets, whose existence was a miracle in itself, Evelyn had nothing for the first time ever and she stuffed the wrapper. She’d chuck it later.  “Family dinner,” Clara said as they reached the car. Evelyn sat in shotgun as Clara started up the car. “Well, Liam’s family dinner, and he invited Cam, Sadie and me. I invited you, because Sadie’s not coming, Cam’s going to be too distracted texting his girlfriend and Liam’s going to be doing his best to investigate Sadie and Cam. He’ll also be helping Aunt cook, so you and I are the only ones left.” There was a small smirk on Clara’s lips.

It sent Evelyn’s thoughts in the completely wrong direction and she ducked her head down and facing away from Clara to hide the flush on her cheeks. Her pale skin made her the red on her cheeks very visible, and it was annoying to say the least. 

She got herself back to Clara’s words and asked, “And you’ll then proceed to give me the shovel talk?” It was rhetorical. There was no way Clara Walker would spend time with her for any other reason. Evelyn’s reputation was not too bad, but it was also slightly in the gutter from all her escapades. She was pretty sure the couple she accidentally got together were the only two people except Liam who were in the rumor mill and didn’t believe it. Even Steph did, even though she couldn't care less.

“Of course,” Clara grinned, sharp and quick, head recklessly turning away from the road for a second before she focused again. “You don’t need to worry though, I’m sure.” Her head tilted sideways like she was saying something without words, but as good as Evelyn was at reading people, she didn’t know the language Clara wrote in. 

The traffic light was red and Clara slowed to a stop, just two blocks away from their house. “Okay, listen up.” It was one of the only times Evelyn had heard Clara without the peppy kid tone Clara Walker used when she talked to others. Clara tilted her body towards Evelyn. “I don’t think you’ll need the shovel talk, but to be honest, Liam can’t keep secrets. And the fact that you’re claiming you got together more than two weeks ago? And he didn’t tell me, at least? Does not in fact sound legit to me.”

Oh, they were going to have a long conversation. That head tilt had probably been a threat.

Still, having Clara’s blue eyes staring into Evelyn’s, sharp and focused almost made Evelyn shiver with thoughts of how pretty Clara was. At the angle Clara was in, the sun hit the flat planes of her cheek, dusting her hair in shades of gold. 

Pretty people, honestly. Evelyn tried to focus again, keep herself away from stupidly reaching out to trace the line of Clara’s jaw, the slope of her nose and the arch of her upper lip. This was what had gotten her into trouble last year, staring at girls too much, being head over heelsand fucked up, not keeping on track to what she was supposed to focus on.

This was a small task. 

It was not complicated, and Evelyn’s brain couldn’t handle it. She balled her hands into fists and sharp nails dug into calluses on her hand from gymnastics and badly fit gloves while riding her motorcycle. 

“-And before the start of supper you will be giving me the full story. Not the half story you give Stephanie and Cameron, or the rumors Lilith’s been spreading,” Clara said, and Evelyn must have missed a bunch of the conversation but nodded anyway, noticing how they had reached the house. Evelyn was pushed out as Clara went to park the car.

It was a cliche rich people house, but the Walkers did not know the meaning of gardeners, so there were vines reaching to windows, messy trees and heavy bushes. The grass in the front lawn was tall, but thankfully there was a front path that has a few flowers sprinkled to its sides. There was a small fountain to the side, the only portion that had good plants, elegantly shaped and strategically positioned. The large front door was familiar to Evelyn, down to the two scratches at the bottom from the time Liam had a dog for a while, to the time Liam had tried to keep a parrot that kept on trying to destroy the door, giving four five scratches near the top.

Clara parked the car in the garage and hurried up to where Evelyn was, feet hitting the pavement sharply and her presence way too close, a sharp heat and the gentle smell of perfume. She opened the door, which, for some stupid reason, was unlocked.

Liam must have calculated how much time it would take for her to reach from Clara picking her up and planning it out, good on him, though really, how that boy had no sense about you know, thieves, Evelyn would never know, given his house was a walking wet dream for anyone wanting to break in.

Evelyn stepped in and rubbed her grubby shoes on the mat before walking inside. Her torn up, destroyed sneakers looked out of place on the tiled floor, but she had seen what footwear Liam chose to wear on a daily basis. At least she had minor standards, so she presumed Mr and Mrs. Walker had seen worse.

“Hi Mrs. Walker,” Evelyn greeted as a woman came running out of the kitchen at the sound of Clara’s very inelegant footsteps. Mrs. Walker, who always asked Evelyn to call her Anne, had beautiful bronze skin and syrupy honey gold eyes like Liam’s, with smile lines on her face. She wore chic clothes and had astounding balance in heels.

“Evelyn dear!” Mrs. Walker exclaimed. “Call me Anne, as I’ve told you before.” She smiled and gave Evelyn a small hug. At first, the hug had been weird, but with time, and Evelyn’s multiple visits to the Walkers’ house, she’d grown comfortable. “Clara dear, you came just on time,” Mrs. Walker said and gave Clara a tight hug. “It’s been too long,” she said, “but I made your favorite. Come sit, Liam set everything up.”

Evelyn almost laughed as Clara spoke again. “Liam? With cutlery? You won’t need to visit a store to buy anything broken?”

Liam wasn’t clumsy, but he was fidgety, and had a tendency to chuck everything in the sky, see how long he could wait before he caught it again. He’d almost scared the life out of Evelyn when he did it with his phone, and she’d kept all her valuable stuff out of his reach since then. Pencils were fine, dangerous to his eye but not really breakable. Literally anything else though? HIghly destructible. 

Evelyn padded towards the washroom to wash her hands before sitting on the large, marble dining table. The entire house was decorated with various little statues but the dining room was pretty bare, though the beauty of the table definitely made up for it. Clara slipped into the seat next to Evelyn, keeping a gentle hand on Evelyn’s forearm. “Don’t forget,” she whispered. “Aunt’s just giving some drinks right now, then I’m hauling you with me to the gardens. We’re going to talk, no one will disturb us. Enjoy the refreshments,” Clara said, as though they were in a literal hotel.

With the grandness of the house, it used to feel like Evelyn was going to be offered refreshments anyway, to be honest. It was a grand house, so sparkly-ish, though Evelyn herself didn’t know what she meant by it.

“Eve!” Liam hurried in, Cameron following behind him sedately, books balanced on his head. Liam had two mismatched socks on and a normal, black top, the one that Liam wore every time there was a family dinner with his cousins invited. “He hugged Evelyn from behind her chair and sat on her other side. 

Clara’s eyes followed Evelyn sharply, and Evelyn hung onto Liam’s hand, tracing his fingers with her own. This had to be stuff partners did. Casual affection, something Evelyn did give freely to Liam, but something she didn’t give as a romantic gesture.

How to dial up everything to make it obvious they were dating without actually kissing? Being really, really fucking close. Evelyn pressed her shoulder against Liam’s, and lightly rested her head there before Liam let go of her hand and slung his arm around her chair. If Clara William still had her doubts; it went without saying Evelyn would literally cry.

Seriously, did the cousins need to see them kiss or something as proof?

Ew.

Cameron collapsed on a chair and removed the books balanced from his head before opening his phone that kept buzzing constantly. Clara rolled her eyes. “He’s so attached,” she fake whispered, since it was obvious that Liam had no idea what was going on. Evelyn giggled and Liam perked up.

“Cammy boy, what is this about attachment I hear?” Liam smiled.

“Nothing,” Cameron said, very convincingly. “Stop peeping into my phone you-”

Mrs. Walker chose that moment to walk in and put some drinks on the table. Obviously non-alcoholic, because firstly they were teenagers, and secondly, the Walkers didn’t have alcohol. At all. Cameron snatched the interesting pink looking one and gulped it, pretending he wasn’t about to curse Liam out before Mrs. Walker walked in.

“Go on, Cameron,” Liam urged.

“Liam,” Mrs. Walker said, “let him have his drink in peace. I haven’t seen him in so long and I made his favorite one.” She pushed a really fancy drink towards Clara, and the two remaining ones towards Liam and Evelyn. There was a plate of cookies too, which made Evelyn immediately take one and break it into half to give to Liam as well. 

Did couples seriously have to share food? So annoying. 

“Thanks, Mrs. Walker,” Cameron said, glass already half empty when he put it down. His face was flushed with the speed he drank it, but it was clear he was praying Liam had forgotten the topic. 

They drank the drinks and Liam smiled at the half cookie, and Evelyn and Clara finished theirs by the time Mrs. Walker left. 

“Tell me, Cam,” Liam said, shoving slightly at Cameron, his toes pressing into Cameron’s stomach as he brought his leg up. “You have to tell.” 

“This is going to take a while,” Clara whispered, for real this time. There was a smile in her voice, and she got out of her chair silently. “Come with me. To the gardens.”

Oh no, time to fool someone who knows Liam really well.

Evelyn was a good liar though. She really was, and she could do this. Clara Williams with her pretty face and cool blue eyes and sharp jaw was not going to scare Evelyn. Seriously, Clara Williams was nothing but someone Evelyn had to deal with for the next few months before Clara went to college.

It was the cheerleader, and Evelyn had sprang back and almost punched the girl, but she was so uncoordinated she stumbled out of the cupboard instead, and to remove the taste of the girl from her mouth, Evelyn had kissed the first person she’d seen. It had felt bland, useless, even worse than the kisses with Liam had felt. 

Evelyn had pushed him away, muttering under her breath about how even Liam’s kiss was better than this. That was what she’d intended to say, but if he focused on that night she knew she’d actually said Liam, voice a little rough around the edges and muttered something about how his kiss was better, her entire sentence lost to alcohol. 

She had stumbled around in heels and Liam had escorted her back home because though she only lived a little distance away, he was a nice friend. She had seen the face of the guy she had kissed, but thought nothing of the raised eyebrows.

Now though, Evelyn looked at the very familiar face who knew just how drunk Evelyn could get and knew the perfect story. Idly, she realized with a small internal laugh that Liam’s cousin had to be the person she kissed. Cameron was her height when she had her heels on, which was impressive, but looking at him gave her that dizzy feeling she had at that party. 

Evelyn fiddled with her hoops and said, “hey Cam,” in the most, i-know-we-kissed-but-can-we-forget-that tone she had ever used. She wasn’t into denial much. Better to face things head on. But anyone who was actually dating Liam would be awkward at having kissed his cousin. 

“Evelyn,” Cameron said, a small smile gracing his lips mischievously as he sat next to her in the cafeteria. “So… Liam and you, huh?”

Okay, now it was a free pass to act normal again. “Listening to the rumor mill again, Cameron? Didn’t think you’d like it after they thought you kissed your sister.” Evelyn stared at him right in the eye and took a sip of her chocolate milkshake.

Cameron, who was just about to chew down his food, coughed and drank water hurriedly. “Seriously? Lilith didn’t start that rumor. Everyone knows 99% of rumors that Lilith starts are true.”

“Maybe I’m in the 1%, genius.” Evelyn bit back, staring at him with hazel eyes and slung her black hair over her shoulder. 

“So it’s a coincidence you and Liam usually match clothes?” Cameron’s grin got even larger as if he knew her secret.

Idiot. Evelyn made Liam wear socially acceptable clothes, and matched them with her for fun, because usually they had classes together and Liam liked being matchy-matchy with someone. Though the human brain had a tendency to make patterns when someone was looking for them, so she could forgive Cameron she supposed. 

She did remember how hard it was to convince Liam the first time. Evelyn had climbed up to his room window, picked the lock and took a scissor out of her pocket and held it to his neon clothes and told him she’d tear half of them up if he didn’t wear something normal. 

It was school picture day, and Mrs. Walker had basically begged her to do something about her son’s clothes anyway. Besides, with how rich the Walker family was, a few clothes would barely have made a dent on Liam’s massive closet that had actually good clothes that didn’t even require effort to match. 

They didn’t match today though. Evelyn was wearing her black skirt with black top on top, under which she had a white long sleeved t-shirt. She wore her black boots with heels, but didn’t do any makeup because there was no time between her morning practice for gymnastics and her first class. Liam however, turned up with his extremely bright neon combo paired with expensive boots that he used to make himself look a little taller.

“We aren’t even matching today,” Evelyn said, giving Cameron barely a glance before playing with the straw of her milkshake.

“Because you had gymnastics practice. Our entire house knows your schedule whether it’s from Liam or-” Cameron broke off. “Well, we know your schedule, and Clara did try her best to make Liam look presentable, but he ran to his room, changed into his hideous clothes and escaped out of his window.”

Evelyn let out a little laugh, because despite her annoyance at Liam’s dressing habits, the look on Cameron’s face was worth it. She was, however, curious as to why he cut himself off. “I’m working on it.”

“Oh, we know. So, is he your boyfriend or not?”

“Yes, Cameron, you nosy child, I am dating Liam. Was this the only reason you sat here today and can I go back to my milkshake?” Evelyn wouldn’t have responded after anyway, because the cafeteria was loud and trying to hold a conversation made her brain hurt, especially with Cameron, who always looked like he was laughing at a joke the rest of the world hadn’t even heard of. 

“When’d you get together? Up until two weeks back we were setting him up so much.” Cameron groaned. “He was nicest with people who looked like you. We should’ve guessed.”

“In any other context, Cam, given my whiteness, he would sound racist as fuck man,” Evelyn said, and laughed as Cameron wrinkled his nose. 

“You know what I mean. Why do you keep trying to divert the topic?”

“Do I need to talk about the love of my life to you Cameron? Do you want to know what kissing him feels like?” Evelyn mocked, scowling, hating that he realized her favorite hobby was diverting the topic as much as possible. “Maybe the rumor was true though. You should apologize to the girl who spread it.”

Cameron stared at her, affronted, jaw dropped and Evelyn laughed on the inside, knowing that he wouldn’t have been disgusted even if she described what kissing Liam felt like. It felt like a drag, a bore, bland, just lips against lips, completely a waste of time. Of course, Cameron’s was worse, but no need to break the poor guy’s heart. 

Evelyn did have a description for the kiss. Much to her chagrin, when Steph had asked her about it, Evelyn had frozen up and muttered everything she’d thought of when she’d kissed that cheerleader under the bleachers.

Embarrassing stuff.

She chugged her milkshake and got up. “Asshole,” Cameron said. “How Liam’s dating someone like you, I’ll never know.”

Someone like you. Evelyn had heard that before. So many times it was getting exhausting. 

When she was ten, it was someone with a disturbed brain and gory thoughts, someone with too much curiosity and too little understanding of what things people shouldn’t say out loud. When she was thirteen it meant someone who got into fights on a much too regular basis but never got caught, someone who drove her bicycle straight into another bicycle at the perfect angle to not get injured. When she was fifteen it meant someone with a fucked up brain, someone who was a dirty little secret and someone who didn’t have the confidence to break up with someone pretending to be straight.

Now, it meant someone who had a motorbike she was completely willing to drive into a garage after the person tried to bully Liam. It meant someone who used rumors to destroy that person’s relationship. Now, it was a badge of honor. 

Evelyn wasn’t sure how Cameron meant it.

“Really Cameron? What would your big sister think of such mean words?” Evelyn asked, though she knew exactly what Clara Williams would think.

Cameron had two siblings, one was Clara and the other was Sadie. Sadie was the one he was rumored to have kissed when people were trying to run a shade campaign against Cameron and Sadie for some reason, even though Evelyn knew it was the biggest lie ever.

The rumor had never touched Clara Williams, president of the student council, varsity swimmer, head of one too many clubs, shoe-in for an Ivy. She was much too nice for anyone, and she had never dated anyone. Evelyn was pretty sure half of the school had confessed secrets to that pretty face, not that Evelyn could blame them. 

Clara Williams, with her olive skin, long strawberry blonde hair and with a fashion sense that just erred on the line of not getting dress-coded, shone. She wore bizarre clothes that somehow went together, she had perfected the no-makeup makeup look, had the deepest, clearest blue eyes Evelyn had ever seen in a person, and when Liam had shown Evelyn a picture of Clara, she could only think about painting those eyes, sitting on a seat for hours to just draw something that sparkled so vibrantly.

Evelyn knew from the past three years that Clara Williams was one of the most lenient student presidents and also very protective over her siblings. It was really fun to watch her punch someone’s face after school in the dimly lit alley next to Evelyn’s house. She hadn’t been caught, but Evelyn had a habit of gazing like a lost soul from the window when she should be studying.

“What Clarry doesn’t know won’t hurt you. Besides, she’s going to come to interrogate you over Liam later anyway,” Cameron said. “Probably next time you go to Liam’s house.” 

Funny thing about the cousins. Their parents did not like Liam’s parents and after a very messy fight had gone to another house at the end of the street that they also owned. (Rich people, wow.) The cousins came over and stayed at Liam’s house a lot though because their parents traveled all over a lot of the time but they hadn’t been there most of the time Evelyn had gone to Liam’s house. Cameron had been there sometimes, Sadie and Clara had never been there.

It would be easy enough for Clara to corner Evelyn there and give her the shovel talk or whatever Clara Williams wanted. Evelyn just needed to be her usual, closeted, moter-bike loving, confident and sarcastic self and she’d be fine.

“Good luck,” Cameron said with a laugh. “Sure hope she finds out you kissed me once. That’ll make my day. But, thinking of it. You didn’t tell me how you two got together.”

“I’m sure you have theories though.”

“The party,” Cameron said, and Evelyn bit her lip to hide her smile when she saw how he really thought he was putting pieces together. “I think Liam saw us kissing, got pissed and stewed in self-pity until he finally said no to dating other people. He vanished for a whole day, and I think he said that he liked you that time.”

Okay, well that was interesting. Evelyn had no idea where Liam had gone that whole day, though Liam had told her he was going to be hanging out with some guys in the evening. Not what he was doing the whole day. He wasn’t with a girl, because or else he likely wouldn’t have needed a fake girlfriend in the first place, the other guys he hung out were doing something Evelyn didn’t care to remember, and he wasn’t with her. She wondered who he was. Especially since Liam hated being alone.

A whole day would be too much for the poor guy. She was, however, going to go with the story she created for Steph. “He didn’t see us. But the day after the party, he helped me get over the really bad hangover, and he- well he kissed me. I didn’t know what to do,” Evelyn ducks her head and slaps her forehead with her head. “Man, he ran. I chased, but he’s fast when he wants to be. Then in recess, we talked about it.”

Recess was Evelyn and Liam time. They didn’t share too many classes, but fooled around in recess, discussed if they had time to hang out and shit, or just helped each other with really serious tests coming up. According to Liam, Evelyn was a math nerd, and given that she had gone to AMC 10 last year and it had gone pretty well, she knew he had a point. And her obsession with taking all AP’s she could for math. So she helped him in math and he made sure she didn’t fail stuff like English of all subjects. 

Everyone, at least most people in their grade knew it after Evelyn almost bit one dude’s head off for approaching them. Maybe she was a bit volatile and aggressive, but Liam had reminded her to apologize and she had, so Evelyn figured the guy had no reason to hate her anymore.

But no one approached them after that.

“Recess?” Cameron asked. “Commonly labeled by Liam as him and Eve time?” His eyes brightened with a dawning realization. “Do not tell me what you do then,” He muttered. “I do not want to know.”

Well, for what he knew he was connecting the dots quickly, but what he knew was wrong, so r.i.p Cameron. Evelyn thought she could suggest to Liam they sneak around to pretend they were actually kissing, without actually doing so. It would satisfy anyone with any doubts about them. 

Wow, she was actually smart for one time in her goddamn life, Evelyn thought to herself. Might have to tell Liam that. Although Liam would probably end up telling her not to say that, so no. 

“I thought you wanted to know all about Liam and me,” Evelyn pointed out, making a steady decision not to call herself stupid. Wasn’t the time for that right now. She had a milkshake in front of her, and she didn’t let herself have a bad mood in front of a milkshake. Which was the reason she was having it right after an entire class of sitting with that cheerleader.

“I just wanted to-”

“Give me a shovel talk, but I have a feeling you derailed,” Evelyn pointed out.

Cameron laughed. “I wasn’t going to give you a shovel talk. You literally wrecked Carter’s garage with your motorbike, so I figured you wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. I do know though, if you try anything, Clara will ruin your last two years in this damn school and you can kiss your college dreams goodbye.”

“Thirteen years of friendship with Liam and this is what I get?” Evelyn’s lips twitched. She knew it was lenient, from what Liam had told her about Cameron threatening Sadie’s boyfriend. It was something along the lines of cutting off something you don’t want to lose and destroying the dude’s car or something. Evelyn wasn’t sure. 

“I was already too nice, Eve,” Cameron teased, using the nickname only Liam used for her.

Ass.

Evelyn patted him on the head as she finished her milkshake and got up from her seat in the cafeteria. “I’m so grateful for that Cammy,” Evelyn nodded meekly and laughed not even two seconds later at Cameron’s annoyed face.

“What, do you only let your boyfriend call you that?” Cameron asked and raised his eyebrows.

Boyfriend.

Jamie shook her head and swiped the towel over her face before slamming the bathroom door closed with a dull thunk. She put on her shoes as she sat on her bunk in the dark cramped dorm room. The slight chill permeating through the open window made Jamie reach for her light jacket thrown haphazardly over the pillow.

Maybe she should leave it there. Go out in a normal top not good in a chilly weather. Let the cold wash away any nostalgic thoughts that distance had only made worse. Jamie didn't pick up her jacket. She snatched her phone and keys off the bed and left the dorm room with some sort of masochistic feeling in her heart. Though wanting to wash away the thoughts was probably better. Maybe less masochistic than she thought.

As she left the dorm room, she could feel the chill creeping in, but not enough to be a bother. It'd be worse downstairs, especially in the emptier area that Jamie liked— or preferred— walking at. A strong hand grasped her elbow right as she reached the stairwell.

Jamie spun around in panic. Her heart thumped loudly at the cold grip. Who—

"Jay," a guy whispered. Connor. "Hi. You going down?"

"Yeah genius," Jamie muttered. "Did you seriously just get back from the party?"

"Yeah, you and Lisa left early. Did you even bother drinking at the party everyone goes to for drinks?"

"No," Jamie shot back. "But I should have, would've been passed out long enough not to see your face. And you didn't drink either?"

"Designated driver but dorm room version." Connor pouted and slipped a note under the dorm room door. "Allison's roommate does not like me. Didn't even let me send a note," he explained when Jamie looked on in confusion.

They both walked down the stairs together. Jamie took him as a welcome distraction. Maybe now she wouldn't have to think at all. Connor tended to talk a lot, and Allison's roommate was always a very blabbermouth topic for him. Jamie tended to avoid it. No need to hear him talking about the tragic part of their epic love story. Screw that.

"Though I don't blame her. Allison showed me so many signs." Jamie nodded in agreement. She could barely imagine how much more obvious Allison could have been. "And I kept throwing them back at her because I was so stupidly insecure."

Connor's openness forever remained a surprise. Jamie was almost proud. She wasn't sure how many times she'd actually seen someone be that open about what they felt. Certainly not Jamie. Nor her.

"Then I was just walking back to the dorms and she came running up to me," Connor said and looked up with a drunk-in-love kind of face, eyes wide and mouth stretched into a disbelieving grin. "And I just knew if I didn't believe it this time, if I didn't trust her with this, then what we could have would be a what if. And I'm so goddamn sick of what ifs, that I decided I couldn't have another."

What ifs. Jamie pressed her lips together and her eyes blinked rapidly, keeping away the wetness building behind her eyelids. Connor started talking about Allison's freckles randomly, in extreme detail, like he always did when he was given a topic to talk about with no boundary. Jamie's mind wandered.

It walked straight into the past, to two girls. Jamie and Nova.

Nova had been a starburst. Tightly coiled hair that bounced along with her as she jumped everywhere, long eyelashes framing her eyes that always grinned with a beautiful spark in them. She radiated a warmth that Jamie hadn't been able to draw herself away from for a decade. A decade of friendship, of following each other everywhere, of going on camping trips with zero idea on what to do, of beach trips with sandcastles and strong waves to surf on.

And the summer before college. A soft hand gently tracing Jamie's lips as Jamie's hands clung onto Nova's waist. Kissing each other deeply into each other's beds. Worshipping each other's bodies reverently, sitting on grass and basking in the sun whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, walking around hand in hand as if the people's judgment meant nothing to them. Going to friends' houses and getting drunk on the cheapest vodka they could find, experimenting with weird drink combinations and then stealing Nova's parents' cigarettes before going to the rooftop in the middle of the night.

Then Jamie moved away and Nova hung on desperately to a town that had nothing for her. A town Nova refused to hate but would always refuse everything Nova was.

And Jamie went and tried not to think about the summer and what could it have been if it had lasted for longer. She made friends, kissed both girls and boys and tried to pretend she couldn't taste Nova's ghost on their lips.

Connor made his what if sound so easy. Like if he made up his mind, he would jump in the deep end over and over for Allison. His lovesick gaze made Jamie want to wretch.

She could barely look at him, but he managed to catch her gaze in the split second that she did. His eyes dissected her, flayed her heart open. He didn't say anything, but the downturn of his mouth, the way they stopped walking suddenly made Jamie's body shiver, quake right to her toes. Her body felt like it was filled of static.

Connor looked at her like he knew that her what if had long left her with just a haunting memory. "What ifs are notoriously hard," Jamie said shakily, barely looking at him. She tried to catch herself, but the way Connor had looked at her made it hard. She wasn't used to being looked at like that.

"I'd still not give up on them," Connor said. "I'm going to sleep now, Jamie. Try to stay awake for your annoyingly long car ride, yeah?"

Jamie nodded stiffly. The sun was peaking through from behind the clouds now, and it seemed to be shining right towards Jamie like it was rubbing something in her face. Jamie was so tired of losing. She tried to drag her booted feet into the shade, but the sun had locked her in place, like it was putting her on a stage and shining the spotlight right at her until she did something.

The chill seeped through her clothes and the sun dispelled it away as it rose gently higher up the sky. Jamie's eyes hurt. Static buzzed in her stomach and a lump was stick in her throat. Jamie reached into her pocket and took out her phone. She could barely enter the password as her fingers trembled too much to type in the numbers.

She reached the contact she had pinned years ago. Jamie called the number before she could rethink.

The call picked up before two rings.

Books— containing stories that terrified those in power, made them so paranoid at the thought of individual thought that they burnt every copy to ever exist, except those the previous generation had dutifully hidden before they had been burnt in the fire that burnt with the heart of stories. The librarian had been young then, and had hidden away with the books, spying from a crack in the wall they had been sitting then, curious, not registering what was happening. Not knowing that nothing would ever be the same.

Then, the librarian had wasted years, decades, watching as the town shriveled. They had kept silent, mouth clasped together in fear. The only thing they had left were the books, and if they were gone too, stolen away, then the last part of history left would fade away and die with the librarian.

Years the librarian had been silenced, when they had not even taken the name yet, had never told a tale or changed a single soul with words. Yet all it took was one visit to the centre of town, where a small crowd gathered, old, torn clothes sitting on stick-thin frames and eyes with a gullible sort of hope. "Food," they begged, throats parched with a lack of water. "Please," they chanted in unision to the Man who sat above them, sipping wine and robed in luxurious taste.

The librarian had been forced to watch, unable to turn away as the people muttered between themselves that they had failed and must work better for the head of the town and maybe then they would get food. At the exact same moment, the Man threw a plate of food to the ground in dismissal and annoyance.

At it's taste. Like the mere opportunity of food wasn't a priveledge afforded to none.

Hunger had been a constant. The librarian remembered weeks sitting in that corner with the only surviving books, hidden behind a hole and with barely enough food to survive. The same desperation the librarian had felt appeared on the common people's faces and a child— barely ten and already starving lunged and tried to reach the juices of the fruits and the thin strips of meat fallen on the ground. The child's mother grabbed one arm and the father the other.

The mother bowed down, keeping the childs hands wrapped around herself and seemed to pray, voice cracking in places. "Sir, my son apologises. I don't know what's gotten in the boy, I'll remind him we have to earn it. Please don't punish him, take me instead. His heart is a soft one, our family will ensure that this will—"

An ugly scream from the child broke her off. The librarian could only stop and stare as she craddled his face into her chest and hushed him, gently rubbing the back of his head. The father fell on his knees as well, head thrown onto the ground. The Man waved them away, anger on his face.

"Perhaps the shipment of wheat can wait a few days," the Man said and then it was clear the conversation had finished.

The librarian did not remember much. But they had read books, of starvation and cruelty, of revolts and a system that seemed unshakeable, that controlled everything with a callous hand. Twenty-five years the librarian had told themself that the stories they had would keep them safe, carrying knowledge that no one had access to. That it would keep the librarian going, when no one else no longer could.

But seeing the people's faces then, hope and understanding for an evil man, the librarian remembered their mother opening a book and craddling them in her lap and the smile on her face as she shared. The thoughts that had ran through the librarian's head in those few weeks all the books had been burnt.

If the librarian had died, the knowledge would die with them. And there would be nothing more, the people would live under this man who would sooner laugh in the face of their misery and dance in their ashes than provide them food on the floor.

At night, the very same day, the librarian headed to the house closest. It was packed with twelve people sorrounding a small fire that looked two seconds away from flickering, but continued burning anyway, and the librarian knelt and sat on the floor with them, old knees digging into the hard ground.

The twelve who lived in the house welcomed the librarian in. "What is your name?" A man asked in curiosity, younger than the librarian who knew they were one of the oldest in the town.

The librarian remembered their mother fondly. The rows and rows of books, the people who came in often and left with either one book or twenty, happiness alight on their faces. "Librarian," they replied.

All twelve of them looked confused but nodded anyway and greeted the librarian.

"I wish to tell you a story," the librarian said.

The man who had asked the librarian their name looked away from the fire, eyes suddenly sharper. Maybe he had been one of the young ones who had lived. The librarian had to hide because of who their mother was, because of their knowledge of stories, but others had lived. This man was one of them. And the librarian knew they had made the correct choice. The sudden sharpness in the room seemed to breath wariness into the eyes of the oldest man and woman, but it was better than the naive hope the librarian had seen that day. "What's a story," a child asked, her eyes open in interest. She leant closer towards the librarian, eager to hear more.

The librarian hoped that light would not burn out of her too soon. There were stories the librarian needed to tell. Stories she needed to hear. "Let me tell you, child."

"Once upon a time," the librarian began. One of the earliest tales their mom had told them. The language seemed to be for children now, when the librarian was older, but the story would make these people think. And it was what the people needed. "A cruel man sat in his gold throne, his armies fighting the people, who had no food. The people could not fight back, until a boy went into the forest and met a man with wise tales who told him of the sword that would defeat the king. The boy found the sword, but found the castle unapproachable. So the village…"

The librarian continued, unable to stop as the children's faces lit up as their imagination reared up when they gave vivid images. The older ones looked confused, like they had never heard something like this before.

Right at the end, the librarian said, "the boy had fallen, but the King was defeated. His armies, though, still starved to hear of someone telling the boy's tale to punish them. So the tale was whispered in secret, through ears next to a fire. The story of the boy and the king would never be lost, always in the village's heart."

It would not do well to spread that someone knew of stories. The librarian had to spread the message more till it was impossible to beat the knowledge out of everyone. Maybe they had done it once before, but it had survived then too.

Knowledge would always find a way to survive. And the librarian would make sure it wasn't just through one person who's life was hanging on the same frayed thread as everyone elses.

All it took was seven days. Seven different homes each overcrowded with too many people and too little food that they still shared with the librarian from kindness that had not been burnt from their hearts. The children heard the stories and whispered it to their friends. The town whispered of the librarian who guards didn't understand the meaning of, and the word stayed far away from the Man's ears.

The town seemed to spark, each home waiting for another story from the librarian. A hateful look was sent towards the rich luxurious throne sitting far away from the thatched and empty houses shoved together. The people longed for something they barely knew they were allowed to long for, something they barely knew existed.