Technoblade does NOT tolerate his alcohol all that well. So you, his dear wife, go to pick him up after he's had too much to drink with Phil.
Techno’s friends know the man is never seen indulging in alcohol. He sees what drinks do to lesser men all the time and already knows he’d hate feeling that unbalanced and uncoordinated.
Don’t get it wrong, it’s not like he’s sworn to never drink. He just doesn’t see the appeal and never had the time.
But just this once, Phil successfully convinced Techno he try some.
Phil hasn’t seen his friend in ages without some crisis happening. Now there’s no more wars, no governments to overthrow, no emergencies. No, Techno’s been retired and married for a few years now, he has the free time to hang out with his best friend.
So he says something like, "Sit down, mate! Sit down! Haven't had a proper drink together in years!"
And Techno agrees because… "Yeah. Been a while."
They spend the next couple of hours just talking, a luxury they haven't known in years.
Techno actually relaxes, he laughs a little, tells stories and Phil notices how different he is. He’s gone soft and light now.
Though one mug turned into another.
The problem? Phil drinks like an ancient god who's had centuries to build a tolerance.
Techno absolutely does not. Mostly because he never drinks.
So while Phil is pleasantly buzzed...
Techno has quietly crossed the invisible line from ‘a little tipsy’ to ‘the fireplace is fascinating.’
Phil notices. "...y’alright there, mate?"
"...Mhm." Techno nods once very confidently before he misses the chair when he tries to lean back.
"Right then,” Phil sighs, scratches one of his ravens behind the head, and says, "go fetch her."
Some time later, the raven lands on the cabin windowsill and you open the window.
The bird hops inside, a tiny note in its beak.
Might've accidentally gotten your husband drunk.
When you arrive at Phil’s house the front door is already open. Phil is leaning against the frame with his arms crossed, looking thoroughly amused as he gestures for you to come inside.
Techno is sitting on a chair very upright. His hands folded neatly in his lap and staring intensely at absolutely nothing, though his cheeks and tips of his ears are completely flushed.
After exchanging a few tired laughs and goodbyes with Phil, you gather one of Techno’s enormously thick arms over your shoulders and slowly guide him outside towards Carl to bring him home.
He's far heavier than you are, though he's trying very hard not to lean on you. "...'M fine." He's quiet for a minute. Then suddenly his brows knit together. He looks down at his arm around your shoulders. "...Hrn..."
He gently, but very seriously, tries to peel your hand away. "...Can't."
"Techno, you're definitely going to fall."
He shakes his head with surprising determination. "…I'm good." A beat. "...I have a wife…"
You bite your lip to stop yourself from smiling. "Oh, do you?"
"Mhm." He nods solemnly. "...Pretty lady."
After horseback on Carl, with Techno’s chest slump against your back (he groaned the entire way there) and finally arriving home, he's sitting on the edge of the bed while you untangle one of his boots.
He's watching you with sleepy, unfocused eyes.
"There, almost done.” You set the boot aside. "I have never, in all the years I known you, seen you like this." Then you mutter under your breath, “You’re always so serious.”
You smile. "You're being very cooperative though." You stand once both boots are off.
He looks so adorably dazed that you can't resist, you lean down to give him a quick kiss.
A large wobbly hand gently, but firmly, rests against your shoulder. Keeping a respectful distance between you.
He shakes his head, his expression is almost apologetic. "...Stop..."
He looks genuinely conflicted, like he feels bad. "...You're..." He squints at you. "...Very pretty."
You bite the inside of your cheek.
"...But..." He points at his own chest with complete seriousness. "...I'm married…" He hiccups, “…y’gotta understand… my wife wouldn’t appreciate you gettin’ this close…”
You have to turn your face away for a second because you’re about to burst out laughing. You look back, “So, not me?”
"...Can't." He shakes his head again. "...Wouldn't be very respectful."
You decide to tease him just a little, you know you wont be getting a chance like it again.
"What if she never finds out?"
His eyes go wide. "...No." He looks genuinely scandalized. "...That would be cheating."
You have to cover your mouth, "Oh, of course."
Techno then tries to stand back up.
"...Need..." He wobbles alarmingly. "...Need my wife…"
Before he can take another step, his balance disappears and he starts tipping sideways.
"Whoa!" You catch him around his middle.
Immediately he lets out the most pathetic little whine. “No…”
"Alright, take it easy, will you?"
"...Get off..." Not mean but just very distressed. "...Please..."
You bite your lip. "Tech."
"...Can't..." He gently tries to push your hands away without actually succeeding. "...Married..."
"...Just..." He sighs dramatically. "...Bring me to my wife..." His head droops. "...She'll know what t'do..."
You’re trying very hard not to laugh as you carefully sit him back down on the mattress, before he can fall over again. "There."
He looks around the room confused.
You lean forward in front of him so you’re both eye level.
He just… squints really hard like he's trying to read tiny writing from across a room. His sleepy brain is visibly processing.
Then his eyebrows slowly lift. “...Oh.” He continues staring at you.
Then a slow, crooked smile spreads across his face. Then he leans back on his palms, looking up at you with the most lopsided, boyish grin imaginable.
You laugh, brushing a thumb across his cheek, “Oh,” a grin spreads across your face, “so now you know who I am?”
He squints at you for another second, then lets out the deepset sigh imaginable. “…Coulda started with that…”
"I've been telling you for the last twenty minutes—!" You burst into laughter.
Before you can say another word he reaches out and hooks an arm around your waist. And gently, but very insistently, pulls you onto his lap.
You laugh as you settle against him. "Well, alright."
The instant you’re comfortably in his lap, he wraps both arms around you in a tight embrace like he's making up for the entire trip home.
"There." He sighs happily. "...Found my wife."
Still holding onto you, he slowly flops backward onto the mattress.
You let out another laugh as you both sink into the blankets together.
"You're crushing me!" You tease.
He immediately loosens his grip just enough that you’re comfortable, but doesn't actually let go. "...Better?"
"Much." you look down at him.
His eyes are already half closed, hair completely disheveled, his face still flushed from the alcohol. Still holding you like you’re the greatest treasure he's ever found.
You smile to yourself. "...At least now I know I have nothing to worry about."
One sleepy eye opens. "...Hm?"
You gently smooth his bangs back from his forehead. "...You're a good husband."
The little sleepy smile disappears for a moment, because he's processing it. Really taking his time with those words.
"...Good…?" He repeats quietly.
His shoulders relax completely, all the tension leaves his body in one long, contented sigh. "...Mmm..."
He nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck, holding you just a little closer.
