Lose yourself

It’s been 2 months since we’ve spoken, 5 months since I last saw you, and it feels like even longer since we began to drift apart.

You are so special, so intriguing.. and so different to anything I expected. Kind where I thought you would be cruel, insecure where you pretend to be confident, but distant when you constantly say you’ll be there.

I don’t know why I always wanted you to be the one I spill all my secrets to. I wanted nothing more than to just spend days talking together. Getting to know your past.. letting my walls down so somebody could finally get to know mine. It almost came to that you know.. we spoke every single day for over a month.. sometimes just a message a day to check in.. others i’d spend hours on the phone listening to you gossip about your friends. But I liked that.. I’ve always been a listener. I would’ve been content just listening to you talk forever. But that was before I noticed we started to drift.

I hate that. I hate that I could see the drift happening before we even really got started. We were so close for such a short amount of time. Just enough for me to think I’d found someone to put my trust in.. someone I could call at anytime of the day for a chat. And then just like that you started leaving my messages unreturned. Days of not hearing from you turned to weeks at a time. Until I would only hear from you if you had issues you needed help with, or a familiar face to meet up with at a party.

I guess for you frequent contact wasn’t really a priority. But I’m different.. I got used to being there with you every day that suddenly the removal of you felt like losing a part of me. It still does.

I don’t think I’ve made it a single day in 5 months without thinking of you. 5 months. 150 days. That’s a long time to spend thinking about a person. Some days it’s the whisper of a memory.. a reminder of a conversation we once had. Bumping into a mutual friend.

But other days are like a tsunami. I am consumed by memories and thoughts of you. Days like today for instance.. this time last year we would be heading off to weekly dinner after training.. but now you’re completely absent.

The worst part is how conditioned I became to getting a message from you. Every notification I could expect to read your name, feel my heart leap a little.

Now instead of a leap at a notification, it’s a lurch. The uncomfortable pull of ‘maybe it’s you’ and the disappointment of it being anyone but.

You once promised we would never drift apart. Too bad that was one of the last messages you’ve sent me in the last 6 months.