I'm once again wondering about my whole lifelong deal where I am constantly anticipating losses at every turn. Like, it doesn't even have to be a rational thing or a very big one (usually isn't either). It'll just be like, I get a new game or a nice mug or a piece of clothing I like (for example) and the moment it occurs to me that it makes me happy, I'm filled with dread and sorrow over the hypothetical future day when something happens to it.
I do this for other people's losses too. Someone gets a new computer and they're really excited? Immediate dread over the day it stops working. Like I'll get really stressed about it. Sometimes I dream about it which feels dumb as hell.
And of course I do it for the big stuff. People. Relationships. It makes it genuinely hard to really enjoy my life sometimes because the moment I do, my brain is blaring alarms at me that "Hey! Just so you know, you're going to be so fucking sad when this is gone. Here let me show you". I've gotten better at ignoring it. Like I said, this has been a lifelong thing. But I just wonder what that is, exactly. I can imagine a few vague points that it could have originated from, but nothing concrete. It's weird. And annoying.
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