V Is For Kaoru.

I’ve been in grad school for a little over a year now, and I’ve got some things to get off my chest about it. 

For starters, imposter syndrome is so real. I constantly feel like I’m neither smart, nor creative, nor qualified enough to be here. I find myself not speaking up in class, something I’ve never had a problem with since I started school in 1997. But now I constantly second-guess myself because my peers and professors seem to have much a better grasp of all the material than I do. 

Second, being in my graduate programs at my age is frustrating. In my job search, I’m either too qualified for certain internships due to my masters’ degrees or I’m underqualified because I have less than 5 years experience although I’m working on two masters degrees. Should I have waited a few years before even applying? 

Third, I am financially tapped out. I made the decision to bring my dog back from Myanmar and bankrupted myself. Although I do not regret that decision, I hate feeling financially trapped. My credit is ruined because my university routinely returns my reimbursements late, and having a rescue-pup requires a lot of vet bills. But I’m an unpaid intern; my labor isn’t even worth a wage. Yet the expenses are still there: rent, food, medicine, basic necessities, it all adds up. I’ve had to make decisions this semester to stop running because I can’t afford enough food to support that level of calorie intake. Everyone else thinks it’s because I’m too tired or I don’t have time, but it’s not. It’s cause I can’t afford the amount of food that being an athlete requires. Occasionally, I cut down my daily meal intake from three meals to two, so that I’ll be able to afford dog food in the following months, or so I can cook something nice for my boyfriend. I can’t afford my rent, I can’t afford to go to the hospital. I got a flu shot this season, contracted the flu anyway, and can’t even afford to pay for it now. I hate maintaining this façade. 

Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake going to graduate school. Some of my peers who focused on employment after undergrad are in incredible positions already. They get paid, for starters, unlike me. They travel for work. They have better living arrangements. They can afford to see their families regularly. They can afford a car (or motorcycle, in some cases). They are valued in their places of work. They’re fucking independent. Meanwhile, I’m almost 25, and I can barely hold myself together. 

I just want to live a comfortable life. I want to spoil my puppy. I want to repay my parents for all that they’ve done and invested in me to show that I’m not a waste of space. I want to show my boyfriend that I don’t just keep him around because he has a car. I want to surprise my friends with trips and presents. Yet, I can barely stay afloat. I’m so mentally and physically drained from this process. And for what?