Universally the Same

I found a writing yesterday morning that I wrote approximately 2 years ago.  I’m assuming I was too self-conscious at the time to share it to my blog.  But in reading it just now, I thought it was a beautiful message and definitely worthy of sharing. I wrote the title of the post this morning and found it to be an interesting twist of irony given the topic.  Hopefully this post helps offer a different perspective... 

TWO YEARS AGO...

Yesterday, while packing up our non-essential clothes in preparation of our big move, my husband came across a shirt that we saved years ago and dubbed it “My Biggest Loser” shirt. It’s a shirt from many years ago when I was close to my largest size.  When we decided to save that shirt, it was in the height of my yoyo dieting. And my intention was to put that shirt back on when I got to my goal weight so that I could take pictures to share with people.  

When he asked me about saving it, I told him to throw it out. Knowing I’m on this intuitive eating journey, he made the comment about me not “doing that” anymore.  It was this weird moment of internal conflict where I can honestly say that I felt torn about throwing the shirt out.  

Part of me was afraid that by throwing it out, it meant that I would never lose weight again.  But my higher-self interrupted my fear, reminding me that act of throwing out a shirt doesn’t make time stand still.  Change is constant, and even more so when you are on a journey of growth.  

That shirt was a representation of who I was at a point in time. To hold on to it with the intention of using it in the future so that I can put it back on at a smaller size and say “look at me now!” is a sign of disrespect towards who I was in that moment.

It’s essentially saying that I wasn’t good enough when I was wearing that shirt.  That something was “wrong with me”.  By me holding onto that shirt, I am giving power to diet culture and the media’s message that “smaller is better”.   And if I were to actually put on that shirt and take that photo, then I would be participating in, and encouraging their message.

And it would not only being saying that that particular version of myself was “bad”, but that every version between that point, and up until I decided I was finally “worthy” of taking that photo, wasn’t good enough either.

So my question to everyone who is constantly on a quest to change your physical appearance.  When will you ever be good enough?  When will you be deserving of all the things that you are withholding from yourself now?  If you strip away your appearance, what’s left?  What are your strengths? I bet it’s not an easy exercise to do.

Seriously… give yourself a few minutes now to try to see yourself without that “limitation”.  Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and let go. Let go of the fear, let go of the insecurity.  Ask yourself, “who am I?”

Are you someone who is compassionate? Hopeful? Spiritual? Curious? Kind? Funny? Creative?

Are you still struggling? Do you need help seeing your strengths? Here is a link to a questionnaire that can help you identify them.  https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register

It’s so easy to focus on all the things that are “wrong with us” when we live in a world that thrives on comparison.  When we are surrounded by messaging that is constantly reinforcing this idea that we are not good enough.  But if you take the time to really look at yourself as more than a physical shell, you will see that there is so much more to you.  

Caught the end of Lorie Ladd‘s live video today on Instagram and this line struck a chord in my soul. This is the essence of empowerment. It’s what it all boils down to. ⁣

Learn to tune into your intuition and then work on being able to trust that inner knowing above anything else.⁣

How does this quote make you feel? Even though it resonates deeply, I’d be lying if I said that on some level it also doesn’t terrify me. ⁣

But THAT’S how powerful we are. And I think that scares many of us. We all know what’s best for us. We always know the answer, it’s just sometimes we don’t want to hear/see/feel it. We’d rather stay bubble-wrapped in protection from our deepest truths. ⁣

The thing is that now is the time to step into that power. Make those changes that need to be made, speak your truth, stand up for yourself. Give yourself more compassion than you’ve ever given yourself before. ⁣

You are worthy of it all. We all are. But while you are remembering what a powerful being you are, remember also to love your neighbor. Respect each other and your differences. Embrace your individualities and support each other without tearing each other down. ⁣

I haven’t really written about my Intuitive Eating journey. It was easy for me to share my Optivia Journey in 2018 because it was part of diet culture. By choosing to be on this diet, it showed the world that I was a “good fattie”. I was “doing the right thing” by trying to lose the weight.

Intuitive Eating on the other hand, has been a very different journey for me. It’s been unlearning Diet Culture. It’s being brave enough to go against the grain. It’s being brave enough to realize that I deserve to be loved in my now body (what ever that may look like at any given time). It’s being brave enough to meet my shadow sides so I could start to truly heal the trauma that has played a very big role in my life. It’s being brave enough to reconnect to a body and emotions that I disconnected from so many years ago as a way to protect myself, and being brave enough to feel again. It’s being brave enough to trust myself, to trust my intuition, and to work hard at getting my body to trust me since I spent so many years handing my power over to someone or something else.

Going through this process left me feeling vulnerable, and while I’m all about sharing vulnerability, I had no desire to share what I was going through at the time I started this process. I honestly believe that I was incapable of sharing my experience. Not for fear, or shame, but because I don’t think I would have been able to express what these last three years have meant to me. What lessons I’ve learned. Throw a world-wide pandemic into the mix, and the lessons amplify that much quicker!

One of my biggest fears about starting intuitive eating (IE) was weight gain. So I’ll start there. I started IE right after a glorious 2 week trip in Europe. Prior to my trip, I had spent the summer on a super strict, highly restrictive diet called Optavia. Due to the extreme nature of this diet, I lost a lot of weight quickly. I dropped about 60 pounds in about 4-5 months. When I went to Europe, I was at my lowest adult weight since being 20 years old.

I had so much fear about gaining that weight back, and more. The diet caused my thyroid disease to flare up making life nearly unbearable and I knew it was not maintainable. I also knew that if I stayed on it and continued to lose weight, it would be more weight that I would potentially gain back when the program ended. I couldn’t keep up with it. I also knew that the vicious cycle of dieting was not the answer, and that I needed to understand and heal my relationship with food.

As I gave myself permission to eat (which is one of the first steps in IE), I started to gain the weight back. It was slow at first. When I was on the Optavia diet, I was not allowed to exercise. Once I got off of it, and started eating real food again, I started having the energy to do things. The year that followed was wonderful. It was full of day trips, being active, and enjoying life. Then COVID hit.

I went from being active, to being inactive. I started working from home. I don’t like wearing a mask because with my asthma, I feel like I can’t breathe, so I chose to stay home most of the time. I stopped being out in public aside from going to the store. Then, that summer, I took 2 hard falls and I tore my meniscus. My inactivity hit an all time low, as I was super restricted with what I could do. This is when the weight gain increased even more. I wasn’t happy about my consistent increase in size, but I knew that tearing my meniscus wasn’t my fault, nor was the pandemic. One of the perspectives taught in IE is being present in our current body. Knowing that life, circumstances can always change. Being able to recognize that, while I may be injured and inactive now, it doesn’t mean I’m always going to be.

Mindfulness through mediation was a huge part of my spiritual awakening. But mindfulness in general has become an even bigger part of my IE journey. It’s funny how I stopped meditating years ago (probably around the time I started my Optavia program), yet I feel more present now than I ever have been. I attribute that to my realization that I was living life in a disassociated body.

The first clue to this, was realizing how hard it was for me to feel my hunger and fullness queues. I couldn’t believe how frustratingly difficult it was to rate how hungry or full I was. And many times, I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t hungry or full. Regardless of how little or how much I ate. My IE nutritionist, and my therapist were both telling me it was normal and that it took time. I kept trying to be patient, but it wasn’t easy.

Then, I started reading a book series where the main character was a psychopath with no emotions. Don’t worry, I’m not a psychopath, nor am I an emotionless robot, but I was surprised by how often I was able to relate to the character in this book. I started talking to my therapist about it, and discovered that I was mainly feeling extreme emotions, but otherwise, I was left feeling pretty numb. What scared me most about this realization was seeing how I thought what I was feeling, or rather what I wasn’t, was totally normal.

Learning about my disassociation really opened up the door for me to start exploring my trauma in a different way. Behind that door, I learned that the disassociation was a way for my body to protect me. The problem was, that I started realizing how much I didn’t want to be numb. I wanted to feel.

In order to do that, I needed to get my body to trust me. To know that I was able to take care of us. It’s a pretty daunting task that takes so much patience, presence, and work, but it started happening!

It was easier for me to tap into emotions, especially the one’s people typically think of as negative, or “bad” emotions. But here’s the thing. No emotion is negative or bad. They are here for reasons. These uncomfortable emotions show us areas where we can make changes, areas where we can grow.

In the beginning, my therapist and I spent a lot of time just trying to name emotions. It’s actually pretty frustrating when you stop and think about how there are over 150 emotions, yet we really only ever learn about the most common ones. (And I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember ever being truly taught about even those!) Anyway, part of the job of naming emotions required me to be present in my body DURING the experience, so I could identify what sensations I was feeling in my body.

This was the start of delving into mindfulness and presence on a much deeper level. And let me tell you, THIS was HARD. I can’t tell you how many times I would get emotional only to realize later that I had no idea how the emotion actually FELT. Eventually, after having this happen over and over and over, I would make the realization sooner, and eventually, I was able to recognize it in the moment instead of afterwards.

Next comes figuring out the fine line between allowing yourself to feel the emotion so you can release it, but not letting it consume you. Especially when you start doing trauma work and revisiting old, stored emotions. This requires grounding. Grounding helps bring you back to your body and back to the now. I don’t know why, but for some reason I resisted this. Time and time again, my therapist would give me grounding techniques, but I wouldn’t use them. Maybe it was because I wanted to believe I was in control therefore I didn’t need them, but the truth is that I did. Breathing in essential oils is the grounding method that I connected to the most.

The more that I did this work, the more my body started trusting me. It was the first time that I was truly showing up for myself so deeply in a nonjudgmental way, and accepting myself. -Which I want to acknowledge that the journey of acceptance and self-love is not an easy one, but I had been working on that in the years leading up to my IE journey.

We’re now about a year-and-a-half into my IE journey. Let me recap the steps to earning my body’s trust up to this point.

• I was allowing my body to eat. This is a very important step because every time you diet, you are throwing your body into a famine state which slows down your metabolism, so when you go off of a diet, your body starts to take the food you are eating and begins storing it to help prepare for the next “famine”, aka diet. By allowing my body to eat, I was showing it that it was safe.

• I started getting present and curious which helped me identify my disassociation.

• I began taking steps to reconnect with my emotions and my body.

• I was honoring my current circumstances, and not blaming myself for my injury, or my weight gain. I was trying my best to remain neutral.

I will never forget the first time my body spoke to me. I don’t remember exactly when it was, but I do remember where. We were in the car, leaving my husband’s mom’s house and we had stopped at a convenience store for drinks. I had a habit of drinking Cola-Cola as a “pick-me-up”. Since I was feeling particularly tired that day, I grabbed a 20 oz bottle of Coke. I remember the more I drank it, the worst I felt. It was the first time in my life that I can remember feeling bloated. I had heard people talk about it so much, but I had never experienced it. Or at least, I never was aware of it. My stomach was under so much pressure. What’s funny is that for an experience that was so unpleasant, what stands out to me more is remembering how I couldn’t be happier!

Part of IE is not only being aware of your hunger and fullness queues, but it’s also recognizing how certain foods make you feel. Up to this point, all of that had been a giant question mark, a blank page. But now? I had something to write down. Something to notice.

I wasn’t a huge soda drinker, but when I wanted that “pick me up” or when we would go out to eat, or ordered in, I enjoyed having a flavored drink with my food. About a week later, we ordered pizza for dinner so I had a can of soda with it. I felt disgusting. I had barely touched my pizza and I felt so full from being bloated. Now it became an experiment... bottled soda? Felt horrible. Canned soda? Even worse. Fountain soda? I’m good.

At this point I’ve pretty much eliminated canned and bottled soda from my life, but not because it’s coming from a place of restriction. It’s because I genuinely don’t want it because I can now identify how terrible it makes me feel.

While I can’t say that this has been a consistent occurrence, I’m confident that the more in touch with my body I get, the more it will talk to me. The reason I feel so confident about that is because in the months that followed after having my soda experience, I started being able to identify hunger and fullness queues within my body.

I can’t even begin to describe how much easier it is to determine what portions your body needs and wants when you can actually tell, not only whether or not you are hungry, but how hungry you are. It’s still not an easy thing to tap into. It comes and goes, but what I can tell you is that being present helps tap into it tremendously.

The other piece of this work that is necessary and plays into the presence piece, is becoming a neutral observer. I mentioned before the importance of being nonjudgmental and this piece is key, and it’s so fucking hard. We live in a very polarized society where everything is black and white. There’s the right way, and the wrong way. The sky is blue, and the grass is green. But the secret and a super important key to happiness is learning how to live life in the gray zone.

The sky may be blue on sunny days, but it’s also gray when overcast, black on a moonless night, and then sometimes it’s on fire with the most vibrant shades of yellow, orange, and pink when the sun rises and sets. And don’t get me wrong, a blue sky filled with white puffy clouds makes my soul sing, but the power that can come from an ominous overcast sky, or the magic that comes from a dark star-filled night, or the wonder of a super colorful sunset would be completely missed if we held too tightly to fact that the sky is blue.

How does this play into being an observer? It does so because once observation mode kicks in, you need to be able to see how everything you’ve been told has shaped who you are and what your beliefs are. You have to be willing to let all of that go and enter into a state of neutrality so that you can be objective to witnessing how these storylines are affecting you. You need to be able to decide which of these things resonate with your soul and which don’t. And you need to be able to start letting go of the things that no longer resonate (or maybe never even did).

As I began to unravel the stories, emotions started popping up. Along the way I’ve met younger versions of myself, and when these versions come out, I have to step into the parent role. I need to offer the love, compassion, and understanding to that little girl that she never got from her mother. Each time I’ve met one of these versions I’ve written her a letter and I’ve assured her that “I’ve got this”, I can now keep us safe. And the more I reinforce to my body and myself how safe we actually are, the more that keeps showing up for me to love and release.

Another element in this is sovereignty. I’ve realized throughout this journey how much I was being controlled by things outside of myself. Whether it was my abusive mother, diet culture and the diet industry, society’s polarized influence, and/or my own fears and insecurities surrounding the need to “fit in” and be a “good girl” or a “good citizen”. But every time I made a choice based on outside influences, I wasn’t being true to myself. I was allowing myself to be controlled in one way or another. And so, breaking free of all that, allows me to be the one in control. It is me making a choice to be sovereign and free. And the more you tap into that freedom, the stronger you become.

My IE journey that I started almost 3 years ago has merged with my spiritual awakening journey that I started about 5 years ago. It’s been such a beautiful, awe-inspiring journey watching these separate journeys blend. The points of intersection blow my mind every time I see them. Most recently their merge is sending me in the direction of really opening up, welcoming in, and learning about somatic (body) work. The Universe has a way of leading you on your journey if you are tuned in enough to notice it.

My therapist went out on maternity leave late last month, and in the 2 weeks leading up to her leave, I started getting slammed with posts related to somatic work. Her and I started talking about them and we both agreed that it would be a great direction to head into and explore while she was out. The body work I’ve done up to this point, has been very organic and intuitive, but I imagine that the more I educate myself on the process the more effective it can be.

Part of this next step has been downloading the Curable app which has been teaching me about the nervous system and how trauma affects the nervous system, the brain, and the body. There are different exercises to help release stored trauma within the body, and that help rewire the brain. So far it’s been very enlightening and I’m very excited to see where this journey will take me.

If you’re still reading this post, I thank you for staying with me this long. It was important to me to put out a post about my Intuitive Eating journey in my years post Optavia. Part of my stand against diet culture has been sharing my Optavia experience online though my old blog and this one. I’m proud to say that my 1 Year update post that I did (on Wordpress) has created a space in the comments section for people to share their experiences, or their concerns. I felt it was important to write this post to share as a 3 year update to offer hope for anyone out there who may feel as discouraged and scared as I felt back then. If this happens to you be you, please know that you are stronger than you think, and loved move than you know.

I’ve been working my way through this book titled Rituals of Transformation. The book has 108 lessons dealing with body, mind, and spirit. After each lesson you are prompted to meditate on it, write an intention based on it, then journal in the morning and evening.

It’s been an intense journey so I’ve been taking time off when it becomes too heavy and for some lessons, I’ve been spanning them out over 2 days, instead of doing the AM/PM thing.

After taking a couple of days off, I started it back up this morning. My intuition wanted me to go back and reread some of the lessons. In rereading parts of them, it just hit me that God/the Universe/Source loves me. 😭😭😭 That this love is truly unconditional, with absolutely NO judgements. There is never hesitation, question, doubt. There’s no insecurity, no jealousy, no anger, no resentment. It’s just pure love at its essence.

This whole idea of “waiting for/searching/needing approval” is all in my head. It’s something that my mind created all those years ago. I was never good enough for my mother. I could never be who she wanted me to be. But really? Even if I could... even if I could have won her love and approval, if the abuse could have stopped, it wouldn’t have been for ME. I wouldn’t be who I was meant to be. I would have been a construct of her. And in a way, maybe I still am because I’m always looking for approval. Walking that fine line so that I don’t piss someone off by speaking, or living in MY truths.

I was reading an article this morning which started off as a beautiful piece about what we’ve been seeing happening to the world as a result of this crisis.  How “stopping the world” and taking a giant pause has lowered pollution levels and how wildlife is starting to reclaim their space in our cities.  It was an article that started to offer hope of a world where we could take what we’ve learned from this pandemic and use it to make the world better for future generations.  But then the article took a nasty turn and shifted into a very fear based piece.  

I’ve felt a call to want to write during this pandemic to help be a voice of hope, but I’ve also felt a need to be quiet and observe what’s going on.  The article I read this morning pulled me out of my silence.  Over these last several weeks I’ve been witnessing so much fear mongering from the media that it just turns my stomach and infuriates me.

I’m not saying that the virus isn’t real.  I see that people are sick and people are dying.  I know that people are losing their jobs.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be concerned, or that fear is an invalid emotion. Hell.. I’ve been scared too!  I get it!  These are scary fucking times that we are living in right now.  

We are all going to process that fear differently. But the last thing we need is the mainstream media preying on and exploiting that emotion.  I want so badly for people to see how much we are controlled by a select few.  This is not something new folks.  When I was in college obtaining my journalism and public relations degree they talked about this all the time.  And with major media mergers in recent years, it just keeps getting worse.

We live in a country that was founded on free speech, yet when people enact that right and try to speak out against the main narrative what happens?  They are attacked.  They are shamed, or made to look like fools, or worse.  It is very scary to give that much control to a select few.  And what is even scarier is the idea that many people don’t question what they are told.

I’ve spent years on a spiritual journey and part of that journey has been re-conceptualizing the idea of the word truth.  Growing up, truth was something that was concrete.  When I was told something, it was either true, or it wasn’t.  Back then, truth was a universal concept to me. If everyone around me believed it, then it was true.  I hate to admit this, but I didn’t think for myself.  

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that truth is not something that is concrete.  Truth is not something that is programmed into us.  It is something that we must learn and discover for ourselves.  What is true for me, may not be true for you.  And we need to realize that it’s okay for us to be different and to see things differently.

This fear programming by the mainstream media and major corporations creates division among us in society.  It separates and labels us.  If we are not united, we are easier to keep in check, to keep in control.  This fear is also exploited so that they can make more money. So that they can sell us whatever we need to be protected from whatever it is that’s currently threatening us.

Now, I’m not calling for us to overthrow the government, or something extreme like that.  But what I am praying for is that everyone can wake up and realize the manipulation that is happening all around us.  That we can see the truth for what it is.  That we can learn how to embrace each other and our differences.  

Energy is all around us. It connects us.  It can unite us.  I have hope that this pandemic will change our world for the better.  While the media is pushing fear at us, I see so much love and hope around me pushing back.  

I see the bravery and strength of our essential workers, trying their very best to keep the world going right now.  I see the people working tirelessly sewing masks to be donated to those who need it most. The local distillery using their equipment to make and handout sanitizer to the community since it’s unavailable. I see the videos coming from Italy where even though quarantined, music has created unity.  

Creativity is flourishing in countless ways right now! Businesses are figuring out how to adapt and keep their employees safe. Schools have figured out how to introduce home schooling.  I’ve witnessed workers in a senior living community find new ways to bring joy and a sense of normalcy to their residents. I have friends who are live-streaming yoga classes and others who are offering mediation breaks to help keep us sane, connected, and grounded.  

Welcome to Universally the Same!  Where I believe that self-acceptance is the key to universal change.  If we could all embrace the qualities that make us different from each other, we would realize that it’s these qualities that make us beautiful.  They are the the things that make you, YOU.  Every one of us has uniqueness, it’s just that society tries to shape us into a mold.  

We grow up and live in a world that keeps us reigned-in by making us feel unworthy.  Surrounded by media that reinforces the idea that we’re not good enough, they control us.  They damper our spirit which takes away our drive and our power.  They literally rob us of our hard earned money by getting us to buy products or services that try to make us fit into their mold.

I’m here to remind people that this doesn’t have to be the story.  You can learn to love yourself as you are right now.  Sound too scary?  How about learning to accept yourself for how you are right now.  I’m not going to lie, it’s hard work.  But if you’re brave enough to give it a go, you’ll start to gain your power back.

I’ve spent my whole life living in this space of unworthiness. Never feeling that I live up to society’s expectations.  Let’s face it, I don’t.  I’m fat.  But that doesn’t mean that I have to accept their skewed opinion of me based on a physical glance.  I’m so much more than my body, and I’m as worthy of love as anyone else.

I’m also witchy woman.  I love nature, crystals and crystal healing, oracle cards, smudge, sound healing, yoga, the moon, and so much more.  My husband and I are Reiki III practitioners and work with Universal Life Force energy to help people feel better.  For my personal treatments, I take this energy in from nature and then I equally give it back.  

For awhile I had two different blogs.  Once focused on my Health at Every Size (HAES) and Intuitive Eating journey (which at one point WAS focused on losing weight because let’s be real... that’s where I’ve spent most of my life.. trying to fit in).  The other was focused on my spirituality.

Now how can you stand there and honestly say There never were any real promises made? The moon is my witness, the stars will agree They all heard you promise you'd always love me I know that it's true, but it's hard to believe You lied to the moon The stars and me. -Dolly Parton, The Moon, the Stars, and Me.

Dolly and her songs got me through the hardest time in my life. While I don’t believe this song was written with the intention of it being about a mother leaving her daughter, it’s always resonated with me in that way.

As a teenager, I spent hours in my bedroom crying my heart out to this song. Questioning so many things. What was wrong with her? How could she just walk away? What did I do to make her not love me? So much anger, sadness, doubt, and confusion.

I was blessed to have people around me that loved me and would tell me that it wasn’t me, it was her. Luckily, I believed them and that’s how I was able to move on. But as I’m now realizing, there is a big difference between believing something with your brain and believing it with your heart. My brain and I have gotten quite close over the years. Living from this head-space has protected me from having to deal with bottled up emotions.    

Last summer, my old therapist actually suggested that I not listen to Dolly anymore because I found that certain songs would trigger trapped emotions. I remember when she suggested that, something felt very wrong.  It also felt very sad. Like I was throwing away a piece of myself.  Which, I mean, essentially... I was.

A year later, on a completely different journey with a new therapist, I brought out my Dolly playlist and when this song came on, I allowed myself to go back in time to my childhood bedroom, and allowed that little to cry. And to my surprise unresolved questions that I had subdued came pouring back out.    

I share all of this for many reasons. First, to show that even people who are inherently positive and optimistic still struggle. No one’s life is perfect. We all have shit in our closets.

Secondly, I currently believe that we shouldn’t avoid the things that make us FEEL. (So long as that we are prepared and able to deal with the emotions that surface.) Yes. It’s so much easier to go through life putting those feelings away in some locked-up part of our heart where they can’t hurt us anymore. But does that really help us heal and grow? I don’t know. For me, I don’t think it does.

And on that note I want to say that while I will never question the truth that my life is way better without my abusive mother in it, it is equally important to go back as an adult and give a voice to that little girl that still lives in my heart.  She needs space to grieve the unfairness of it all. She needs acknowledgement, and I hope that the more I acknowledge her feelings, the more she will start to heal. 

Last night in therapy a very young, scared part of myself appeared.  We were trying to figure out  the root of my indecision in going to volleyball last week (even though I had an injury from yoga the week before).  For those who may not have seen it, I even posted a video on MCJ’s FB page last week on my indecision.  I felt so silly after posting it, but decided to keep it up on the page. And now I understand why, it was another avenue that I could reach out to for someone to help make the decision FOR me, so that I didn't have to make the decision for MYself.

The email I had written to my therapist that day was a cry for help.  Even though I logically knew I shouldn’t go to class that night, there was this opposing force that was not letting me make that decision peacefully. 

This is one piece of what I wrote in my email to her that day… It’s like all common sense leaves my body and I’m helpless to know how to take care of myself. 

My therapist, Katie, said that the reason that all common sense leaves my body is because my emotional brain is taking over.  She said there are times when the emotional brain becomes so strong that there is not enough space for both in that moment, so the logical brain temporarily leaves.  Such was the case last week.

As we started trying to unpack all of that, she asked what part of me was helpless.  As if on queue, panic overcame me and my eyes filled up with tears.  That scared little girl was present with us, in that very moment.  Katie had me take a deep breath, close my eyes and talked me through trying to tap into her.  Katie asked me how old she was.  I didn’t know.  I just knew that she was very young, the youngest part of myself that I've met thus far.  As I felt into her fear, tears began rolling down my cheeks.  Katie asked me what she was scared of.  And right away I heard my younger self say “my mom”. 

It was this weird few minutes of trying so hard to be compassionate and non-judgmental with her, but at the same time I was so incredibly frustrated by her answer.  It’s just layer, after layer, after layer.  I feel terrible for doing this, but I kept looking for another reason.  Waiting, encouraging her even, to tell me something new.  A different source of the fear.  But it didn’t come.  I couldn’t stay in that head space anymore.  I knew that being judgmental towards her wasn’t going to help anything, so I opened my eyes.    

As frustrated as I was by the answer, Katie knew how to help me decipher it.  And this, my friends, is what having a good therapist is all about.  She asked me how my mother reacted to my activities.  While I didn’t have many structured activities, I remember not being good at the ones I did partake in. 

There was gymnastics which I may have only gone to once or twice… I don’t remember, all I remember is that it made me feel bad about myself.  Then, I remember taking a few years of dance.  I can’t remember much of this period either, but I do remember being in the dance studio towards the end.  I remember learning that the next year we were going to be doing a lot more dancing on our toes which is something that I struggled with.  And I seem to remember being scared of the next year and not wanting to do it anymore.

I eventually ended up taking guitar lessons.  After determining that I was not really an athletic child, I was told that I needed to do something.  But I ended up quitting guitar because it hurt my fingers (which to this day I regret!)  and ultimately ended up taking several years of piano lessons (which I’m now thankful for, but at the time, I hated it.)

But before all of these examples came into my head the thing that really stood out to me, was that after the divorce, while I was living with my mother, I didn’t really do any activities.  I was literally forced to clean.  Like everything… from normal chores, to scrubbing down the kitchen cabinets, to washing the cars, and when everything else was clean I would be sent out to do garden chores. 

When I did actually have time to myself, and was allowed to hang out with my friend Kim who lived behind me, there was always a lot of fear involved.  I was constantly checking the clock to make sure I wasn’t home late, if Kim wanted to do something, there was so much fear because I either (A) had to get permission from my mother, which would result in her telling me no and getting mad that I asked, or (B) I would risk doing it without her knowing and possibly getting caught. 

Choice A had immediate consequences that I had to endure, while choice B had more severe consequences -- but only IF we got caught.  Which there were a few times that we did.  Even so, most of the time I ended up choosing option B, which would ultimately lead to a constant heightened state of fear and paranoia thinking that she was going to see me.  When we were protected enough doing whatever it was we were doing, I would finally let my guard down and have fun, which I suppose is why I kept taking the risk.   That and the possibility of not having to deal with a known immediate consequence.  

In my position of having an abusive mother, I was constantly in this limbo of I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t.  Most of the time, there were heavy repercussions either way.  So last night, we determined that in these instances where I have to make a decision in my present life, that that’s why I rely so heavily on having others tell me what to do.  Because in those moments where that paranoid little girl shows up, it’s the safe way out.  Someone else is making the decision for me. 

I feel like this actually makes so much sense. 

We made a lot of progress last night and I felt tired, but good, about everything when I left Katie's office.  On the drive home, I connected with that little girl again and apologized to her.  I told her how I was sorry that I wasn’t able to protect her back then, but how I could protect her now.  I told her how my mother is no longer in the picture.  That she hasn’t been for a very long time and that she didn’t have to be afraid of her anymore. 

As I consoled this young part of myself, a sick feeling began churning in the pit of my stomach.  At first I thought it was anger, but then I wasn’t so sure.  It would make sense for it to be anger, but with the nausea I was feeling, I’m leaning more towards the emotion being disgust.  Whatever the emotion was/is, it’s directed at the fact that my mother has been out of my life longer than she was in it, yet her presence in those early years has had such a powerful effect on me that I’m just starting to truly understand it all these years later. 

As frustrating as that is, I have to acknowledge the fact that, yes… I could have started this work earlier, but at least I’m doing it now. And every piece that I unravel helps me feel like I’m able to take that much more of my power back from her.  For anyone who has suffered trauma in their lives (or anyone really), if the thought of therapy even casually enters the peripherals of your mind, please, please, please go.  Talk to someone.  I put it off for years and finally making the decision to go has been so incredibly worthwhile.

The other lesson I pulled from my experience last week (again, thanks to Katie’s outside perspective) was that I’m still incredibly hard on myself.  I may not call myself names anymore, or be outwardly harsh and critical, but I still put incredible expectations on myself.  Over the last few years, I may have allowed myself the grace to fall from perfection, but I definitely still have a deep routed belief that I’m supposed to have my shit together, and in the moments that I don’t, not only do I fall apart, but I then judge myself for falling apart. 

My intuition is telling me that I'll be introduced to that highly judgmental part soon.  I'm actually kind of looking forward to meeting her and hearing her story.  I definitely want to help her heal too. Like I said earlier… its just layers, upon layers, upon layers.   

For those of you who have been following me for a while, you know that I’ve been working on self-love and self-acceptance for several years now. And in that time, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve grown in leaps and bounds in this area. Especially the area of self-acceptance.

For those who don’t know, for most of my life, I have been incredibly self-critical. Learning to let go of such extreme levels of perfectionism has felt so huge. And it IS huge! But recently, I’ve felt an even bigger shift in the self-love department. And while I feel that self-love and self-acceptance certainly fall into this shift, I think it would be more fitting to refer to this shift as body acceptance, because frankly… that’s what I’m talking about.

BODY ACCEPTANCE It’s a tough topic to discuss and one that I still feel pretty damn vulnerable putting out there to the world, but I think it’s an important topic. Recently my neighbor was nominated for a community award and the local news came out to do a story on him. I immediately agreed to be part of the story because he’s a great neighbor, I was excited for him, and I wanted to support him.

Later that night, all the mind chatter started. I started worrying about how I would look on camera. I don’t know if the rest of the world has this reality, but when I look in the mirror I see a very different person than who I see in photographs and video footage of myself.

The big day came and at that point I had pretty much talked myself out of participating but that morning I decided to “get ready” just in case. Mid-morning, I heard a knock on my door. It was his wife letting me know that if I wanted to be on TV now was the time. I admitted to her that I was scared, but she got me to come out anyway.

The journalist and camera man had us interact in different ways, but when all was said and done I didn’t feel very secure about the end result. At one point they had me up on my front porch while the camera man was filming from the ground. I mean… I know from my own experience that that happens to be one of the least flattering angles to be caught at. But at this point, it was what it was, and it was just a matter of seeing how they put it all together.

I worried about telling people about the new-story because I was afraid to have them see it before I did, but in the end I decided to put a post on Facebook the night before it aired. My logic to this decision was (a) the story is not about me, it’s about him, (b) the people I know, know what I look like… probably better than I do, and (c) I love my friends and family regardless of their size, color, race, gender, etc. So in theory, shouldn’t they love me in the same way?

The day of the story, I waited filled with equal emotions of anxiety and excitement, but the story never aired. We never got an explanation so we figured they decided not to run it, and that it wasn’t meant to be. The following week my neighbor messaged me that they would be running the story later that week.

I sat down to watch the story, curious to see how they edited the piece and put it all together, but terrified to see how I would look through the lens of the news camera. It turned out to be a sweet little feel-good piece, and as I watched it, it was as if I was observing the piece from another person’s eyes.

The story engulfed me, and “that girl” was just a small piece of it. I didn’t judge or criticize the girl I was seeing, and I was shocked to experience body acceptance on that large of a level. I was in such disbelief that I didn’t hate what I saw, that I actually backed the story up and played the frames I was in, in slow-motion in a really fucked-up attempt to find something to criticize.

And this was the only part of what aired that I didn’t like. I became angry that my first reaction upon feeling body acceptance was not to simply accept the fact that I was actually accepting myself, but that the natural inclination was to go back and try to find something to tear myself down.

And I will admit that while viewing the story in slow motion, there was a moment of uncertainty in my mind when I reached in to give him a hug. You could see my side profile and my clothed belly. But in that moment, instead of being repulsed, or disappointed, or ashamed, this little voice sounded in my head telling me… “it’s just a belly”.

A realization that hit me so hard and still has me reeling. It’s just a belly. We all have one. They come in different shapes, different sizes, different colors. But… we all have a belly.

I had a similar experience in yoga class the other week, but I didn’t pay much attention to it at the time. It wasn’t until the news story opened my eyes that I now see the importance of it.

In yoga we are constantly transitioning into different poses. I wear a long t-shirt to help prevent exposed skin, but inevitably it ends up happening. Every time I realize it, it’s feels like I am committing this horrible sin. How dare I expose a 1″ x 4″ strip of skin to my classmates. God forbid, you know… because, “I’m a big girl, and big girls aren’t supposed to show their fat. No one wants to see that, even if it is by accident.”

Well, the other day I was in yoga class and I had just got done transitioning through some warrior poses that required a lot of stretching, reaching, and folding at the waist. My shirt inevitably inched its way up. I caught sight of it in the mirror and for the first time I wasn’t mortified by this. It was another moment of… it’s just skin.

And after sitting with the impact of the “it’s just a belly” statement, I became more receptive to the lesson behind the “it’s just skin” comment that I had heard in my head. Similarly to the belly, we all have skin. Again, it comes in different colors. Some skin is tight and toned, other skin is flabby. Some skin is decorated with freckles, or stretchmarks, or battle scars. Some skin has sun damage, while other skin has been alive for decades. But in the end, it’s just another body part that makes us human. It’s a showcase of individuality in a way that makes us universally the same.

SHAME I don’t know if it’s the optimist in me, but while growing up, I was able to see good parts of myself, but I never liked my body as a whole. I thought I had pretty eyes, I liked my larger breasts, and at some point I started liking my legs.

But there were so many other things that I didn’t like. I hated the rolls around my middle, I hated that my thighs touched, my hair was 85% straight with a 13% wave and a 2% curl. Part of the 2% curl were the cowlicks that made up most of my bangs and would transform into devil horns whenever I would sweat or it was humid. I also had these two teeth that looked like tiny fangs. As my teen years progressed, I was hit with acne. It was just one body image issue after another.

Looking back on it now, I think a lot of it is the growing pains that probably everyone goes through, but I was one of those kids who was teased a lot in school. I went to a small grade school (K-8). My graduating year there were nine of us in the class, seven of which were boys. While I am grateful for my parochial school upbringing, there is always good and bad in every situation. Yin and Yang.

While the small class size was great for teacher-student attention, I believe it emphasized the cliques even more strongly. The pool of kids to pick on was much smaller, so it was easier to become the target. Between the bullying, and the physical and mental abuse I was going through at my mother’s house, I became very good at trying to blend in. That’s what you do when you are ridiculed for being yourself. I learned to adapt to my surroundings and situations. But this also shattered my confidence.

Looking back on pictures of me at that time, I’ll admit that I was bigger than the other kids, but I wasn’t fat. I didn’t know that at the time though. I believed all the name calling. At that age, why wouldn’t you? I mean from that perspective, I can remember feeling that if people didn’t want to play with me, and were calling me names… there must be something wrong with me.

I now know this isn’t true, but back then it was very hard to believe that. Especially when your mother is telling you the same things the kids are. Luckily my father was always a source of love. But he was concerned with my weight too and although his concerns came from that love, the fact that there was concern in the first place just further reinforced it.

As I’ve been going through this intuitive eating journey, and trying to reconnect to my emotions, one that I was having a hard time relating to was shame. It felt like such a foreign thing to me, until I saw myself on the news. During that moment of true, authentic, all-in self-love and being secure with my body for the first time since I was probably six or seven, suddenly I realized that I had been living my life in shame. As strange as it sounds, the reason I couldn’t identify with it, is because it was something that became such a part of me.

Earlier this year, my therapist and I discussed the possibility of some deep rooted subconscious self-worth issues. Thinking back on all the times I tried to make myself smaller so others wouldn’t see me, or how I would apologetically move out of people’s way – not simply for the sake of being polite, but because I felt that I was taking up too much room. Every time that I wanted to speak up for myself but wouldn’t open my mouth because I was afraid of being heard. Every time that I allowed myself to follow the crowd because I didn’t want to draw more attention to myself for being different. Nor, did I have the confidence to be different. In all of these circumstances I gave away my power. And in all of these circumstances it was based on shame and never believing that I was good enough.

And while we are on the subject of shame, I want to acknowledge that the stories we tell ourselves based on the stories told to us by others constantly feeds that. Based on conversations I’ve had with people (various doctor’s, physical therapists, and other professionals) I’ve been led to believe that my arch/tendinitis issue and my knee issue are both based on my weight. But the other day I was looking at pictures of myself as a teenager (the point where I was the skinniest and most fit I’ve been in my life).

As I sat there looking at the pictures, I started seeing the same patterns in the way I hold my body as “skinny person” that I do as a “large person”. Would losing weight help? I’m not saying it wouldn’t. But here I’ve been telling myself that it’s because of my weight that these things happened. When in reality my body was showing the signs of the issues back then.

Finding those pictures and remembering back to that age, I truly believe that these issues would have sprung up anyway. The weight may have intensified it, or possibly triggered it earlier, but I’ve been able to release that story from my head which has allowed the self-acceptance to grow a little more.

I think we so desperately want to have answers for everything, that we automatically believe stories that are told to us. Especially when they come from sources that are reputable, or people we trust. I’m not trying to discount people in the medical field, but this realization made me stop and think. Doctors, and everyone really, they all make their assumptions based off of a meeting with you. It could be a 15 minute appointment in their office, it could be someone that you see once a week like a banker, someone you see every two months like a hairdresser. It could be someone you talk to everyday – a close friend or family member.

And while all of these relationships are important in one way or another, they are not with you every second of the day. They are not living in your body. More likely than not, they haven’t known you your whole life. And while their insight and their feedback in important, we need to remember that in the end, we need to make decisions about what is best for us, what we believe, and the stories that we will tell ourselves based off of what we actually know.

Don’t get me wrong. This is hard, and probably a lot of times, we aren’t necessarily going to know what is best for us, or what we believe. So the best thing we can do is go with what we feel is the right thing in this moment. But that doesn’t mean that it’s over. That choice is not final. By staying open-minded and aware, we can still allow ourselves to take in new information. We are allowed to change our minds, to change our beliefs, and to change our stories.

One thing that this weight loss journey has taught me, especially as I’ve been reading though old posts lately, is that every time I made a decision, I did what felt right in that moment. I currently believe that every diet that I’ve been on, I was meant to be on. I believe that by living through my collected experiences, it has helped give me personal knowledge to understand this world of intuitive eating and be able to grasp some of the concepts better.

I also believe that I was born in this body for a reason. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, I’m sure this is one belief that will stand the test of time. And throughout my life, I’ve said multiple times that I struggle to lose weight for a reason. I had no idea what that reason was, or why. But I feel like the puzzle pieces are starting to fit together and it’s all making sense.

I believe I was put here to understand and help other’s see that diversity is not just about race, gender, age, or ability… it’s about size too. In a world where we are pushing to celebrate individuality, we need to realize that body size is just as diverse as skin shades.

At the age of 39 I finally embraced the task of relearning the piano. My husband bought me Stevie Nicks Greatest Hits song book for Christmas last year and I’ve been working on the song Leather and Lace ever since.

I’ve spent the last month or so recording myself playing in an attempt to nail it, but realized that real life isn’t about perfection. It’s about the journey and being proud of the steps you take along the way. I hope you enjoy listening to this as much as I enjoyed playing it. 🙂

My intuitive eating journey is starting to welcome the idea of movement.  For my whole life movement equaled exercise, which equaled a need to lose weight.  Pretty much the only times that I would exercise with any regularity where when I was in the throes of trying to change my body as a result of being surrounded by diet culture.

There are two other circumstances I can think of when I would exercise regularly.  The first being the many times I was in physical therapy rehabbing a body part due to an injury.  The other time is when I was about 18 years-old.  I was out late every night country line dancing, and I was going to the gym for fun.  Weight loss did end up being a side effect of this time in my life, but it was probably the most intuitive period in my life as an adult.  

I would eat whatever I wanted, and I only ate when I actually needed food due to my hectic teenager schedule (because you know... I was busy working, going to school and just living life to the fullest).  I danced because I loved it.  I worked out at the gym because it felt good.  And I ate what I wanted because I felt that I deserved it due to all of the exercise I was doing.

Now, the food part was still tied up in diet culture because I was eating what I wanted to eat because I felt I deserved it due to the exercise, but the point is that I wasn't restricting myself, I enjoyed my food and I enjoyed the movement I was doing with my body.  It all came very naturally to me.

At this point in my life, I was the thinnest I was as an adult.  But aside from weight, I felt truly fulfilled in many other ways.  I was traveling with my best friend.  I had worked through my childhood mother issues as best as I could, I had an amazing support group of people that loved me and encouraged me, my stepsister and I had grown incredible close, and I had even given up the incessant need for a boyfriend... I believe because I was finally at a point in my life where I was finally starting to "do me".

Until this morning, every time that I've looked back on this part of my life I've always obsessed on the weight loss part, and how incredible it would be to be able to replicate that.  Over the years, I've realized and I've accepted that this body is now 20 years older, and at that time... I had undiagnosed Graves Disease so my metabolism was in constant overdrive. Since than, my thyroid has changed and I now have Hashimoto's Disease so my metabolism is working against me.  

When we created our vision boards for Winter Solstice in December, I placed a picture of myself as a teenager in the center.  I also did this Spring of 2018 as a form of motivation for my weight loss.  This year, when I chose a picture, instead of focusing on a picture that emphasized my body. I was drawn to chose this picture that captured my spirit in what happens to be a smaller body.

At the time I didn't really realize that's what I was doing, but as I've been going through this whole process of tapping into my intuition on a whole other level, and getting back in touch with my inner child, I'm realizing that what I want more than weight loss is to feel whole and to be happy.

"Thanks" to diet culture, I always thought that weight loss would be "the thing" to make me happy.  So weight loss turned into this elusive thing that I've only ever been able to obtain when my body was sick, or when my life was full of restriction and the need to exercise (and the reasoning that it would help burn more calories which would help me lose weight).

When I did the Optavia diet last year, the diet was so incredibly restrictive that I wasn't allowed to exercise because of how dangerously low my caloric intake was.  This in itself should have set off a red flag, but it didn't because I was completely enamored by the success stories and my search for happiness through weight loss.  I sincerely believed that it was the answer and that if I could just stick to it long enough to get down to the size I wanted, then I could transition off the plan and maintain a pretty restrictive diet for the rest of my life.

Does that sound like happiness?  I was miserable.  My thyroid was thrown for such a loop due to the heavy amount of soy protein I was eating in place of real food.  Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to exercise because I had zero energy.  I was filling my mornings with promising pep-talks of lunchtime naps hoping that 40 minutes of sleep would be able to carry me through the rest of my day.  Most days it didn't and I would need another nap after work so that I could make it through the evening.  

Luckily, I wised up and transitioned myself off of that diet before things got any worse.  Shortly after, I went on the vacation of a life time where I  allowed myself to eat what I wanted.  It was vacation after all, and I've never been one to restrict myself for holidays and special occasions.  But what I didn't realize was that this would continue after I got home.  I now understand that the cyclical nature of dieting is restrict, restrict, restrict and our bodies finally get to a point where enough it enough and we binge.  This is one of the reasons for yo-yo weight cycling.  

In intuitive eating, there is a stage you go through where you have to allow your body to have what it wants.  As counter-intuitive as it sounds, this stage is very important because the trust that was broken within the body during restriction needs to be rebuilt.  The idea behind this is that when we diet, we know that it is a purposeful restriction (of food choices, calories, portions.. whatever it may be) but our actual body doesn't know that.  Due to our nature, our body is programmed to think that we are entering a period of famine, so when when the time/opportunity comes to replenish itself, it's going to take advantage of that.  

This is the phase that I am in on my journey.  I could write a separate post of everything that I've been experiencing during this phase, but the coolest part is actually witnessing the trust being reestablished within my body.  It's something that I really can't explain at this moment, but I felt it was important to share this information on restriction because I'm going to tie this in with exercise in a moment.

But before I do, I wanted to write out a quick timeline.  I started Optavia last May.  Our trip was the very end of October.  That December is when I created the vision board with that photo, and this past January is when I started seeing my new therapist who introduced me to intuitive eating.  

This past year, I have been very resistant to exercise.  The only form I've done has come in the form of walking when exploring on vacation or day trips, and yoga.  I'm happy to say that my yoga practice has been particularly strong this year, though I think that's in part to my not really viewing yoga as exercise.  While yoga is fantastic for your body, for me, it's always been about the spiritual part.

But recently, I've noticed that movement/exercise is slowly started making a reappearance in my life.  For the last few months, I've had this little voice suggesting I wake up earlier on my work-from-home days and hit the gym.  This week, I finally found the desire to really want to do it.  I woke up early, drove to the gym and did a total body work out.  

While working out, I listened to my body.  I was mindful of what it wanted - just like with food.  I did the amount of weight that felt good.  I did the number of reps/sets that felt good.  And I didn't worry about the clock and how long I had been there.  When I was satisfied with my workout, I left.  

I've been practicing listening to my body while eating these last few months, and let me tell you... it felt so amazing to tune into my body while at the gym.  In the past it was all about competition which sounded something like this...  How much weight did I lift last time?  Let's see if we can beat that!   Oh look... I'm lifting more than the person next to me!   I'm pedaling harder than them, or not fast enough.. let me push myself harder...

I've always known that this thinking it what set me up for injury, but I'm really now seeing just how much it was.  The liberation that comes from releasing all the self-imposed expectations and just doing what feels good, or listening to my body and eating what I really want in the amount that my body needs (vs. under or overeating)... these things leave me satisfied.  A word that I've taken for granted for too long.

All of this mindfulness and reconnecting with my body has me thinking about patterns in my life related to exercise.  I'm realizing again, this connection to nature's cycles.  Reflecting back over the years, I have a tendency to want to want to be more active in the spring time.  I tend to struggle with exercise during the winter months.  This is so fascinating because this coincides with the cycles of not only trees and plants, but animals too.  

So many plants and animals go into dormancy/hibernation in the fall and winter.  It makes sense that I would also want to retreat.  In the spring, everything starts to wake up.  The plants and trees blossom and bud, animals come out from hibernation, they start mating and procreating so wouldn't it make sense that there would be an inherent desire for my body to "wake up" and want to be more active?

I'm so excited to go into this year with this new perspective and to be able to honor it without being attached to the stories and expectations to be something other than what I am.  Reconnecting to my spiritually was an important step towards finding myself, but I never expected the healing that would come from this intuitive eating journey.  The liberation that has come from releasing all of that and allowing myself to be me, and figuring out who exactly that is has been such a beautiful process.  

The more that we release those ties that bind us, the more powerful in self we become.  The more we recognize and honor that power, the more we can help change the world and create one where our unique identities are embraced instead of stigmatized.

I had my second visit to my dietitian who specializes in Intuitive Eating (IE), and Health at Every Size (HAES). When I started going to her, I really didn’t know what to expect. There is so much contradiction between the title”dietitian” and the anti-diet culture of IE and HAES.

In our first session she told me that the only way this would work is if I were completely honest with her. That there would not be any judgements on her part, and she basically told me that it was a safe space. I left that week with the simple assignment of logging my food. Simply keeping track of what I ate, what time I ate, my hunger levels before and after I ate, and if it satisfied me. (My therapist had me to notate any emotions that may be occurring as well.)

It seemed like a simple enough task, but I struggled with it. I’m not one to carry a notebook around with me, and there isn’t an app for the purpose of intuitive eating, so I ended up creating a google doc and updating it on my phone. This was still cumbersome, though I was dealing with it until I hit a very emotional weekend that completely threw me off track with my logging, though I remained mindful while eating.

I wasn’t sure how she would respond being that over a 4 week period I only had 10 days logged, but she didn’t care. There was no judgement, no blame, no shame. She said it was for my benefit and that she didn’t even need to see it, the purpose was to create mindfulness around eating and to be able to identify patterns. Which I did.

One of the things I have always struggled with is the fact that I’m a picky eater. I’ve never been a big fan of vegetables, though I will admit that my palate has grown over the years. But still, every time that I’ve been on a “diet” or when I’ve been trying to “eat healthier” or “better”, I’ve always added in vegetables. To me, they signify a healthy diet.

Even though this whole process isn’t about losing weight, the realization a few weeks ago that I place my nutritional and physical health so low on the self-care scale has made me want to eat more vegetables to be “healthier” so that I treat my body better.

The problem that I’ve been running into is that I feel that younger child rebelling against the vegetables and I’m not sure how to shift that perspective within myself to be able to understand that I’m not restricting or limiting you, inner child… you can still have what you want, but let’s throw some healthier foods in there too as a way of showing love to our body.

I asked the dietitian, how do I shift this perspective? It opened the doors to a conversation about health. The question was, what do you consider healthy?

At first I was perplexed by this question. My initial go to answer is fruits and vegetables, but I prefaced it by admitting to really only liking the “good ones”. But in reality, all fruits and vegetables have nutrients. And if we’re going to get technical, almost all food has nutrients too. It’s just that we live in a world that is so health conscious that the pendulum is swinging too far out of balance.

Over the years I’ve banned canned vegetables from my diet (even though I like them) because I’ve been told by the health industry that they are less nutrient-dense. LESS nutrient-dess. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have nutrients. And let’s be real… they are way cheaper and way easier to prepare when you don’t have the time to do a lot of food prep. Not that there’s anything wrong with fresh vegetables, but can we take a moment to recognize the benefits of eating canned vegetables too?

Another point she made is that health expands beyond the realm of nutrition and exercise. There is also mental health. Being happy, feeling connected to your family, your friends, something bigger than you (spirituality). She pretty much brought the conversation around full circle by making me recognize that the concept of self-care is being healthy.

On my StayWonderfull page, I talk all the time about “perspective” and how if you can shift the way you see things, it can open so many doors and really change your world. I never considered changing up my perspective on the concept of health.

My dietitian and I talked about different foods that I deemed as “bad” foods. She asked me what happened to me when I ate them? Did my stomach get upset? Would I get tired, or get a headache, or indigestion? The answers are all no. Then she phrased the question, how often would you consider eating these foods? Every day? I said no. She asked me why? I explained that I don’t feel a need to eat them every day. She then said, well isn’t that something you are doing that’s healthy? You are choosing to not eat these foods every day.

Plus, as I learn to tune into my body, I realize that I’m reducing the quantity of these foods when I do eat them. I find that halfway through a meal, I’m satisfied. I recognize that if I continue to eat, I will end up feeling stuffed and if I stop I’ll get to enjoy the meal again at a later time (if I end up wanting it later).

And, while we are on the subject of “good” and “bad,” I will say that there are days when I listen to my body and I want the entire meal, and that’s okay too. Some day’s we are hungrier than others.

Nutrition and health is so focused on restriction. You can’t have “fill-in-the-blank” because it’s bad for you. And I use “fill-in-the-blank” because I’ve witnessed it myself how things that were bad for us 10 years ago, are suddenly good for us because “new studies came out”. And same works visa versa.. things that were good for us years ago, are now suddenly bad for us. If you really start digging into it, there is so much contradiction within the diet/health industry. We just choose to ignore it, or put blinders on at the hope of being able to change our bodies.

And that hope is what the health industry preys on. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry. How convenient for them that things are always changing? It’s an opportunity to make more money off of us by coming out with some life-changing… diet, program, supplement, exercise equipment/plan… you name it, the list goes on.

The sad part is that we fall victim to their promises of a “better” self because we so desperately want to change to fit in to a society that has been saturated with a standard that not everyone can realistically live up to. We are all different, guys! Our bodies are different. We have different genes. These promises that the health industry are feeding us, aren’t going to work for everyone one because of this fact, yet we all strive for this unattainable level of perfection.

What we really need to do is stop listening to them and to start listening to ourselves. Take the time to figure out if we are actually hungry. If you so, what food would satisfy us? And then pay attention to your body and when you are full, stop eating. We have to rebuild the trust within our bodies, the trust that has been broken from, in my case, 32 years of never feeling good enough and beating myself up for it.

All these years I’ve looked at my self-sabotage as this horrible failure that needed to be stopped. But looking back at my life through a different lens, I’m realizing that I was equally self-sabotaging my body and robbing it of it’s needs. Of course it was going to get fed up and fight back. Now, my focus has shifted to proving to my body that I’m not going to betray it again. It’s a concept that I really started to understand a few weeks ago and the more that I talk back to that voice in my head, keep reassuring it… the more I’m feeling the shift of trust within my body.

It’s actually a pretty incredible process when it starts to happen. And I’m so incredibly grateful for my journey up to this point because without everything that I’ve been through, this moment wouldn’t feel as big as it does.

For anyone looking for more information on Intuitive Eating, I can’t recommend the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole enough, and if podcasts are more your jam, the podcast Food Psych with Christy Harrison is incredibly informational, relateable, and eye-opening. These sources, along with my therapy have been a huge part of my intuitive eating journey so far.

Dearest little-one, I understand your fear. Believe me, I do. You were born from fear, the same fear that I was living in. Your fears were my fears. I was afraid of my mother, I was afraid of never being good enough, I was devastated by her lack of love for me.

Please know that I would never hurt you the way that she hurt me. You have done nothing but protect me. You have done everything in your power to keep me safe and happy. I am so grateful for you and everything that you have done for me. And what an amazing job you’ve done! I love you so much.

But please understand that even though you are still a little girl, I have grown up. I am almost 40 years old, and while I will never stop loving you, or desert you the way I was deserted, I do ask that you step back and allow me to start protecting myself. I am fully capable of this job now.

I know it scares you that I have gotten back in touch with my higher-self. I know you feel threatened by her, but there’s no need. The two of you go way back. If you remember, she was there for me when I was afraid too. The two of you saved me. The two of you kept me safe. Together you gave me the strength I needed to survive.

She has been waiting patiently for me to reach back out to her. This whole time that I have been growing, she’s been supporting us. She loves you as much as she loves me. For you are part of me. She wants what’s best for both of us.

I’m sorry that I didn’t have the awareness to recognize you until recently. But you can thank her for our introduction. It was her awareness and desire to help that brought us together. She is not a threat, she is love. Please allow us to give you the love that you deserve; the love you feel you never received.

It is now my time to protect you. Every time that I’m playing a game, or at the park, or laughing, I want you to be there in that moment… happy, playing, and laughing along with me. Every time I am in an embrace, know that the love in that hug is also directed at you.

Also know that any time that I am hurt, or angry, or anxious, or sad, or feel shame, or want to cry, know that I am okay. It is okay for me to feel these emotions. Life has ups and downs, and I need to be able to feel the downs so that I can appreciate the ups even more. I can take care of you, and I can take care of me.

I don’t know if you realize that when you try to make me feel better with food, it’s actually hurting me. I’m not blaming you for this at all, I just want you to understand that while it may make me feel better right away, in the long run, it’s making me sadder.

So dearest, little-one. I ask you to release your fears and your insecurities. I ask you to trust me. If you can do this for me, I promise you that together, we will thrive. We will be happy. We will feel even more love and joy than we already do. You just have to release, trust, and allow me to love you.