Emotionally Empty

How can I talk down to the person I love?

Who am I

Who have I become

No wonder I can never be happy

I’m so stupid

How can you love someone and treat them like shit?

I don’t deserve happiness

I don’t deserve true love

My dad was right all along

I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough

I’m too fat and my face is ugly

I don’t deserve Adam or anyone

I truly thought I felt love and I still feel like I love him

But I don’t deserve his love. I don’t deserve him

He’s better off without me. I just walked in his life to ruin it. I never made him happy. I should just let him do his own thing and be happy with his kids. That’s the family he needs

If I love him, I need to accept the fact I’m not going to make him happy. I only bring out the worst and he deserves true happiness… even if I’m not included. He was better without me in his life and I need to accept that.

I just need to love him from a distance. I need to accept the fact that I can’t make anyone happy.

Today’s the day I walk away… for good. He’s made it clear if I walk out the house that I’m never welcome back and I hate it but I understand. All I do is cause problems. I don’t know where to go cause if I go back home then all I’ll hear there is I’m not doing something right in my dads eyes and why go to a house without electricity and be freezing. I might as well just stay in my car.

I need to drive. Far far away. As far as I can go. Just let my family be whatever and let Adam heal from all the negativity I caused him.

Like oh. I have to watch tv but you can scroll through and text on your phone?

I’ve done that my whole life and I’m honestly tired of it. I’ve learned the benefits of being open, talking and not holding things in.

He’s literally 5+ years older than me and he clearly doesn’t understand it yet.

But when he finally wakes up, he tells his mom all his symptoms and not sure what could’ve caused it.

Me? I get nothing

I take a moment to breathe.

I ask for the remote since you turned everything off and it’s on your side.

Then you react saying “ I thought you didn’t want to watch?”

My answer “ you’re the one who got all pissed odf”

You don’t say anything and leave your back turned and go straight to sleep.

Fast forward to now.

Now it’s 1:33 AM and I’m watching Purple Hearts on Netflix because I feel some sort of connection…. Anger that turns to love. Something that turns real.

Mainly because you’re the angry one in this relationship and all I want is a happy marriage, family and just romance.

I just want love. I’m a big sappy person what can I say. I want romance. Anything sweet. Fresh flowers picked in the garden. A night in, just me and you and no phones. No one interrupting. No text messages, calls, socials - NOTHING.

You? Well. Referencing to Disney- Elemental. I’m water, you’re fire. You’re always a hot head and I’m always here waiting to cool you down… the best I can.

Inside Out: your anger and anxiety. I’m Joy and Anxiety with a bit of sadness. I don’t know. Just depressed but that’s not in the movie right?

I don’t know what I’m doing but all I know is I’ll be up all night now because that’s the person I am… growing up I used to hold things in and I cried. I cried. I cried. I remember when I used to get whooped for things I didn’t do or say. I got whooped for not rolling my eyes. I got whooped if I did or said anything negative. I cried so much. I don’t remember much but I know I got whooped… I got a half sister that well… uh… we didn’t have a good relationship. It was always her over me. She abused me… and well… my dad didn’t believe anything I said. There were more whoopins. I don’t know remember crying in the bathroom, locking myself in just to cry until I stopped crying. I stayed in my room all day everyday. If I wasn’t in school, I was in my room.

I had a better relationship with my mom… my best friend… most of the time.

Anywho. Yeah I held so much in for so long, I cried until I couldn’t anymore. Now, I’m all cried out. I just isolate myself and my thoughts are running constantly and then boom. No sleep.

Yeah that’s the person I am. That’s the person you met. But that’s okay. I’ll stay up all night while you rest. It’s okay. I’m not going to wake you up because then you’ll be more mad.

The person who literally supports you in anyway they can. I’m patient. While I’m employed I spoil you and the kids because it makes me happy and is fun to do. I literally am your punching bag anytime anything makes you stressed, upset, anything really. But you know, I’m the only one who sees that. To everyone else, you are just so sweet, smart, perfect caring man. But they don’t see the real you. They don’t see or h e a r the things you say. But that’s okay right? I’ll be your punching bag. I’ll always be all ears to anything you want to tell me… even though you’re very selective on what you want to tell me.

But I’m not good for you to tell me anything else right?

And then you want me to be open with someone who isn’t openly honest with me? Make it make sense.

Do I mean something to you or not? Do you care about me? Us? Are we best friends or not? Are we roommates or best friends? Are we fuck buddies or lovers?