This has been a long time coming but I'm going to take this rare chance that I'm properly medicated today and feeling more or less stable and able to think to finally write this post.
I'm having trouble posting new stuff here for well over a year now.
good stuff like creative things, writing, news about cons, cosplay, pictures, art, game/comic/movie reviews and thoughts, etc
neutral stuff like thoughts, theories, spreading awareness, random chatting, etc
and even negative stuff like vents, posts rationalizing my problems, expressing my emotions, and so on.
It's not because I lost interest in Tumblr, it's not because I moved somewhere else, it's not even because I no longer have the same interests.
It's because I've been in a fucking health pit (both physically and mentally).
I've been in this pit for so long now that I haven't been able to do anything, I barely manage to do the bare minimum to survive, on days where my physical health is less messy I can't even gather the motivation or desire to do my hobbies or things I love, when I DO managed to plan and do something fun, I end up needing weeks and weeks to recover.
I haven't been able to afford my ADHD and anxiety meds consistently so most days I'm moving on autopilot and can't really think or process things.
I have been taking my thyroid medication religiously because it's cheap and essential to my survival but even with a constant hike in dosage, my condition has not been improving, it's been rollercoasting.
I'm always exhausted, my physical health is messy enough that I feel like I'm moving through molasses every day and because it's an invisible disability nobody cares and some people call me dramatic or lazy or faking it despite all my health tests.
As always I'm forced to be a caretaker to my disabled dad and to take care of a household entirely alone, he won't even pick up a candy wrapper and I even have to clean his urinals and all manner of things. But lately I can't keep up with any of those tasks and he takes me for granted so much and yet still bosses me like I'm a little kid and makes me do every degrading thing when he doesn't move a finger but when I just can keep up he throws tantrums and says I don't respect him (when I'm the one not being respected in the least).
I'm lonely, I have a single friend in my city and she rarely has to hang. My extended family here forgets I exist or moved away. My mom is super far and having health issues but won't treat them because she's in denial and focusing on my stepdad who is getting cancer treatments. My family that actually cares is all living too far. My sister, my fav person, is so far and struggling so much in her own life and health. My bf and gf are far too and I don't want to bother them by always being the downer.
Our financial issues got a little better... And then tanked a lot harder with unexpected expenses so we're barely surviving.
Almost got a dream job but the boss took an instant dislike to me and halfway through training told me she wouldn't hire me. Haven't been able to get anything else in this stupid tiny rural town filled with elderly people and no prospects, and I can't look in other towns because I still haven't been able to afford to get my driver's license and there's no fucking reliable public transport here. But even IF I did suddenly get a job I don't know if I could survive it long, unfortunately I'm desperate enough for income that I'm this close to selling my organs.
I feel paralyzed, I feel like life is passing by while I'm watching it slip away, I'm leaving no mark in the world, I sacrificed my childhood and my whole youth, my life, for nothing, for people that just took it for granted.
I just want to be creative again, I just want to feel pleasure and joy and relief again, I just want to be able to do things, to take care of myself, to keep the house acceptable for human living, but I feel like I can't move most days.
I still consume media I love for a shred of dopamine, I'm struggling to write anything but I still read (fanfic included), I still make occasional plans or try to cosplay or go to events because it's the only things still making me feel connected to the people that matter and to my own humanity, but I can't put in more than the bare minimum effort.
Even consistently reblogging stuff on Tumblr feels so hard, I'm still here, still watching all my mutuals, still lurking, but it's so hard to do anything. Same on discord.
I dislike Twitter but somehow I end up stuck there just doom scrolling for uncensored art of my favs but unable and unwilling to interact either. I'm on insta mostly because it's one the few places where people still keep in touch with me on their own accord, but though I have dozens of photos and reels to post from projects I can't even make myself post them.
On top of that, in the last year I was finally officially (properly) diagnosed with autism, ADHD (and alexithymia, etc) and so on. After years of wrong diagnoses. My hypothyroidism is also diagnosed but the details are in limbo, it keeps being unstable and I also have a chronic stomach problem, migraines, and visual snow syndrome. After a recent MRI showing CSF leak crushing my pituitary, there seems to be a hint that several of these health issues might be connected and the result of something autoimmune but the healthcare system is so slow... I should also be having regular therapy but I'm lucky if I get an hour every 3 months. At least my neurologist is the only one taking me seriously.
So yeah, my health is chaotic, but I'm happy to finally have answers. The problem is my mental state and lack of support.
I'm sorry if it felt like I ghosted or left my fics hanging, I desperately want to go back to being active but I don't know when I'll be able too.
TL;DR life has been a shit show, even worse than all the past messy years I've complained about, it just keeps getting worse and worse and I've been in too much of a pit to interact, communicate it be productive. I apologize to anyone I left hanging. And... And I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
