YNA °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

you had always been a lover. everyone around you had always told you that would be your biggest blessing and greatest curse. that your love for other people would be so grand, that once it became too smouldering, it would make you succumb to nothing. that after each heartbreak, it would get harder and harder to open your heart to love someone new.

you never listened though. too naive and too good for this world at such a young age to actually listen to what they were saying. you had never really took the time to understand it either. you had always thought if you loved someone, they should love you back. right?

you called the people you took a liking to your admirations. finding the word ‘crush’ too plain for someone you looked up to. someone you found so valuable.

love could be expressed in many ways. and for you, it was through love letters. the words you wrote on paper seemed to flow so easily together. you could get your point across this way. allowing your admirations to know that they were loved by you, if they had felt as if they were unlovable once before.

your first love letter was written in 6th grade. the night before valentine’s day. there was a boy in your class named alex that lived next door to you. he had been so nice to you and had always invited you to play so you were sure he liked you too. you had spent your allowance on supplies to make your love letter look pleasing to the eye. you had even stayed up 45 minutes past your bedtime in preparation for the day to come.

the next day, you had gotten up early and dressed in your best clothes, happily anticipating what alex would say you greeted him outside of your door. “happy valentine’s day alex.” you giddily handed him the note and card you had made for him. waiting for him to confess that he had a crush on you too.

the moment never came. alex rejected your advances. saying another girl in your class asked him to be his valentine already. also adding that he wouldn’t like you in the way you liked him. the pain of his confession visibly showed on your face. your first love letter came with your first heartbreak. a tear rolled down your face as you nodded, continuing with your day, watching everyone interact with everyone else in your classes.

but still, you had gotten over it within the few months. realizing that it was probably just puppy love and you’d find someone that appreciate the love letters you wrote for them. and they would love you how you would them. ever since a child, watching the romance movies of a couple falling in love, that’s all you wanted.

for someone to act as if you meant the universe to them. you wanted all of the cliches as well, waiting for the day you’ll finally be able to call someone you loved yours, and you theirs.

your second letter was written the day before 8th grade ended. you had met a boy in summer camp. luckily, he was going to the same school as you so you wouldn’t have to stop thinking about him. your writing and vocabulary had gotten better the couple years since your last love letter so of course this was more heartfelt.

it was meaningful and you just knew your admiration couldn’t turn this down. you had also got into the habit of enhancing your features, so you had gotten up extra early just to make sure you looked perfect enough. the first day of eighth grade, you had planned to give your love letter to him.

you walked in the school building with your head held high and your heart full of warmth. you stopped in your tracks as you seen the boy you had grown to love, to adore, kissing one your classmates. what made it more hurtful was that she was the first one you told your crush about. you felt betrayed once again.

this world treated you so evil and so cruel. how could such a sweet and loving person like you not find someone that you could give your love to. were you unworthy? in your past life were you so rogue that this was punishment?

you couldn’t even muster up a single tear as you turned on your heels. dropping the letter in the process, not caring whether he read it or not. this heartbreak took a little longer for you to get over. it had taken your whole summer break plus half of the school year to mend your heart back together. you still hadn’t learned your lesson. you seen it like this: someone would love you one day right? so you would just keep trying until you had finally found the one. the one who wouldn’t do you as the people of your past had.

your third heartbreak was your 3rd year in high-school. you had finally gotten into a relationship with a boy from your class. he had treated you so well. you finally felt as if the universe was on your side with them.

within the first month you had seen a white picket fence with him. coming home to each other everyday and just embracing each other with the sweetest kisses in the world. but you didn’t tell him that..no..so you had written it in a letter. by now, your vocabulary had expanded to where your love letters spoke to you like serenades. if you were on the receiving end, they could’ve been the best gift ever given to you.

your relationship was going so well. you’d get daily compliments along with the affection you craved. so when you had realized your boyfriend had been getting distant, you had no choice but to question him. what was going on? are we okay? did you do something wrong?

of course, he denied your questions, brushing it off as he was only tired from a project he and his partner had been busy with. and of course, you believed him. i mean, he had no reason to lie, right?

you had figured that your boyfriend needed some relief and you were going to provide that with some of his favourites, along with your finished letter. you had hoped for this one more than the previous ones. hoping and anticipating that you could finally feel the love you had been giving out of all these years.

you could only imagine your surprise when you seen that your boyfriend was occupied with something else...with someone else. you called out his name, refusing to let the choked sob that rumbled at the back of your throat free. but it was too late, tears already streaming down your cheeks faster than you could stop them.

he hadn’t even bothered to stop the girl on top of him to stop her vigorous movements. the only things that you could hear besides the numerous thoughts that ran through your mind at an alarming rate, were her moans. he stared at you, with such nonchalance that you had never seen before.

you ran out of the door faster than you could still process what was happening. you had slammed your car door as you stared at the scenery before you, your tears blurring your vision greatly. you were filled with confusion, pain, anger, and guilt.

it was at that moment you realized you would never be anyone’s first choice. or second for that matter. that no matter how much you loved someone, no matter how much you wished that someone would finally feel the same way as you did them, it would never be reciprocated. to everyone else, you just didn’t matter.

time seemed to drag by and by the time you realized it you were now in your sophomore year of college. it took you three years and six days to get over your last heartbreak. you slowly started to stop believing in love. if this is what love truly was then you would rather die alone before you ever put yourself through another heartbreak.

as time passed your whole demeanour changed. you were no longer that bubbly, loving person everyone once knew. that everyone missed. you were cold, stoic, and dickish. that’s how you portrayed yourself to be on the outside. never letting anybody in and turning anyone down that tried to give you the slightest of attention.

you didn’t understand it. why were all of these people wanting to like you now. it wasn’t fair. it wasn’t fair to your past self. the person you once knew when you looked in the mirror, had a faint reflection that was slowly fading away whenever they stared back at you.

but when you were alone you felt as if you were just the same person before. which is what led you to the predicament you were in now. you decided to write one last letter. to a boy you had met once before, sakusa kiyoomi. his name rolled off of your tongue so easily and it made you shudder.

he was someone you had grown to know and appreciate when you entered your first year of college. that was still a dark time in your life and he had helped you through it, you two sharing very similar interests had you forming an instant platonic connection.

your mind had fought with your heart, a brutal battle that your mind tried its hardest to win. you tried everything to ensure that he wouldn’t become another one of your admirations but you just couldn’t help it. it had felt so right to meet him so you wrote this letter to finally release your feelings.