i think i’ll kill myself one day
the pain i live with feels unbearable at times.
like i couldn’t possibly go on another second.
you don’t know this but, i begged to be killed the week after it happened.
curled up in fetal position in the corner of a tiny room hidden inside another room, on a bare mattress.
pleaded with an even worse man than you to please just kill me.
told him i could not handle the pain and the shame which you have left.
cried about how dirty i felt, no matter how hard i tried i couldn’t wash you out of me.
it’s been nearly a year now, these feelings haven’t gone away.
i suppressed them for months as much as i could, but they’re back now. and i think they’re here to stay.
so i know, one day the shame will consume me.
one day, i will kill myself.
