apiano

So what’s a bit of tears that fall? That is all they really are: Liquid memories That leak from my eyes

You’ve never felt so far away And that’s why I cry But you’re worth every tear You’re worth every drop.

My heart grieves A death of a "possibly" Or an "almost love" An end before a beginning

Unforgettably smitten With treasures from your head Unburied some for me Now buried in your minds sea

Thieves of each other’s hearts The biggest crime of all! For we were both guilty And sentenced to distance

Goodbye impossible love And as we part roads The memory bucket spills And into my eyes, it floods.

You tell me you don’t believe in the wonder. You tell me you never did. You tell me you want to escape and cease to exist. You tell me you cannot afford another crack. You tell me you no longer function. You’ve sunk below the depths you didn’t even know existed. You’re torn into pieces. Scattered. Spread across the fire. You feel excruciating pain at any attempts to gather a single piece.

I hear your words and I sense your anguish. If I could somehow put you together piece by piece, I would do so without hesitation. If I could blow away the flames, I would send a wind storm to make sure they don’t return. I would try to find you in the depths and show you that even the deepest part of the ocean is lit up by the glowing creatures that shine from the light they find within. This world is sustainable, and if you believe in recycling, you could become a new masterpiece! Please don’t go. The wonder is still there and it’s made especially for you.

You may be broken, but you are still beautiful to me. I may not be able to do what I wish to heal you all the way, but I can still see wonder left over in you. You are real, and that is wonderful enough to believe you can shine brighter than before! The only thing left is for you to see it too. Please, help me fix you.

“Keep trying”. Yes, I wrote about this back in October of 2015. Now, we enter July 2016. Have I kept it up? Have I been successful? Was “keep trying” really worth it? My face curls out a smile. I sure have. This journey has been well worth it. I feel stronger, I am happier and I feel like I finally look how I was ment to look. Sure, looks aren't everything. The whole purpose for this journey was to prove to myself that I can indeed have control of my mind. I have never felt this great before in my life. I did it for my health, for my heart, for my family and it was because I controlled my mind. Growing up I was always chubbier and I was always the bigger one most of my groups of friends. I was never really picked on until one of my friends began making back handed comments when we were in high school. I wasn’t obese, but I was clearly overweight. Still I didn’t let society shape my idea of beauty. It was never about beauty, but it affected my confidence. I began to lose weight after high school. I felt better and I began doing well but I kept yo yo -ing. I needed to be consistent. I looked fine, and felt fine, but I wasn’t satisfied especially after my doctor told me to “keep trying”. I realized that if I truly loved myself, I owed myself this favor. So far, I have lost about 20lbs. I used to be a size 6 in dresses, size 8 in jeans. I am now a size 4 in some cases, and have even been able to fit well into some size 2 clothes. Now, size and looks isn’t everything. I just wanted to share my results to prove that all of these months of “keep trying” was worth it. It wasn’t easy and yes, I still need to improve a lot for things. I don’t limit myself completely (I am a die hard chocoloholic), but everything in moderation. Now, what I have noticed with this change, although it’s all been positive not everyone will see it that way, unfortunately. Along with the “hey! You looks great” comments, there have also been the “you’re waay too skinny”. I have kept my cool and just smile those off… I feel great and I am healthy. I don’t believe in unhealthy diets. I am balanced and I pay attention to my body. I look a lot smaller, but I feel stronger than ever before. Now that I have lost the weight, I have been focusing on toning. It takes a lot of motivation, but hey, I guess I just have to “keep trying”. The results have been encouraging and the best part is, I did this for me.

I have started over so many times. I have had success many of those times... I have fallen off track all of those times. Where does my determination go? I realize that a lot has to do with my patience. I want fast results. I don’t like to wait. I will go overboard to get to where I want and as soon as I get there, I tend to struggle on keeping ti that way. Like I said, I have had success, but I fail at keeping it.

This time will be different.

I have slowly come to the realization that what needs to be permanent, needs a strong foundation. I need to realize that this will take time. It will take longer than what I am used to. Not only will it be about gaining results, but it has to be consistent. And really, I’m not too far away. I am at a point where if I get back on track and keep myself, I will get my goal at a pretty decent period of time. My life depends on it.

I went to the doctor today and her exact words were, “keep trying,” Yes, I felt sort of crushed because I have felt like I have been trying, but I shouldn’t have. I should have felt encouraged! Keep trying! Keep trying! No one likes to keep up with something they are not too good at, but how do you get good at it? “Keep trying.” I want results and I want them to be permanent. “Keep trying.” I want to not only feel great and look great, I want to be stronger! “Keep trying!” I want to put all of my life long struggles with weight behind me and tackle it down with the strength inside me ready to come out. “KEEP TRYING!” All of that will only be achieved if I keep trying. 

Even if I go off track again... Even if I get to my goal. Even if I end up with a lifelong disease... Even if I end up stronger than ever. No matter what, this will be different. Not only will my body be better, but I will be better. My mind will be clearer. My whole person will be greater. I will keep trying.