The Edge of Vanilla

You're asking two different things. You meet Dommes online, or at munches, or at fetish events. Some will be into locking you up others not so much.

But most women would probably be interested in indulging your kinks to some degree if your relationship has been open and honest right from the start.

This means that when you meet and start dating, you really need to be honest about your desires for such things right from the start. Maybe not on the first date, but within the first month.

Glad people are still enjoying them. I like to joke that I have like, twelve captions and I just put them on different images, and nobody seems to care. 🔏

I guess what I’m saying is, I admire both of your consistency and practical approach while keeping it real. That’s the situation I’m striving for. Good day.

Hahaha, OMG, there's no way I would wear one of those! 😂😂 I'm sorry, but I like my orgasms and I'm blessed with the ability to have a few of them. And I'm blessed with a husband who is happy to give them to me! He enjoys... maybe even thrives on being denied. Not me. I don't blame your wife for not wanting to wear one. 😂

🔏 Tom here. I can imagine a few situations in which that might be fun, but my wife doesn't even like it when I edge her. When that train is on the track, there's no stopping it without consequences. 😉

We looked into piercings a long time ago. He had a frenum (?) done but it just didn't work out with the cage. Neither of us want him to get one of those PA piercings. And after all these years it's really not that important.

First of all, pegging is a really horrible sounding term. I don't even like using it, it just sounds gross.

No, I don't do that. My husband wears the strapon (another term I'm not crazy about) over his cage for me. In our relationship, I get to lay back and get all the pleasure. Wearing one for him and doing all the work is not what I want.

Now about his cage... It doesn't matter what he intends to do, it matters what I want. And what I intend is for my husband to remain caged for the rest of our marriage.

Obviously, if there are medical reasons for him to remove it then naturally he won't be locked.

And since we both desire to be cremated, he won't be wearing anything after his death.

I really don't think about this nor do I think about what he will do if he outlives me. Maybe he will choose to continue wearing it in my memory, but I don't give this any thought.

Is that discomfort part of the "experience" and you wait for it to pass, or is it to be avoided / dangerous?

And how does that change over the years?

🔏 I have a pretty healthy libido, and my wife was very attractive, so my testicles were aching constantly!

Eventually my body adapted, but even now after we'll over 25 years of being caged, my wife still manages to give me that familiar dull ache in my groin. Usually it was first thing in the morning on my way to work because I almost always wake up horny and spooning her butt. 😅

The ache is caused by vasocongestion - the blood collecting in your groin because the hormones driving your erection cause all those blood vessels to tighten up. You're sore because you have a lot of fluid in there.

Now that I'm older, and have literally been locked "permanently" for over eight years, the ache still happens but usually just in the morning or after sex (during which I'm usually not allowed orgasm, of course).

Thanks for noticing 😅. I have been writing about this for an really long time, and I'm still pleasantly surprised when someone writes that they remember me from some blog or forum years ago.

My wife and I both admit that our relationship became a bit more extreme than we anticipated, and wouldn't necessarily advocate this to everyone. But we're certainly happy that others have discovered that they can revitalize their relationship through denial, and that this doesn't have to lead to or intersect with other kinks if they don't want to.

First, I am not interested in holding any other keys. It's not cheating but it's definitely an intimate relationship, and that's just nothing I have any interest in doing.

But... I mean, since you asked, if you want "permanent chastity", then why do you need a key holder? Put them in a safe or toss them out. Throw them off a bridge. Why would you need them to be held by a stranger?

Thank you. This time of year is always busy for us, so I haven't been checking in much. Of course the nice thing for me is that because my husband knows that he will never be unlocked, he waits patiently until things settle down again.

In other words, if Tom was equally denied and everything was the exact same as it is now, except that there would be no cage keeping him from pleasure, how would he feel differently? Would he be equally excited/aroused?

The reason behind my curiosity is that I'm trying denial with my girlfriend, but without a cage. And I'm curious to understand to what extent what I'm experiencing is the same I'd experience if she had locked me up.

Oh what a great question! Obviously men do not need to be caged to be denied. There are a lot of women (so I am learning!) who deny their husbands either intercourse or orgasms who don't have them locked up.

We have had several periods like this but I discovered that for me it's just not the same. Once we went for like a year or so where I denied him orgasm. We still had sex but after a while it became way too hard for him to hold back and it just wasn't enjoyable for me to have him stop and start every minute.

But more than that for me the entire... appeal about having him locked up is that it gives me the control. When he's not locked then I'm depending on his honesty and willpower. And while that's okay... it's just not the same. Locking him in the cage is the difference between "He won't" and "he can't," if you understand what I'm trying to say.

🔏 Tom here. My wife is recalling a period when she actively denied me; that is, told me that I would not be allowed to come, for what ended up fifteen long, hard months. It was hot, but it was definitely a different experience than being caged.

Probably the biggest physical difference is that the cage restrains my erections, and until you're locked, you probably don't have any idea how many times a day you get partially aroused. So, the feeling of the cage surrounding me gives me a lot of low level stimulation.

But also, when we have sex I'm intensely aroused. Uncaged, I have an erection, but caged, that erection is restrained, and I'm intensely aware that I can not get fully hard. It's maddening and only adds to my excitement.

There is a decent size "No penetration" community that encompasses all ranges from active denial to sex up to but excluding PIV. Cages aren't for everybody, so give it a try, then drop by and let us know how it worked out.

He showed me some of the dominatrix porn he liked and told me that sometimes he imagined that instead of my not having any libido that I was intentionally denying him sex. It took me a while to wrap my head around this but that led to him buying a few different chastity cages to try them out. We had some good luck with him being able to wear one of them and I took the keys. Even though I still wasn't really in the mood for sex I played along holding his keys and making him "earn" an unlocking. At first I just gave him the keys and let him go do his thing. When he was done, he cleaned up, then locked himself and handed me the keys.

After a while he asked if I would "take care of him" for a change. I was beginning to feel a little more comfortable with the idea so I did. He was so happy and so grateful! After a few more times I began to make it a weekly ritual. I still was not in the mood for any sex but I did enjoy giving my husband pleasure and it helped smooth over some of the rough patches we had. I began to look forward to our unlocked time together and I actually found myself getting mad at him if he failed to earn his weekly unlocking. I felt like he was failing me!

After a couple of years of this at some point I started feeling like I might be ready to have him pleasure me for a change. I told him that he could only be unlocked if he would go down on me and make me come. You could have knocked him over with a feather, but he jumped at the chance and actually made me come twice! That began my journey back to enjoying sex again, even though it looks different than it used to.

I still keep him locked and make him "earn" his weekly release, and once in a while I like to tease him by saying that it wasn't good enough and that he will have to try again next week. We still don't have PIV, and probably never will because things just don't feel right down there. But we learned to use chastity and orgasm denial to make the most of what we have. I'm happy to have found your blog to see how you and other women have dealt with similar circumstances. Thanks for being a good influence!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been enjoying hearing from other women who have come around to denial and locking their men and who are using it to enhance their mareiages. It has been a surprise to me how many women have discovered this after they're older and especially after menopause.

I hope that your husband appreciates how you took to this and that this is your way of trying to allow him his fantasy while still working at maintaining your connection.

My husband tells me that a lot of men have a hard time coping with the... the lack of penetration or PIV sex. They haven't gone through the hot flashes, hormonal changes, mood swings and all that so they don't get why we just don't feel like spending all afternoon in bed now that the children are out of the house.

I like the way that you handled this by turning the unlocking into a weekly thing, but that you also maintained control by making him accountable so that his releases were never guaranteed.

Finally, I'm so happy to hear that your libido is coming back. A good sex life doesn't need to look the same for everybody, and if you and your husband are happy and connected then that's all that matters. Blessings for the both of you.

My husband and I are in our early 50s. We have a good marriage and our sex life was fun. We tried all those bondage and dressing up things, and my husband bought a few different cock cages. And that's how the weird "be careful what you wish for" things started lol.

Last year he wanted to do Loctober. But I was never a fan of keeping him locked up for more than a few days. Even though coming from PIV was hit or miss for me, I did like to feel connected to him. But worse, he bought this huge Vixskin Cash and told me that going for a month would be fine because he would just wear that. I was so angry! First he spent like $150 without even talking to me about it. Second, the toy he bought is huge - like a monster! I was so upset that I barely talked to him for a week.

I left him locked but by the end of the week I cooled off enough and curiousity got the better of me. I asked him to put on the Vixskin so we could try it out. It didn't hurt but it was a bit uncomfortable, probably because I had never been stretched like that in my life. I used a lot of lube and made him go very slowly. I didn't orgasm then but it made me excited enough to want to try it again a few days later... and I had a deep and satisfying orgasm. So that weekend I made him wear it a few more times and each time seemed better than the last.

I was still mad at my husband for buying this expensive toy and just assuming that I would just do Loctober for him, but I was also enjoying myself. Not only did he spend the rest of the month locked I made him go almost all of November just to teach him a lesson.

And here's where things took a "be careful what you wish for" turn. A few days after Thanksgiving, we were using my new boyfriend (as I had taken to call it lol), I unlocked him and told him his sentence was over and that he could have a turn. It was a disappointing experience because I couldn't even feel him inside me. Worse, he was so sensitive that he finished in less than two minutes! We talked about how two months was probably too long but I asked him to lock back up again and that we would try again in a few days.

A few days later I unlocked him and we made love and while I could feel him, I didn't get excited enough to orgasm. He finished feeling a little disappointed. I teasingly suggested that he put on his harness and use my new boyfriend, which he did and gave me an orgasm. We cuddled for a bit and I told him to put his cage back on. I could sense that he was disappointed but he just kept quiet.

Since then, we have made love about two or sometimes three times a week. I have him wear my new Vixskin boyfriend, since that seems to be the only way I can regularly orgasm now. Once a week, I allow him to unlock and to have me after I'm finished. He comes quickly, and I make him lock back up right away. I learned that from reading your blog!

So now it has been a couple of months like this and my husband is starting to freak out that I am enjoying the new Vixskin boyfriend "too much" and that he no longer gives me pleasure. He has asked if I would consider not using the boyfriend for a while, but I told him that now that I'm used to it, it is really working out better for me, and besides, it was his idea in the first place. I have also told him that the few times I allowed him to finish in me before wearing the boyfriend that he doesn't seem as excited, so that's why I make sure that he takes care of me first.

I want to assure you that we have an otherwise strong marriage. I am enjoying the power and control that I have over him now, which I hadn't expected. Also, while I thought that I would miss feeling "him" inside me, I'm finding that I'm oddly okay with the "boyfriend" experience and that allowing him an orgasm is enough to make me feel connected. And this past weekend I did not allow him inside me, but finished him with my hands instead. And now I'm freaking out myself that I might be okay with NP 😂😂😂

Obviously we are going to have to work some things out, but as I told you privately, this started out like I felt like I needed to teach him a lesson, and now we appear to be headed to a NP (no penetration) relationship.

Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. Maybe some of your readers will have some insights.

💜 Tina

Hi Tina! Thank you for sharing your story with me. It amazes me that just a few years ago I never even heard about marriages like mine, and now I'm hearing from all these women who are enjoying some aspect of this... locked or denied or "no penetration." While I never considered what my husband and I do to be "No penetration," I guess we really are... or at least I guess he is! 😅

You messaged me privately about this, but I'm just going to mention that I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. First, it's normal to feel a little guilty at first about denying your husband, and especially in such an extreme way. We all have this expectation that there should be sex in our marriage, but I think that most women grow up thinking that sex just means penis, vagina, and intercourse. It sounds like you and your husband are having a lot of sex - just not the PIV kind... or at least not his P... and that you have a close relationship. In my opinion that already puts you ahead of most couples. A lot of the women that I have chatted with on here become more comfortable with this the longer it goes on.

And I think it's also normal to have mixed feelings about enjoying his "replacement"... especially if it's much larger than he is. You told me that it really caught you by surprise at how much you enjoyed it, and that you feel badly because you think your husband feels that he can't measure up to that. You are right of course... I looked it up and the Cash is huge! Of course he can't measure up to that. But when you think about it, it's kind of like not being able to measure up to a vibrator... our husbands are not machines. You wouldn't feel guilty that he couldn't vibrate like a magic wand.

But I think it's also important for the both of you to remember that it's him using it. That's what keeps me grounded in our relationship... my husband is wearing the Ranger for me, it's his body, his touch, his smell, his moaning. And I know in my heart that what he really, really wants is to give me the most pleasure possible... so even though he knows that the Ranger is bigger, he just mentally deals with it because he knows that it's what I want. I do not want my husband to feel demeaned or humiliated, I want him to feel strong and capable and appreciated that he is making that kind of sacrifice for me.

I think that your husband maybe didn't quite imagine the effect that your new "boyfriend" would have (men usually don't think with their big brains about this kind of stuff), and is suddenly being faced with what the future of your... or at least his... sex life would look like in the future and it's freaking him out. It's okay, though... this is new for both of you. And you don't have to make a decision right now to make this a "no penetration" marriage. In fact, you're in charge so you can change your mind whenever you want. Obviously you will need to talk things over with him, but from what you've told me he sounds like he wants to be a good husband for you and would go along with what you want.

Thank you again for writing it all out, and I wish you the best of luck with this. Please let me know how you are doing.

First, understand that I have been wearing a cage for most of the past 25 years, so I have gotten used to being caged in the same sense that one doesn't notice wearing a watch or ring, or even shoes or underwear. So yes, I often "forget" that I'm caged, simply because it no longer feels unnatural.

Now, the real question: does being unaware of the cage make me less focused on @mrs--edge? I would say not. Don't forget - I live with her, so whenever I kiss her neck, or snuggle up close, I will get a momentary twitch which reminds me that I'm caged, and which, in turn, reminds me that she is my goddess and my focus in life. 😍

And really, it's perfectly okay to not think about your partner 24/7. I don't think about her when I'm shoveling snow, wiring a light switch, cutting tile, or using power tools. It's okay, she wants me to focus on keeping myself safe and healthy. I have plenty of time to focus my attentions on her after work when we are home together.

And of course, when we have intimate time, the cage is very tight, which reminds me to direct all of my attention to her and her alone. That's where it's most important.

I honestly do not bother with all the labels and terms and things that people... mainly men of course... try to put on our relationship. My husband and I have a pretty tradition or normal marriage. He takes care of the man things like repairs, the cars, the lawn, building things, repairing things, and any heavy work. Naturally he helps me when I ask.

I do laundry, shopping, and cooking. Yes he can do those things but I've been retired for 10 years, and he is only just getting there.

Any decisions about spending a lot of money are something we talk about. I take care of paying the bills and he takes care of bringing in the money.

Obviously in the bedroom things are different... as I like to say, he is locked for my pleasure, not for his own. He stays focused on me (mostly lol), and when I'm finished then he snuggles with me for a while.

I guess we describe ourselves as Queen and Knight because we aren't really a bdsm couple, and there really isn't much else that portrays how we are together. A queen only has as much power as she has support from her loyal and devoted knight. You can call it whatever you want... my husband is loving, devoted, and supportive. I just don't bother trying to define it for anyone.

Since we last chatted I made the decision to keep my own husband "penetration free." He has been in chastity for maybe eight or nine years and quite frankly, as you probably noticed yourself, the longer you leave them caged the more it messes with their ability to last in bed. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the toys and having him go down on me, but I also enjoy getting fucked, so I took your advice and ordered a Vixskin Ranger like yours. Within a month I decided that my husband would no longer have "pussy privileges."

Unlike some of the other women that have written in to you, I really did not feel guilty about this. I've always been a bit on the dominant side and my husband has always been willing to follow my lead. I explained to him that he gives me a lot more pleasure wearing his replacement cock, and the caged one just is way too out of practice now. I told him that regular sex with him was just not pleasurable enough for me because of how long (or not!) he lasted and my needing to clean up after. And yes, I also told him that the Ranger is bigger which was also a factor in my decision. So like with you and your husband, only the Ranger will have pussy privileges - his own dick will be penetration free.

Yes, I understand that he was upset by this for a while. He felt sexually frustrated (hah! so did I!) but he also felt embarrassed that he could no longer last long enough for me. Worse, he realized that this was his fantasy - well, at least part of it, since he begged me to be more of a dominatrix in the bedroom. But he also saw that wearing the "replacement" gave me a lot of satisfaction and he learned how to use it really well. Eventually he got over not being allowed pussy privileges anymore, and now he feels proud that he can wear me out.

I have not decided - yet - to keep him caged permanently. Right now I am unlocking him monthly and giving him a quick hand job. I read a comment from your husband on another post that said something about wearing latex gloves so that it would be a reminder to him that he no longer gets to feel me. I'm planning to try that to see how that works out. As long as he gets to come he may not even care. You know how men are lol!

The truth is that I could unlock my husband and let him fuck me, but the feeling of being in control of such a basic male thing is a huge power trip for me. I love my husband very much, and I know that he loves me. This is just one aspect of our relationship that just happened to work out in an unconventional way.

To any of the women reading this who feel guilty about denying their husbands, I just want to say that it's important to check in with your husbands, but it's also important to be firm with them. They WANT to please you, they really do! Yes, they miss activity with their dicks, but you can figure out ways around that. Or not - apparently Mrs Edge here never touches her husband at all, and they seem to have an amazing relationship!

Thanks for letting me tell my story here. And as I told you in the DM, I'm posting this anonymously because I'm tired of the pervs sending me messages.

Ms D

Hi Ms Donna, it's nice to hear from you again. I remember some of our chats and trying to explain to you why I didn't feel that the way I denied Tom was too extreme. I guess somehow I got into the mindset that the Vixskin was "him" and so it never felt to me that he was denied penetration... and Tom never really said anything about feeling denied that way, so I've just never really looked at it that way.

I am learning that a lot of men who fantasize about being locked up really have a hard time when their wives or partners take those denial fantasies seriously. Some men manage to live selflessly and to focus on giving their partner pleasure. I'm thankful that my husband is like this and has always been attentive and focused on making me satisfied.

Also I like that you realize that denying your husband privileges could be upsetting to him and are trying to keep your connection to him by unlocking him for regular orgasms. Even if they aren't what he would prefer, the idea that you care enough to touch him that way lets him know that you still care about his pleasure. And I like to think that most of us want to give pleasure to our partners. It's just that pleasure looks different for some of us.

Please let me know how your experiment with the gloves works out for you.