F E E L

three years. 

It’s been about three years since we happened; whatever that was. 

About three years since I last wrote about you. 

You’re still the first and last thing on my mind. It’s not like you aren’t in my life anymore; you’re still my best friend. But that’s all you’ll see me as. Your friend. But I think of you as more. 

I’ve set more emotional boundaries for myself. They worked for a while and I found some type of peace with it but it’s just not enough anymore. I don’t know if it’ll ever be enough. 

Was I really mistaken by what we had? Was I delusional? Was I just a fling? Were you just entertaining me? Did you enjoy the fact that you had me wrapped around your finger? Was the attention and care I gave to you all that you cared about? 

I showed you my most vulnerable and it backfired. I let you in the deepest parts of me that I keep reserved. I showed you a side of me that never comes out. 

My soul is tied to yours and I don’t know how to detach myself. Months of isolation. Months of trying to just talk to you as friends. Months of telling myself that I am not your choice. Months of trying to forget all the moments we shared, the connection we made. Months of telling myself to move on. 

Those months then turned to years and I’m in the same place. Different but the same. Time is nothing but a fragment of our imagination but it feels like forever. 

Why couldn’t I have a chance? Would it have been so bad? Am I being selfish with how I feel? 

I became someone who I wasn’t in the beginning of this whirlwind of emotions. I tried to be with other people. I had meaningless hookups. I drank more. I pushed myself away from any type of love and care that others tried to show. I became so lost in the hurt. But even after all of that I still have the same amount of love for you. Even after losing myself, I never lost my love for you. 

Putting in the effort to move on and being interested in someone other than you is something I just cannot do. It doesn’t feel right if it’s not with you. 

I can’t even put together my thoughts to say what’s on my mind. 

haunting.

My mind is haunted by the thought of you. The ghost of you haunts me. The memories of you and I replay in my mind like a broken VCR.

Each time I close my eyes, the feeling of your lips touches mine. The feeling of holding you close engulfs me. The memory of your face as I play with the strings of your body. The beautiful melody that flows out our mouth as I’m touching you.

All I have are these scenes replaying in my head. The thought of you has possessed my mind and all I want is to be exorcised from the ghost of you that lingers.

You were the most beautiful yet painstakingly thing that has happened to me.

Tell me.

Please just tell me what went wrong. When did you start to feel anything other than love? Was I not enough? 

I want to let you go but I can’t. Why can’t I let go? You have this hold on me and before I used to love it. Now, I just feel suffocated by it. So please, help me let you go. 

Please tell me that you don't love me. Tell me that you never loved me. Tell me that I was just a phase. Tell me it was fake. Tell me something to make me not love you.