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November 15th, 2016. The lawn outside LNHQ, which is currently in the process of being rebuilt.
There was a great battle here.
...well, since this is the headquarters of the LNH, there have been many great battles here, and many more yet to come. But today feels like the day after a great, terrible battle, tho in fact it's been a week; coming down from the edge is like that, sometimes. And in a way it's been much longer, almost four years; recovering from trauma is like that, sometimes.
Nevertheless, the battle is over. There's a wind through the trees, blowing off the brightly-colored leaves; the world is stepping back, sitting down, and letting out its breath.
A single oak leaf, red and mottled with brown spots, tumbles down through the air, whirling in the cool autumn breeze. It flips, floats down... and disappears into a bubble of swirling darkness, inky colors shimmering and shifting like an oil slick on its surface. The bubble grows to the side of a person, then pops - and Cheesecake-Eater Lad and Token Girl tumble to the ground. A moment later, a tall, muscular blond woman with red eyes and subtle Star Trek-ian ridges on her face lands solidly on her feet - Captain LNH.
Token Girl coughs, pushing herself up, hands on her knees. "Whew. Felt like I was gonna turn inside-out."
Captain LNH chuckles, helping her to her feet. "That's what it's like, traveling from Looniverse-Astaroth, gateway to the Deep Omnilooniverse."
"Yeah, I think I liked it better back when we called it alt.comics.lnh." Token Girl stretches her arms, hands palm-out in front of her, and lets out a tension-releasing yawn. "How're you doing, Cheesy?"
Cheesecake-Eater Lad pounds himself on the chest and coughs. "Good thing I have such a strong stomach, that's all I'm saying." He shakes his head and turns to Captain LNH. "And you really want to... I mean, of course it's your decision."
Captain LNH nods firmly. "It is, and I do. I'm not..." She looks up at the LNHQ. "Not ready to come back."
"I get it... I think." Cheesecake-Eater Lad puts on a brave smile, but its edges start drooping. "I'm just... you spent so long in your own head. Uh, you didn't have a body at the time, but you know what I mean."
"Right, yeah. But not..." Captain LNH grabs her own shoulder, squeezes it. "Not all of us heal by talking about it. At least not right away."
oh god please let me step away from this awkward conversation, thinks Token Girl.
"Right. Well." Cheesecake-Eater Lad takes Captain LNH's hand, puts his over it. "I support you. And the Deep Omnilooniverse couldn't have a better defender."
Captain LNH smiles, a soft wave of starlight rolling thru her hair. "And the regular Looniverse couldn't have a better Anchor of Indulgence."
Cheesecake-Eater Lad chuckles. "Yeah, uh, you'll have to ask Unixepoch what that actually means, the next time you talk to him." He let go of her hands, and she took a step back.
"Will do. See you later, Tara!" Captain LNH begins to float up in the air, cosmic energy coalescing around her body.
Token Girl lets out a breath. "Right. Looking forward to it! Bring me some of the anime merch Looniverse-Murmur has, it looked amazing!"
Captain LNH laughs. "Gotcha. Oh, and keep an eye on the Loonited States for me. That new president..." She shakes her head, smiling. The energies swirl around her body, forming into a swirling bubble of bright colors, shafts of light shining out from the globular mass. It shimmers bright - then seems to zoom away, from every angle, until it is out of sight.
Cheesecake-Eater Lad takes off his toque, runs his hands thru his hair. "Whew." He turns to Token Girl. "We should probably--"
WHUMPF! He's lifted off his feet and up into the arms of a tall, pudgy, freckled woman who showers his face with kisses. "Oh my goodness dear I missed you!"
He squirms in her arms and laughs, wriggling out and onto the ground. "Jeez, hon." His cheeks are a-blush, and Token Girl smirks. "It was only a couple hours."
"Yes, and a couple decades before that, so forgive me my clinginess." She pulls him in close and presses him to her side.
He wiggles pleasantly, and a lithe, athletic woman in an abbreviated ninja outfit walks around his other side. She leans in to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Hearty Homecoming, Husband! Our Wonderful Wife Was Worried, but your Safety Surely Seemed Secure, by Superhuman Skill and Cosmic Competence!" She slides in, snuggling both of them and smiling at Token Girl.
Cheesecake-Eater Lad blushes. "Ah, I believe you know my wives, aLLiterative Lass and Petunia Boonspackle."
Token Girl nods! "Right. aLLi's a co-worker, of course, and I met Petunia back during the whole Neme.sys thing."
"Ah yes, Tara the Multinaut!" Petunia releases Cheesecake-Eater Lad in order to clasp Token Girl's hand in both of her large, warm hands. "Thank you so much, for helping weave our timelines together."
"Aw, don't worry about it," says Token Girl, blushing herself. Gosh, this lady's presence feels comforting, like a crackling fireplace. "I've always been a shipper, anyway. And if the history where Cheesy's alive can coexist with the one where he's dead, it's a minor problem to make the one where he's married to Petunia coexist with the one where he's married to aLLi."
"'Specially Since Sapphic Sisters Surely Sign-off," says aLLiterative Lass. "Truly, Triads Treat Tenderly. Will you Witness our Wonderful Wedding?"
"Er..." Token Girl's eyes swivel back and forth. "Aren't you already...?"
"Separately," notes Petunia, "but since polygamous marriage is legal in this timeline [The Liminals #1 - Footnote Flower Girl], we wanted to let everybody know that this isn't two marriages, or even three, it's one big one." She puts her arm around aLLi, who rests her head on the taller woman.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world," smiles Token Girl. "...unless I have to save the world that day, of course."
"Then that can be your present," says Petunia, smiling wide and giving Token Girl a thumbs-up.
"Precipitant Perfidy is a Powerful Possibility with that Present President," says aLLi, rolling her eyes.
"Now, now, let's save the politics for later. For now, we must be off~" Petunia hefts a squeaking Cheesecake-Eater Lad up under one arm, and aLLi under the other. "Picking up the daughters~"
"Right! See you later!" Token Girl chuckles under her breath as she watches them head off. Maybe this is what being the Looniversal Anchor of Indulgence means - making the people around you happy by making yourself happy. Well, good - they all deserve to be happy for a very long time.
She looks up at the clear blue sky, streaked with whispery clouds, and feels herself inch back from that sense of panic and emergency. There will be more emergencies, more world-shaking battles; but for now, she strolls casually back into LNHQ, looking for cheesecake.
The usual crowd is milling about in the lobby, chatting, getting the mail, rushing out to desperately stop a net.villain, learning the true meaning of Armistice Day, and so on. Subtle breezes flow thru the room, the tarp over the partially-destroyed wall flapping in the wind.
Token Girl makes her way thru the crowd with practiced skill, heading towards the hallway door until she spies a cluster of people and people-like entities that she can't let herself miss.
Escape Lass hefts a bowl of apples under her arm. "...can't sustain over-the-air signals, they just bleed out between the dimensional apertures, so we'll have to lay cable the whole way."
"Which is a problem," speaks the bowl of apples, in fact the MicroMAC Quadcore, "since it is an indeterminate distance which, likely, shall change in indeterminable ways over time."
"Right," says Escape Lass, voice filling with problem-solving enthusiasm, "which-- oh, Tara!" She bounces in her blue short-sleeve straitjacket towards Token Girl, wrapping her free arm around her and squeezing her tight to her side.
Token Girl squirms in surprise, but laughs. "Hey, Evie. Y'all about to head out?"
"I think we are," says Escape Lass, letting go of Token Girl and putting Quadcore in her arms. Token Girl blinks at the robot in disguise, who doesn't blink back, as his form currently lacks eyes. "Foreshadowing Lad, how's it looking?"
"Hmmmm..." Foreshadowing Lad stretches out an arm clad in green spandex, and smiles up at Escape Lass. "Feels like we're almost at a happy ending."
Escape Lass grins, takes Foreshadowing Lad's hand, spins him around, dips him back and kisses him, then lets him go~ The young man stumbles back into the arms of his other partner, Non-Judgmental Agnostic, who squeezes him in a tight hug.
"Man, everybody's in a triad nowadays," says Token Girl, chuckling and handing Quadcore back.
"We'd invite you in and make it a quad," says Non-Judgmental Agnostic in her soft, tinkling, quasi-divine voice, "but I'm afraid it would turn into a Great LNH Polycule and swallow Net.ropolis."
Token Girl flushes. "Uh, so uh, y'all are going to make your way back to your world, Escape Lass?"
Escape Lass nods firmly. "Right. We're going to head down into the depths of the LNHQ, down to the point where the LNHQs of different universes start mingling to save on storage space, and find our way home to the Legacy of Newfangled Hierophants."
"That's right, in the Deep Omnilooniverse... ah, dammit." Token Girl tsks at herself. "We could've had Captain LNH take you back."
Escape Lass shakes her head! "No, don't forget, we have to leave a trail of breadcrumbs back."
"Preferably in the form of interuniversal messaging system," speaks Quadcore. "If we can overcome these significant technical issues."
"That's right," nods Token Girl, dislodging some of the details she learned during that whole confusing shebang. "You got a lot of people who'd like to emigrate."
"Right, tho your Looniverse isn't our main destination." Escape Lass smiles down at Quadcore. "Somebody made us a better offer."
"Ohhhh..." Token Girl looks between the lady and the robot and it clicks. "Ohhhhh-- with *them*!"
Escape Girl laughs, fingers half-covering her mouth as her eyes sparkle, and nods. "Right."
"That's-- wow," says Token Girl, processing the idea. "A world with tiny robots and giant humans feels very Deep Omnilooniverse, but it's not what I would have expected them to--"
"Cower, fools!" A figure leaps into their midst, with the swish of a cape! He rolls back his head and opens his mouth to let out a megalomaniacal cackle!
"Ah-ha-ha-ha! Mueh-heh-heh-heh! ...how was that?"
"... it sounds like you're making progress!" says Non-Judgmental Agnostic supportively!
The figure smiles in delight. He looks like a very normal person, with hair a few tones darker than his skin and eyes that are a color. The only odd things about him are the crimson circuitry running down from his eyes, over his chin and down his neck, and the symbol on his forehead - a stylized sword tucked into a breast pocket, with fancy monogrammed initials on it - PE, for the Pocket Empire!
"...cool, hi," says Token Girl, eyeing the man. She'll have to catch up with WikiBoy on all his weird clones later, but for now, she's pretty sure this is... "wIkimus Maximus, right?"
"Correct!" says wIkimus proudly, idly battling his cape out of the way.
"Or should we call you..." Escape Lass tosses Quadcore to wIkimus and points a dramatic finger. "Our most thrilling enemy!"
wIkimus juggles Quadcore for a moment before getting his arms solidly under the bowl, then looks back at Escape Lass. "Mwa-ha-heh-heh-ho! That's right! Now that I have deposed the foolish Antiochus XXVIII, I am the one true leader of the Pocket Empire!"
"God, and thank you for doing that," says Escape Lass, shaking her head. "Um, and argh you fiend and such."
Token Girl has her arms crossed and her eyebrow raised. "That's a heck of a thing."
"It probably seems strange," says Non-Judgmental Agnostic, smiling. "But on many worlds, the rivalry of support is one of the strongest social bonds there is."
Token Girl nods, and leans away from the dramatically-proclaiming nerds so that her worlds can go straight to the ears of Non-Judgmental Agnostic and Foreshadowing Lad. "So... what happened to CassAIndra?"
Foreshadowing Lad sighs, a heavy weight on his brow. "Multi-Tasking Man thinks he can fix her."
"He'd be the one if anyone was," murmurs Non-Judgmental Agnostic. "They know each other from the inside out, now."
"Fair. I just wanted to thank her... well, hopefully I'll get the chance." Token Girl shakes her head. "And WikiMan?"
"His WikiPowers are lost," says Foreshadowing Lad, "and I don't see a future where he gets them back. He's now a fixed narrative being, based on his last edit."
"I don't think he minds much, tho," says Non-Judgmental Agnostic. "He gets to experience the childhood he never did the first time, with the MicroMACs as his friends."
Token Girl nods thoughtfully, eyes on Escape Lass and wIkimus. "And... mmm." She shakes her head. "I don't know. It feels strange that all the different factions, the Pocket Empire and the Guardiettes and the AniMACs and the MicroMicroMACs and everybody else, are still going to keep fighting each other, even tho..." Her forehead wrinkles, and she looks up at Non-Judgmental Agnostic. "Like, do they really have a reason?"
Non-Judgmental Agnostic turns her eyes up to the skylight over the foyer, watching the clouds swoosh by. She takes a deep breath, and in an 'I am reciting this from memory' voice, says, "Ever since the Trademarkers used their Alterscope to spy on the RoboMAC worlds, the MicroMACs have been fighting battles for the entertainment of others." She smiles at Token Girl. "They can be more than that, now. They already are. But doing huge, dramatic, splashy stuff for an audience - that's part of them."
"Like it's part of the LNH," says Foreshadowing Lad, nodding.
"Heh. I guess so..." Token Girl turns to Escape Lass and wIkimus Maximus and snaps her fingers, giving them the fingerguns. "Okay, I'm gonna head off. Catch you all on the flipside."
"Oh, before you go!" Escape Lass bounds forward and catches her in a hug. Token Girl squirms in obvious embarassment and quiet delight, and hugs her back.
After she's let go, Token Girl waves and heads out of the foyer and down the winding corridors of LNHQ, towards the cafeteria. As she turns a corner, a figure staring off into space collides with her, both of them falling on their butts.
"--oh, sorry!" The other one scrambles to his feet, and Token Girl can see that it's Can-Handle-Any-Type-of-Change-Except-For-the-Ultimate-Ninja-Wearing-a-Cape Lad, three-time winner of the Longest Name in the Legion contest.
"That's okay," she says, helping him up. "But are you all right? You seem, uh, distracted."
He shakes his head, blushing just a bit. "It's just..." He looks over his shoulder, then leans in to murmur. "I'm afraid my powers are malfunctioning."
"Ohhhh?" Token Girl felt a slight tinge of worry. CHAToCEFtUNWaCLad was a relatively new Legionnaire, but had already become one of their dependable stalwarts.
He nods firmly. "I saw Ultimate Ninja walk by the cape closet, and..." He breathes just a bit deeper. "I didn't feel anything."
"...ah." Token Girl's worry becomes a different kind of... melancholy, really. She had been right there when it happened, but...
"Me too!" Puts-Paperclips-on-The-Ultimate-Ninja's-Desk Lad, three-time loser of the Least Useful Power in the Legion contest, popped into the conversation out of nowhere. "I just got a new jar of clips and they've just been sitting in a drawer all week!"
"Mmmm..." Token Girl draws in a breath. "Well, maybe you should go to Doctor Stomper and have him check up on your powers."
"Ooh, yeah, good idea. Thanks, TG!" The two of them head off in the general direction of sickbay, chattering about the weirdness of the day.
Token Girl rubs her upper arm, getting some of that stiff tension out. She was there when it happened, but... she's not supposed to say anything. She's still not really sure that was the right choice, but it's...
Well, it's what Ultimate Ninja wanted, so.
She makes it down to the cafeteria, grabs a slice of one of Betamax's weird culinary experiments (in this case, pizza with black bean sauce and cotija cheese), reflills her canteen from the water filter, and takes ten to relax, sip, eat and process.
Just about ten minutes later: "Hey, mind if I sit here?"
Token Girl is tired enough that her first impulse is to pull out one of her trademark snappy comebacks so she doesn't have to People any more. But she recognizes the voice, and its owner doesn't count as a People, he counts as a Friend; so she looks up and gives a tired but sincere smile. "Yeah, sure!"
And Wikiboy sits down, putting his Szechuan tacos and soda on the table and smiling back, with just a touch of hard-earned confidence. "How've you been?"
"I've been..." Token Girl rolls her mind over a chaotic landscape of emotion... "I've been a lot. How about you?"
"Uh... also a lot, I think." Wikiboy adjusts his hair and straightens up. "Adjusting to how my powers work now, and the new... part of me, I guess you'd call it."
Token Girl nods, the questions that have been on her mind for a while rolling to the front. "Yeah, uh, did you absorb, like... the whole Apathy Beast, or...?"
"It felt like it at the time, but now it just feels like..." WikiBoy puts his hand over his chest, and takes a deep breath, stilling. "...like an extra bit of... weight? Calmness? Metaphysical machinery?" He shrugs! "Something like."
"Right. But you can still be edited?"
"Yeah, that still works about the same way. It's just that I can ignore edits if I really want to." He looks out the window. "It's kind of... the power to Not Care."
A little wave of regret sloshes on the shores of Token Girl's brain. "Gotcha. ..can you edit yourself?"
WikiBoy stares out the window, quiet for a long while. "...I don't know. When... when we were all together, all in one body, I could, but... I haven't tried since." He takes another deep breath, straightens up, and turns to her with a smile. "Someday, I guess. But right now, it feels like..." His smile droops just a bit at the edges. "WiKaine messed himself up real bad by editing out everything he couldn't stand."
Token Girl summons up her ultra-secret net.ahuman power, Being Distractingly Light and Humorous. "You mean Axen Kiwi, the No One of WikiBoy, right?"
WikiBoy blinks, then laughs. "Oh, god, yeah. I forgot about all the convoluted video game nonsense for a bit."
She grins. "Kingdom Hearts references are the natural destination of ridiculously convoluted crossover plotting."
"They really are." He shakes himself and runs his hands thru his hair, blushing a bit as he realizes how vulnerable he'd been. "I think he ran off into the Deep Omnilooniverse in the end. I hope he finds something to..."
"...put in that literal heart-shaped hole in his chest?" Seeeecret power!
"Oh, god, that's right. WikiBoy laughs. "Jeez our lives are hilarious sometimes." He shakes his head ruefully. "I didn't really get that, when I was the butt of all the jokes."
Oh no, the secret power backfired and now a huge wave of guilt is swamping Token Girl's brain! "I'm--" She stumbles. "I'm sorry if I ever--"
WikiBoy holds up a hand and looks her in the eyes. "Don't worry about it, please."
"...you sure?"
He picks up his taco and gives a big, performative bite, chewing and swallowing. "I was--" Slurp crunch smack. "I was created to be the butt of all the jokes, the one who just takes abuse because it's not as funny if I get revenge. That's who my Writer needed me to be... a harmless fantasy, something you write to find the happy buttons in the folds of your own brain and push them, and maybe find other people with the same buttons that'll enjoy it. That's who I was, then, and... I'm kinda proud of it?" He takes another bite, and licks his fingers. "Yeah, definitely this weird existential pride."
"I don't really get it," says Token Girl, "buuuuut that's good?"
WikiBoy giggles and lets out a little snort. "Yeah, it is. But then other writers got ahold of me, ones with different buttons, and they decided to take the elements of the fantasy and use them for a different kind of story. Like Jay Edidin embracing Chris Claremont's version of Lee and Kirby's Cyclops - finding the part that appeals to you. That's what collaborative fiction universes are about. And now I'm who I am right now." He pulls out a wet-wipe and cleans off his fingers. "There's plenty of room in there for different interpretations, too. I still get into wacky unfortunate comedic peril." He tosses the wipe on his tray and leans back in his chair. "I dunno. It's weird to think about who I used to be, but... yeah, I'm not sorry I was him."
Token Girl looks at WikiBoy, relaxing, thoughtful, and warmth swells in her chest. "I'm proud of you, man."
"Awh. Well." WikiBoy blushes, straightens up, and grabs the rest of his taco, shoving it in his mouth and mumbling "Thanks." around the food.
Token Girl chuckles. "So, uh... what haven't we... oh, yeah, WikiCide. He decided to become your evil opposite, huh?"
"Yeah~" WikiBoy swallows. "I'm proud of him, too. He's had a longer path than I have, even, but I think he's gonna do a great job."
"Four outta five ain't bad, I think," says Token Girl.
WikiBoy nods, and streeeetches and yaaaaaaaawns. "Mmmmm... I think I'm gonna go take a post-lunch nap."
"Hey, nap buddies~" Token Girl holds up her fist, and WikiBoy bumps it. She stands up and stretches. "See ya when I see ya."
"See ya too, assuming I have eyes at that point." WikiBoy stands up and picks up his tray.
Token Girl turns to go... ponders for a moment. "Hey, WikiBoy?" She snaps her fingers. "You're an SD Deathscythe."
"...yeah, sure~" WikiBoy poofs into an adorably chibi battle robot holding a glowing laser scythe, and toddles off on his chunky robotic feet.
Token Girl makes her way out of the cafeteria and down to her room without any more run-ins. She shuts the door and leans back on it, closing her eyes. Jeez, what a day. And it isn't over yet, but she can kick off her big stompy boots, hang up her button-covered denim jacket, flop into bed, cuddle a body pillow with a badass anime girl on it, and take a nap.
...she dreams of patterns in the sky, lines that aren't lines and gods that are great rotating symbols, and she watches the lines separate until the symbol is gone, and she watches Discord wave as she passes...
Token Girl wakes up 23 minutes after her alarm was supposed to go off. Oh, crap, she's supposed to get the Metatronium Sifter back in-- oh crap oh crap oh crap!!
She pushes her feet into her boots and wiggles her heels into place, grabs her jacket, and charges down the hallway to the transporter room. Parking Karma Kid is there, sitting behind the console and watching a compliation of ridiculous Grand Theft Auto vehicle tricks on his phone.
"Pete!" Token Girl says, leaping onto a transporter.thingy pad.thingee. "Gotta be at a place right exactly now! Address!" She throws a paper airplane at him.
Parking Karma Kid catches it out of the air and unfolds it. "So you're asking me to drop you off, not in some open space at sea level, but inside a mid-city building on the fifth floor?"
Token Girl nods desperately!!
Parking Karma Kid cracks his knuckles. "Thanks! But next time, give me a hard one!" His fingers dance over the console and she's gone~
Token Girl materializes in the hallway outside apartment 507-- whew, only a minute and a half late. She knocks on the door, and a kinda butch lady with short curly hair and devastating cheekbones opens it - "Terrible" Maddie Turnip. Token Girl holds out her hand, Maddie grabs it with a little grin, and they go up, down, left, right, wiggle your pinkies - the old Radikool Kidz Klub secret handshake. Then Maddie pulls her forward unexpectedly into a brief but strong hug that makes Token Girl gasp - not unpleasantly - as the air is squeezed out of her.
Behind Maddie, on the couch, are two people. One is a tall, dark-haired woman with a sort of 40's pinup girl look and an infectuous smile - Forgotten Gal. The other is a scrawny young man of Polish descent, with long blue hair and wearing a lemon-yellow T-shirt and blue jeans - Skrajny the Multinaut.
"C'mon, c'mon, I got a cherry crumble in the oven." Maddie leads Token Girl in and sits her down in a big plush recliner, a plate of dessert pressed into her hands.
"Okay, okay," laughs Token Girl. "But just one slice for me, please, I've got a dinner date." She takes the proffered fork and nibbles - delicious. "Lessee, uh..." She reaches into her satchel and pulls out a weird, septagonal device. "Here ya go, Skrajny."
"Please, call me Kacper." He says 'Casper' but Token Girl's gone thru enough baby naming sites to know how it's spelled. Kacper takes the Metatronium Sifter. "Tho I don't know what I'm gonna do with it."
"We'll figure it out," says Forgotten Gal, squeezing Skrajny's hand and giving him a reassuring smile. Token Girl notices that she's still wearing the Nostalgic Brace she'd gotten... somewhere along the line, Token Girl wasn't really sure. But it counterbalanced her forgettability, for people who had an emotional investment in her - which everyone in the room definitely did.
Token Girl decides to jump directly to the elephant in the room. "You're definitely not going home, then?"
Kacper sucks in a breath, lets it blow out loose lips. "...I want to go back. I want to help my people, the ones who are still trapped in that messed-up imperialist view of the multiverse." He puts his hands out in front of him and shakes his head. "But the Ordered Realities bureaucracy would hunt me down as a deserter even if I wasn't keeping the Idoloid technology. It's much safer, for now, for me to stay in an unregistered world where their influence is strictly indirect."
Maddie nods. "'Sides, this way, we can keep each other safe."
"Hell yeah!" Forgotten Girl pumps her fist. "Heroes together!"
"Woo!" says Kacper, giving a thumbs-up.
Token Girl grins and finishes off her bit of cherry crumble. "I'm glad to have someone like you on the force, Maddie."
"Heh, well." Maddie puts down her beer and gives Token Girl a tired but sincere smile. "Thanks, but I ain't on the force anymore."
"...oh. Uh." Social snafu? Had something happened?? "Sorry???"
"Nah, it's okay." Maddie sits back, arms crossed. "You're right, I was a good cop. But I was mostly good at not being like a cop's supposed to be. And after we found out..." She shakes her head. "Some of Shadez Radikal's people were... acquaintances, maybe even kind of friends. People I thought I could count on - people who'd given me orders. And I thought about those orders..." She shrugs. "I'm done with necessary evils. Or as done as you can be, in this world."
Token Girl let out a breath. "Yeah, that's fair. And like, who even knows what the laws are gonna be like with that new President."
"Oh lord, that guy," says Maddie, shaking her head and tilting her beer back, pouring the rest of it down her throat, then letting out a satisfying belch.
"Coulda been worse, tho," says Forgotten Gal, punching Maddie lightly in the shoulder.
"Yeah," says Token Girl, shaking her head too. "Anyway, what are you gonna do now?"
"You wanna take this one?" Maddie says to Forgotten Gal, who smiles and leans forward.
"We're gonna try and make something new. A place for Weird People."
"While everything was going down, we ended up getting to know some of your Shadow People," says Kacper.
"And we had ideas, and they had ideas..." says Maggie. "And a lotta those ideas were compatible."
"It's gonna be a place where weirdos like us can just, like, live, and support each other," says Forgotten Gal, eyes sparkling with possibility. "Without having to worry about cops, or CEOs, or weird people in frog masks, or any of that."
"Sounds great," says Token Girl. "But..." She rubs her chin thoughtfully. "Isn't that basically the LNH?"
Maggie lets out a little bark of a laugh. "Kid, you got a flippin' ninja death machine for a leader. It ain't an egalitarian society yet, that's for sure."
"...yeah, you know, fair, reasonable."
"Besides," interjects Forgotten Gal enthusiastically, "we can have more than one!"
"We gotta have more than one," says Maddie. "As many as we can get, I think."
Token Girl mmmmmms. "Good point..."
"It's like the Powernauts taught me," says Kacper. "You gotta spread the power around."
Token Girl giggles. "Right, and--" She's interrupted by her phone, which belts out a rousing chorus of 'Yappapa'. "Aw shoot!" She bounces to her feet! "Gotta get going to dinner!"
"Hugs first!" Forgotten Gal leaps up and hugs her, and Token Girl puts up only minimal protest. Maggie pushes herself to her feet and wraps her arms around the both of them with even less protest, and after a hesitant moment, Kacper joins in. Token Girl feels embarassingly warm and snuggly and appreciated, and only lets it go on for so long before she squirms out and away.
"See ya!" Everybody waves as she heads out the door.
This time, she walks to her destination; it's only a few blocks down the street, and exercise is always a useful prelude to the kind of food you get at the Pizza Pit.
At the door, she checks her phone; 7:57 PM. Awesome, just a couple minutes early. She slides inside and finds a place to lean up against the wall, looking up at the stage. She wouldn't want to miss this - the very last performance of the Cool Name Band.
Merissa is absolutely shredding on the bass, and Kid Occultism Kid is leading on guitar. Keeping up the beat is, of course, Deathspork: The Terminator on drums, with accompaniment by Amnesiac Brad Pitt on saxophone. And belting out the vocals at the top of her lungs is the one and only top of the pops, Rock'n'Roll Lass!
The crowd looks up from their pizzas, at the stage usually reserved for animatronic animals and karaoke performances of Baby Shark, enraptured by the sudden sense of something special happening; a magical alchemy that will disappear after tonight, and somehow, that feels okay; somehow, that feels right.
Token Girl leans back and lets the sound wash over her; the secret chord that pleased Discord. She hadn't been able to appreciate it properly before, either during the Secret War of the Bands or during the moment they had played to the universe itself. Now... her eyes lid, and her breath slows, and something opens up in her chest, and she lets it flow thru her...
When the music ends, she opens her eyes, stands up, and streeeetches. It feels like she's taken another nap, but she's absolutely brimming with energy...
"Thank you, Net.ropolis!" shouts Rock'n'Roll Lass. "Never forget where the rock came from! Good night!" The curtains swish closed, and Token Girl slips around the side and heads backstage.
The five of them are in the dressing room, taking off their stage makeup and chatting, letting themselves wind down too. Token Girl knock-knocked and leaned in. "Hey! Got a minute for your biggest fan?"
All five look up and all five smile, tho Deathspork's expression is annoyed at his own happiness. Rock'n'Roll Lass crosses the room, grabs Token Girl's hand, and pulls her up close in a sororal fist-clasp. "Glad you could make it, babe."
Token Girl feels that warmth rise to her cheeks again. "Wouldn't miss seeing y'all off!"
"Indeed, you are just in time!" Deathspork rises, having strapped his drums to a wheely cart, and gestures grandly. "For our alliance has been fruitful-- but now it must end! You have earned my respect, but the next time we meet, it will be-- as enemies!!"
Merissa rolls her eyes exaggeratedly. "Dude. PLEASE get over yourself and you might stop sucking."
"Verily," speaks Kid Occultism Kid, "you have far greater potential than you allow yourself to know. Especially on the drums."
"Bah!" Deathspork opens the stage door and sweeps dramatically out of the Pizza Pit. Tries to sweep dramatically out of the Pizza Pit. Trips on the steps and falls out of the Pizza Pit.
Screaming.
"...right," says Token Girl. "How about you, babe?"
Rock'n'Roll Lass laughs. "Yeah, I'm headed off too. Got to get back to the '60s and make sure all the 'classic rock' isn't being produced by white boys." She shakes her head. "'Classic'. Man, what a trip."
"Hang it loose!" says Amnesiac Brad Pitt, throwing up the horns.
Rock'n'Roll Lass raises her eyebrows and chuckles. "Yeah, you do you! G'night, folks!" She steps carefully over Deathspork, and disappears into the night.
"I have taken the liberty of ordering our repast for the evening!" Kid Occultism Kid thrusts out a hand, and the wood warps within the dressing room wall, turning into a mystic swirly portal! "Shall we?"
Merissa rolls her eyes. "You really didn't need to be that extra." She walks up to the door... and blasts it into tiny pieces with her Ultra-Mega-BIGGUN! "Not when you could be that extra!" >:D
"oh my god you nerds." Token Girl stepped thru the pieces of broken door, pulling Amnesiac Brad Pitt along with her. Kid Occultism Kid waves their hands, and a giant arrow appears, guiding them to their table. A waitress drops off their pizza and gets Merissa's signature, and they dive in.
"So," says Token Girl, dipping one of their gloriously greasy breadsticks into marinara, "how are you holding up, Brad?"
"Ah..." Amnesiac Brad Pitt shakes his head. "I don't think I'm going to call myself that anymore." He gets up and stands behind his chair, putting one hand on the faded First Trenchcoat draped over it. "After the other Brad Pitts formed the Idolon of Millions and sacrificed themselves, the idea of holding up that name, that legacy... that's not what I am."
Kid Occultism Kid swallows and says, "And what, then, would you be?"
"I'm just a memory of what came before." The former Amnesiac Brad Pitt puts on the First Trenchcoat and turns towards the door, but stops for a moment, looks back. "I'm just... a Memento."
"...uh," says Merissa, "you weren't in that movie."
He freezes. "Wait, really?"
"Are you thinking of Guy Pearce, maybe?" says Kid Occultism Kid.
"Well shit." The still-nameless Idolon turns around and sit back down at the table. "So... how about that election?"
The tension breaks and the table turns into a caophony of nods, sighs, mumbles and eyerolls.
"Like jeez that new President," says Merissa, shaking her head. "I mean, I was too busy to run, but..."
"Yeah," says Token Girl, "but... it could definitely have been worse."
Merissa pauses, remembering, and nods firmly. "Yeah, it really could..."
"And for now," says Kid Occultism Kid, "we shall look forward, to the future. To what we can do to keep this from happening again - to make things truly better."
"Hear, hear," says Mr. What's-His-Name.
Between them, the foursome quickly finish off the pizza, the breadsticks, and the side order of wings. Token Girl lets out a satisfied belch, and Merissa gives her a high-five. "Okay," she says, "I'm gonna head back to LNHQ, how 'bout y'all?"
"I'll totes come with," says Merissa, picking up her bass.
"I shall stay here and help our friend consult on a new moniker," says Kid Occultism Kid.
"yeah thanks," says you-know-who.
The two of them head out the door, into the cool autumn night, gibbous moon waning overhead. As they walk, Token Girl feels Merissa's demeanor change, from the chill relaxed lady she likes to project to the insecure teenager-esque being she actually is (in Token Girl's estimation). Something wants to come out, but it can't be forced, so she waits...
They're almost there when Merissa turns to her and bursts out with a "So hey..."
"Yeah?" says Token Girl, like she hadn't been waiting.
"It's just..." Merissa fidgets, and her face wrinkles up in the frustration of being kuudere, trying to hold back her feelings to maintain her persona of Cool. Thankfully, she isn't very good at it, and the words come spilling out. "Do you really think we can make stuff better? Like, the world almost went totally to shit! It's fucked up in so many different ways! I don't think..." Her voice softens, and she turns her gaze away. "I don't think anybody, no matter how cool and powerful they are, can deal with it by themselves."
Shit. Token Girl does not consider herself anything like 'good at this stuff'. Fearless Leader or Catalyst Lass would be much better at the encouraging speeches, and Special Bonding Boy or Fairy Princess Lad would be much much better at the talking about feelings. But, well, she was there and now she's here, so she takes a deep breath and...
"...yeah, I think you're right. Like... during all the shit that happened, all of the crazy and cosmic and depressing and amazing stuff-- I couldn't have done any of it by myself. Which..." Okay, here goes. "Which is why we all had to do that together. So many of us had to take it on from so many different angles, your band, the Powernauts, Captain LNH and Cheesecake-Eater Lad, the MicroMACs, Maddie and Forgotten Gal, Escape Lass and WikiMan, all the WikiBoys, all of us... We had to come from different places, different backgrounds, different powersets and different stations in life, because we were all needed, we all helped in different ways."
Merissa's eyes are wide and-- oh, dear, yes, they're sparkling. Well, at least it's working - better wrap up while she's ahead.
"So like... yeah, I do think we can stuff better, but only if we keep doing that. If we all value each other's efforts, and don't stop supporting each other - the front line fighters, the healers and comforters, the big public speakers, the logistics nerds, the hyperspecialists..." Token Girl chuckles. "And the token weirdos like me, who just happened to be in the right time and place to kinda, give a little push in a helpful direction."
"...hey!" says Merissa, snorting. "Don't be so down on yourself, grandma. You did a lot of the work too." She shrugs~ "Not as much as me, of course~"
Token Girl laughs. Oh thank fuck it worked. "Grandma, eh? Well, sonny, er, little lady... no, that sounds dumb, I don't know how grandmas talk."
Merissa lets out a gigglesnort. "Okay, okay, so stop talking. See you in the morning, I'm gonna do something cooler than hanging out with you~" She runs down the sidewalk to the back door of the LNHQ, swings it open, and yells, "Also you're rad and thanks!" before disappearing.
Token Girl chuckles, running her hands thru her hair as she saunters thru the back door. Whew. It's been a day of far too many emotions... time to vegetate.
She finds her way to the TV room, the hallways gently guiding her as always. Forsaken Lass and Net.Access are on one of the overstuffed couches, making out and oblivious to the world around them, so she flops down on the other one, next to Fuzzy. "What's on the boob tube?"
"Well, I don't watch the news a lot," says Fuzzy, flipping from channel to channel like it's 1992 or something. "But I figured this was important." She stops on an image of a podium with American flags around it. Vaguely stirring, vaguely patriotic music was playing.
"...welp," says Token Girl, running her hands thru her hair. "Let's do this."
The vague music quiets, and a warm and enthusiastic announcer comes on, completely unfazed by what he's about to say. "Ladies and gentlemen, in his first address to the nation, please welcome the new President-Elect of the Loonited Sates of Ame.rec.a..."
A person walks up to the podium. A person both of them recognize. A person both of them have fought with. And before last week, the last person either of them would have expected to see up there...
"...Bad Judgment Boy!"
The Icon of Ill-Considered Ideas strolls saucily up to the podium. He's wearing a T-shirt with a picture of Che Guevara on it and tight shorts that say "JUICY" on the bottom. He grabs the microphone (causing a screech of feedback) and addresses the nation.
"Hey guys! Wait, there's a teleprompter. My... fellow... Africans..."
An aide runs up to Bad Judgment Boy and whispers urgently in his ear, but he waves them off.
"Look, look, I know you wanted me to talk about the economy or whatever, but let's focus on what's really important: Me! See, I'll be great for the Ame.rec.an people. Most politicians are big in debt to shady figures in industry. But all the shady figures *I*'m in debt to disappeared last week, so it's fine!"
Token Girl watches, open-mouthed, for as long as she can stand. Then she grabs the remote, clicks off the TV, and falls back on the couch. She looks up at Fuzzy. "...well, it coulda been worse, right?"
Fuzzy chuckles. "It really could have. But..." She scratches her head. "I still don't understand how the heck he won!"
Token Girl sits up and shakes her head. "I should head to bed." She stands up, streeeetching out. "But I'll tell you what I can tomorrow." She walks to the door, but turns when she gets there. "And we can start at the end." She gives Fuzzy a wink, then ambles away.
Fuzzy shakes her head. "Good night." She turns to the camera. "And sleep well, when you do."
----
Author's Notes: So, the thing is...
I had SO MANY PLANS for WikiLull. And they grew, and they grew, and they just kept growing. And I realized - what I really wanted WikiLull to be was a catharsis to all the pain and awfulness of the 2016 election, all of its causes and all of its effects. And that's just too big for one story to be.
So instead, I decided to tie off the loose ends, and take a lot of the places Jeanne and I had wanted characters to go and just move them there, and leave the Looniverse with a good status quo. And get it done before the 2020 election, eheheh... just under the wire.
The Deep Omnilooniverse is, of course, a parody of DC's Dark Multiverse. Jeanne and I were originally going to call it the "Dark Omnilooniverse", but using "dark" like that is overdone and carries Weird Racial Overtones, and the play on the idea of the "deep web" was really compelling. All of the Deep Omnilooniverse worlds mentioned in this issue are named after demons from the Ars Goetia, because we're fancy like that. It's not very well-defined here, so feel free to go wild!
"Nice kitties," said WikiBoy, holding up his hands (and his beaver tail), walking backwards slowly. "Good kitties..."
The five sabertooth tigers stalking growled in unison, and WikiBoy gulped. This was gonna hurt...
"WikiBoy! I have need for your aid!" Kid Occultism Kid stepped thru the wall, gesturing grandly. "You are... a cosmic transcendence vehicle!"
"yes absolutely whatever" WikiBoy poofed into an orange-and-brown couch with a multicolored afghan drapped over the back and a stain on one of the cushions. Kid Occultism Kid hopped on and they slid into Hypertext Time just before the sabertooths could leap and rend them to little fiddly bits.
The experience of being a transcendently cosmic couch was amazing and infinite and unspeakable. But this is just supposed to be a quick comedy issue, so we won't speak of it.
But soon - by the counting of Size-of-the-Entire-Universe-Man's watch, anyway - they arrived, at a swirly psychedelic space that smelled like neutrons. All the Great Powers of the Looniverse were there - the Living Moderator; Lord MUDD, Master Workload and sig.ma; Alt.actus, Killfile, Ending of the Finishless, and some other Deaths I've forgotten; and a whole bunch more that Saxon Brenton came up with!
"Lo!" said the Scyldh Ta, a character I came up with, herald to the Living Moderator. "Court is in session for... THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE LOONIVERSE!"
Holy crap! thought the WikiCouch.
"The floor turns to... VAMMO Woman, the RACCelestial Madonna!"
"Wait, really?" said Kid Occultism Kid. "She hasn't been used in how long?"
"Shut up long, that's how." The RACCelestial Madonna pointed a finger, and a curtain drew back to reveal that thing where a giant pair of hands mooshes two Earths together so they overlap. "Two Loonivearths! One, a terrible, apocalyptic land where the spawn of Neme.sys became President, plague ravages the land, and the LNHQ is full of prehistoric monsters! Another where things are only terrible in the normal ways of a superhero universe! What great force has caused this contradiction?"
Kid Review raised his hand. "I thought it was because Drew took forever to finish WikiLull and Arthur wanted to do something topical."
"Out of turn, five-yard penalty!" The Scyldh Ta rapped their gavel and a door opened in the swirly psychedelic nothingness, dropping Kid Review thru with a descending scream.
"It was I who did it!" All heads (or head-like abstract appendages) turned to look at the being who had walked (?) thru the doors (??) of the court - the humanoid form of multicolored fractals and pure weirdness, Chaos Theory!
"But why!?" said the RACCelestial Madonna. "You have wrought great chaos-- well, okay, but still."
"I have discovered a danger even greater than hungry, hungry sabertooths!" said Chaos Theory.
"Nice title drop," said Rubricus Declinator, anthropomorphic personification of title drops.
"As you know," said Chaos Theory, walking around the floor (???) and gesticulating even more grandly, "The Looniverse depends on drama flowing from the boring lives of the Writers into our world. However--" They thrust out a hand, and an image of a scandalous newspaper headline appeared, replaced by another, just as bad, and another, and another, faster and faster. "As you can see, the Real World has become more and more filled with stress, danger, and unpredictability - even as the reduced rate of LNH stories means that the characters face less huge cosmic challenges than usual! Cosmic comrades, if this keeps up-- the Looniverse is in danger of becoming less dramatic than the Real World!"
"Gasp!" said the Gasper, one of the Elders of the Looniverse.
"I say!" said Monoculus, Dorfish god of popped monocles.
"By the silver slippers of Sidney Poitier," muttered Kid Occultism Kid.
"I see," said the RACCelestial Madonna, her face grim. "Then it seems we have no choice but to accept--"
"Just a moment!" said Kid Occultism Kid, standing up on the WikiCouch (ow! he thought). "You have forgotten one thing!"
"Back in my day, humans didn't just walk up to anthropmorphic personifications and start runnin' their yap!" said the Golden Force.
"You get used to it," sighed Master Workload.
"You have forgotten the other force that runs the Looniverse, equal partner to Drama - Comedy!" They leaned down and whispered, "WikiBoy, you're a rubber chicken whoopie cushion!"
"as long as you quit stepping on me," muttered WikiBoy, and poofed into a rubber chicken whoopie cushion. Kid Occultism Kid walked up to Chaos Theory and slapped them in the face (????) with the WikiChicken.
"I challenge you - all of you!" - they pointed to the assembled gathering, or perhaps the gathered assembly - "to make the Looniverse, not simply more dramatic than Real Life, but sillier!"
Murmurs rumbled thru the cosmic crowd. Chaos Theory and the RACCelestial Madonna got in a huddle, whispering urgently. Finally, they separated and faced the Living Moderator.
"We have reached a compromise!" said the RACCelestial Madonna. "The Comboverthing will be removed from the office of President - and another, sillier option put in his place! The plague will remain - but be changed to something more ridiculous!"
The Scyldh Ta rapped their gavel. "So it is written, so it is done! And now, lower beings - BEGONE!" They pointed their gavel at Kid Occultism Kid and the WikiChicken, and there was a great flash of light...
When it faded, WikiBoy found himself standing back in the LNHQ, Kid Occultism Kid next to him, panting. "Wasn't sure that would work... whew." They straightened up and stuck out their hand. "Thank you for your help, WikiBoy!"
"Oh, um." WikiBoy took their hand and shook firmly. "No problem, glad I could help with the silliness."
"Indeed, you are one of the greatest sources of it we have! Take pride in that!" They waved their hand, and a swirly portal appeared in midair. "Now I must avaunt, to find out what has changed! Good luck!"
"Thanks-- wait, good luck?" WikiBoy turned around, to find-- oh, no. There was a sabertooth tiger at the end of the hallway.
A sabertooth tiger... wearing all black, with a red, white and blue belt, and a katana in its teeth?
WikiBoy remembered what the RACCelestial Madonna said about the plague being changed. So it was a disease... that turned you into a sabertooth tiger for two weeks!?
WikiBoy took a deep breath... and started running!
----
Author's Note: I tried to make this quick, fun and silly, just like the first two, because, well, that's what we need right now! (And can you find the hidden Dvandom Force reference in this ish?)
Burst Beetle Tweseveny #9: “2007: The Umpire's Call and the Last Rung's Fall!“
The figure lands lightly on her feet, wearing insectoid armor in shining black and white! She snaps her fingers, pointing at Tweseveny, then whips her head around and points the finger at M-Plot!
"And I think it needs a referee! Someone like... Burst Beetle XOX!" The camera zooms around XOX and she poses, showing off her cool armor!
Her chest plate has a diagonal checkerboard pattern with white Xes on the black squares and black Os on the white squares. Hanging from her neck is an enormous crimson whistle. Her arms and legs are vertically striped in black and white, and she wears black gloves and boots with white trim. At her crimson belt is a buckle with two chess clocks on them, one with Tweseveny's armored face on it, the other with M-Plot. Her face is a criss-cross tic-tac-toe board, and her eyes are black, circular lenses, one with a raised white letter X in it, the other with a raised white letter O. At her neck is a black bowtie with a ruby at the center, and on her forehead is a ruby chess clock, with white numbers and a black hand!
Tweseveny shakes her head. "Burst Beetle... Zocks?"
"Right, but you spell it capital ecks capital oh capital ecks."
"What is this!?" M-Plot stalks forward. "Who sent you? What are you!?"
XOX holds out a hand and presses it to M-Plot's chest plate. "Babe, I'm not a player in this game. I'm just here to make sure it's fair."
M-Plot pulls back angrily. "This isn't a game."
"Yeah, and if it was, we'd be winning!" Mother Time holds up the Hourglass of wReamThermodynamics and blasts a seething stream of temporal rays at XOX!
Who holds up a single hand and lets the stream splash uselessly against it! "Attacking the ref, that's a penalty!" She reaches down and grabs the whistle, holding it up in the air. She presses a button on it, and as a shrill noise rings out, the Hourglass vanishes - and appears in Time-Waster Lad's hands!
"Hey, what--" He juggles the item of power-- manages to grab it, but drops the Rung of Revamp!
"GOT IT--" Mother Time leaps forward--
And the Time Crapper is there, between her and XOX, M-Plot just to the side.
"STOP."
he speaks in a voice that vibrates thru the bones of all present.
And they do.
He looks up at XOX. "What are the rules of your game?"
XOX nods cheerfully, putting one hand on her hip and pointing the other at him. "You, you get it." She looks back and forth. "It'll seem pretty familiar. Two teams, three of you versus two of you--" She points at Tweseveny. "Transform, please."
Tweseveny lets out a breath - given what happened to the Hourglass, she wasn't sure what would happen if she'd tried. "With pleasure." She presses the pink gem on her buckle, and sheets of printer paper wrap around her, bursting into her armor.
"There we go," says XOX. "And if you can get the Rung and the Hourglass both on one side, you win."
"So," says M-Plot, evenly, fists clenched. "What's the catch?"
"We're moving to a bit of a different playing field. Goes something like..." She looks at Tweseveny and pushes down the button on her Tweseveny clock, holding it down. "You play!" She looks at M-Plot and pushes her M-Plot button, holding it down. "We play!" She looks up in the air. "Let's play!"
She releases both buttons at once, and the corridors of LNHQ shake wildly, knocking everyone off their feet! The roof seems to open up, and suddenly, Tweseveny is being carried up on some kind of white, blocky platform, rising high into a sunny blue sky!
Below, she can see the corridors growing and twisting, forming a maze! At the center of the maze is the Plot Device Room, and she can see Time-Waster Lad running out of it, carrying the Hourglass - and Mother Time giving chase!
All around her, platforms like something out of a video game are rising up - and spelling out words! In fact, they're spelling out "Infinite Leadership Cry.sig"!
This is really weird!! But Tweseveny feels alive! She sees a staircase running down from the 'g', into the LNHQ, a way to help-- and she sees M-Plot standing in front of it, brandishing a blade forged from a clock hand!
"Well," says M-Plot, widening her stance. "Two powerful net.villains against one of the weakest members of the LNH. Perhaps she was on my side after all." She swings the blade around in her hand. "Tweseveny... time to meet the boss of this level!"
She charges forward, and the two clash!
Far below, the Time Crapper picks up the Rung. "Tamela, we've got what we wanted..." He watches her run down the corridor, and sighs, walking after.
Mother Time fires temporal blasts from her scythe, ranting and screaming. "You didn't mean anything you said, did you?! It was all just a trick to get me to lower my guard!"
Time-Waster Lad ducks and dodges. "I really did, tho!" He looks over his shoulder for a moment, then eeps and darts to the side, out of the way of a burst of energy that turns a original painted cel of Manga Girl into crayon art on construction paper. "I like helping! It's good!!"
"Fuck that!!" She slices thru a decorative armoire in her rage. "I don't need anything except what's mine, and that's everything! That's me and my boy! We're strong enough to stand together against the whole universe!!"
Tweseveny dances in tight combat with M-Plot! She can hold her own, but she can't push forward - can't get past to help Time-Waster Lad!
"Hear that, Tweseveny?" says M-Plot, a smirk in her voice as she thrusts, narrowly missing Tweseveny's midsection. "You couldn't make them better! They're just as bad as before! You've failed, utterly!"
Tweseveny grits her teeth. It's true, and it stabs at her, but her head is clear, for the moment, of despair, and she's thinking...
M-Plot is nothing if not smart, and... yes, she's right. The Time Crapper and Mother Time - they're beyond Tweseveny's ability to fix, and, from what he'd said, beyond any hero's. They just need to break up...
...no, not just break up. They'd already tried to push off from each other, time after time. But they're too caught in each other's orbit, helplessly spinning back together. They need to be broken up - forcefully pushed out of each other's lives, too fast and hard to come back together. And maybe they'd end up being toxic in somebody else's direction - but at least there would be a chance!
And then, a second realization - yes, she can hear that! Somehow, she can hear what's going on far down below with perfect clarity. Which means...
Tweseveny throws herself into an aggressive attack, one which M-Plot will have to focus all her skills on dodging! And she raises her voice so all can hear! "Time-Waster Lad!"
Time-Waster Lad skids around a corner, panting as he runs as fast as he can. "Y-yeah?"
"Remember!" Tweseveny shouts. "Flame Wars II!" And then she has to dodge M-Plot's counterattack with all her might!
"Flame Wars II, what--" His eyes go wide, and he glances down at the Hourglass in his hands. "They can't win if..." He smiles the smile of someone with a plan!
He takes a turn, and a turn, and another turn-- and he's back in the lobby of the LNHQ. He runs behind the desk, where he can see the whole room.
Mother Time runs in, stops short. She glares at him, scythe burning with energies, eyes flicking around, trying to figure out why he stopped.
The Time Crapper walks in behind her, one hand seething with entropy, the other holding the Rung. "Give it up, boy. We've already won."
"Yeah!" Mother Time points the scythe at him. "You're just wasting time!"
Time-Waster Lad grins wide. "Yep!" He holds the Hourglass up in the air, and focuses. Once, he was able to waste millions, billions of years. Twenty-four hours should be a piece of cake!
"What..." The Time Crapper turns, looks out the window-- sees the angle of the light shifting, shadows moving, sun lowering towards the horizon-- "No!"
"GRAH!" Mother Time tries to blast him, but the energy skitters off the surface of the Hourglass! The sun sets, the moon rises--
The Time Crapper runs forward, heedless, hoping he's in time--
Time-Waster Lad looks up in the air and waves. "Bye, Tweseveny! Thanks!"
Somewhere far away, a clock strikes midnight, and Time-Waster Lad vanishes, Hourglass of wReamThermodynamics and all.
"No..." says the Time Crapper, inches from where he'd been. He turns, and sees Tamela-- "NO!"
"I don't..." Tamela looks confused, looking off into space, seeing something else, some other existence. Around her, figures appear for a brief moment, figures of herself, a cloud of selves singing, laughing, yelling, dying, living. She looks up at the Time Crapper, eyes wide, guileless. "I don't... remember you..."
The Time Crapper grabs her hand, pulling her away from herselves, but her hand comes apart in his, dissolving into a cloud, as brief a moment as all those others; and as her existence comes apart, she, and her selves, disappear from LNHQ, and from this moment altogether.
The Time Crapper falls to his knees, hand still extended, hidden gaze staring off at where she had been.
High above, the platforms rumble and come apart, separating Tweseveny and M-Plot, as LNHQ draws back together, seeming like a building again, instead of a dizzying labyrinth.
M-Plot's platform settles down next to the Time Crapper. He stares off, in a terrible freefall as the bottom drops out of his life. Then he looks up at M-Plot, voice helpless, beseeching. "What do I do now?"
M-Plot puts her hand on his shoulder, and speaks, not unkindly. "The only thing left for you to do. The thing you've needed to do for a long time. Move on."
The Time Crapper looks down, down into the depths of the universe, and nods, once. "To the past..." He sighs. "Always to the past." He holds out the Rung of Revamp, and M-Plot takes it.
Tweseveny's platform settles across from him. "Time Crapper, wait a second..."
He looks up at her. The bitterness is gone from his vacant gaze, but so too is the hope. "Yes, Burst Beetle Tweseveny?"
"I..." She still feels the shame, but... it'd be worse if she didn't say it. "I meant what I said. You should figure out what you really want, now that... now that this is all over."
The Time Crapper nods. "Thank you. Truly. But..." He looks off into the distance. "I am afraid I have but two choices. One, to separate entirely from humanity - to become fully cosmic, and take part in that great dance. It sounds beautiful... but I'm afraid I'm too weak to choose something so noble." He shakes his head, great sadness hanging off of him. "Thus, I will take the other choice - to stay a net.villain, and seek even greater power. I..."
He hesitates. "Somewhere out there, now, she has resumed her life, with nothing left of me in it..." He shakes his head. I will not seek to bring her back to me. Thank you for teaching me that. But..."
The Time Crapper draws himself up. The shadows within his robe seem to become deeper, and Tweseveny has a strange sensation of vertigo, like she's looking into the depths of space, beyond galaxies and clusters. "In her memory, I will find the greatest powers of this cosmos, and I will take them for my own. And I will force this Looniverse to become what I need it to be." His robe blows in an unseen wind, and the lights of the lobby dim. "And the LNH will battle me, and perhaps one of them will finally, finally, tell me what I need to be. That, Tweseveny, is what I desire."
Gazing into that awful deep darkness, Tweseveny sees one more awful truth. This man isn't the Time Crapper yet. Not the one from the Cosmic Plot Device Caper, from Cry.sig, from Retcon Hour. And he was going to go back, and carry out all those awful plans, and--
"Wait, please, let's..." The words die on her lips.
"Talk about it?" The Time Crapper nods, as one by one, the lights of the lobby wink out. "No, thank you. One day, we shall talk, one last time. But for now... goodbye, Tweseveny. I hope the path you walk is better than mine."
And for a brief moment, all is dark; and when light returns, he is gone.
For a moment, Tweseveny is silent. She turns to M-Plot, and says but one word: "Why?"
M-Plot folds her arms. "Because he's going to save the world." Unlike before, she is not happy, she is not gleeful, she is simply... carrying out a duty.
"Save the world!?" Tweseveny gestures wildly. "He's going to cause so much destruction! We could have stopped it!"
M-Plot shakes her head. "He will provide a valuable counterbalance. If not for his greed, if not for his desire, the Crossover Queen would have taken this world when it was weak."
"But--" Tweseveny clenches her fist. "There could have, must have been--"
"Better women than you have TRIED." M-Plot slams her fist into the wall! "WE ARE NOT THE ONES WHO WILL SAVE HIM."
"Enough." Burst Beetle XOX is suddenly there, next to them, her arms crossed, lenses focused on M-Plot. "I know who you are. I know who empowered you. And I know what your mission is."
"..." M-Plot turns away. "Which one?"
"Both of them."
"Er..." Tweseveny raises her hand. "Could I know?"
XOX turns to Tweseveny, and there was a smile in her voice. "Not yet." She looks back at M-Plot. "She'll tell you."
"The hell I will!" M-Plot snarls, still turned away.
"Yes, yes." XOX waves her hand casually, voice lightening. "But why worry about that, when there's still just one more thing for you to take care of?"
"Ah..." M-Plot looks at her hand, still holding the Rung of Revamp. "So there is."
She holds the Rung high in the air. Tweseveny wonders-- is M-Plot going to use it to power up, give herself some new form or weapon to use in their battles?
But no. The Rung begins to glow, but its light does not spread to M-Plot's body; the Rung itself grows brighter, and brighter, and Tweseveny suddenly understands - M-Plot is using the Rung of Revamp on the Rung of Revamp!
"No longer will the Rung of Revamp simply empower!" speaks M-Plot, voice ringing with an echoing thunder. "Once, its purpose was to create a character anew, to rewrite identities! Now, it returns to that purpose! I cast thee back in time - I cast thee to - Jungle Cheesecake!"
From far away, there is a deep BONG, echoing as if reflected between great cilffs, valleys and mountains; and with each echo, the Rung's light, and the Rung itself, fades, until it is gone.
M-Plot dusts off her hands. "It will have to be found again, ere net.hero or net.villain can use it."
"So..." says Tweseveny, raising an eyebrow. "You're not just here to mess with me."
"Yes," says M-Plot, strained calm in her voice. "I have my own duties to the Looniverses." She looks at Tweseveny, and in her lenses, a resentful glow burns. "And they include ending your playtime, Tweseveny. You are a reckless, irresponsible factor in these histories."
"But--"
XOX steps between them, and looks M-Plot in the face. "Go."
"Fine." The deep BONG sounds again, and M-Plot begins to fade. "You will see me again soon, Tweseveny! Beware! Bewaaaaaare..."
XOX shakes her head. "What a drama queen."
Suddenly, the lobby doors open and net.heroes pour in, fleshy humans and mechanical duplicates alike. They crowd around the Burst Beetles, full of confusion - it seemed that they had returned from their missions during the time that had been wasted, and found themselves outside at just past midnight.
Tweseveny feels light-headed, overwhelmed, and sways on her feet - into XOX's arms. The latter hero holds her close and addresses the crowd: "I promise an explanation, but first - time out!" She presses the ruby on her head, and everything seems to freeze around the two of them.
"Oh," says Tweseveny, trying to stand up. "Very good..." She stumbles again.
"Hey," says XOX, holding her up. "You started net.heroing in the evening after a tiring day of work, and between Carolyn and Time-Waster Lad, you've spent a whole 'nother day doing things. I'm not going to say you need some sleep... but yes I am. You need some sleep."
"...oh." Tweseveny yaaaaaaaawns, wide and deep, and her armor poofs away, leaving her in that same beige skirt and sensible blouse. "Sleep... it's a weird thing for a net.hero to do..."
XOX shakes her head. "We all do it, I promise. Just, usually off-panel." She guides Tweseveny down the corridors. "I don't think Time-Waster Lad will mind you using his room."
"Heh... no, I guess not..." She stumbles along, and it doesn't seem to take them much time at all to reach the door, for XOX to open it, and help her to the bed. She kicks off her shoes, and looks up to see XOX turning to go. "Hey, wait..."
XOX turns back. "Yes?"
"Is..." She rubs at her eye. "Is this... really happening? Am I really Burst Beetle Tweseveny, or is Glenda Gwynnych just pretending to be something more?"
XOX kneels down, takes her by the shoulders, and looks into her eyes, mask to face. "You are... yourself. I can't tell you what that is, but I know this. If you want to be Tweseveny, you don't have to be On all the time. You can have human needs, human flaws, and yet be far more than what they think a human is. That's what this place, this world, is about."
Tweseveny smiles. "Yes... thank you." She reaches up to stroke the mask. "And when will you be Off?"
The smile in XOX's voice is clear thru her mask. "At the end of the game." She stands up, turns away, opening the door to leave; but lingers in the doorway, helmet turning just so, a glance back at Tweseveny; one that makes Tweseveny oddly warm inside, oddly soft, oddly safe.
"Or perhaps... at halftime."
<<<*>>>
Author's Note: Whew! Finally! @-@v Two years in the making.
So what happens with Tweseveny next? Well, my plan is for a 27-issue series, plus a big "movie" special. I have no idea how long that'll take, of course. X3 And I might change my plans along the way. But I'm not gonna worry too much - I'm just gonna have fun, as much as I can. :>
One more continuity note: I noticed that in Infinite Leadership Crisis-era stories, the Rung of Revamp increased several characters' powers without altering them. I think there might be an interesting story in how that came about, but I figured I'd leave that one open, and just draw a line under the whole deal.
Also, after I talked to confidate Emma McGill about Time-Waster Lad, she came up with a list of potential habits for him:
Hair is always a different color
Has a bunch of tattoos that he did himself (pen & ink)
Chronic Doodler
Nails are often painted with whatever is lying around
Master whittler
Definitely picks at everything
Incredible at video games
Known to just start walking in a random direction with no destination in mind
Pretty good at trick shots, lacks the discipline to go pro.
Chronic thread unraveler
Is annoyed that Criticker only has a 0-100 rating system
Has a serious TV Tropes problem
Middling bass player, mostly just likes to 'jam' in his free time
Hair is either buzzed, or a very uneven shag (he cuts it himself)
People think he's very "zen"; he isnt
Chronic list starter
Owns the most elaborate fidget spinner the world has ever seen.
Never leaves home without a ballpoint pen, Sharpie, gum, some kind of fidget toy, & eyeliner
Can turn nearly any thin, flat surface into an airplane
Can play arbitrary numbers of songs' drum lines on arbitrary surfaces
Burst Beetle Tweseveny #8: “2007: X Marks the Spot and O Calls the Shot!“
"...I see. Well." The Time Crapper smooths out his robe, stands up, and nods, solemnly, to Tweseveny. "Thank you, anyway, for listening to me. But net.villains do betray each other, and..." He spreads his hands. The plants on either side of the couch begin to wilt, and the lights seem to dim around them. "I think this is the part where I kill you and take what I want."
Tweseveny holds her fists up in a defensive pose, slides her foot back... spins around and RUNS!
She's got to find Time-Waster Lad, she's got to protect the Rung of Revamp, she's got to do something to make up for her failure! She probably can't stop the Time Crapper on her own, or even Mother Time, but if she can just hold on long enough for the LNH to come back--
OOF! She collides with a figure - Time-Waster Lad - she stumbles, grabs his arm - can see Mother Time running down the corridor behind him, screaming - pulls him along as she runs!!
It takes a moment for him to follow along, stumbling, but-- "This way!" He pulls her down a forking corridor, the voices of the net.villains just a touch softer - is the LNHQ helping them escape? - there, the Plot Device Room!
She yanks the door open, slams it shut - a padlock hanging by the door, slams it into place and pulls out the key, pulls Time-Waster Lad away from the door and into the racks of strange devices.
"Okay," says Tweseveny, panting, "we're safe for the moment. I think." The cold of failure and disappointment mixes with the jittery heat of adrenaline.
"Y-yeah." Time-Waster Lad grips the metal racks, taking a heaving breath and licking his lips. "Um... hah. They were looking for the Rung of Revamp, it's... somewhere over here I think..."
Tweseveny's eyes flick between the racks. M-N, N-P, P-R, R-S. Radiant Rollerblades, Reversion Ray Projector, Ring of Simplification, Robot Invasion Sourcebook...
There it is - a rung pulled from a ladder, made of rough-hewn red-brown wood from some unknown rainforest tree. Tweseveny reaches for it-- thinks better-- what if it revamps her? Does she want to know what it would decide she truly is?
THUMP! THUMP! Tweseveny turns - the locked door shakes, but stays closed. For now.
She turns back - and Time-Waster Lad has grabbed the Rung!
"Ah-- careful with that!" says Tweseveny, hands clenching, too late.
Time-Waster Lad shakes his head. "Why? Worst it can do is revamp me." He squeezes it tight in his grip. "Might be better, right? Might be useful."
Tweseveny hears the unsteadiness of his breath - he's full of stress and fear, completely ready to make a huge decision on the spur of the moment. She doesn't know what to do. "Time-Waster Lad, you..." She takes a deep breath. She tries, tries hard, to let out the failure and worry in her brain. "Let's sit down for a minute. Catch our breath."
"...good idea. Sorry." Time-Waster Lad gets down on the concrete floor, unsteadily, leaning against the hospital-green wall and pulling his knees up against his chest, the arm holding the Rung wrapped around them.
Tweseveny tries to block out the thumping and rattling of the door - it must be technologically or mystically protected, or they would have made short work of it - and sits down next to Time-Waster Lad. She puts her hand on the floor next to him, but doesn't touch him, doesn't try to take the Rung.
Okay. Okay. What should she say? She licks her lips. "...tell me about it."
"...I have a lot of friends in the LNH." He stares off, somewhere between the remains of the Universal Anchor and the Umbra Penultimate. "They've made it easy to be here. Safe." He shakes his head. "And they've been disappearing. Every day. Unstoppably."
Tweseveny nods. Doesn't try to push, doesn't have the strength to push anyway, just lets go and listens. "For hundreds of days."
"Right." He shakes his head. "Usually I can just stay in the background, chill, have fun, and it it doesn't really matter that I don't do anything because there's always plenty of LNHers who are strong, or smart, or have useful powers, or whatever. But now..." He pushes his thumb up behind the 'LEADER' button on his shirt, looks down at it. "Every other leader has left their mark. Made some kind of improvements. Even the terrible ones did something."
"..." Tweseveny wants to say, you did something, you helped me. But maybe that wasn't so good either...
Time-Waster Lad holds up the Rung, stares at it. "Maybe there's no room for Time-Waster Lad on this team." The flourescent lights overhead shine on its surface. "Maybe..."
"Time-Waster Lad..." Suddenly... something shifts. Maybe it's the weight of sadness pressing down, knocking over all her disorganized thoughts into a new configuration, but suddenly, Tweseveny realizes a new truth-- and what that truth asks of her!
She sits up straight. "Time-Waster Lad! I have something I have to confess to you!"
He looks up all at once, surprised. "Uh... can't say we've had a good track record with big revelations today, but... I don't think things can get any worse, so go ahead, I guess!"
"I am not simply a time traveler!" Tweseveny reaches down and pushes the red gem on her buckle, and her armor dissolves. She puts her hand on her chest, and gazes deep into Time-Waster Lad's eyes. "I am from the world beyond yours - a Writer!"
"I wrote for the LNH, Time-Waster Lad! And..." Tweseveny clenches a fist, the burning shame rising up within her. "And I gave it up - because I thought, was told, again and again, that it was a waste of time! That it would never give me money and success, and I should focus on the serious things that would! But--" The shame burns away, and underneath is a new, strange, wobbly but powerful pride! "But I found my way back! Because I realized - time isn't made to be exchanged for pennies so someone else can spend it on dollars! Time is yours to be spent! And if spending it in your own pursuits makes you happy - that's never a waste!"
"I... but..." Time-Waster Lad swallows, shakes his head. "But if I'm not doing anything with it..."
"You are!" She reaches out and places her hand on his shoulder, and squeezes, radiant with determination. "When I came here, you helped me, talked to me, we had fun, and I felt the most relaxed I have in a long time! That's what you do, Time-Waster Lad! You give Legionnaires a break from having to be On all the time! You play games with them, watch TV with them, get into long, rambly conversations about their interests!"
"I... I guess..." Time-Waster Lad runs his hand thru his hair. She can see the lines of his face softening, his brow gently furrowing as he tries to process this. "That's... well, I mean, that's nice, but is it really important?"
"It's one of the most important things there is." Tweseveny pushes herself to her feet, looks at the door as it shakes violently. "Cosmically important. The Time Crapper didn't understand how this universe could still exist, with all it's been thru - all the Writers have plugged into it, and all the flame wars they've fought over it." She looks down, and holds out her hand. "But you're how, Time-Waster Lad. You and people like you."
He looks up at her, takes her hand-- lets her pull him up. "How?"
"In my world... 'Real' comics, capitalist comics, are all big stuff all the time. They don't get to relax. They don't get a break. They think it's wasting time. But that's how people survive." A smile breaks onto Tweseveny's face. "By taking a break from the enormous and terrible things happening in the world around them, and spending their time on being happy. That's what comics are for, what the LNH is for, what you're for - to make people happy."
"Tweseveny... I..." Slowly, he smiles, and--
WRUNK! WRENCH! Their heads snap around to see the metal of the door deform, and-- KRAMMMM! Fall off its hinges!
Burst Beetle M-Plot steps over the twisted, useless metal, the Time Crapper and Mother Time standing behind her, weapons and powers at the ready. "Really, Tweseveny?" she says, stalking forward. "Are you serious? You thought you could fix their relationship in an hour?"
She gets up in Tweseveny's face, and Tweseveny doesn't flinch - altho she does, for a moment, really regret de-transforming. M-Plot growls, "Do you think this is some kind of game?"
"I sure do!"
A burst of ruby light knocks Tweseveny and M-Plot back, one into Time-Waster Lad's arms, the other to the hands of the net.villains! Both look up, stunned, as the light coheres into a humanoid figure!
The figure lands lightly on her feet, wearing insectoid armor in shining black and white! She snaps her fingers, pointing at Tweseveny, then whips her head around and points the finger at M-Plot!
"And I think it needs a referee! Someone like... Burst Beetle XOX!"
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Tweseveny reaches out to one of the narrative threads, the one that
tastes like Time-Waster Lad, and starts reading...
"...so yeah," says Mother Time. "We usually freeze time in some restaurant and steal the plates right off of people's tables. Man do they kick up a fuss! But by then we're gone."
Time-Waster Lad smiles and nods, pulling a pan out of the oven and setting it on the rack. He's dabbled in cooking before, usually making some monstrosity out of whatever could be pulled out of the back of the freezer, tossed together and heated until done. But this time, he's keeping it simple - flatbread, barbecue sauce, cheese, pizza. No matter how strong the itch to dive deep into the cupboards and try all the spices one at a time is. "I've never tried that. I guess I should some time, mwahaha." His 'net.villain' persona isn't very good, but that doesn't really seem to matter - Mother Time is mostly paying attention to herself.
"Yeah, don't worry about being original, we've basically done all the cool stuff first." She swings the Hourglass thru the air and turns a stack of protein bars into a mountain of nuts, dates, and chocolate chips. She picks out a chip and nibbles on it daintily.
Right. Waste her time! Keep her talking! It's his strength! "So, Mother Time--"
"Hey, hey." She holds up a finger. "Call me Tamela. But not Tammy, capiche?"
"Ri-- capiche." Time-Waster lad slides the pan into the oven to reset his conversational momentum. "But uh, the Time Crapper. I don't really know the guy! What do you like about him?"
"Hmmmmmm..." Mother, uh, Tamela leans back against the kitchen counter, setting the hourglass on it and the scythe against it-- whew, that's a little less nerve-wracking. "Well, for one thing, he's real powerful. I find guys who can destroy the Looniverse in a fit of rage, then repair it when they get hungry, incredibly sexy."
Time-Waster Lad took a moment to think about Kid Kirby. "Yeah, that's hot."
"Right?" Tamela grinned lewdly, then rolled her head back and sighed. "Even tho he's so powerful, tho, I've always got to be the one telling him what to do. It's like he doesn't want anything. Except me, of course, which is nice I do admit~"
Time-Waster Lad nods thoughtfully. "You know, that reminds me of someone I used to work with. Miss Translation. Or, well... you remind me of her, and the Time Crapper reminds me of me, there." He giggles awkwardly, oh dear.
"Reeeeeally." Tamela goes back to grinning. "Was she hot?"
"Er, well, it, we didn't really have that kind of relationship!" Time-Waster Lad flushes. "...but yeah, she was. And she was super dynamic - going for what she wanted, leaping without looking."
"Fuck yeah. That's what I'm talking about." Tamela snaps her fingers and spins around in place. "You gotta have things you want and you gotta go for them."
Time-Waster Lad smiles. "Yeah. Really, I've never been great at wanting things... or, like, I'll want something really hard for a week and then forget why I wanted it in the first place. But she had these big heroic goals... um, you know, back when I was a net.hero was when this all was," he clarifies.
Tamela shrugs. "Hero goals, villain goals, whatever. We all want something, right? Hey, is that pizza done?"
"Oh, just a sec..." Time-Waster Lad grabs the oven mitts (patterned with little cheesecakes and hearts) and pulls the pizzas out, sliding them onto the plates, grabbing the pizza cutter, and making four precise slices. "Ta-da~"
Tamela grabs a slice and takes a big messy bite. "Mmmm! You're good at this shit."
Time-Waster Lad smiles, a little bit of pride rising in his breast despite the multilayered stress of the situation. "Yeah, well, I mess around in the kitchen a lot."
"Noice. You know, I bet you'd make a great henchman," says Tamela, and Time-Waster Lad notices her eyeing him very speculatively...
"Ahaha, well!" Time-Waster Lad blushingly steps behind the counter and engages Distracting Ramble Mode. "That's kind of how I feel I was for Miss Translation. She had the big goals and the loud voice and I was happy translating for her and keeping the violence pointed in the right direction."
"But it wasn't that kinda relationship, huh." Tamela wiggles her eyebrows.
"Heh, well..." Time-Waster Lad bites his lip. "I mighta had a bit of a crush... But also, like... it felt like I was really helping. Like I was making a difference in the lives of people I cared about." He shakes his head. "Haven't felt like that in a while, t'be honest."
"Mmmmmm..." Tamela crosses her arms. "Me either... but like, you're a net.villain now! You can just make whatever you want happen, by force!"
"Er, yeah." Time-Waster Lad licks his lips. Let's be honestish... "But, well, so far that hasn't been all that satisfying either."
"...yeah, for me either." Tamela is looking into Time-Waster Lad's face. She seems to be taking him seriously. Should he... I mean, they're friendshipping the villains, right? What would he tell a friend in this situation?
He'd... okay, he wouldn't put down what a friend was doing. "Like... don't get me wrong, I bet Acton Lord wouldn't be Acton Lord if he didn't like being a net.villain. And Manga Man always seemed like he was having fun."
Mother Time looks off into the distance. Her face, lines smoothed, calm, thoughtful, is... nice. "...actually, didn't both of them retire or something?"
"...oh, well, fair." Time-Waster Lad rubs the back of his head sheepishly. "I hear Manga Man's back, tho... er, well, anyway. The point is..." His chest fills with breath, and confidence suddenly flows back into his secret places. "I wouldn't be Time-Waster Lad if I didn't like to kick back and hang out, watch some TV, play a board game, heck, just shoot the breeze. Y'know? That's all me."
"...damn, y'know, I didn't think someone could be passionate about doing jack shit~" She reaches out, and the hairs on the back of Time-Waster Lad's neck stand up, but she just ruffles his hair affectionately. It seems like it should feel weird, condescending, but instead it's just kinda nice.
So he gives her a nice smile. "So yeah... but uh, if this hasn't been satisfying for you, maybe you need to..." He pushes that confidence back in. "Maybe you need to look at your net.villain name and go, hey, should I pick out another one?" He shrugs~ "I mean, no offense, but you don't seem like you'd really wanna have kids?"
"...hah! Yeah, that's true. I picked it to fit with loverboy in there, but..." She frowns. "Maybe I should've just picked out one for myself..."
Yes! Good! "Like what?" Time-Waster Lad says, encouragingly. There's a sound behind him - someone's pushing the doors of the cafeteria open - is Tweseveny back? But he tries to concentrate on Tamela's words.
"...mmmm... Maybe--"
"Excuse me." Time-waster Lad turns his head in shock - that's not Tweseveny's voice!
The doors swing closed behind a new figure. She wears a suit of armor, with panels of what looks like lacquered mahogany in curves reminiscent of the shells of insects. There's gold trim at the wrists, ankles, and neck, and along each joint, with ivory inlays running the length of each panel. She wears a helmet with a faceted yellow visor, shaped to resemble a pair of eyes squinting with supercilious superiority, and a pair of ornate clock hands in a V on her forehead. At her waist, she wears a golden belt, with a buckle that looks like an analog clock face, hands at 7:20.
Oh shoot. Time-Waster Lad doesn't recognize the outfit - is she a newbie LNHer, another net.villain, something else? "Uhhhhh, hello, fellow net.villain, I was just chatting with my fellow net.villain Mother Time here--"
"Right." The figure pushes past him and stands in front of Mother Time, arms crossed. "Why haven't you gone to get the Rung?"
"The LNHQ was undefended like you said," oh shoot thinks Time-Waster Lad that's who this is "but there's a Cosmic Bear blocking the way, so Time-Waster Lad and his henchlady offered to help us until it's taken care of."
The unfamiliar person who's definitely a net.villain of some sort just stares at Mother Time for a moment. She raises two fingers and rubs the little circle on her forehead, between the clock hands. "I said it would be almost undefended. As in very few net.heroes there. As in two."
"..." Mother Time stares off into space. Time-Waster Lad can see her face tightening, and his stomach drops out as he understands what she understands, as the peppy energy and the gentle words he sent to her erode away like a sandcastle in the tide. He takes a step backwards, then another, his chest tensing.
Without looking, Mother Time reaches out and picks up her scythe. The moment her hand closes around the handle, the blade blazes with the unearthly blue of Cherenkov radiation. "You know what. I'm picking a new name. I'll be..." She turns and brandishes the scythe! "KILLER OF STUPID JERK TIME-WASTER LAD... WOMAN!"
"eeeeeeeengh FRICK!" Time-Waster Lad throws himself backwards, heaviness in his belly spinning sickeningly, and bolts out the swinging doors. Mother Time grabs the Hourglass and gives chase!
The unfamiliar person watches them go, leaning on the counter, shaking her head and muttering to herself. "'There's a bear'? Come on! That's the oldest excuse in the book, next to the old cat-ate-the-ocarina gag!"
She straightens and turns, towards the reader, lenses looking through the words that you're reading to meet your gaze. "And as for you..."
Tweseveny, lulled into the reverie of being a reader, startles out!
The shape of the narrative is changing, turning, someone pushing her
way out! Tweseveny pulls her perspective back, pulls herself back to being a character experiencing the story from within - but suddenly she's staggering back from an unfamiliar figure - no, she's very familiar - she's staggering back from Burst Beetle M-Plot!
"What--" says Tweseveny, back hitting the wall, hand going to her belt buckle. "How!?"
"A little messing with narrative framing shouldn't be that complicated for a writer." M-Plot spits the word like it's made of phenylthiocarbamide. "Time Crapper." She that focused gaze on him. "She's lying, distracting you from getting the Rung. She's hoping for the LNH to return and stop you."
The Time Crapper stills. His faceless gaze turns to Tweseveny, and in a voice that's consciously held steady, but has a certain husky sadness to it nevertheless, he says, "Is this true?"
"...I..." Tweseveny bites her lip. She feels like dirt. She's failed to make a new friend, failed to support someone in trouble... now all she can do is fight another iteration of the same old battle.
Enough - she owes him an answer. She presses the pink gem on her belt buckle, and long sheets of old-style printer paper appear from nowhere to wrap her in a cocoon. The cocoon bursts to reveal black armor with amber trim, a helmet with a visor shaped like wide green eyes, shoulderpads shaped like a stylized 2 and 7, and a crest on her forehead in the shape of a V. She faces him, and slides into a defensive pose, fists up.
"...I see. Well." The Time Crapper smooths out his robe, stands up, and nods, solemnly, to Tweseveny. "Thank you, anyway, for listening to me. But net.villains do betray each other, and..." He spreads his hands. The plants on either side of the couch begin to wilt, and the lights seem to dim around them. "I think this is the part where I kill you and take what I want."
<<<*>>>
Drew "wanted to do even more reader-Tweseveny stuff but couldn't fit it in" Nilium
Burst Beetle Tweseveny #6: “2007: The Mother of Necessity and a Short Backstory of Time!“
Content warning: suicide, toxic relationships, murder, and just a bunch of depressing stuff! Also, unreality.
<<<*>>>
Tweseveny smiles, watching Time-Waster Lad and Mother Time head down to the LNHQ's cafeteria, and turns to the Time Crapper, rubbing her hands. Time to friendship this motherfucker!
"So," she says, sitting down on the comfy couch next to Time Crapper I - but for now, he's the only Time Crapper she's got, so she'll just call him that! "Can I ask you a few questions, time-travelling net.villain to time-travelling net.villain?" Her disguise is perfect!
"Certainly, but... I figured you'd know all about me, having met me in your past - so you said." The Time Crapper seems just a touch skeptical! Oh shoot! Time to prevaricate!
"Well, uh, it was clear that we'd talked a lot in your past, so I decided to avoid a time paradox by waiting until I met past-you!" Her logic is flawless!!
"...yeah, that's the kind of nonsense I've been running into." The Time Crapper sighs, leaning back, putting his feet up on the coffee table before them. Ooooh, what a villain move! "Ask away, please."
Yesssss. Let's take it back to where this relationship must've started... "How did you get started off as a net.villain? Did it have anything to do with getting the Ring of Retcon?"
"The what, now?" says the Time Crapper, tilting his head a bit. "Uh, no. I..." He taps his arm. "A lot of my past isn't there anymore. When I used the Rung of Revamp... well, anyway. I still remember why I did this. Still remember... her." He looks longingly off towards the doorway Mother Time walked down, and slips into a gentle monologue.
"We met at a physics lecture. Time travel, of course. She was wearing..." His shadowed face seems to show a soft smile. "This mismatched outfit that didn't make any sense, and these glasses that would have looked dowdy on anyone but her... and Lisa Loeb." He chuckles. "And she was even more beautiful than Lisa Loeb."
"Awwww!" Tweseveny claps her hands! Yes good, cute backstory, excellent place to start!
The Time Capper smiles and nods. "Yes... there was a Q&A at the end, and she asked a couple of amazing questions about what was possible. Things I'd never thought of before. And after the lecture was over, I found her, just wanting to mention how good those questions were... And, well, we fell to talking."
"She was so into the idea of time travel. I was into physics because I was good at it, but she talked about all the things she'd do with it, all the things she'd get. And she seemed like the kind of person... the kind of person who deserved them, because she was forward, and powerful, and beautiful."
"Gosh," says Tweseveny, admiringly. Okay, she thinks, that “deserve" thing sounds like it might go in a bit of a Bad direction, but that's exactly what she's here to help with!
"We started talking a lot... I guess I didn't have a whole lot of other people to talk to, it's... hard to remember, really. And I got... enchanted with the idea of making time travel real. She made the idea feel so alive."
"Awwww." This is super swee--
"So I ended up stealing an experimental pinpoint wormhole generator, and the campus's sample of the Sands of the Ancient Days, and using my experimental physics theories, combined them into the Hourglass of wReamThermodynamics."
...okay, so, that's less sweet, thinks Tweseveny. And stealing is bad. But a lot of net.villain backstories are like this, so let's see where this is going.
"And I came to her and offered to show her all of time. And we had a good time, for a while, but..."
"But?" says Tweseveny, folding her hands on her knee in a 'listening' pose. Okay, getting to the meat of the problem!
"She didn't really want to see things, she wanted to have things." He shrugs, putting his hand on the back of his neck. "I loved seeing the pyramids being built, Florence at the height of the Renaissance, Woodstock from the front row. But she's not like me. She doesn't care about the past. She wants tomorrow." He reaches out, into space, closing his fingers. "In her hands."
"So we started doing some crimes, freezing time, stealing stuff, bringing it back to the hotel. Playing tricks on people. Messing with time, even. But..." He shakes his head. "It wasn't enough for her. And we had a fight, and we broke up, and..." He pulls in a huge breath, sighs. "I realized, or felt like I realized, that I'd been wrong. That she deserved all of the things she was asking for, of course."
"Ah, I don't..." That definitely doesn't sound true - but how to say it without sounding like a jerk? Oh lord, thinks Tweseveny, friendshipping villains is harder than I thought!
And it seems that the Time Crapper hasn't noticed the interruption! "I wished I could just go back and undo what I'd said, the mistakes I'd made. Do it right this time. And then, I realized... I could."
"Ah," says Tweseveny. Oh boy, thinks Tweseveny.
"I went back to shortly after we first met, and found myself, and, well..." He sighs. "I absorbed that timeline. And ended up feeling all those painfully strong emotions again, all the desire and need and hope from when we first met."
"Sounds hard," says Tweseveny, hoping that, at the very least, commiseration will help.
"Yeah. It was." His voice is harsh, thick, but he clears his throat and continues. "Anyway, I found her and introduced myself as the Time Taker, and said I wanted her to be my partner in crime. She laughed, looked me over, took a sniff, and said, 'More like the Time Crapper'. And I said, 'Okay, the Time Crapper then.' And, I don't know, she seemed... impressed by how willing I was to go along with what she said?"
"And we started stealing things, and making plans to steal bigger things, and I just kept following her lead. And it was good for a while, and then she was like... hey, I'm in charge here, the Hourglass should be mine." He shrugs. "And, well, I was trying to give her what she wanted, so I gave it to her. She started calling herself Mother Time, and used the Hourglass to get even more powerful temporal devices. And went up against the LNH, and, well, lost." He shakes his head, lost in his thoughts. "And you know, it happens. We'd been keeping under the LNH's radar before, but her new plans were bigger than that, and she wouldn't just take the loss and keep going. She broke into the Brenton Island Nuclear Power Plant, trying to make the Hourglass more powerful... and she took a lethal dose of radiation and died."
Tweseveny grimaced. "Oh, I'm... so sorry."
"Yeah. And..." The Time Crapper's voice wavered, turned husky. "I knew it was my fault. If I hadn't let her charge off alone like that, she wouldn't... she would still have..."
At least Tweseveny knew what to do here - moving over, and wrapping the Time Crapper in a tight hug, ignoring the screams of protest from her nose.
"..." The Time Crapper seems to waver on the edge of some kind of defensive anger, some net.villainous outburst... but instead, releases it, and relaxes into the hug. After a few moments, Tweseveny lets go, and the Crapper sits up. "I was at my worst moment, and contemplated... well. Dark things. I couldn't see a path forward..." He sighs, that deep husky pain flowing out of him. "But, in the end, I managed to pull myself out of it."
"Ohhhh?" queries Tweseveny, hoping...
"Literally. I-- that is, the Time Crapper-- came to me, to whoever I'd been when I wasn't him, and without speaking, gave me the Hourglass, and vanished." The Time Crapper leaned back, contemplatively. "If not for that... I might not have continued."
...oh. Oh no. It's all coming together now in Tweseveny's head; to avoid the pain of loss, he had sucked himself back into this cycle, again and again.
"So I decided to... well, try and help her with those problems," says the Time Crapper. "Proactively."
To fix her, thinks Tweseveny, watching as the narrative took its terrible shape.
"I got some self-help books, read through them, and realized that, you know, of course I'd been enabling her. I figured she needed someone who would push back on her bad habits instead of enabling them."
"Right, and that's a great idea..." says Tweseveny, voice rising cheerfully... and then faltering into, "...and I'm guessing you're gonna tell me how it went wrong."
The Time Crapper chuckles self-deprecatingly. "You're getting it. I showed up, all dramatic, and introduced myself as the Time Crapper. I told her she was destined to be a powerful force in the universe, and that I would be her mentor. I played up the powerful cosmic wisdom thing." He shrugs. "She didn't really buy it, but she went along with it for the power, you know."
"And, well, it worked for a while, we stole a lot of stuff, fought the LNH a few times, I managed to hold her in check... aaaaand..." He lets out a long breath. "And she tried to take the Hourglass and I killed her."
"...I'm so sorry." Tweseveny squeezes his shoulder.
"Yeah, so was I... that was the first time I tried to commit suicide."
Tweseveny winced. "Ah."
"I decided to do the traditional thing and jump off a bridge. The LNH showed up to stop me, of course. All of you..." He breathes harshly, rasping against his lips. "Fucking do-gooders..." He shakes his head, a wave of bitterness passing, and looks at Tweseveny. "Present company excepted, of course."
"Er... of course," says Tweseveny, wishing there was some kind of rock she could crawl under right about now.
"They talked me back from the brink, and I had... some new, stupid idea about how to fix things. And I went back, and did it again, and it failed again. I decided I had been right the first time, decided to jump from something higher. The LNH came in again and I got grief counseling from a kiwi. Got a new idea. Fucked it up again. The LNH came in again, over and over..." He sighs. "I've killed myself so many times. So many selves, and I just kept taking my own place."
Tweseveny stays silent, pinned under the thick layer of pain streaming off the Time Crapper, unable to do anything except Be There and let him vent his trauma.
"Finally, I came up with some kind of ridiculous plan about rebooting the universe and waited for the LNH to get to me again, just so I could have someone to talk to about it. Thankfully, the LNHer who came to talk to me was Cynical Lass."
"Thankfully?" says Tweseveny, grasping at the slender straw of positivity.
"Oh yes. She cut right thru my bullshit, and made me realize - the things wrong with our relationship were things I just couldn't change. They were fundamental things about myself and about Tamela that would make us end in tragedy no matter what parts of the situation I tweaked."
"Ah!" Tweseveny perked up. "That sounds like a very wise thing that's extremely worth listening to. Uh, for a net.hero."
The Time Crapper nods. "Right. That's when I gave up."
Tweseveny smiles! Yes, he'd finally made a breakthru that-- wait. She glances off in the direction Mother Time went. She turns to the Time Crapper. "And then?"
"..well." He rubs the back of his head. "Dismal-Hope Kid was putting me in the holding cells here, and then I appeared to myself again."
Shit.
"I offered myself a source of enormous power. Enough power to change those fundamental things, about myself and about her."
Shit shit shit. "The Rung of Revamp," says Tweseveny.
"Right." The Time Crapper takes a deep breath, and sits up. The weariness and depression seem to fall off of him. Something bigger, older, fills his form. "I took it, and it..." He lets out his breath. "It took away my past. Replaced it. With a connection to entropy. The waste disposal system of the universe."
Holy shit. Cosmic shit. Tweseveny sits up, remembers that she's not just a sympathetic ear, she's a net.hero on a mission. Shiiiiit.
"That's where the smell comes from. It started showing up whenever I used the Hourglass, but now it's become part of who I am. I didn't need the Hourglass anymore - the power was internalized." The Time Crapper looks off again, but not into his own past; into deep space, the fabric of the universe. "I realized how fragile the universe is. That's why I hadn't managed to fix things. Everything is so delicate. People are so delicate. This universe..." He shakes his head. "I don't know how it still exists. How it holds itself together."
"Somehow it does, tho," murmurs Tweseveny. Probably a bad thing for someone who can smash spacetime to be talking about how fragile it is.
"Somehow it does. Maybe it's because of the net.heroes." He shakes his head. "Still... I tried to warn Fourth Wall Lass about all I could see, with my new awareness. She took me seriously, at least. Then I decided to leave the universe to its own devices and focus on Tamela."
"Of course," says Tweseveny. Maybe she can find a new place to help these two from that angle, but God, how's she even supposed to start? "What did you do?"
"I went and I found... the best bits and pieces I could find, from all of the times I've been with her, made an amalgam of those. The Hourglass is holding it together, but it's not stable." He clenches his fist. "If she thought about her memories, she'd realize they don't make sense. But she doesn't care about the past." He looks at Tweseveny, and his gaze is focused, somewhere beneath the shadows. "She wants tomorrow."
Tweseveny swallows. Great, swinging back to megalomania! "And what's tomorrow?"
"...well." The Time Crapper sits back, placing one hand over the other. "Once we get the Rung of Revamp, it will stabilize her timeline, like it did to me - collect her into a new, coherent self."
Oh-- of course. That was the plan all along - use the Rung to "fix" things. Another plan, like the ones he'd already failed with... and he could probably see that, but...
Ugh, thinks Tweseveny. Yes, friendshipping villains is definitely harder than she'd thought. If he's failed so badly at fixing himself, how can she possibly hope to do it?
"Then..." The Time Crapper ponders, gaze still on the superstructure of the universe. "I don't know. Maybe we can evolve past our human flaws, into cosmic entities." He shrugs! "But at least I'll have a version of her that... wants to be around me."
Tweseveny licks her lips. Maybe... maybe she needs to be more blunt! "Time Crapper... may I be blunt?" Okay, a little more.
He snaps out of his reverie, looks at her with that unseen gaze... gives a firm nod. "Absolutely. Seems to be what I need, anyway."
God, what should she say, how should she say it-- just be honest, just open up and say what comes to mind! "Even if you make a verson of her that wants to be with you..." Tweseveny draws a deep breath thru her nose and squares up! "Are you sure you should be with her? Are you sure that-- with everything you could do with this new cosmic power-- that that's what you want!?" She coughs slightly as she gets the earnest plea out.
The Time Crapper looks at her wordlessly for a moment; she can almost feel thick waves of emotion wafting off of him, anger, regret, genuine thought. Then he turns away, his shoulders lowering, his hands on his knees. "I'm not sure, really. You're right. But... after all I've done on this path..." He shakes his head. "Without her, I'm a monster. With her, I'm something. Even if that something is still a monster, for what I make her into."
Hoo boy. Well. That was Tweseveny's last shot. What now?
She wishes she had some way to see what Mother Time was saying. Maybe there's some kind of miscommunication here. Something she needed that he wasn't fulfilling - maybe the reason she wanted to commit crimes in the first place? Maybe. If only...
She feels a little tingle at her belt, and looks down. The little yellow gem on her belt is flashing, and she reaches down and, quietly, presses it...
And suddenly, she isn't in the story anymore. She's reading it - so
rt of. She can see-- feel?-- smell???-- threads of narrative, like
individual pages ripped from a book and taped back together into a
film strip, rolling by the light of her viewpoint and projected ont
o the screen of reality.
Tweseveny reaches out to one of the narrative threads, the one that
tastes like Time-Waster Lad, and starts reading...
<<<*>>>
Author's Note: The versions of the Time Crapper and Mother Time that show up in the Infinite Leadership Crisis and 58.5 are kind of all over the place, often implying mutually exclusive backstories. And honestly? It's more interesting that way - those stories do a lot of fascinating things that don't need to be held back by tying them to a strict canon. But this is my attempt at stitching together Arthur, Rob, and Lalo's interpretations into something coherent. And we're not done stitching yet...
Ahhhhh. god. After all the ways Kamen Rider Zi-O dangled interesting character arcs and plots and more often than not got distracted by shiny but meaningless spectacle before they could finish, here, we have a self-contained story that's all character, with just enough spectacle to get that fun feeling in.
In this V-Cinema (the way cooler Japanese term for "direct-to-video"), Geiz is in the spotlight, and we get to see what the history reset - a recurring plot device in a lot of fantasy series that rarely gets explored in and of itself - actually means. He's a lot happier in this world, Sougo and Tsukuyomi are just straight-up close friends, but he's still driven in a way that's just a bit unhealthy, and that's what the story's about. Sougo himself is de-emphasized (he doesn't even transform until the big climactic fight), but that turns out to be a good thing; in a supporting character role, he gets to be the most goofy, upbeat, feelsy version of himself, all the most fun parts, and it absolutely shines. Tsukuyomi gets some good character time in too; she's a bit of a nerd, but real supportive, and also a bit goofy. (They could've gone deeper, tho, and I really hope that the next Next Time focuses on her.)
Plus, the plot actually plays fair and makes sense, with the Rider cameos put into context (leaving just enough ambiguity to be interesting), the purposes of the multiple factions clearly laid out at the end, and an actual resolution of at least part of what White Woz's deal was in the first place.
It's nothing that's going to shake the heavens, not one of the best Kamen Rider stories ever, but it's nice and straightforward and gave me exactly what I wanted after the series.
Burst Beetle Tweseveny #5: "2007: The Web we Weave and the Things Up Our Sleeve!"
Tweseveny and Time-Waster Lad, at the LNH reception desk! Two figures, one young and manic, the other hooded and smelly!
"That's right," says the hooded figure, working enthusiasm into his voice. "The devilish duo of trans-temporal terror!"
The woman raises her hourglass! "Mother Time and the Time Crapper!"
Tweseveny rolls into a fighting pose, hand just above the transformational buckle at her belt! "The Time Crapper, again!?"
The seeming Time Crapper pauses in his dramatic posing, as Mother Time looks up at him, confused! "...again?"
"...oh, no, sorry, right," says Tweseveny, shaking her head. "You're a different Time Crapper than last time." This wasn't the nihilistic avatar of the dark future that she'd faced alongside Carolyn Forge [in Burst Beetle Tweseveny #2-3 - Cyber Footnote Girl]; there were many time-traveling net.villains who - for reasons of their own, Tweseveny supposes - take up the terrible name of the Time Crapper! As a time traveller herself, it makes sense that she's crossing paths with them!
This one... she thinks back to the Infinite Leadership Crisis that she's currently in, and the LNH stories about it. He's supposed to be a version of the very first time Crapper, right? She labels him in her head as Time Crapper I.
Mother Time steps forward aggressively. "My babe's the only one with that stupid name, thanks."
That confirms the 'very first' thing, thinks Tweseveny, but she only vaguely remembers Mother Time. Hadn't they broken up? Repeatedly, in a confusing time-travel manner? Perhaps this is before that?? Oh, does she wish to have the Eyrie Archive on-hand!
"I'm sorry," says Time Crapper I, taking half a step in front of Mother Time, "do I know you?"
Well, Tweseveny remembered the early Crapper stories well enough - Cry.sig, Retcon Hour, the Cosmic Plot Device Caper, so... "...yeah!" She nudges Time-Waster Lad, and whispers, "Play along!" She straightens up and chirps, "I'm a time traveler too, and your future's my past!"
Time-Waster Lad blinks thoughtfully at Mother Time. "...didn't we play World of Warcraft together that one time?"
Mother Time blinks, and her eyes light up, a hint of a genuine smile playing over her edgy pose. "...oh hi, how are you?"
"Well," says Time Crapper I, straightening and putting on a deep, properly villainous tone that echoes thru the lobby, "I certainly hope you aren't going to get in the way of our ascension to power!"
Tweseveny immediately resolves to get in the way of their ascension to power! "No, of course not," she says, "I am absolutely of gray morality myself, definitely. But, ah, what is your quest?"
"Some quest for a ring of power," says Time Crapper I, getting into it, gesturing grandly! "But we quest... for a rung of power!"
"The Rung of Revamp," says Mother Time, grinning. "We got a hot tip that the LNH would be almost undefended today - only two net.heroes on the premises. So we're gonna break into the Plot Device Room and power me up!" She lets out a snotty cackle, whipping her hair around like a swish of silver!
A hot tip... no, it can't be-- no, it probably actually is Tweseveny's nemesis apparent, Burst Beetle M-Plot, sending not one but two powerful villains to battle her. Though Tweseveny's only tangled with her once, it absolutely sounds like the kind of thing she'd do!
But perhaps she can beat them at their own game! She senses the emotions swirling in this strange, mixed-up couple! Hot dog! Perhaps she can foil this plot simply by talking the plotters through their problems! Wouldn't that put a rocket up M-Plot's caboose!
Tweseveny shakes herself out. Right, one step at a time. "Well, no problem from us! Ever since, um, Time-Waster Lad went mad with power and took over the LNH, we haven't seen a single net.hero."
"Took over the LNH?" says Time Crapper I, looking at Time-Waster Lad with new attention from under his hood - attention under which the young man squirms!
"Yeah, he's the leader now," says Tweseveny, pointing. "See the button?"
"Oh, huh," nods Time Crapper I. "Fair."
"Then there won't be any problem with getting the Rung of Revamp!" Mother Time cackles in glorious triumph!
Mother Time, Time Crapper I, and Time-Waster Lad all turn to look at Tweseveny, blinking in confusion. "...a bear?" says Time Crapper I.
"Yeah, the, uh, Cosmic Bear, from, um, the Big Dipper," speaks Tweseveny, prevaricating desperate fabrications off both cuffs! "It got into the Plot Device Room to take... the Cosmic Honeycomb, yeah. The automated defense systems are driving it off, because we don't, um, don't want to go fight it ourselves, because the fight scene would draw in net.heroes. Really inconvenient, we should have it out of the way soon, sorry."
"Oh. Well..." Time Crapper I turns his hidden gaze to Mother Time, shrugs a bit, then turns back to Tweseveny. "I suppose that's all right."
Mother Time looks slightly rankled, wrinkling her bejeweled nose. Time Crapper I sets his hand on her shoulder. The malefic mistress of chronological chaos wrinkles harder for a moment, then lets out a little sigh and puts on her big maniacal grin. "I guess that's okay. After all, we've got all the time in the world!"
"Haha yeah," says Time-Waster Lad in an extraordinarily fabricated cheerful voice. "Hey, could you two sit tight for just a minute, I have to go speak to my, um, henchman, Tweseveny could you just..."
He takes her wrist and pulls her off into the coat check, and whispers urgently inbetween the Neon Trenchcoat (from Easily-Discovered Man's attempt at joining the Net.Trenchcoat Brigade) and the Inside-Out Overcoat (from Pocket Man's attempt at putting a pocket inside a pocket). "Good job getting them to stop for a second but now what do we do?"
"Look," says Tweseveny, putting her hands on his shoulders. "I know from, uh, time that these two have this really messed-up relationship. So!" She smiles confidently! "What we do is, we talk to them, and we get them to come to some..." She considers for a second. "Like, some good emotional realizations about why they're doing this or such. And then they probably won't want to be net.villains anymore!" She gives Time-Waster Lad a thumbs up!
"...you really think that'll work?" Time-Waster Lad's skepticism face is a thing to behold!
"Maybe! But!" Tweseveny points a finger in the air. "Also, if we keep them talking for long enough, the other net.heroes will come back from missions and help us stop them!"
"...okay, fair," Time-Waster Lad admits. "But I don't think I can get two net.villains to sit down and talk forever!"
"If anybody can, you can!" Tweseveny squeezes his shoulder and leans in, whispering with passion and determination! "Time-Waster Lad, this is your strength! It's worth something very real - in this moment, you are the net.hero we need!"
Time-Waster Lad's eyes go wide and sparkly for a moment - he shakes it off, but a smile remains. "Okay. Well..." He peeks thru the crack, watching the two sitting on one of the foyer's comfy waiting couches, Mother Time murmuring something into the Crapper's invisible ear. "If we wanna talk them thru relationship stuff, we've got to separate them. I'll take Mother Time, and you take the Crapper, if that's okay."
"Right!" Tweseveny throws open the door of the coat check, walks up to the two net.villains and claps her hands. "You must be hungry, I know how hard it is to keep track of mealtimes when you're zipping back and forth thru the temporal stream. Illustrious leader, why don't you take Mother Time to the cafeteria, while I stay with the Time Crapper so he can know when the Cosmic Bear's done?"
Mother Time looks them over with a suspicious eyebrow! But Time Crapper I puts his hand on her arm, and she glances at him, and the edge of her lips curls up. "I could eat, yeah." She pushes herself up off the couch and walks over to Time-Waster Lad, crossing her arms. "Which way?"
"Uh, this way," says Time-Waster Lad, mind whirling. Okay, engage the villain in a time-consuming discussion. Easy peasy. You've done this a bunch of times. "So..."
"Yeah?" says Mother Time, taking him in with a calculating gaze that, despite his years at a net.hero, makes goosebumps crawl up Time-Waster Lad's limbs.
Waste a moment yourself, an extra couple seconds taking her in, and... focus on the interesting thing! "Sorry, it's just that I love your palette. The silver and purple go really well together."
"Oh!" Mother Time startles back a touch, unused to unprompted compliments! "Well, thank you. I accessorized around the Hourglass."
"Of course! You want your net.hero, er, your net.villain persona to be coherent. I'm not great at it myself," admits Time-Waster Lad.
"Oh, I think it really expresses the concept of 'wasting time'..."
Tweseveny smiles, watching them head down the hallway, and turns to her quarry, rubbing her hands. Time to friendship this motherfucker!
<<<*>>>
Author's Note: "Oh hi, how are you?" is a Bob's Burgers reference.
If you're the kind of person who likes TV shows about detectives, you may know that, in the well-known detective series Columbo, the title character's wife is often mentioned but never seen. And if you're the kind of person who pokes at interesting bits of media history, you may know that at one point, the network attempted to make a spinoff about said wife, without approval or input from anyone involved in the original show, and that it failed hard, going thru four different titles before being cancelled.
Now, that's already a lot. But Mrs. Columbo is simultaneously a better show, a worse show, and a weirder show than all that implies.
For one thing, it's really three different shows. (With four different titles; from my research, "Mrs. Columbo" and "Kate Columbo" seem to have both been used for the first season, maybe in different markets? and "Kate the Detective" and "Kate Loves a Mystery" for the second season, but also there's a version of the second season titles with "Mrs. Columbo" - possibly from syndication?? Network TV politics are weird.)
The first show takes up the five episodes of the first season. Kate Columbo is a housewife married to an always-offscreen policeman. But she's got lots of energy and lots of brainpower, and keeping up with the house and her daughter just isn't enough. So she pushes her way onto the reporting staff of a newspaper that's mostly ads, and thru sheer pluck, ends up solving murders!
The format of Columbo-the-show is a reverse whodunit; we see the setup and execution of the murder, and then the focus stays mostly on the murderer as Columbo pieces together the mystery, the jaws of the law slowly grinding shut around them. It's really interesting - but it takes a long time for all the detail work and cat-and-mouse banter to pay off, with your average Columbo episode being an hour and a half long. The first version of Mrs. Columbo tries for a similar format, but other than the pilot, the episodes are half as long, making things feel rushed even tho it takes forty-five minutes to get there. And, to be fair, these are all plots that could've very much worked in that longer format, to the point where I have to wonder if they were filmed that way and then cut down when the network changed its plans.
But the bigger problem is casting. Now, don't get me wrong, Kate Mulgrew is a delight and I will watch her in anything - she's easily the best thing about this whole experience. But in 1979, she was twenty-three years old, and Peter Falk was fifty-two. Furthermore, she has an eight-year-old daughter, implying some extremely uncomfortable things about when exactly this whole marriage started. Now, we can assume the character is older than the actor, but it still feels very weird.
Plus, there are a lot of dudes who are condescending towards her, in a way that's supposed to show her badassery by rising above it, but really ends up feeling like all professional women need to justify their existence. And she ends up in peril way more than a comparable male character, and there's a weird emphasis on her as a housewife-reporter-detective Doing It All, and... yeah, a lot of weird little sexist aspects.
Now, all those problems admitted. These episodes are still, on the whole, interesting. The narrative has sympathy for all the murderers to some degree (except for the uncomfortable queer serial murderer in the pilot), and Kate is the kind of character who can express that while still calling them out on their bad behavior. I feel like the best episode is the second, where Kate's old mentor and inspiration murders someone on the spur of the moment to conceal a decades-old failure, and acts genuinely human in the way he sloppily covers it up. This could have found its footing and become a show that actually worked.
However... In the second season, they revamped the show dramatically. She's now Kate Callahan, divorcee, working more seriously for a more "real" newspaper, and often butting heads with the local cops as she chases her leads. And it's... awful?
This has all the problems of your standard cop show, with all of the sympathy for those who Break The Law vanishing and being replaced by a thin veneer of slime. But it's also horrifyingly sexist, all the small unpleasant elements of the previous show ramped up to deeply uncomfortable levels. There's a recurring cop character who's always undermining and undercutting her, even when she's already been proven to be right, who is also, somehow, a love interest. She's in peril in every episode, her reactions amped up to the point where I genuinely worry for her mental health after all this trauma. And most of these episodes involve some other female character who's treated terribly by the narrative for her choices. Plus, judgment ladled out towards sex workers and the mentally ill alike!
This lasts for five episodes, and even such a short stretch was really hard to get thru. Thankfully, the last three episodes are the best of the bunch, way better than I expected after all of that.
And the thing is, it's not another whole-hog revamp, just a change in how it's written. The cop-love-interest is still snarky, but in a friendly way, and genuinely supports her among his fellow detectives. The barely-mentioned divorce gets brought back up and fleshed out, revealing that it was a personality incompatibility and that they're still friends. The format goes back to the Columbo-esque how'd-they-do-it, but re-jiggered to fit in the time slot, with a focus on Kate figuring it out. And best of all, the murders and murderers themselves become incisive takes on real social problems. The best is episode 6, where a candidate for Congress murders an old partner in crime, and ends up shouting at the end about how much less her life was worth than his.
But it's too little, too late, and the show ends unceremoniously. Honestly, I feel like, if they had dropped the explicit Columbo tie-in, this show could've worked really well - take the formula and tweak it like the last few episodes did, keep the basic premise of a nosy everyday woman with a powerful mind, and you have a female-lead detective show coming way before Murder She Wrote. As it is, it's a testament to how much less entertainment executives know about storytelling than they think they do, and a weird little precursor to Kate Mulgrew's later successes.
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Burst Beetle Tweseveny #4: "2007: The Limits of Infinity and the Time on One's Hands!"
With a PWEEYOOM! a pair of burning tire tracks blasts across the asphalt, and in a stream of flashing colors, Burst Beetle Tweseveny appears!
"Aha! Back to action, and... um..." Tweseveny is alone in a back alley, her only companions a garbage can, a recycling bin, a soiled, broken bottle of Mister Paprika Code Indigo that was clearly supposed to have gone in the recycling bin, and a poster for a slam poetry event. "Hm."
She looks around carefully, and pushes the little red gem below the clock face on her belt, armor disappearing in a burst of amber light. "Well, I suppose one should explore before jumping into a situation."
Burst Beetle Tweseveny takes two confident steps out of the alleyway! And a newspaper flies thru the air and smacks her in the face! "Ackpth!"
She flails around blindly, trips on a banana peel (left there by fellow time-traveler Comedic Banana Peel Man, visiting from the 1940s), and falls backwards into a pile of trash bags.
She peels the newspaper carefully off her face. "Oh... ow." She stares up at the sky for a while. "...ow."
...she stares up at the sky for another while. "...didn't think this sort of thing happened to net.heroes."
Burst Beetle Tweseveny heaves a big sigh, gives a crooked little smile, and stands up. "But I'm still here, and still free." The fingers of her left hand stroke softly over her belt buckle and the phone inside. With her right, she holds up the newspaper and squints at it. "April... 272nd? Wh-- Oh! Of course, this is 2007! It's the Infinite April!"
<<<*>>>
Every day, the Legion has a new leader! Every night, at the stroke of midnight-- they disappear!! Over the days and weeks of an unending April, the Legion struggles to uncover the mysterious force causing them to disappear one by one! Will the dwindling forces of net.heroism be able to overcome this Infinite Leadership Crisis--
--before the last Legionnaire vanishes?!
<<<*>>>
She hops to her feet, tossing the newspaper aside and running her hands thru her hair. "Well, well! It makes sense that if I traveled to 2007, I'd hit April - it was over a year long! What an event!" She looks around, limbs filling with enthusiasm. "So! First off, I'm going to need a shower. But where will I find some good samaritans who will be open to helping out some random person?"
She turns, looking across the street, and her gaze falls on a building that takes up a whole city block, a building shaped like a cross between a grand hotel and an upside-down computer monitor, a building radiant with the spirit of heroism - the headquarters of the Legion of Net.Heroes, literally right there in front of her!
"Ah!" She grins, striding confidently forward through the revolving door! Within, an expansive, sunny foyer, studded with friendly succulents and the Spectacular Spider-Plant, and featuring a large, round desk in the middle, with an "INFORMATION" sign hanging above it!
And there, sitting behind said desk - a friendly-faced young Hispanic man! His hair, a faded pink with dark roots and a shaggy, uneven cut! His T-shirt, white, with doodles all over it in various colors of marker, continuing onto his skin as temporary tattoos in pen and ink! Two of the nails on his left hand are painted neon green, and three on the right are ebon black, all ten with gold sparklies on top! On his shirt, a handmade button that says "LEADER" in purple sharpie!
He looks down at his phone, brow furrowed in concentration! "C'mon, c'mon, daddy needs a Fanficuno..."
"Bvwmeep!" The young man slams! the phone on the desk, sitting up straight. "Hello, nice to meet you, my name is Time-Waster Lad, interim leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes, how can I assist with your emergency?"
"Er..." Tweseveny blinks in momentary startlement, and then a return to solid purpose! "I was wondering if I could take a shower here!"
"Oh!" Time-Waster Lad sags in relief. "Sure, definitely. We have some community showers in the Non-Peril Gym that Weight-Lifting Lady had built when she was leader. C'mon, I'll show you down!"
Time-Waster Lad guides Tweseveny through a door at the back of the foyer, leading to a long hallway. So long, indeed, that Tweseveny can barely see the other end - it seems a football field away, far far too far for the building she'd seen on the outside, and she thrills! The transcendent, ever-changing architecture of LNHQ! She gets to experience it, in person, as a person!
Today, the carpets are lush and thick, in bright colors speckled with triangular patterns, like a bowling alley. The walls are a cheerful sky blue, but in the distance, seem to shift towards a soft pink. Dozens of doors line the hallway, labeled as leading into various rooms; "Monitor Room", "Plot Device Room", "Peril Room", and many others. Dozens of other hallways intersect with it, often at strange and improbable angles. It is lit with warm LEDs, and occasionally, a geographically improbable window to let in the sunlight.
"There certainly don't seem to be many LNHers around today," says Tweseveny, admiring a framed portrait of Tsar Chasm in a Napoleonic pose.
"Ah, well, they're all out on missions," says Time-Waster Lad, twirling a lock of hair. "It's been a while, but remember that press release we put out back when April didn't end?"
"Oh," says Tweseveny, a slight blush of social mistakery coloring her cheeks, "actually, I'm a time traveler - I just landed today. But I'd heard about the Infinite April before."
"Oh, okay, neat," says Time-Waster Lad, as used as any veteran net.hero to temporal shenanigans. "Well, we've been having a lot of trouble keeping up on missions as our team keeps disappearing. We've got those robot duplicates Dr. Stomper made before he disappeared, but they're..." He bites his lip, clearly trying to come up with a diplomatic description! "They're not exactly 100% on the acting right. So we keep them for the small stuff. But most of the team is out doing one net.hero thing or another."
"Gotcha gotcha. It makes sense that the leader would hold down the fort!"
"...haha, yeah, it sure does..." Time-Waster Lad gives a little cough and walks thru an open doorway, into a locker room tiled in warm, bright colors, with birdsong piped in in the background.
"Super swanky!" comments Tweseveny, picking out a particularly bright shower with a rainbow mosaic, stepping in and closing the door behind her.
"Yeah, Sing-Along Lass said that even exercise can be cheerful and nice." Time-Waster Lad takes Tweseveny's clothes as she passes them over, and puts them into the super-speed washer-dryer Domestic Lad had installed when he was leader. "No use putting dirty clothes on a clean body, that's what he told us."
"Excellent advice! You certainly seem to be a good listener!" The warm water cascades over Tweseveny's tired muscles, and she feels her body relaxing, invigorating, mmm!
Time-Waster Lad smiles, leaning against the wall. "Thank you! But it seems like I only listen to the stuff that isn't important. If someone's giving me an order, it slips right out..." He stares off into space, humming musically for a couple minutes. "...oh!" He starts, straightening up. "Sorry, I started just... talkin' about myself!" He rubs the back of his head ruefully.
"Hah! That's all right," says Tweseveny, soaping herself off - gosh, you get sweaty fighting net.villains! "People say I'm a good listener too, and I gotta tell you, I don't mind lending a helpful ear."
"Aw, you're super sweet!" He runs his hands thru his hair, relaxing. "Still, I didn't ask - what's going on with you?"
She works shampoo into her hair, her scalp luxuriating in the stimulation. "I've been bopping around thru time a bit, and just kind of landed in this month."
"Oh man!" Time-Waster Lad shakes his head. "That's not surprising, it's so friggin' long! Like, I was supposed to go for my ADHD screening at the beginning of May, but..."
Tweseveny smiles, filling her voice with encouragement! "Well, I'm from the future, so I know it'll end eventually!"
"Sure," says Time-Waster Lad, with the tones of someone who is trying to be positive but has heard this all before. "But is it our future? Contraption Man said this never happened in his timeline, and Kid Kirby poked at a bunch of alternate timelines before he vanished and couldn't see an end to this."
Tweseveny hums in thought. She's actually read this story, so she knows how it will turn out, but-- actually, come to think, could this be some kind of Elsewhirl, an alternate-universe story? She hasn't considered the metafictional implications of her visit - and there's the lingering suspicion that, sometime soon, she will wake from this sweet dream of being powerful and fighting for good...
She shakes herself out. Dream or not, she's in the story now! "That's fair. So, as today's leader, how are you dealing with it?"
"Heh, well, everybody who can do work right now on the disappearing leaders problem already is, it seems like? So I'm just manning the des... ohhhhh biscuits I forgot I was running the desk! Frick frick frick..." Despite the cuteness of his euphemistic swearing, Time-Waster Lad is clearly freaking out!
"Oop!" Tweseveny turns off the water and does a quick pass with the towel! "Time-Waster Lad, before you continue freaking out, could you please pass me my clothes?"
"Frick frick frick sure..." Time-Waster Lad pulls open the dryer and tosses the clothes underhand to Tweseveny, then starts pulling on his hair. "Daaaaah..."
"Thank you!" Tweseveny gets dressed in a right hurry. She needs to get something more suited to a net.hero than beige skirts and sensible blouses, but there's no time for that now! Boldly, she steps out of the shower, takes Time-Waster Lad by the shoulders, and shakes him a bit! "Snap out of it, man!" Gosh, she's always wanted to say that!
"Sorry, sorry, sorry, I just, I just, I just--"
"Snap out of it more than that, please!" Tweseveny grabs a bucket, sets the shower to Breathtakingly Cold, fills the bucket, rears back, and--
"Okay no I think I snapped out of it now!!" Time-Waster Lad throws his hands up in front of his face.
"Oh, good." Tweseveny puts down the bucket and sweeps Time-Waster Lad into a hug! "It's okay! We shall go back to the desk together and Hang Out and Talk and Relax."
"mmberf" After Tweseveny lets go, Time-Waster Lad draws a deep breath into his body, spreads his hands, and lets the cloud of panic disperse. "Okay. Cool." He shakes out his head. "Thanks."
She takes his hand, and together, the two of them walk back down the corridors of the LNHQ. Tweseveny stays quiet, giving Time-Waster Lad time and space to breathe, to consider, in the sunlight of the nice day, in the warm breezes of the architecturally improbable windows.
As they pass the Plot Device Room, without preamble, Time-Waster Lad speaks. "I miss Miss Translation."
"Miss Translation..." Tweseveny pokes at her memories, of reading the older LNH series, scrolling through her news feed in delighted glee... "She was the alien who had a hard time speaking English, right?"
"Right. Once you learned her dialect, though, she was really easy to talk to. Together, we headed up a whole subgroup, one of the smaller teams within the LNH. She was the one who leapt forward and made things happen, and I was the one who took his time and made the plans and make sure things would work out." A great sigh heaves its way out of Time-Waster Lad's lungs. "And then... we lost a teammate. And the whole team got kicked out. Except for me." He runs his hands through his mop of pink hair. "Because, I guess, the Ultimate Ninja... didn't think I was one of them."
"Ohhh..." Tweseveny feels the weight in Time-Waster Lad's belly. The casual dismissal of the leadership he had been proud of... "I'm sorry."
"Yeah." The corridor ends, and the two of them are back in the foyer. "And then, just to kick everything in the pants?" Time-Waster Lad vaults the back of the reception desk and turns to face her. "They all got lost in space."
"Gosh," says Tweseveny, and means it, leaning her elbows on the desk, putting her face in her hands, and looking up at him. "That's painful."
"Right?" he says, and sighs, flopping into the rolly chair. "Starts-Arguments-For-No-Reason Kid and Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl are back now. Not sure what the story is there... I think they might not remember it, but they definitely don't want to talk about it. When Limp-Asparagus Lad was leader, he sent out invitations for them to come back, along with a lot of other inactive former LNHers, and they did." Time-Waster Lad leans his head back and kicks his feet up, pressing them into the edge of the desktop. "But Ultimate Ninja might just kick them out again when he comes back. If he comes back." He blows a breath out loose lips. "And that was my last experience being a leader, sort of."
"Time-Waster Lad..." Tweseveny reaches for him... but her hand curls in a fist. She doesn't know what to say...
A throat is cleared on the other side of the room. "I'm sorry..."
Tweseveny and Time-Waster lad look up, roused from the depressing discussion! There, having just come in the door - two figures!
One, a tall woman in her early twenties, in a glittering silver dress, pale silver hair with a deep purple streak, an amethyst nose piercing, and high heels. She holds up an hourglass full of silvery sand and grins in manic confidence!
The other, a figure in a hooded robe, his face cast in constant shadow no matter how he moves! His body is hidden by the rich brown fabric, its texture sumptuous and expensive, yet continually exuding a noxious smell; starting off subtle, yet getting stronger by the moment!
"...but is this a bad... time?" the woman finishes, a maniacal glint in her eye!
"You're..." says Time-Waster Lad, eyes widening in recognition...
"That's right," says the hooded figure, working enthusiasm into his voice. "The devilish duo of trans-temporal terror!"
The woman raises her hourglass! "Mother Time and the Time Crapper!"
<<<*>>>
Author's Notes: Finally, Tweseveny returns!
There's a lot of reasons it took me almost two years to come back to this. A two-part storyline ended up ballooning to six parts, as I found more things I wanted to do with it, in terms of emotions, continuity, and cool shit. The continuity required a lot of research, and the emotions required a lot of heavy lifting. But it's done now, and I'm proud of it - I hope you will be too!
In re: Contraption Man: In the first Infinite Leadership Crisis issue, Contraption Man shows up yelling "No future!" and then goes into a coma, but he shows up perfectly okay later. I thought about commenting on that situation, but frankly, I'm going to be doing a lot of continuity-stitching in this storyline, so I'll save that for some other ILC insert.
"berf" as a sound effect of something mildly discomfiting happening is stolen from Questionable Content.
Time-Waster Lad created by Raythrax, Not Reserved.
The Time Crapper created by Jef Kolodziej, Free For Use.
Mother Time created by... shoot, it's not on the wiki. It's Arthur, right? In LNHCP #43? And I'm pretty sure she's Not Reserved and/or Free For Use??
My immediate thought is that I would recommend this to anyone who likes '80s werewolf movies, even if you're not familiar with Kamen Rider or tokusatsu superheroes.
My larger thought is: God, this is weird. It starts with a feel much like '80s werewolf horror, adds in mad science, spy intrigue, superhero tropes, action movie tropes, and weirder stuff. It's delightfully overstuffed, with much more going on than in most of the movies it feels like (probably in part because it was meant to be a setup for a TV series that never happened), and I'm not even getting to the astounding nonsense of the last half-hour.
There are definitely problems; the love interest's role feels unfortunately fridgey and objectifying, and there's a little too much of an '80s action movie in this, where you can revengemurder someone and still be a hero. But if you can get past that, it's very worth it.
Continuity note: This story takes place after the LNH moves back to the LNHQ.
Er, whenever in continuity that is.
---
High atop the mast of a pirate ship on a storm sea, sail flapping in the intense wind, thunder booming overhead! On one side stands the cunning humanoid ocelot woman known as Pantra, dressed in a strategically ripped 18th-century midshipman's outfit and wielding a rapier! On the other, the blue-skinned aquatic vampire monarch, Princess Caramella, dressed a strategically ripped wedding dress in shades of red and wielding a cutlass!
"So!" said Pantra, shouting to be heart over the wind and rain. "This is to be our final sexy battle!" She held out her blade, the force of the tempest lashing
her outfit against her form!
"Yes!" said Princess Caramella, holding her sword out with one hand, bending low in a wuxia pose. "The sole victory goes to whoever dophinishes on top!"
As one, they sprung forward into battle, swords clashing even though that doesn't make sense and the cutlass would just break the rapier, right? But nevertheless, they battled, looking into each other's eyes with passionate determination, chests heaving with effort, locked in a deadly tango that left no room for Jesus!
"Ho! Ha! Parry! Thrust!" Pantra spun, turned on a dime and leapt, hot-blooded feline reflexes carrying her into the thick of it!
"Float like a butterfish, sting like a ray!" Princess Caramella executed an elegant twist, spinning the wrist, blade dancing and shimmering!
They whirled past each other, a breath apart, the edges of their outfits caressing each other, then turned and thrust as one, blades meeting, bodies leaning in, staring defiantly into each other's eyes, faces so close they could feel each other's hot breath!
Swoosh! Several feet away from the mast, a door of glowing light opened in the middle of the wind and rain. Asma Abdul, AKA the prodigious Powerpoint Transition Lass, stepped thru-- "Like, whoa!"
Princess Caramella and Pantra pushed off of each other, and each took two steps back. "Peril Room!" called out Pantra, mouth in a confident smirk and not taking her eyes off the Princess. "Pause scenario!"
The rain and ship and waves froze, and Asma found herself standing on what looked like thin air but felt like metal tile. "Er..." She looked up at the two contenders, who were panting with exertion, virtual water dripping from their outfits, and felt her own temperature rise. "Hey, Princess, didn't know you were visiting, far out... what's, uh, what's up in here?"
Princess Caramella gave Asma a confident smile that highlighted her single large fang, and wiped the sweat off her brow. "We're shellebrating the finale of She-Ra with a cutthroat battle!"
"A super sexy one!" said Panta, holding her sword lazy to the side, tip twitching
in time with her tail.
"Oh. Uh." Asma eyed one, then the other. "Well, you're, um, you both look totally righteous, but... have either of you ever actually watched the show?"
"Nope!" said Pantra cheerfully.
"Never," said Princess Caramella firmly.
"I just know it's about a sword princess fighting a cat lady and people think
they should kiss!" Pantra declared, grinning at Princess Caramella and getting a grin right back.
"Oh like radical," murmured Asma, ears burning. "Um..." A sudden thought struck her. "But Princess, not to pry, but is your wife okay with--"
A subtle but noticeable 'ahem' reached Asma's ears. She turned, and in midair, saw Explain-the-Joke Lass, Princess Caramella's wife, relaxing on a lawn chair, munching popcorn, avidly watching even tho her glasses were completely fogged up.
Explain-the-Joke Lass swallowed and said, simply, "I ship it."
----
Author's Note: I also have never watched She-Ra. X3 I probably should.
Kamen Rider Zi-O is a frustrating show, a flawed show, and a show that, in many ways, was compromised from the start. And yet...
There are so many times when this show is unsatisfying, something that felt like an interesting tension that could break with fascinating results instead dissolving into nothing along the way. But when it's satisfying, it's really satisfying - as if, in that moment, it really could channel all the narrative energy of the twenty years that came before it.
Sougo Tokiwa is an incredibly good character. He's an absolutely sweet and kind person who wants to help everybody, and succeeds in his missions thru empathy. But you also get to see the righteous anger that same empathy fuels, the point where his kindness becomes the kindness to help the many by opposing the one. And the initial tension of this show is that this super kind, super nice person somehow becomes Oma Zi-O, Lord of Time, the dictator who destroyed the world. And how does that tension resolve?
...well... it, uh, kinda doesn't. There are a few really good stories that bring up the idea that Sougo's anger goes deeper than we see, that he has powerful feelings of frustration and resentment against a world that doesn't respect kindness and empathy. But the plot kind of wanders off from this conflict after the threat of the Day of Oma - the day that Oma Zi-O rises to destroy and conquer - is put to rest. ...not that we get a really good idea of how that works, mind you, or what was the trigger for Sougo becoming Oma Zi-O in that timeline. Or why Woz has come back to make sure that Sougo becomes Oma Zi-O. Or what timeline the alternate White Woz was trying to create in place of Oma's. Or...
Yeah, there's a lot that, again, never gets meaningfully resolved. And in a series where the big plots were the most interesting part, that would absolutely ruin it. But thing is, the meat of Kamen Rider Zi-O comes on a smaller scale. It comes in impressive moments, in fun and interesting character beats, and in two-parters that stick the landing on telling their own story. Some of them show off Sougo's personality, or, occasionally, Geiz's or Woz's. Some bring back the strong themes of a previous Rider series and make a statement about the themes of this series using them. And some just do something really fun - the kind of stuff I watch Kamen Rider, a series full of transforming superheroes and colorful explosions, to see.
There's also a feeling as if... the writers wanted to do more, resolve more, give not just small moments of delight but big ones, and the pressure from Toei executives who just wanted the teens and tweens watching to Buy All Our Playsets and Toys kept it from happening. It's clearly shown that the writers are capable of setting up and resolving major plot points, and so many things are hinting at something greater. There's a series of short behind-the-scenes comedy sketches that pokes fun at the production - that's stopped less than a third of the way thru the season. And the plot of the big non-crossover movie feels almost like an alternate universe that gives a resolution to some of the things that never get resolved in the series - then quietly declares itself non-canon at the end. I'd love to read a behind-the-scenes tell-all about what the heck happened here, but I doubt I'll ever get the chance.
All of these characters deserve a better plot. (And Tsukuyomi deserves to be the character she is in her most interesting moments. So does Uncle Junichirou, for that matter.) But for me, the good bits kept me going thru the mediocre ones. That's definitely not going to be true for everybody. But if you like the idea of a show where the main character is absolutely sweet, totally empathetic, just wants to be friends, and is fantastically divorced from everybody else's consensus reality, I'd say give it a try!
This is such a weirdly bad movie. Despite being made by career professionals, both established names at the time and people who would go on to be well-known, it feels like what you'd get if you gave the reins to people who had never seen a comedy or a musical before, and who were equally inexperienced in writing scripts and writing lyrics. The jokes are badly constructed, but you can tell they're trying to be cartoonish and over-the-top - but the weirdly social-realist cinematography and the gray-and-brown sets make it feel like a coat of wacky exaggeration over a story about trying to survive in crushing poverty. Of course, if that were true, the story would at least have a theme.
And then there's the songs. And like... Harry Nilsson was a successful songwriter, right? He did the lime in the coconut, all of that? And the songs in this movie come along every three minutes, there has to be one of them that's good, right?
...there has to be one of them that moves the plot along, at least?
...how about one of them that expresses something in any way? ..."I'm Mean", you say. It's about how Bluto... is mean. And it's the best-sung song in the film.
sigh Okay. Well, the third act is a little better - we get away from the songs and away from the dreary sets, into the beautiful Malta sea, and there's swordfighting and a giant octopus. It's still not good (when I think Popeye, I sure do think swordfighting!) but it helps perk you up after the slog of the first two acts, letting one really appreciate the sheer weirdness of the flaws on display here. Recommended for people who enjoy overanalyzing bad movies, and, um, nobody else.
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As someone who grew up on Star Trek: The Next Generation, who had it shape a lot of my thinking about utopianism and science fiction even as I grew to understand its flaws, and who has had a lot of problems with more recent incarnations of the franchise, I enjoyed this tremendously.
The centerpiece is, of course, Sir Patrick Stewart, and god, being in a bunch of terrible children's movies and American Dad episodes has not dulled his acting in the slighest - indeed, he's sharper than ever, bringing rich depth of character and emotion to the little scenes as well as the big ones. But despite playing the title character, he doesn't hog all the spotlight. There's an entire cast here who get complicated, fraught, human characters to play and bring them to full life.
The plot starts off in a place that's very 2010s-prestige-TV-y, and gradually blossoms into full Star Trek literature-of-ethics. Its view on Jean-Luc isn't as worshipful as you'd expect for a show named after a nerd icon a generation grew up on; the premise of the series is based in how he failed, how he was failed by others, and how he compounded those failures by giving up. But it's also about how one makes up for messing up - by acknowledging it, asking forgiveness, and doing your best to make things better whether or not you get it. And it's not just Picard who travels thru this lesson; characters fail and move past it all throughout the plot, including some old favorites who show up.
And for that matter, Starfleet and the Federation itself are put thru this test - made to realize that they've failed not just Picard but the peoples of the galaxy, and forced by their best people to do something to make up for it. I feel like this is ultimately the weakest of the thematic pillars of the series, the narrative not making room to show Starfleet as an organization making the steps forward our main cast has. But I think that the more important of that is in here - the feeling like a Good Future is still possible, that our institutions can be turned towards helping us, if we fight for it, if we're loud and unreasonable about caring about the people who matter the least. And that's a message we absolutely need to hear right now.
Kamen Rider Zi-O: Over Quartzer tries to make some very good points in some very muddled and confusing ways, muddled further by the sheer amount of "appreciate our corporate-owned trademarked signifiers" stuffed in. The idea that history isn't what's written down in history books, and the truth of the past may be different than what we learn; the idea that you make your own narrative, and the one you were assigned isn't your fate; and the idea that consistency is less important than just telling a good story - all good and meaningful points, and in this story, all smooshed together without enough focus to actually make any one of them coherent, then tied up in a bow with a Kamen Rider Drive tie-in that doesn't even make sense even within the story as written.
Like a lot of Zi-O, whether you enjoy this will be based on how much you're invested in Sougo as a character separate from all the franchise stuff. Over Quartzer manages to make an important point about him as a character halfway thru... and then ignores that point until the two-thirds mark, when it's the defining idea of the climactic transformation... and then ignores it again thereafter. Sheesh, y'all. Sheesh.
