let me go. it's okay

Having abusive parents, you learn to only care about things in secret. Liking things openly becomes unsafe, because your parents notice, and it's the first thing they'll take away from you the second they need to blackmail you. After a while it only feels safe to not care about anything, to not want anything, and to not be attached to anything, because then it can't be used against you, they can't use it against you. You have to be apathetic if you don't want to be openly vulnerable to abuse. Eventually you learn to hide everything from everyone. Even your friends don't find out about it. Every pleasure feels like guilty pleasure, like you'll pay for it later. Your entire life becomes a secret that feels too dangerous to tell anyone.

did i grow up in a toxic environment???