Pass The Scotch (salmon)

his wife has stocked his ponds with fish;

To keep it real i fuck him on the shore

I’m not just a good pair of tits. I’m also incredibly annoying

Remembering when people used to write guides for how to make your character not a Mary Sue. Setting aside the misogyny and just how dumb/boring all that shit was, you hardly needed a GUIDE. The best female characters are raging assholes. It's so easy. That's step one and you're done baby

hey sorry i can't come out tonight i have a thing

Stop saying “there are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’ve got my eye on one specific, emotionally distant salmon with commitment issues

had a dream i was on a path in the woods and at the end of the path was a cabin and in the basement of that cabin was a princess and i was there to slay her or it would be the end of the world but when i went in the basement there was just a lone salmon . it wasnt alive . it was a cooked salmon . and the narrator was like ok slay her what are you waiting for and i was like theres no princess and he was like what do you mean shes right there and i was like that is a salmon and he was like what no and i was like its literally not alive i cant slay the salmon and he was like can you at least try so i spent like ten minutes just stabbing this salmon and eventually i was like this isnt working can i go home and the narrator was like you still have to slay the salmon and then i woke up

official fish post

did you memorize the 5 species of salmon in the pacific-northwest using a mnemonic on your hand? or do i gotta teach you?

in the world where we're all rivers you are instead proven "silty beyond a reasonable trout" and sentenced to the diversion of your head waters (in the world where we're all rivers this is basically execution)