dont worry abt it @unpopcorned - Tumblr Blog

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Lux is used to being used.

He’s like one of those Barbies his sister used to play with when they were younger. She would make them do whatever she wanted - speak, sit, sleep. Dress them however she pleased, often times made two dolls fall in love and kiss each other. Lux sometimes found himself enraptured when watching her, it was like a movie and his sister could be very imaginative.

Maybe that’s what she did to him. Maybe he was like a doll for her to dress up and groom and trap inside of her Barbie Dream Home. It’s not like he minds, really. It’s not like he has any room to protest anything.

He can’t move. He can’t speak. Not without his sister’s permission.

He’s fine living like that, though. Or maybe, he just doesn’t know any other way. That’s probably why him and Eden became such fast friends. She’d attached to him immediately after spending one night together. She’s bossy and loud and it’s overwhelming just being around her. She’s messed up too, things have happened to her too, and Lux thinks she’s too upset to talk about them.

He can taste it in her kiss, her anger. From the way she talks, from the way she glares at anyone who’s stare lingers too long, from the way she throws a handful of pills into her mouth and tries to take the easy way out. It’s not that he blames her, but Lux is a little too selfish to let go. The two of them are inseparable. But - like he said - she shares a lot of similarities with his sister.

He remembers waking up a few times before to find Eden on top of him, pulling him from his boxers, and pressing against him eagerly. As if she needs his warmth, as if she can’t get enough. Lux is okay with that, he’s okay with holding her when she needs him to. It’s always been like that for him.

There’s another instance where he can remember passing out at a party. A party that he’d gone to because Eden had begged him. He doesn’t recall much from the night, but he’d managed to curl up on the couch and fall asleep, despite the loud music. When he’d woken up, he remembers unfamiliar hands on his hips, lifting him and unbuckling his jeans. It was a guy - a guy he didn’t know, but Lux hadn’t done anything to stop it. Arms felt too heavy, tongue was rooted to the top of his mouth. And he’s used to it, he’s used to this.

Being someone else’s toy.

It’s gotten to the point where he can’t look at his own reflection anymore without feeling nauseous. He’s removed all of the mirrors from his apartment, and when Eden had asked why, he merely shrugged it off. He feels like a stranger in his own skin, reduced to nothing but bones and flesh, almost like a complete empty shell. Days pass by him in a blur - days soon stretch into weeks and then months and then years. His life is practically swallowed whole in no time at all. He feels stuck in motion, stuck in one single time-frame.

Things kind of shift though soon after his twenty-second birthday. Eden invites him out, she’s the only one whoever does, the only one who takes the time to consider him at least. And he goes, because he doesn’t want to disappoint her. There’s not much for him to do - he smokes and drinks and takes a hit of whatever there is to offer.

He loses sight of Eden pretty quickly. She’s much more of a socialite than he is, she knows a lot of people. But she comes back after he’s alone for around half an hour, tugging someone behind her. That’s the night he meets Tanner. Eden and him fight like cats and dogs, but they kiss like old lovers.

Lux watches them for a moment, but it feels almost intrusive. Until Eden is pulling away from Tanner, leaning over and capturing Lux’s lips into a kiss next. It’s a familiar feeling to do this with her - swells tight in his chest and makes him press up into it. He’s always kind of starved for this, for a shred of attention even if it may not seem as so. Her fingers are warm and lingering, fisting into his jacket and yanking him closer.

She’s done before Lux is, giving him a subtle smile when he stares at her, “Tanner’s a really good kisser.” Is that his name? Lux sits up straighter in his seat, curious and aware, “Go ahead.”

Lux lifts his head, looks to see that Tanner is staring at him with dark eyes. He’s the one who takes the initiative, dipping his chin and leaning closer to Lux. He meets Tanner half way, lips press tentatively at first, and then more firmly. It’s hard to stop after that - because Eden’s right, he is a good kisser. Soon, it’s tongue and teeth and the taste of smoke and Lux is a little too greedy to get all that he can.

Eden’s smile has grew by the time they’re finished, watching the two of them for a moment before she’s standing again, “C’mon.”

Tanner does the same, meeting Lux’s once more before he’s following after her. For a few seconds, he’s left staring after them.

And then he’s up.

.

He sees Tanner off and on again after that.

He knows next to nothing about the guy, except his name. He guesses there are a few things he could list off - he doesn’t like talking about himself, he eats a lot, he has a bad temper, and he’s good at sex. Lux doesn’t mind having him around, people come in and out of Eden’s life all the time, he doesn’t think this will be much different. Lux watches the two of them argue a lot. One moment, they’re at each other’s throats and the next they’re trying to get the others clothes off. Lux joins sometimes, and other times he leaves. He wonders if they have sex alone a lot, he wonders if Eden really likes Tanner.

Even in their dynamic, he still has this overwhelming feeling that he doesn’t belong. He feels like that almost everywhere though, with everyone.

On a Tuesday morning, he wakes up sore and groggy. And the space next to him is empty, blankets ruffled and thrown off the side. No wonder it’s so cold. Lux rubs at his face, sits up after a moment, takes a look around the room. There’s clothes all over - some definitely aren’t his. From what he can see, Eden’s panties are resting on the corner of his bed, along with a stray unfamiliar sock.

He can hear footsteps though, and so, Lux leaves his bedroom - down the hallway, only for the bathroom door to open. He runs right into Tanner, who looks a bit surprised to see him up. After further inspection, Lux can see it looks as if Tanner was going to leave soon; he’s already dressed besides his shoes.

“Mornin’.”

Lux only nods, keeps his chin dipped low.

“Eden already left. Said she had shit t’do.”

“Okay.”

This feels a bit strange, because he’s never really had the chance to talk to Tanner by himself. There’s always Eden between the both of them, sucking up their attention thoroughly. There’s been a couple of times where their eyes may meet, or when they kiss - Tanner might whisper something, or Tanner would laugh at something and glance at Lux and it would make him feel more included. Other than that, their communication has been very limited.

“Y’don’t talk much, hm?”

Lux looks up then, blinks at him tiredly.

Tanner’s mouth screws slightly to the side, “I was gonna head out soon anyway,” A pause, and then he says, “There’s no mirror in your bathroom.”

Lux glances past his shoulder, to the ajar bathroom door, then back to Tanner, “I took it out.”

“For what?”

“...I broke it,” That’s a lie, and it leaves a bitter aftertaste on his tongue.

Tanner doesn’t look interested enough to push it though, he merely shrugs it off. Scratching at his eyebrow, seeming to think, “Wanna get somethin’ to eat?”

The two of them end up doing just that - getting Chinese from a few blocks down the street. Tanner is better at using chopsticks than Lux, though. Lux fiddles with his own, he isn’t that hungry but he thinks it would’ve been a little rude to just decline. Picking at his food, he glances up to see Tanner is busy stuffing his face, meeting his gaze quick.

“It’s just Lux?” When Lux does nothing but stare at him, Tanner elaborates, “Your name, it’s just Lux.”

“ ...no. Luxen. My mom really likes dead languages, she used to be a teacher. And...Luxen is just the Latin form for Lucas.” She always used to tell him when he was younger that his name was very important - his name meaning man from Luciana, which is a region towards southern Italy. He remembers telling his friends excitedly all the time what his name meant, he wonders where all that energy went.

“Huh,” Tanner is staring at him still. Lux’s never been good when it comes to eye contact, he keeps his focus on his food instead. He opens his mouth, as if testing the sound of his name on his tongue, “Luxen.”

“Just - Lux is fine,” he tells him, gives up with the chopsticks for now and resorts to a fork instead. It’s silent between the two of them again, and Lux has a feeling that it’s not supposed to be. He’s not used to being in these types of situations though - when was the last time he sat down and ate with someone at a table? Or kept up small talk? It feels weird, “Are you and Eden friends?”

Tanner looks up at the question, almost chokes on his food. His coughing dissolves into snide laughter after awhile, almost biting, “No,” Lux doesn’t say anything, “Don’t know how you can stand bein’ around her all the time.”

Unceremoniously, he shrugs his shoulders, but keeps quiet.

Tanner bites at the corner of his mouth, “I don’t mean t’be an asshole or nothin’, but - no offense, she’s a cunt.”

Lux’s expression slightly relaxes, if he weren’t so tired, he might’ve smiled. If only a little. They finish eating fairly quickly - well, Tanner does and Lux doesn’t finish his so he gives the rest to him. Then the two of them sit outside together, Tanner pulls a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, his lighter isn’t working so Lux lets him borrow his.

He blows out smoke through his teeth, “Fuckin’ freezing.”

Lux looks up, studying his side profile to see he’s looking out towards the street. It’s still early in the afternoon, not a lot of cars out. And the air is biting, he has to curl tighter into himself to stay warm, “...do you live near here?”

Tanner clenches his jaw, doesn’t face him, “No.” And says no more than that.

“Okay.”

Lux doesn’t know why he’s lingering around him, he thought Tanner would bolt as soon as they were done eating - as he usually does. But they sit pretty close together on the stoop, and Lux finds himself staring at him sometimes. Tanner is interesting to look at, he can see why he caught Eden’s eye. Dozens of tattoos from what Lux can remember, each one almost overlapping others.

After awhile, he’s offering the cigarette in Lux’s direction, meeting his eyes briefly. Lux takes it after a moment of hesitation, bringing it to his lips. Inhale, exhale. He needs something a lot stronger to wake him up, but it helps with the heavy weight that settles over his chest every morning.

They don’t talk anymore, and it’s not a particularly bad silence - but Lux knows if Eden was there, there wouldn’t be any quiet. He can’t help but wish he could be more like her, normal. Speak more, actually look people in the eyes for once.

“‘M gonna head out,” Tanner finishes off the cigarette, tossing it to the side and stepping out the ashes, “Need’a do somethin’.”

“Okay,” Lux says again, watches him for a moment, “I--” His voice becomes stuck in his throat when Tanner’s dark eyes come back to him, “Thanks.”

Tanner’s lips pull down into a subtle frown, but he’s not displeased, “For what?”

“Eating with me.”

Tanner stares at him for a little while, and Lux drops his eyes. Finally, he rubs at his nape, looks away, “See ya’.”

“Yeah.”

Lux listens to Tanner’s footsteps until they’re drowned out by bypassing traffic.

.

“Your hair is long now. Have you thought about cutting it?”

Lux is very aware of her hands on his shoulders, fingers touching his nape gently. She treats him a lot like a spooked animal - like one wrong graze of her hand will scare him. He guesses she’s not completely wrong in that aspect. He doesn’t shy away though, keeps his eyes trained on his shoes while she helps him remove his jacket.

“Yeah...” He murmurs when she steps away, hanging it up for him, “But I don’t really have the money to get it cut.”

“I’ll spot you,” His sister tells him, smiling over her shoulder. He watches her until she disappears into the kitchen. She’s looking more and more like their mom as days past. The same sandy-blonde hair, same freckles, same pear-shaped figure. He remembers when people didn’t believe him when he said they were siblings, different enough where he seemed aliened compared to her, “Did you want me to make you something to eat?”

He trails after her slowly, finds her in front of his fridge. She’s putting away things, like she lives here. And she might as well, she visits every couple days to restock the kitchen and make sure he’s still kicking. She’s the reason there’s food in his stomach, a roof over his head. He can make no complaints when it comes to her coddling nature.

She turns her head, spots him staring at her over her shoulder, “Did you hear me, Luxen?”

“Yeah,” he says, “It’s fine. I’m not hungry.” Plus, he doesn’t want to keep her. She does more than enough. And she smiles at him, stepping away from the counter when she’s finished with everything. His sister is so much more shorter than him, but somehow he’s almost urged to fall to his knees in front of her. She holds so much power over him, and he knows she’s more than aware of it.

“Are you sure? You’ll lose weight again if you don’t start eating more. I don’t want you going back to...” She seems to consider her words, head cocking slightly to the side as she regards him, “How about I leave a little extra so you can order something later? How’s that?”

Lux doesn’t say anything. Because he knows she’ll do it anyway. It’s not like he has much of a voice when it concerns her. That’s how it’s always been between them. She finds her purse, rummages through until she finds a few bills. After they’re placed on the end table by the couch, she returns her attention to him, lighthearted smile coming to her face.

“Mom was asking about you again. She doesn’t have any recent pictures of you, so I gave her a couple of mine,” Lux is still silent, rubs anxiously at his jaw when her smile widens, gentle as always, “Don’t make that face. She...cares, Luxen. She wants what’s best for you, just like me.”

His tongue feels heavy, “I know.”

“Good,” Rising onto her tiptoes, she presses her lips to his cheek soundly, lingers for only a moment before she’s pulling away, “See you on Sunday, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“You, too.”

He walks with her to the door, she touches his shoulder briefly before opening it. To both of their surprise, someone is already standing in the hallway. It’s Tanner, looks as if he was just about to knock. His sister’s expression dampens, flickering her eyes over the expanse of Tanner’s appearance - taking in the amount of his tattoos, Lux is sure.

“Hello,” she speaks first, folding her arms over her chest, “I believe you have the wrong--”

“Hey,” Tanner directs his greeting at Lux. His eyes lift, stare right back at him - Tanner looks tired, hands shoved within his pockets, “You didn’t show up last night.”

Lux doesn’t get a chance to reply, his sister does for him, “He was with me. And who are you? Luxen, you know him?”

“Tanner,” Lux says, she gives him an ugly look when he says his name, Lux wants to cringe, “We’re...friends.”

“You sure know how to pick them,” she mutters, eyeing the other in the doorway. But, she doesn’t linger - she shrugs on her coat and looks directly at Lux, “Sunday. Don’t forget.”

“Yeah.”

Lux watches her go, she walks briskly down the hallway and to the stairs. She’s gone pretty quickly. And then he’s looking back to Tanner, and he’s surprised to find he’s already staring back.

“Who was that?”

“Ah. My sister,” For some reason, it feels strange saying it out loud.

“You guys don’t look alike.”

“Yeah. I know.”

He lets Tanner in though, he has no reason not to. He’s half-expecting Eden to come walking in after him, but for the first time, Tanner is alone. It feels a little strange to be alone again, but Lux closes the door after him.

“Y’didn’t come ‘cause her? She ground you or somethin’?” No, but Lux has a difficult time saying no to her. He says nothing, only continues to watch Tanner out of the corner of his eye, “She’s a fuckin’ drag, can already tell.”

“Eden’s not with you,” Lux observes, glancing back towards the door.

“Yeah,” Tanner looks annoyed, like he didn’t want to bring her up, “She was bitchin’ all night. Ain’t the best company, don’t know when to shut up.”

Lux is beginning to notice that Tanner has little to no filter - he says what he wants, when he wants. And he wishes he could be a little more like him, wishes his palms didn’t become clammy and his tongue didn’t stick to the root of his mouth so much. He can tell Eden grows tired of Tanner’s attitude though, and his sister definitely thought he was bad news. Lux likes it about him though, at least he knows Tanner is honest.

“Sorry I missed last night,” Lux tells him, leaning against the wall beside the door. Unlike Tanner, he hasn’t moved deeper into the apartment. He has this urge to keep by the doorway, just in case his sister has forgotten something and comes back. He doubts it though, she’s such a busy-body, “Was it fun?”

“No,” Tanner says, “I was waitin’ for you to show,” His voice is closer now, Lux lifts his head to see he’s less than a foot away, staring at him.

“Sorry,” Lux mutters again. For some reason, it feels a little tense. And he isn’t like Eden, he has no way of knowing how to ease it. Not only does Tanner look drained, he also seems full of energy as well. Pent-up, it lingers at his shoulders and shows taut at his mouth.

“’S fine, nothin’ happened anyway,” he licks his lips, looks as if he’s thinking, “Your sister’s not comin’ back tonight, right?” Lux blinks at the way he says that, like he doesn’t believe they’re really siblings. He wouldn’t blame Tanner if that was the case.

“No...Not until Sunday,” He frowns for a moment, “You can crash here, if you want.”

Maybe he’s seeing things, but he’s pretty sure he spots Tanner’s eyes flicker down and then back up to his face with a purpose as soon as its out of his mouth. It makes a sudden stroke of heat dart up his spine, odd but not unwelcome. He’s seen the look before. On plenty of people. It’s a little new to see it on Tanner - to have it aimed towards him. Fingers twist together behind his back, nerves settling deep into the pit of his stomach. Now, he understands the tension a little more.

Tanner doesn’t say anything, he merely moves closer. It only takes a few steps until he’s in front of Lux. He kind of forgets how to breathe for a second, because it’s not often that someone so boldly steps into his space. Tanner’s breath is warm, and his body heat is even more so. After a few seconds, Lux’s gaze falls to Tanner’s lips - he remembers quite vividly how nice of a kisser he was and he remembers how Eden had pointed out the fact before. That thought makes him rock back uneasily on his heels.

“Eden isn’t here.”

“So? I need her ‘round to get my dick hard or somethin’?”

Lux swallows, the hungry look in his dark eyes makes him nervous. And it also may excite him a little more than he’s used to, “I thought--”

Without waiting for him to finish, Tanner’s hand comes up and curls around Lux’s nape, jerking him forward. Lips cover his, rough and tempting, and it’s even nicer than what Lux can remember. To be fair however, he’d been pretty fucked up that night. His kiss has an edge to it, it doesn’t slow down or become gentle, it grows more heavy in its intensity and leaves Lux winded. There’s this slow build of warmth inside of him - it always gets like that when someone touches him, anyone.

He sometimes hates himself. Even though he flinches at the thought of anyone laying their hands on him, he cannot help but craves for it at the same time. With Tanner, it’s a little different - this feeling in the pit of his stomach is harder to ignore than usual, he wants more out of it. More out of him.

He supposes he stays still too long for Tanner’s liking, because his long fingers wrap around one of Lux’s wrists and forces it from his side. With Tanner’s help, he cups over his crotch, where he can feel him hardening fast.

“Enough of an answer for you?”

Their eyes meet and lock for a moment. And then, Lux nods.

.

Tanner is gone before the sun is even up.

Lux thinks he should be used to the hollow feeling in his chest whenever he wakes up alone.

But it’s been getting a lot harder to ignore lately.

.

Lux hates making eye contact. It’s almost instinctual to avoid it whenever he can, it’s been like that ever since he was around twelve.

It reminds him a lot of a dog rolling over to expose its belly. Vulnerable, bare. He doesn’t like how it makes him feel, so he never does it. He’s trying to take up the same idea with talking - he doesn’t like doing that either, he wants to do it as little as possible if he can. Maybe limit himself to about fifty words a day.

Eden gets annoyed with him when he doesn’t speak though. She screws her mouth slightly to the side, reaches across the table and whacks Lux atop the head with her menu. It’s harmless enough, and it doesn’t hurt. But he looks up, chewing leisurely at his thumb nail, lost in thought.

“You listening or what?”

Lux wasn’t listening. But he doesn’t want to tick her off any more than she seems to be, “Sorry.”

“It’s whatever. Not like--” She stops there, squints at him. And then, she reaches over and grasps his jaw with one hand, turning his head sharply to the left so that she can get a good look at his neck, “Fuck is that? Is that a hickey?”

Lux blinks a few times, her grip is awfully painful, almost iron, “I don’t know.”

“How do you not know? Do you look at yourself in the mirror?”

“No.”

Eden rolls her eyes, but releases him. Leaning back in her seat, her arms fold over her chest, “Can I at least know who it is?”

“...who...”

“Who you’re fucking, Lux.”

“Oh.”

She pulls a face, “Is it some skank? Don’t tell me it’s like fucking Nina or somethin’. That bitch’s totally got crabs.”

Lux doesn’t know who that is. But he doesn’t get a chance to answer her, someone leans into the booth but doesn’t sit, and the both of them glance over to see Tanner. Like always, he looks tired. Lux can’t help but watch him for a moment, he’s wearing the shoes he usually does. High-tops with fraying laces and black smudges towards the heels. The same jacket - worn but not falling apart, very comfortable-looking.

Lux can tell by his eyes and the lax slope of his shoulders that he’s started a little early tonight.

“Fuck’re you two talkin’ about?”

Eden barely looks up, “Crabs.”

“Why, you got ‘em?”

“Fuck you, Tanner.”

“Not if you got--”

“I don’t. Mind your own business.”

Lux prefers this - when the attention isn’t on him. He can just watch the two of them snap at each other, goodnatured or not. He does that a lot, he notices. He must’ve zone out for a few moments, because the next thing--

“So it was you!”

Eden’s accusatory tone is enough to make Lux break from his thoughts, eyes lifting to find Tanner and her at each others throats, as usual. Tanner’s eyebrows have raised high on his forehead, vaguely annoyed. And Eden is glaring up at him, grasping her drink tight as if she’s resisting the urge to chuck it at him.

“It a crime or somethin’?” Tanner shot back, giving her a look.

“Keep your germs to yourself. I’m sure Lux doesn’t want you slobberin’ all over his neck like that. What’re you, a wild animal?”

Oh. He’s guessing that Tanner told her at some point during the conversation.

Though, Lux still feels a bit out of the loop, “Sorry.” He says for the second time, it makes Tanner and Eden both look up. Maybe she liked Tanner more than he’d originally thought, maybe he was right in his assumptions. Getting in between whatever they had was the absolute last thing he wanted to do.

“Ain’t your fault. Tanner’ll stick his dick in anybody ‘round here.”

“Yeah. You’re the prime fuckin’ example of that.”

She flips him off, but it’s not long before she’s standing from the booth. Throwing down a few bills that don’t look nearly enough for what she had ordered, Eden looks over towards Lux, “I gotta head over to Dylan’s. See you later?” He nods, watches as she gives Tanner the stink eye before she leaves.

“Bitch,” Tanner mutters underneath his breath, taking her spot when she’s gone, “Seriously, all she does is complain.”

He gives a half-attempted shrug, eyes falling to the table in between them, “...she was mad. ‘Cause we--” He can’t bring himself to finish, he chews harder at his thumbnail until he tastes a sliver of blood.

“Fucked. Yeah.”

“Without her. I don’t think we’re supposed to do that.”

Tanner’s eyebrows lift again, he looks interested though, “Why?” Lux doesn’t answer, there’s a heavy weight in his stomach and it won’t let him raise his eyes to his, “I ain’t sorry. Not gonna be sorry next time either.” He absently opens the abandoned menu while he speaks.

Lux stops chewing for a moment. Next time, he says, “...yeah?”

“Yeah,” Tanner keeps staring at him, Lux can feel it - even when he’s too hesitant to look at him, “Gotta live a little, right?”

“My therapist used to say that,” Lux mutters, pulling his hand back to inspect his thumb - he was right in his earlier assumption, there’s blood. Only a bit though, and it stings some. His mother had always complained that she hated when he bit at his nails, always complained about the amount of germs. She was a bit of a neat-freak, like his sister, “A lot.”

“You had a therapist?” Tanner sounds interested. And Lux glances up to see him still staring.

He can’t help but tense slightly, shoulders hunching inward. It’d been a slip of the tongue, just for a small moment. Because - he’s noticed before - he feels startling comfortable around Tanner. His mouth works on its own sometimes when he’s alone with him, “Yeah. A few. There’s something the matter with me.”

Tanner studies him for a little while, rubbing a hand at his jaw before he returns his attention to the menu in front of him, “Everyone’s pretty messed up. On the inside. Some people just better at hiding it, right?”

Yeah. But not as messed up as Lux. Not even close. But he doesn’t say that, he shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. It’s not like it’s exactly a normal thing to . . . to talk about himself. In fact, he hates doing that.

Ever since the trial.

The waitress returns to the table, and places down Eden’s burger right in front of Tanner. It looks good, but Lux’s stomach is turning in on itself and he doesn’t want to force anything on top of it. Tanner digs in though, if he didn’t eat it - no one would.

“You wanna talk about it?” Tanner says around a mouthful of meat and cheese.

Lux doesn’t look up.

“You got all quiet.”

Slowly, he shakes his head.

“Okay. I’m not good at that shit anyway.”

.

Lux hates when he can’t control his emotions. He’s so used to being in a constant state of detached apathy, for himself and for others around him. When it’s different, it comes as a shock. His loneliness spills through the cracks and he has no way of keeping it inside of him, on nights like these - he finds himself pressed against the wall, crouched over and wrapping his arms around himself.

He rocks back and forth, tries hard to keep his mind from reeling. He has nothing let to give, and yet, everything bleeds out of him uncontrollably and leaves him even more empty than before. Memories stick to him like ticks, sucking and draining. It was like getting kicked in the back of the head, over and over again, causing his muscles to seize up and leave him rigid. He feels as if he could burst at any moment.

There is this harsh, high-pitched sound breaking through his muddled hearing. And it takes awhile to realize that it’s coming from him. He’s crying, rocking, trembling. Like when he was a child, and even all this time later, he’s still unable to stop it. That scares him a lot, that scares him so fucking much.

He hates it. He hates himself. He hates when he gets like this.

He remembers when it happened with Eden once - when she brushed her hands over the back of his neck and touched over the base of his spine and it sent him into a panic attack. At that moment, she was unsure of what to do. But she stayed with him that night, and that was all he could ask for.

But this time, there’s no one. Just him and his thoughts.

Pills wouldn’t help this. Or coke. He needs something stronger.

He feels as if he may hurl, but there’s nothing in his stomach for that. Just stones and acid. Lux doesn’t know how, but he makes it to the bathroom, finds his stash. And it’s pretty much a blur from there, his hands fumbling quick - his eyes are burning, and his stomach is rolling over, but he feels more alive than before. It brings a rush, a warmth underneath his skin that he craves, a hazy numbness that brings the only peace he knows.

Hours crawl by. His skin feels itchy, unbearable to be in. The sluggish feeling follows, he’s used to it and it helps him rest, even if he can’t manage to particularly sleep. His heart doesn’t hurt as much, his head isn’t ringing, and the crying sounds have stopped. He feels better, he wants to keep breathing again.

The inside of his apartment feels safe, locked away from the world and silent. But eventually, as night turns to day, and day turns back to night - the air grows stuffy inside of his bathroom and he’s forced to pull himself up from the floor. He finds himself outside, on the steps of his apartment building, unaware of the freezing breeze.

Eyesight bleary, mouth dry, he pulls the carton from his pocket and lights up the last cigarette he has. Lux didn’t get the chance to check the time, but he can only guess it’s late at night. There’s barely a soul around, the street is empty and dead quiet.

He smokes through his cigarette fast, stares down at the nub for a moment before he flexes out the fingers of his opposite hand. Without hesitation, he presses the cindering end to the inside of his palm. The pain is welcomed and familiar, it makes him feel more awake than before.

“What the fuck’re you doing?”

The voice startles him, and he looks up to see Tanner. He’s staring directly at his hand, eyebrows furrowed, shoulders tense. He looks almost offended. Without waiting for Lux to say anything, he crouches down in front of him and snatches away the cigarette. His foot comes down on the ash, stepping it firmly into the concrete of the sidewalk when he stands upright.

“Lemme see,” his fingers come around Lux’s wrist, and he leans close to inspect the burn, “Fuck is the matter with you?”

Lux doesn’t know - a lot of things, he guesses. He keeps quiet, still a bit alarmed to see Tanner in general. Especially when he feels this way, this vulnerable. He wasn’t aware he was so against Tanner seeing him like this until it was actually happening.

“It’s...”

“I got it,” Tanner presses his thumb into his mouth, slick with saliva and rubs it soothingly to Lux’s inner palm. It stings, but he barely flinches, watches as Tanner studies the burn carefully before he releases his wrist, “Fuck’s sake, must hurt like a bitch.”

When he lets go, Lux brings his hand to his lap, flexing the fingers and curling them into a fist. Tanner takes that chance to sit beside him on the steps, exhaling. It’s quiet between them. Lux is the first one to speak up, “Thanks.”

“What’re you doin’ out here? It’s freezing.”

Lux bites at his tongue hard.

“It’s about to start snowin’.”

“What’re you doing here?” Lux asks instead, sending the question right back at him.

Tanner blinks. And then his jaw flexes, eyes shifting to the sidewalk in front of them, “Was just walking. Ended up here,” Looking at him a lot more closely, Lux is able to see that there are bags under his eyes, and even though he’s complaining about the weather, he isn’t dressed for the cold.

“...are you okay?”

“What.”

“Are you okay? You don’t...look okay.”

“Yeah? You look like shit, too.”

Lux doesn’t say anything to that, he only stares at Tanner’s side profile for an extended amount of time. He’s quick to look away when Tanner’s chin lifts, though. It’s silent between them, Tanner looks angry now, like he’s thinking too hard about something but he can’t let it go. So, Lux clears his throat and curls his arms around his knees.

“I...”

Tanner glances over at him, “What’d you say?”

“Didn’t mean to - to make you mad.”

“You didn’t--” Tanner inhales deeply, but then doesn’t say anything else, “Not mad at you or anything. Just don’t do that shit again, ain’t gonna help with whatever...whatever you’re fucked up about.”

Lux can’t promise him that, because he’s been doing it since he was around fifteen. The pain helps with the rush, helps with forgetting just a little while. He can focus on it better than anything else.

“Can we talk about somethin’ else?” Tanner’s voice is hard, almost cutting.

“Like what?”

“Anything,” Lux looks at a lost, so Tanner sucks his teeth at him, annoyed. After considering it for awhile, he finally says, “My friend - never mind, we’re not really friends anymore - he used to talk all the time, nonstop. Couldn’t get the guy to shut up. But...he was pretty great. Like, this one time, he...” Tanner goes into a detailed story about his friend, and that soon involves into another story. And then another, after awhile he’s staring at Lux, as if he’s waiting for him to supply some type of back and forth.

Lux doesn’t really have to think it over. There’s plenty he’s done. None of it is really harmless, though. He names off a few with relative ease, and he realizes most of them include Eden or Ricky or Tripp, because they’re the ones who did the crazy stuff and he’s the one who kind of just watched them do it.

“...I ripped this girl’s panties off at a party once.”

“That’s not that bad,” he’s relaxed a little while Lux was speaking, watching him out of the corner of his eye, “Girls beg for shit like that.”

“Yeah. Except I was eleven.”

That makes Tanner stare. His voice is quieter this time, “Oh. Why?”

Lux begins rocking, though the motion is more subtle than earlier, “’Cause. I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do,” Her name was Allison - back then, Lux remembers a few of his friends claiming that Allison had liked him. That she was the one who snuck that love letter into his desk the day before Valentine’s Day. She also told him one day at random that she just started wearing training bras, because she was becoming a lady. He didn’t know back then why she wanted to let him know that so bad, he feels sick thinking about it now, “But then she screamed.”

Her scream, her soaking hot tears. The way she pushed at him, her legs flailing, eyes filling her face. The way she had stared at him, like he was some type of predator, monster. And when he had let her go, she’d jumped from the closet’s floor and darted out. He remembers glancing over at his hand, finding the shredded remains of her underwear between his fingers.

That night was chaos, and it burns at the back of his head on many occasions. The red-faced anger of Allison’s father, the accusatory tone of her mother, the way his friends stared at him in repulsed shock when they realized what had happened. His mother’s crying, the threatening phone calls, his sister slinking to her room whenever the yelling started.

He doesn’t realize his hands are shaking until Tanner speaks up, “Sounds like a prude. Some girls are just like that.”

“It’s never happened before. All I was trying to do was make her feel good, but...she kept screaming. It was--” He doesn’t have the guts to finish, he instead tries to focus on getting his hands under control.

“I was already fucking when I was eleven.”

“You were?”

“Older women.”

“That’s...shitty.”

“Nah. Exact opposite.”

Lux doesn’t know what to say, because Tanner has this almost fond look in his eye. There’s a slight hitch to the corner of his mouth, as if he wants to smile but can’t. But he doesn’t look happy, doesn’t look amused by what he’s said. After awhile, he looks away from Lux and stares back out to the street.

“That’s over now though.”

Lux watches him.

With a sigh, Tanner braces his hands on his knees and stands, “It okay if I borrow your shower?”

“You can crash here,” Lux tells him, “It’s okay.”

“...thanks.”

“Yeah.”

Tanner goes inside the building before he does - he already knows how to get himself in so Lux isn’t worried. Quietly, he opens his palm again, stares down at the cigarette burn for a few seconds before he presses down his thumb hard, just to feel the quick lace of pain again.

.

Whenever he kisses Tanner, he feels warm.

All over, from the crown of his head to the tip of his toes. He doesn’t think it’s normal, but he can’t ever stop it when it happens. Tanner kisses him first, he always kisses him first - licks into his mouth and his tongue is hot and insistent. His hands are demanding and bruising, he won’t let go for anything.

There’s plenty of people here, but he’s crowded up against the wall by Tanner’s height, hands roaming until they find Lux’s belt and tugs. The banister behind him is cutting into his back, it makes him feel more alert, aware of how dark and nearly burning Tanner’s eyes are.

His voice is low when he speaks, barely an inch away, “Wanna go?”

Lux can do nothing but nod.

The two of them leave the place together, Tanner manages to wave down a taxi with surprising speed, and they climb inside with relative ease. Once the driver is given the address, Lux tries his best to get himself under control. He feels jittery, on edge, like even brushing arms with Tanner will drive him up the wall.

He knows Eden will yell at them both later for ditching her there, but Lux can only hope she’s fine leaving with Dylan.

Tanner’s thoughts must be elsewhere, focusing instead exclusively on Lux as he leans over and practically traps him against the window. There’s very limited room in the back of the cab, but they make do. Lips meet again, open-mouthed and searching, tongue and teeth. Lux can barely breathe, barely think - hands thrusts into Tanner’s hair, pulling him even closer. When they part, he tries his best to focus on breathing, but Tanner has already licked a line straight from his lips and to his neck, kisses down the side and sucks hard to leave marks.

Usually, Lux is good when it comes to not making noise. He’s having a little difficulty now.

Tanner pushes closer, Lux can feel him swelling against his thigh, growing hard fast. He presses there, hips shifting to try and get some type of relief. It makes Lux feel warmer, more desperate. Mouth waters, tongue feels heavy - and all he can think about is Tanner’s taste, it’s been awhile since he’s experienced it.

With that thought in mind, he’s the one gripping Tanner’s shoulders, urging him to lift off of him for a moment. When he is, Lux fingers make deft work of Tanner’s belt, undoing it and darting forward as if he’s starved. He’s warm and heavy in his mouth, a bead of cum touches the tip of Lux’s tongue, makes him delve deeper down until the head hits the back of his throat.

He can’t even bring himself to care about the driver, about where they are.

Tanner’s hands are sweaty, curling around Lux’s nape to hold him there. His touch is welcomed, it practically burns. And Lux likes it a little too much - Tanner guiding him, keeping him there, pressing his hips up to get a better angle.

He licks and sucks and swallows, the weight is heavy and familiar on his tongue, stretches his jaw slightly. And then Tanner’s nails dig into his neck and scalp, holds him in place while he fucks his mouth and Lux can’t help up stare up at him with a heavy-lidded eyes as he does, never breaks eye contact for a moment. It feels oddly personal, even more personal than his dick in his mouth.

Tanner stays quieter than Lux though, he sighs heavy through his orgasm. To avoid making a mess, Lux swallows all he gives, pulling off after languidly pressing his tongue to the head. Soon after, the car comes to a stop and Tanner rebuckles his jeans, practically throwing his cash in the taxi driver’s face before he’s out of the car, tugging Lux along with him. He doesn’t even have the chance to apologize to the guy.

The two of them make it to Lux’s apartment with little to no problems. If you excuse the fact that Tanner can’t keep his hands to himself. Even as Lux tries to get the keys into the lock, Tanner rests one arm on the door frame to keep him from moving too much, the other making its way to his crotch, pressing and squeezing roughly.

Lux almost drops his keys.

“Fuckin’ achin’ for it, hm?” He tightens his fingers, and the added friction does little for the pressure building in Lux’s lower stomach. He’s breathing hard against the skin of Lux’s neck, warm and moist, “Wanna fuck you, Luxen...”

Somehow, Lux manages to get the door opened. They step inside, close the door firmly behind them. And in that moment, it’s just the two of them. Lux and Tanner, nobody else. He can’t help but wonder if he’s okay with that type of thinking. All he can hear is Tanner’s breathing and sighs, the need exuding off of him.

The lights are still off, so its hard to see Tanner’s features. But Lux prefers it like this anyway, makes it feel more impersonal. He’d left his space-heater on, so the airs feels suffocating and thick, it’s hard to get a proper breath at a moment like this. They’re sweaty and whenever they touch, their skin sticks together.

Tanner helps him out of his overcoat and jacket, unbuckling his pants and forcing them down. He’s rough and steadfast, and they barely make into the home before Tanner is bending him over a counter in a kitchen and spitting into his hand.

His fingers circle, barely dip inside. And Lux tries to regain his right sense of mind, but its hard. His muscles are clenched in anticipation, pupils blown-out, mouth dry and waiting. Unsated, waiting. Wanting and needing. He needs Tanner inside of him, stretching and filling him - making him actually feel something for once.

“...please,” his voice sounds strung-out, not his own, but he continues, “Tanner, please...”

“Please what?”

“In...in - I need,” he’s muttering, it’s so low and barely there, almost a whisper, “Tanner. Please.”

Tanner’s fingers are inside then, wet and slick with saliva. Mouth back to Lux’s neck, he marks and sucks wherever he pleases, teeth grazing for a moment before his tongue laves the spot with attention. Lux is having trouble breathing still.

“Relax,” Tanner whispers against his skin, lips pressed to the back of his neck, “Gotta relax.” His voice is so soft, practically pleading - that Lux can’t help but become nearly boneless before him, “That’s it, that’s good, Lux.”

One fingers turns to two, and then three. Spreading him open, rubbing against intimate spots until Lux is rocking back into his hand.

“Just like that.”

Lux likes his voice like this. A lot. Like he thought before, Tanner is really good at this type of stuff. His fingers slip out of him, and he feels empty and worn. He doesn’t have to wait long, though. The head of his cock slips in between his ass, teasing and drawn, slowly pushing past the first ring of muscle before he stops. And then pressing deeper and deeper, until he can’t anymore.

Lux’s mouth drops open, skin practically burning with oversensitivity. He doesn’t try to move, doesn’t try to force Tanner closer. Instead, he just lets Tanner do what he wants. Fucking into him, slick skin against slick skin, hands restless and roving wherever they can reach. Lux is weak to it, moaning softly and breathing picking up.

Tanner is moving deep and hard, and his grip is tight enough to leave bruises. He feels almost unraveled this way - personal and nearly overbearing. Whenever he steps foot in the kitchen, he thinks of his sister cooking or making dinner or singing to herself when she cleans. To do have sex like this in here, it felt like a crime.

He’s going to cum, really soon. He can feel it, so close, licking across his skin, settling deep inside his stomach. He wants to cum, he wants to cum so bad. For Tanner, by Tanner. And that thought’s a little scary, but he doesn’t have time to dawdle on it, because fingers wrap around his dick and pump twice.

After that, he’s done for. He finishes into Tanner’s hand, teeth sinking into his tongue to keep any sounds from escaping. Slick and wet and hot, Tanner’s fist wraps tighter around the head, forces Lux hips to jerk forward - skin sensitive and buzzing. Tanner finishes soon after him, heat spreads through him thoroughly.

When he pulls out, Lux stays where he is, quietly inhaling and exhaling deeply every few seconds. He’s tired now, the ache in his muscles will be more prominent in the morning.

And so will the hollow feeling when Tanner is gone.

.

“Are you having fun?”

Lux looks up from his drink, Tripp is staring at him from across the counter. The music was loud, Lux is surprised he managed to hear him over it. But since it is Tripp, he decides to be honest, “No.”

Tripp takes no offense to it, he smiles at him and rounds the counter to come his side. Arm thrown over Lux’s shoulders familiarly, he says, “I know,” He kisses the side of Lux’s head, nuzzles into his hair, “But thanks for coming anyway.”

Lux doesn’t know why he comes to parties like this. Mainly because he’s usually invited by his very small friend group. And he’s unable to say no to any of them. There are too many people, too much noise, not enough room. His chest feels tight, almost caved in when he thinks about it. So he tries his best to ignore the stuffy air with another drink.

It’s less people in the kitchen. There’s enough blow and weed and alcohol going around that no one really lingers in one spot for too long. Tripp’s arm curls tighter around him, familiarly, “You okay?” His smile is easygoing, but his eyes are full of questions.

“No,” Lux tells him again, pressing his lips together taut, “I need...”

Tripp tilts his head at him, but he doen’t get much of a chance to say anything, because someone is calling his name, greeting him loudly in Lux’s ear, “Tripp! How the hell is this your party and it’s so hard to fucking find you anywhere?”

“Mason!” Tripp greets his guest with equal enthusiasm, releasing Lux to give him a quick hug, “Hey, Casey.” Casey looks up, she’d been inspecting the drinks dotted over the counter with strange precision before she lights up at Tripp.

“Are we late?” Mason asks, taking a look arond, “Full house, man. Dope.”

“Nah, right on time,” he tells them, “Rob’s already here. One sec--” He returns his attention to Lux, touches his nape briefly, “You okay?”

Lux nods, despite everything. He doesn’t want to keep Tripp with him if he’s busy, he is the host of the party after all. He steps away, leaves with Mason and Casey to go and do who knows what. Lux tries to stay out of his business, even if they are close. He nurses his drink, tries to ignore how itchy he feels, tries to ignore the way his cest stutters whenever he thinks of the amount of people in the other room.

It takes another twenty minutes to leave the kitchen, the music genre has changed around five times and now it’s settled onto a song that Lux doesn’t know, but the guitar riff is really nice. He lingers by the entryway, shoulders lifted high when someone brushes past him. Eyes lift, find most of the party occupants in the living room. He finds Eden with ease, she’s sitting on the couch - nestled in between Dylan’s legs, passing him a blunt when she’s finished with it.

Then there’s Dominic, sucking face with Leah. Dancing in her own world to the right of the couch was Nina. He could go over and sit with them, or he could do what he does best and slink off to the corner until its all over. He’d told Eden he wasn’t coming, but Tripp had been the one to make him finally cave.

The music has gotten louder, and he realizes someone has found the stereo’s volume and turned it as loud as it could go. There’s a lot of dancing, a lot of party-goers coupling together, and there’s so much movement that Lux almost doesn’t notice another familiar face in the sea of people.

It’s Tanner, and he’s dancing too. With a girl that Lux hasn’t seen before. Probably one of Tripp’s friends. But Lux finds himself staring at them with rapt attention, watching as she presses back into him, Tanner’s hands shamelessly trailing over her right breast, down her stomach, and to her thigh. Rocking side to side with the music, lost in each other, and Tanner is mouthing at her neck and towards her ear. Lux doesn’t know what he says, but its enough to make her smile and turn to face him, sealing his lips with hers.

And then they’re kissing, hands roaming - her fingers are in his hair and his are on her waist before cupping her backside. It goes on for awhile, he’s pulling away soon after to take her wrist and tug her off somewhere. She follows him, and the two of them disappear into the crowd towards the back room.

Lux looks down at his shoes. For some reason, looking at them that long felt oddly personal. Like he shouldn’t have even glanced in their direction. He’s tempted to leave even more now, he feels out of place. As if he doesn’t really belong, he realizes he feels like that a lot when it involves Eden or Tanner.

He doesn’t want to go without saying anything to Tripp first. But it would be a chore to find him and pull him away from all his friends, Lux doesn’t want to do that. He leaves without anyone noticing, closes the back door soundly behind him.

The music sounds muffled now.

As numb and hollow as he feels in the pit of his stomach, his body still is painfully human. His nerves are horrible, his shoulders jerk high whenever he’s touched, he gets lonely even when he doesn’t really want anyone around.

Even now, watching Tanner and Eden like that, he can’t help this crushing feeling in his stomach. Because he’s Lux, because he’s replaceable, and people only want him when it’s easy. If he could just stop those thoughts, stop them for only a second, he would feel more at ease.

It’s quieter outside and he can breathe better.

“You came,” Lux blinks, broken from his thoughts when he hears a new voice. He’s a little surprised to see Ricky, who’s looking at him with this almost dopey smile. He’s smoking a cigarette, looks as if he’s having a good time, “Tripp said you might. You look like shit, though.”

He knows, “...I wasn’t gonna come.”

“Yeah? Why not?” Lux keeps quiet. Ricky smiles again, moves towards him and nudges his shoulder with his own, “Got a bed time?” He can tell he’s trying to get him to relax, but it’s not helping. He never thought Ricky was very funny anyway. He still feels a little winded from before, the crushing feeling hasn’t gone away. “Mmm. How ‘bout this?” After inhaling, he offers the cigarette for Lux to take, “Or...I got somethin’ stronger to take the edge off.”

That peaks his interest, but also leaves him a bit wary. He is unsure of what Ricky carries on him. But he doesn’t want to ask - anything was better than nothing.

“You want to, right?” Ricky moves close - close enough where Lux has to press up against the wall to keep a slight distance between them. He doesn’t let him though, he’s cornering him easily, it feels weirdly zealous with the limited lighting.

Ricky invades his personal space easily, bending down slightly to bring his face near to his, force close enough until their lips meet. Smoke is breathed into him, slow and intimate. Ricky’s tongue follows, sweeps every corner of Lux’s mouth, even with his lack of response.

It takes awhile. But eventually, Lux starts kissing back.

What else is he supposed to do? He’s alone, and he’s always alone, and it’s becoming unbearable. Anyone solid, anyone warm, anyone that is willing to touch him will do. One hand curls over Ricky’s shoulder, pulls him in more, kisses him harder. He ends up with his hand forced down the front of Ricky’s pants, jerking him off until his palm becomes warm and slick, and Ricky’s groaning into his neck.

A few seconds past, Lux pulls his hand out and Ricky takes a step back. Without saying anything, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small baggy. There’s this almost predatory glint in his eyes when he drops it on the gravel below them before Lux has a chance to take it.

“Party favor,” he says, “It’ll help you relax.” He doesn’t wait for Lux to respond. Fingers brush against Lux’s lower lip, dip into his mouth slowly, over the tip of his tongue before he backs off. With another smile, he tosses his cigarette and leaves him there alone.

Lux doesn’t say anything, just waits for the door to shut behind him. He crouches down, picks up the reward and stuffs it in his pocket.

.

“So...I’m getting married soon,” Lux looks up from the carrots, which he’d been gradually cutting is way through. He’s already nicked himself once with the knife, he doesn’t want to do it again and make his sister worry. She’s taring at him from over the counter, smiling gently, “To Ben.”

“...I know.”

“I know you know.”

He goes back to chopping quietly, “Do you like Ben?”

“I love Ben,” she tells him, opening the box of noodles and dropping them into the boiling pot of water. When she’s finished, she places the lid back on top, “He’s heaven-sent.” She looks more relaxed than normal, it’s always been like that since she met her fiance. Lux thinks that maybe Ben doesn’t deserve her, not someone as good as her. But then again, he’s never had the chance to meet Ben.

“Okay.”

“Have you been sleeping okay? You look tired.”

He feels frayed at the edges, stretched far too thin at times. Maybe that showed in his appearance. He doesn’t have to look at his reflection to know how exhausted he looks. His shoulders lift in a shrug, eyes focused on the vegetables in front of him, “Why do you love Ben?”

She blinks at the question, “He’s good to me,” Lux only stares down, “You wouldn’t understand, Luxen,” His fingers tighten around the knife, and he stops for a moment before continuing. His sister sighs, “Can you try to be happy for me?”

“I am...happy,” He doesn’t sound convincing, even to his own ears. She gives him a look, and he cannot help but yield. Something really is the matter with him, to talk to his sister this way. This churning sensation comes to his gut, and he tries his best to ignore it, “I want you to be happy.”

“Look at me,” At first, he doesn’t. And that’s when she puts a hand to his arm, rubbing soothingly, fingers lingering at the space between his neck and shoulder. He looks up to find her eyes on him, sympathetic and open, “You know that you’re my favorite person, right?”

She’s been saying that ever since they were kids. Lux is almost tempted to press more into her touch - like a cat begging for attention.

“So, you don’t have to worry. Even after I’m married and squirt out a few kids, I’m still going to come by and see my baby brother all the time. You know that, Luxen.”

He isn’t so sure about that. “Yeah.”

“And...speaking of Ben, he wanted me to invite you to the wedding.”

Lux blinks once, “Mom and dad will be there.”

“Which is a good thing. You guys haven’t talked in two years.”

“They don’t want to see me.”

“Mom does. I know for sure that she does.”

“Not dad.” Definitely not dad.

She squeezes affectionately at his arm, “I want you there. That’s all that matters, right?”

He wants to tell her that that’s not all. That their dad will glare at him throughout, that their mother will sneak glances at him and Lux will pretend not to notice, that everyone in their side of the family will shamelessly stare and avoid Lux the entire night and there wouldn’t be anything he could do about it. But, instead, he keeps his mouth shut and nods.

He can spot her smile out of the corner of his eye.

She leaves soon after finishing lunch. While she’s shrugging on her jacket, she almost trips over one of Tanner’s shoes in the entryway. Tanner, who’s sprawled out and asleep on his couch, he’d let himself in around four in the morning Lux is guessing, and he didn’t even bat an eyelash. Only threw a blanket over him and left him alone for the remainder of the morning and afternoon.

“When did this place become a homeless shelter, hm?” His sister complains, “You should really keep an eye on your company, Luxen.”

“Get out,” Tanner startles her when he suddenly speaks up from the couch, voice muffled into a pillow, “Get the fuck out already. When’re you gonna fuckin’ leave?”

She looks affronted, glaring at him while he shifts to get more comfortable, “And maybe teach him some manners while you’re at it.”

“He doesn’t mean it--”

“Get out,” Tanner’s voice is more alert now, annoyed, “Jesus Christ.”

She doesn’t look as if she’s in the mood to go back and forth with him, as they usually do whenever they’re in the same room for more than two seconds. Lux is beginning to notice that Tanner doesn’t get along with any women that he’s met so far, he only seems to enjoy their company when sex is involved. It’s strange.

“Make sure you put away any leftovers, I won’t be back over until next Friday.”

“What is he? Eight?” Tanner isn’t finished, he’s rolled over on his back to watch her go.

She ignores him, “Love you.” His sister stands on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek soundly. After that, she is gone, closing the door behind her.

Lux stares at the door for a long time until he hears Tanner sit up and throw the covers off. Turning his head, he can see he’s bowed his head between his knees and is currently rubbing at his temples, “Are you okay?”

“Kind of question is that?” He snaps, but seems to consider it a few seconds later when he sits back up, “Fuck.”

“...did something happen?” It wasn’t often that Tanner came over like this, spent the night either. Even if they hadn’t slept in the same bed, it feels very personal to have him here the entire night. Tanner presses his lips together, doesn’t answer. Lux has his answer enough from that, “Do you want to eat? I helped make it. Some.”

At that, Tanner’s lips kick up into a slight smile from his tone. It’s gone quick, but it makes Lux feel better. His sister left this overwhelming weight on his shoulders whenever she visited, Tanner just being there helped with it just a little.

They eat together in companionable silence - like he noticed before, Tanner can put a lot more away than Lux can. When he’s had seconds, he wants thirds, like he hasn’t had the chance to eat in awhile. Lux wouldn’t put it past him.

“At least she can do something right,” Tanner mutters around a mouthful of food, “probably why the dude’s marrying her.”

“Yeah,” Lux stabs listlessly at one of the steamed carrots with his fork, “I guess so.”

“I don’t get why people do that.”

He looks up curiously.

"Get married. Nothin’ but a piece of paper,” He looks as if he wants to say more, but stops when he spots the look on Lux’s face. He’s not sure what it looks like, but Tanner swallows his food and stares at him, “You don’t like the guy she’s marrying or some shit?”

“Never met him.”

“If he’s getting with her, must be pretty fucked in the head.”

Lux is quiet for a moment, “...I don’t get it either,” Maybe she was right about his inability to understand, to decipher the type of love she shared with her fiance. It feels alienated, stripped away from everything he once knew as a child. Love had come so easy then, he said it to everyone and anyone.

And now, it leaves nothing but a bad taste in the back of his mouth.

Lux finishes before Tanner, and he can’t help but watch him eat. He finds himself studying his profile more often than not. And - he likes this, he likes eating with him. But he feels as if he brings it up again, it’ll be seen as odd. Tanner probably didn’t think anything of it, anyway.

Lux is the one who puts the dishes away when they are finished, his sister constantly complained when he made a mess and it’s instinctive now to clean up after himself. He’s lost in his thoughts, unaware that Tanner is staring from the counter until he slinks up behind and presses against him.

He blinks, going still.

The reaction is fast though - heat darts down the expanse of his spine, gathers low in his stomach. Especially when Tanner rocks against him, slow and purposeful, “Wanna know what I was just thinkin’ about?”

He does want to know. He wants to know what made him so hard so quickly.

“Can you guess?”

His mouth opens, “...about before?”

Tanner’s hands duck under his shirt, touches at his waist and up his chest, “You felt so good. Just remembering it...” His fingers come down to his hips, tugs them back forcibly into his growing erection. And Lux gets the idea pretty fast, begins pressing back more, “Fucking you right here.”

Its like flipping a switch, and Lux is definitely weak to it.

It reminds him of the other night, of how Tanner grabbed and groped the girl at the party. The memory darts through his mind, and he can’t help but think how it would’ve been if he stayed, if he was the one who had been with Tanner that night, if he hadn’t gone and sought warmth from someone else.

He’s beginning to realize that being with Tanner makes him feel better. But being without him - it does nothing but make him cold.

.

Their relationship is starting to become weird.

He comes over often, he sleeps on the couch or when they have sex, in the bed with Lux. And when they do have sex, it’s without Eden more and more. It starts just being them, just groping hands and warm kisses and lazy orgasms in the middle of the afternoon until Tanner has to go off and do whatever he does during the day.

But he usually comes back at night. And if not then, he’ll be back later in the week. Even though they don’t talk much, Tanner keeps him company a lot. Not as much as Eden or Tripp, but enough to catch Lux’s attention. He’s afraid that maybe he likes having Tanner around, even if its just for small periods of time. He guesses at this point that he can call them friends, something close to that. He doesn’t have many, so he hopes that he’s thinking right.

They eat together a lot, and Lux can tell that in some way, Tanner is doing it for his benefit. Or maybe he’s gotten so used to it that he doesn’t even think about it anymore, it just happens. He takes up a lot of Tanner’s time, and he doesn’t think he’s really worth the trip of stopping by every other day. Or wasting his breath inviting him places.

“It’ll be fun.”

“I don’t like concerts.”

Tanner stares at him for awhile, “Why not?”

“I don’t...” Lux’s shoulders lift towards his ears in a defensive, half-attempted shrug, “I don’t like loud music.”

The strange part is that Tanner ends up not going to that concert. He stays at Lux’s, and they end up falling asleep together in bed when they finish a joint. It’s always slightly jarring to wake up beside Tanner, and he stares at his peaceful expression for awhile.

He looks a lot more relaxed. The sunrays are bleeding in through the blinds, illuminating his hair and eyelashes. Lux keeps staring.

Without thinking, his hand reaches out, hesitates above Tanner’s head. Hovers, fingers nearly brush his hair before the hand is drawing back. He can’t touch him, he won’t touch him - not like this. Because that’s not what Lux does. He doesn’t touch people when they’re sleep just because he finds them pretty in that instance.

He never has. Nothing’s ever been soft for him, so he certainly won’t start now.

It’s a dangerous thought to even have, to make the motion of doing so. So, he makes sure to keep the touching to a minimum a week after that, just to see if the urge will go away.

It never does.

One night, when Tanner falls asleep in his lap on the couch, Lux spots the bare skin peeking out between is shirt and sweats. Lux can’t help himself, he touches the sliver of skin, drags his fingertips subtly higher to touch more. That’s when he notices a tattoo he’s never seen before - disappearing slightly into the hem of Tanner’s boxers.

He’s too curious not to trace the half he can fully see. And then another, on his lower stomach. Another on his ribs. A small one on his left, inner wrist. There’s so many, and such little time to study them. Whenever his fingers brush over a patch of skin, Tanner shifts in his sleep or his soft snoring stutters or he scratches at the spot absently.

Lux stops for only a moment. And then he’s back to exploring as much as he can. He wonders why he has so many. Lux has a few himself, but half he can’t remember getting. And he can’t ever go under the needle without taking something, the buzzing sound eats at his nerves every time. Tanner is like a map full of never-seen-before places that Lux wants to endlessly explore. He probably won’t ever have the chance to, so he settles for this instead.

With all of this touching and talking and constantly seeing each other, it feels new. Raw, like an open wound that Lux can’t help but poke and prod at. But he likes to, the pain is a rush that he can’t get enough of. It’s always been the same, and adding Tanner to it was strangely becoming just as addicting. He’s beginning to notice that the two of them have a lot in common, that he likes to listen to Tanner talk, that he likes how Tanner touches him sometimes.

It’s weird and dangerous and startling. He feels awake for the first time, though. More alert. Aware of what’s happening around him, aware of Tanner. His hearing isn’t as muddled, he feels like he can process things just a little better when he focuses on this specific person.

They talk about nothing and everything. Music that Tanner likes, food that Lux has tried, places they wish they could go. Lux can’t really think of any, but Tanner can go on and on about it. It seems as if he’s always trying to get away from something, always trying to be a little farther than where he started out. Lux supposes he feels like that sometimes too.

When they talk, Lux has a hard time controlling what he says. He’s never really had that problem before, and he doesn’t mind it at first. Util he tells Tanner that. That thing he’s not supposed to tell anyone. Not a soul, no one in the world. Not his parents, not his therapist, not Eden or Tripp. But he tells Tanner - because he feels in some messed up sense that he will understand it.

Things get even more complicated after that. Tanner comes back to his place the next day. And the day after that, and he stays over for a few days. In the afternoon, they eat together, and later at night, there’s touching. It’s different from how it usually is. Tanner doesn’t rush it, doesn’t press inside immediately. He uses his mouth a lot - tongue and lips and teeth and hands, spreading everywhere and anywhere.

Lux hasn’t been touched like this in so long, he almost forgot what it felt like. Almost forgot how much he missed it. It makes his heart race, palms sweat, pliant underneath Tanner as he fucks him slowly and purposely. Eyes meeting, lips pressed to one another’s. And Lux can’t get enough, he can’t stop, he wants more of this. Of him.

He’s scared.

In the morning, he doesn’t want to look at Tanner. He feels as if he did that enough the night before. When Tanner has to leave, Lux lingers by the door and watches him go. Only for him to glance up and lock eyes with him for a moment.

“...thanks for coming over,” Lux mumbles, because he is unsure of what else to say. He can’t stop thinking about the night before, about how it felt. And he can’t stop this scared feeling, he doesn’t know if he wants him closer or one-thousand miles away, “And for eating with me.”

“You don’t have to thank me every time,” Tanner tells him, though one side of his mouth is kicked up slightly into a smile, “Not a big deal.”

Lux wants to tell him that it is. That it’s a big deal to him and Tanner should stop doing it all together. But he doesn’t, he only presses his lips together and avoids his eyes. He doesn’t let him though, fingers touch the curve of his jaw, and Tanner’s lips cover his. It’s softer than normal, as if he’s trying to convey things that Lux could never understand. It’s over quick and Tanner’s out the door before Lux can form a proper goodbye.

.

“Lux? Lux!”

His eyes open, and he finds himself staring at the ceiling. Lying in bed, he turns his head to see Eden is staring at him. She looks worried - he wouldn’t blame her. He can’t help himself from reaching over and pressing his thumb between her eyebrows to try and smooth out the wrinkle. She makes a face, swats his hand away.

“Thought you passed out,” she’s frowning at him.

His throat feels dry. His body - it feels as if it’s floating, like he can’t get his feet to the ground. He continues to stare at her, “I’m fine.”

“This shit is pretty strong,” she clears her throat, “It help at all?”

Lux can’t really feel his legs, so he guesses so. But it also brought a sudden influx of memories that he’s been blocking out for the last few years. So, it’s give or take.

“Jesus,” Eden continues mumbling to herself, kneading her hands against her face, “What time is it?” Her eyes drift over to the alarm clock on his bedside table, and she sighs heavily, “Shit. Shit, I missed it.”

“Hm?”

“I was supposed to meet up with Dylan like three hours ago.”

“Oh.”

“It’s fine,” Eden says, shrugging her shoulders, “He probably doesn’t care,” A pause, “About if I come or not. You know?” Lux just stares at her as she turns to face him again, hair spilled over her shoulders, “You ever feel like...no one really gives a shit about you?”

Instinctively, his thoughts drift to Tanner.

Her eyes tighten a fraction, “Think I’m fuckin’ up. With Dylan. We had a fight last week. Real bad. Over nothin’, it wasn’t even a big deal. But...I couldn’t help but make it one, you know? Like - in my head, I kept telling myself to shut up and listen and calm down. I couldn’t though, and he kept talking. It made me...so pissed off. And I was thinking the other day, while we were together, why he puts up with me.”

Lux is quiet. Eden gets like this sometimes - and it just reminds him of all small she is. Her shoulders look thin, her eyes wet and red, her skin pale. She looks kind of beautiful, and she looks kind of sad, too. She stares up at the ceiling, her breathing wavers slightly and her eyelashes flutter.

“My Uncle Jimmy is gonna die soon.”

Lux blinks, “...die?”

“Yeah. He had a stroke a couple days ago and he’s been unresponsive ever since. My dad called me.”

That was practically unheard of. Because Eden’s parents never call, and she never talks about them. Whenever he may mention or ask, she grows defensive. So, after awhile, he stopped. It’s a little jarring to hear the word dad come from her mouth when all she ever refers to her family as is “a bunch of cowards” or “lazy fucks”. But Lux remembers Uncle Jimmy, he remembers next to everything when it concerns Eden.

“What’re you going to do?”

“Nothing,” Eden says, makes a flippant gesture with her hand, “Dad wants me to fly and come visit, but...what’s the point? In a couple of days, hours...he’s gonna be dead. He’s gonna be six feet in the ground and I’m gonna still be here.”

He watches her wipe at her nose, and then rest her hands upon her stomach.

“Haven’t seen my dad in forever.”

“I’m sure he misses you. Or something.”

“Yeah, right,” she rolls her eyes, shifts to become more comfortable beside him, “I’m sure he misses me callin’ him every other day to bail me out. Or hiring a lawyer for me. Or paying for rehab and counselors and shit. I’m sure he misses all of that, y’know? Probably feels like I did ‘im a favor movin’ out here.”

She turns her head, stares at him. Lux stares back.

Voice quieter, Eden says, “We shouldn’t be fucked up just ‘cause of what our parents did and didn’t do. So, don’t try to convince me to go or nothing.”

“I’m not.”

She inhales, seems to be thinking, “You’re the only person I can talk to about this shit, okay? I can’t tell Dylan.”

Lux must look perplexed, because she sighs at him.

“He wouldn’t get it.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I don’t want to unload my shit on him. I mean - I already fuck around on him, might as well add to the list, right? I want to be--” She suddenly sits up, nervously wrings her hair in her hands and tosses it over her shoulder, “I want to be...good, Lux. For once in my fucking life. And Dylan, he makes me feel good. About myself. He made me forget all about...about all of it. I go there and - and I’m gonna lose my shit, I know I am.”

“But you want to see your dad.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You don’t really have to.”

She stares at him, exasperated and teary-eyed, “He never believed me. Even when I--” She shakes her head, wipes at her nose again with her wrist, “Even when I showed him...he still...” Lux sits up too, but she doesn’t let him touch her. She looks as if she’ll bite off his hand if he even tried, “Fuck - shit--”

Frantically, her hands lift and wipe away any tears that may have escaped. Lux’s shoulders droop slightly, and he reaches for her again, soothingly touching her hair until he reaches her shoulder. She only grows softer like this when it overflows, when she can’t keep it in anymore and she’s left crying and grabbing at her chest and shoving pills down her throat. It reminds Lux of himself.

He holds her for awhile - until she’s finished.

“I don’t wanna get snot on your shirt. Stop it.”

“It’s okay.”

She looks up at him, eyes glossy and face flushed, “I should...get goin’. See if I can meet up with Dylan.” Without missing a beat, she stands from the bed and pulls her jacket up from the floor, shrugging it on. Like the moment never happened, like she’s never cried once in her life. When she’s done, she turns to face him, “I don’t look like shit, right?”

“I think you look beautiful.”

She stares at him for an extended amount of time, lips pressed firm. And then she’s back on the bed, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth and cupping his cheek. Pulling away, she locks eyes with him, “See you later?”

Lux touches her hand, feels it slip away only a moment later, “Okay.”

She’s gone after that.

.

Lux sometimes thinks he’s hollowed out. Like his bones weigh nothing, like a bird.

He remembers when he was younger, when he always wished he could fly. When he found a dead bird in his backyard and he buried it solemnly and tried his best not to cry. He remembers having nightmares about that bird, about it’s little limp body in his hands, underneath the snow, the black feathers that clung to his pink fingertips.

When he was fourteen, he had brought up the nightmares to his therapist and she’d seemed at a loss of what to say. His thoughts sound a lot more morbid out loud, he’d realized that.

After the trial, after what happened with Allison, he’d wished he could become a bird more and more each day. Just to fly away from here, to be empty inside, to be buried underneath the snow where no one could find him. For a year, every day he went outside to stand next to the bird’s grave, and one day Allison's dad had found him.

Things had been a blur after that. There had been blood in the grass, on his clothes, underneath his fingernails. And yelling, her dad’s strength was superior and Lux curled in on himself to keep from taking too much damage. He’d been kicked on his side, his boot shoved into his stomach - and he remembers hearing something crack.

He wasn’t like the bird. He wasn’t empty. The thought almost made him want to cry.

His sister had been the one who found him, who stopped it all. She’d pulled him off of Lux, cradled his head to her chest and pleaded with him, threatened him with the cops when he refused to leave. Lux can remember the sound of her heart against his ear, frantic and warm and alive.

He wishes things were like before. Where he didn’t feel so empty and clouded. Everything had been muddled and so confusing back then, but at least he knew his sister would be there. She was always there, any time he needed her.

And now--

“Luxen, are you paying attention?”

Eyes blink, chin lifts. And he looks to see that both his sister an her fiance are staring at him from across the table. He guesses he can understand why, he hasn’t even touch his food, and he’s been dozing in and out of the conversation with noncommittal shrugs and grunts under his breath. He drifts away in his thoughts a lot, this night even more than others. Lux’s fingers tighten around his fork, poke at his cut of meat. It looks unappetizing.

The restaurant they’ve invited him to is very nice. The nicest he’s been to, in fact. Its quiet and dimly lit, the waitress is very kind and patient when checking on them to see how the food tastes. He feels uncomfortable, accustomed to fast-food and grimy diners with strangers. The sweater she’d stuffed him in is itchy, he wants to tear it off and drag his nails across his skin until he bleeds. Eye contact is avoided, especially with the way Ben stares at him over the table. His gaze is warm, his smile is handsome, and he’s been nothing but overly friendly the entire night.

Ben leans over and says something in her ear, and it makes Lux’s sister laugh, hair brushing against her cheek when she turns and looks at him. They share a very sweet kiss, and Lux glares hard at the table to keep from staring. He doesn’t understand the point of being here, forced to sit and watch them in their pre-honeymoon phase, but there’s never been a point where he’s been able to say no to her.

“Luxen,” Ben says, he’s been trying his best to keep the conversation going, “I heard that you used to play soccer. Are you still into it?”

Lux looks up again. The last time he’d touched a soccer ball, he’d been in the second grade. He’d been terrible at it, could barely keep up with the other kids because of his thin frame. But, of course, his sister would remember something like that. She’s smiling at him, lifting her eyebrows as if to coax an answer out of Lux, “...not really.”

“I was asking because my boss had these tickets he was about to throw away, managed to swipe ‘em off before he did. Thought we could go, just us guys,” Ben continues, “It’ll be fun.”

Lux doesn’t want to go. Lux doesn’t want to be anywhere near him, but he can’t say that out loud. Each word, each kiss shared between them, each meaningful glance, each time either one say his name. It’s like blows to the chest, he can barely withstand it. He wants to curl in on himself, wrap arms around his midsection to keep himself from rocking in his seat.

His sister’s hair is straight today - for some reason, it reminds him of Allison's. The thick, heady smell of her perfume wafts in Lux’s direction when she brushes a lock of gold behind her ear and tosses the rest over her shoulder. He shouldn’t be so aware of her, but he cannot help it. Every sense is in tune to whatever she may do.

“You changed your shampoo,” It’s out of his mouth before he can stop it, and his sister’s expression becomes one of surprise, “I...I can tell.”

“You have a good nose,” Ben tells him, “We’re trying this all-natural bathroom set, your mother took us to the spa - what was it - two weeks ago? Anyway, we...” Lux is barely paying attention, he’s too busy staring at her. Her eyebrows furrow subtly, head tilts at him, and she has this almost begging look on her face ( don’t mess this up, Luxen ).

He doesn’t trust himself not to. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Ben - he’s kind, patient, selfless. But Lux cannot stop this ugly feeling that churns in his stomach, makes him queasy and bleary-eyed. He wishes he wasn’t here, he wishes he was anywhere else but here. She’s found someone who will cherish her like she deserves, and its such a frightening thought that his chest seizes up.

He’ll be alone. He’ll be without her. He won’t have anyone. She’s the only thing he has left, there’s nothing and no one else. Just himself and his thoughts and his loneliness that shrouds over him like a blanket.

“...and we’re trying to make sure we schedule everything right. Everything has to be perfect, Mrs. Pierce will do nothing but fuss. She’s a lot tougher than she looks,” Ben is still going, “For the wedding, we made sure to get these little ice-carved doves for each table. It’s really going to be--”

Lux suddenly stands. It’s almost violent - a glass knocks over and spills water all over the table-cloth. His sister is staring up at him, Ben has stopped talking. The noise has attracted other onlookers from close tables. An ice-cold feeling drips into his stomach, and under his breath, he manages to say “sorry” before he leaves. Through the dining area, to the door, almost runs right over an old lady and her grandkid in his haste.

The bitterly cold air welcomes him, hits him right in the face as soon as he makes it outside. Still, he can barely breathe, he has to sink to his knees and place his head in between them to inhale properly. Each breath is stuttering and almost painful, he can’t take one in fully without gasping. The sound of her heels barely register, tear-soaked eyes lift to see her standing over him, a disappointed look on her face.

Lux’s voice is barely there when he speaks, “I’m sorry--”

“I don’t want to hear it. Just go home,” He doesn’t move at first, she’s pointing vaguely in the opposite direction of the restaurant, “Go, Luxen.”

He stands on weak legs. She’s still staring at him, cheeks and nose flushed from the cold, eyes narrowed, “But...I can...”

“You can’t obviously. You said you could handle it and you can’t,” She appears frustrated, screws up her lips before spewing, “God, can you just act normal? For once? Can we just be...brother and sister without you freaking out, Luxen?” He’s sorry. He’s so sorry. He doesn’t know what else to say, each apology blurts from him uncontrollably. But it doesn’t look like she’s listening anymore, “I’m trying, because I want you there for my wedding. I want you to be there and--”

“Don’t be mad at me.”

She releases this almost frustrated little huff, disbelief coloring her face, “You do this every time. Go forbid anyone makes me happy, right? Are you trying to make me end up like you? Alone or something? How can I trust you?”

She can’t, she shouldn’t. His body feels as if it weighs a hundred-thousand pounds. She’s going to leave, he knows she is. And it’s such a terrifying thought that his stomach clenches tight and it’s hard to breath thereafter, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please don’t--”

“Just go. Leave. Go, Luxen.”

She doesn’t give him a chance to say anything more, she turns her back on him and walks back inside. Lux stays there for a long time, hoping she will come back at some point. Like when they were kids, she would grow upset, storm off, and return to him only an hour or so later. That’s how long he waits, an hour, until an employee tells him no loitering is allowed.

He rides the bus back to his side of town. By that point, time has become a blur. It’s not like he gives it much thought - what he wouldn’t give to be like the bird, buried and gone and forgotten. He wishes he could scoop his guts out so he didn’t feel anything inside, so he could be completely empty.

He curls up into the bus seat - it’s more or less empty and quiet, besides the sound of the engine and creaky wheels. The cushion underneath him is warm with tears, and for some reason, it only reminds him of that time in the closet. How alone he was, how trapped he felt after Allison ran out and left him there, her underwear ripped in his hand. He didn’t think there was a worst feeling than that in the world, turns out he was wrong.

The only reason he makes it off the bus is because the driver shakes him awake when he’s at the end of the line. And from there, he walks alone, staring at the damp sidewalk underneath his feet. He’s unaware of the world around him, body on full auto-pilot mode, and that’s probably how he even manages to get to his apartment building.

Surprisingly, someone is there waiting for him.

Tanner pushes off the wall when he gets close enough, his voice is the first thing that registers, “Fuck’re you wearing? She stuff you into that ugly thing?” He reaches for him, picks lint off the sweater. His fingers pause there, curl tentatively around Lux’s shoulder when he doesn’t respond, “Lux? Hey, what’s goin’ on?”

No matter how long it’s been, it’s still hard to catch his breath. Dully, he can at least tell there is genuine worry in his voice, that only makes him feel heavier than before.

It hurts. Fuck, it hurts.

He must be speaking out loud, because Tanner’s arms come around him, and Lux is powerless to fight him. He doesn’t want to, the thought barely crosses his mind, and he finds himself curling into Tanner rather than anything else. He’s a solid weight against him, he feels a lot stronger than Lux could ever hope to be.

The words spill out of him before he can stop them, leaves his mouth dry and bitter, “...she hates me.”

It doesn’t take a genius to know what he’s talking about. Tanner’s strength is surprising, his hands grip at Lux’s shoulders and forces him away from his chest, “Who gives a shit what she says?”

“She--”

“She’s fucked in the head, Lux. Completely fucked.”

His breathing still feels off, it accelerates more when their eyes meet. His voice sounds weak, even to his own ears, “I can’t...She’s...” She’s all he has, she’s all he’s ever going to have. And if she leaves, he has no one. When he looks into Tanner’s face, he can see a shred of frustration there, almost hostility. Lux’s voice dies in his throat, it takes him a moment to realize he doesn’t really need to tell Tanner what he is feeling. Because he already knows, because he’s experienced it himself.

Tanner’s kissing him before Lux can even form a proper word. His hands come up to frame his face to keep him still, steady him. He kisses back with the same amount of intensity, arms twist around his midsection, hands trailing up to his shoulders. He can’t get enough of Tanner’s solid warmth, not when he feels this cold and empty.

It’s the type of kiss that keeps him grounded and Lux finds himself pressing up into it desperately. Tanner is the one who breaks it first, presses his forehead against his, meets his eyes. He’s slightly out of breath, keeps his grip and focus though, “Look at me.”

Lux does what he says, he wants to tell him that he doesn’t even want to be in his own body right now, he doesn’t want to be a person. He wants to feel far away from here, secluded, “It’s okay. Look at me, it’s okay, Lux. I got you.”

Lux doesn’t say anything, only presses his forehead to Tanner’s chest. He can feel the thrum of his heart there.

Even when they’re inside, Tanner’s arms never fall away from around him. Lux only sleeps out of pure exhaustion, it makes it hard to concrete and makes his eyelids feel like a hundred pounds. Tanner is still there when he awakes hours later - it’s dark outside still and the street light from out his window is the only thing helping.

Tanner glances over at him when Lux begins to stir, his expression is carefully blank. Lux only stares at him, “You stayed.”

“Why would I leave?”

He goes quiet at that, burrows deeper into his pillow, “...Don’t know,” Everything’s different with Tanner, easier to decipher. And yet, somehow still a puzzle that he can’t seem to put together right. It’s like he’s missing a bunch of pieces still, but he can make out the picture at the very least. In their silence, he feels as if he needs to apologize, so he does just that, “I’m s--”

“If you say sorry,” Tanner’s voice is quiet, “Don’t.”

“But I--”

“Don’t. Y’shouldn’t be the one apologizing anyway.”

Lux doesn’t say anything. He only steadily moves closer to Tanner, tentatively until they’re pressed tight. His head lies heavy on his thigh, one hand curls around his knee. Tanner lets him, presses his fingers to his shoulder and then rests them around his nape firmly.

And in the morning, he wakes up first.

He feels too heavy to move. He rolls onto his side, finds Tanner is still limp and dead to the world, more or less. Lux stares at him for a long, long time.

There’s an surge of memories from the night before that only make him tremble. Each word he can remember, cutting from his sister’s mouth as if he may be some type of stranger, it’s like a new lash every time. He wishes things didn’t affect him this much, he wishes he could be more like Eden and shake things off, he wishes he could be like Tanner and tough it out. He wishes he could anyone but himself.

Anyone.

Please don’t hate him. Please want him. Please care about him.

He presses his face into the pillow, bites down on his tongue until he tastes copper. He stays like that for awhile, immobile and attempting to control his fidgeting. He can hear Tanner shifting in his sleep beside him, and it makes it a little easier to breathe. Out of the corner of his eye he can spot the lax lift and fall of Tanner’s chest, and he does his best to copy.

Moving closer, he cannot help but study his features - the length of his eyelashes, the way his lids moved as he dreamed, the soft furrow of his brow that smoothed out after a few seconds.

Like before, Lux’s fingers lift him his side, hesitate and stop an inch away from Tanner’s head. He doesn’t want to touch him, he doesn’t know if he’s worthy of touching him still. He’s soiled and gross and sort of fucked up. But he remembers Tanner assuring him that everyone is, deep down inside, some are just better than others with hiding it. He doesn’t know if that makes him feel better or not, though.

He’s not supposed to touch people, he doesn’t trust himself to just touch someone and for it to be okay.

But he is powerless to this strange, magnetic pull between the two of them. So, his palm slowly comes in contact with the side of Tanner’s head, gingerly and tenderly. Fingers card through his hair for a moment, and then curve around his ear.

His skin is soft. Sunlight passes over his features, highlights the different browns in his hair, makes his eyelashes almost appear blond. His skin looks golden under the glare, and Lux can’t do anything but watch him.

He pauses for a moment, fingers pressing delicately to the skin of his neck. And then he takes Tanner’s arm, lifts it so it can be around his shoulders, and burrows further into his side like the night before. For the rest of the day, they stay like that, even when Tanner awakes, and even when the moon is back, they stay in bed.

A part of him still wishes he could be empty, though. Empty and then for Tanner to fill the space.

.

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