the daily defecation - a diary

Surprised by it

But I am

And it was enough for there to be pain again

That burn of longingness

Even though I'm showered in bliss with what I have

I shall distance myself again

And come back to realize

That everything I could ever ask for, is right next to me

And stop longing for a speck of excitement that comes with a bunch of down-grades

I love my partner so much, to the moon and back

I feel home, safe understood, I can grow, I am trusted, I am seen

There is no person I rather spend time with, and that is the truth

My real migraine face

The top picture was taken by accident

I sometimes am surprised on how different I can look....

This bottom one is taken, me trying to look normal, hiding the cramping pain I feel in my head

My sister commented my arms today

She said "they look really ugly"

I have a lot of scars and scabs on my arms. I scratch them open when I feel insecure - so yeah... I scratch them on a daily basis.

I manage to leave them for one and a half days. Then is cratched a few... But iw as proud I managed to not hurt myself for one ane a half days, and promised myself not to get angry with myself for scratching them.

Then my sister made that comment... Kinda funny. She is a feminist, and she is anti body shaming, etc etc... I know she regretted it the moment she said it. It hurt me, but just a bit. Enough to cry tho....

time is up 

i do not have enough time to start and finish my thesis

i sort of don’t mind... but of of course, the mind can’t help to compare... people just a few years olders than me..finished their studies, found a great job, travelling, living life

what i i get stuck?

i know i’m worth a lot i know i’m a hard worker when i’m good at it and can actually use my skills many people have seen that in me so have i  and i am happy my boyfriends realls sees be - the best and worst in me, and still loves me

I don't know what happened

What changed

But it no longer stings or aches

My heart doesn't feel like the Crack is extending

I have accepted the circumstances

There is no point in freaking out and obsessively thinking of you

You got my gift, and I know I might have gone overboard - but I really care for you

My heart loved you even though it never was able to really experience >us<

Maybe it just loved the idea of you

We will never know

And I have come to terms with that

Thank you for being the bigger person

Until we meet again, as just friends

You still cross my mind on a daily basis

It still stings

And I've been wondering how I could let myself in so deep

I was foolish

But don't blame myself too much

Talking to you was the best I've felt in a long time