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eight years ago, i was stranded the other side of the world from everyone i knew; let alone the people that i loved. i couldn't handle it, but there was nothing i could do except wait for time to pass and bring me back home. sometimes, i didn't talk to anyone for days. the only thing that kept me alive was buffy. in an empty life, it's easy to take up a lot of space. and boy, those characters knew how to fill a room. i found bits of myself in all of them, but none more than buffy.

season six almost broke me. i still can't listen to the once more, with feeling soundtrack without sobbing. please, just give me something. breaks my heart even now, over a hundred plays later (latest play exactly one week ago...). the crux of the episode is that the characters are uncontrollably confessing everything that they've been keeping from each other. buffy's deep dark secret is that she wishes to be dead (again). she's certain that there's nothing more in the world for her, so could they please, for god's sake, let her go?

like buffy, giles is also caught between worlds. the world where buffy relies on him to fix the problem, and the world where she fixes her own problems and therefore doesn't need him. he doesn't know if it's worse to keep helping her - potentially infantilising her by preventing her from learning through action - or to essentially abandon her so that she learns she can only depend on herself.

spoiler alert, he leaves. he comes back a few times after (i'd like to test that theory...), but never like before. in the real world, anthony head made the lovely choice to stop travelling for work and spend more time in england with his family. incredible decision. i am very happy that he was able to make that choice.

the only problem was that left buffy with a giant hole in its heart, and the show suffered hugely as a result. no matter your stance on season seven, there is no doubt that the show never recovers from anthony head leaving.

a couple of years ago, i forced my partner to watch buffy with me. i told him that he'd have to push through until angel orgasms his soul away (iconic). once we've got past that point, then he'll start to understand why i love the show so much. but i also told him to appreciate the early seasons as much as possible because he'll crave the cosiness of the sunnydale library when everything is turning out so dark.

the biggest part of that cosy feeling is rupert giles. during seasons one through to most of six, i knew that it would be ok because giles was there. how could it be anything else? like buffy, no matter how bleak it was, i knew that i could turn to that stupidly handsome face and he would say something that would make it all better. he'd explain it all in one sentence like it was so obvious. or he'd say something so perfectly sarcastic and british that i'd laugh and feel at home. or he'd say something that didn't take the pain away, but showed me that it was ok to feel it. there was no reason to feel ashamed. the thing about rupert giles is that he never once stood in the way. he only showed us how we ought to make our way forwards.