SHUT UP & HIT THAT

It’s almost my birthday and I am once again supremely depressed and considering if it is worth continuing on for another year. I haven’t been on here for ages but it’s still the only place I can dump thoughts knowing nobody [irl] will see them but also with the sad, stupid hope that maybe someone will and might reach out. Every time I get like this I spend so much time convincing myself this isn’t how I really feel, this isn’t really me! But as time goes on the decent parts, the times where I say THIS is how it’s supposed to be, “this is who I really am,” get farther and farther apart. And the things I do have that make it feel decent are so fragile and unreliable that I feel like I’m in a platformer where I’m on crumbling columns over a pit of lava trying to make it to the next platform before it all falls out from beneath me. Eventually I’m gunna get to a colum that’s out of reach no matter how hard I try to jump across or reach for the things that make life feel okay. It’s only a matter of time before they are either too out of reach or just gone completely.

I’m standing on the edge looking down. Feeling my stomach churn while judging the distance to the bottom - to you. I doubt I'll survive and I'm not so sure it’s worth it anymore. If I take a step back the feeling will go away, but then I will have lost you and I fear an even worse feeling will begin to settle in.