surviving?

today’s saturday.

yesterday my boss sent me a voice message, talking about what i already know.. i am not giving my best.

i know i am not being my best self, but how can i give my all to a company i hate? to a homophobic, sexist, racist university. i try to be creative and religious enough but i just can’t.

my boss says she wants to see me doing things with passion, like i mean it. but i don’t.

i have to quit, or she’ll eventually let me go.

anyways i will have to let my parents down, they’ll be disappointed.

last week i spent at my friends’ house, it was amazing. i love the city. i feel free, i feel like myself.

i can be myself when i am away from home.

when i think about what i really want, first thing is to find out what i wanna do with my life. i want a job i like, a job i enjoy. i wanna work with art at a company i believe.

i need this job to pay me enough so i can leave my parent’s house. i can’t say this is home. i don’t feel at home when i am here. i can’t be myself when i am here.

so… i am just writting this all here so one day, hopefully, i’ll look at this post and smile cuz i’ll have a job i love, i’ll get enough money to pay my bills. i’ll have my own apartment, i’ll buy the things i like, i’ll travel.

and hopefully i’ll have someone special?

loads of work to do, zero motivation.

my boss decided to talk to me about it, about how o am not giving my best and how i need to be better or she’ll have to let me go.. at this point i guess i’d be better with no job. i can’t do things properly.

sometimes i wish i had the courage to quit it, but i know how my family would be disappointed and i am already a disappointment myself.

i am at my lowest point again.

i don’t know how it happened, it just did.

i don’t feel like getting out of bed to do anything, some days i go days without showering. today i didn’t brush my teeth. can’t get out of bed.

i keep thinking to myself.. why me? why do i have to go through this? i am not strong enough. i am weak.

don’t even know how i am still here.