it’s the fatigue who follows that makes you feel sick. numerous cups and plates piled on top of eachother. your succulents dying right in front of your eyes. the toothpaste marks you left in your sink from 3 weeks ago. the mail you left outside your apartment door.
it’s the blood coming out of your fingers from bitting into your skin too much. forgetting what deodorant smells like. giving up on the feeling of a brush running through your hair.
posture that changes you into looking like you’re 80. constant leg shaking like it’s resting on the edge of a tectonic plate. time passing too fast and loneliness passing too slow.
it’s getting out of the shower feeling disgusting.
there’s no remedy for this fatigue. no facemask or doctor’s prescription that will make you get out of it and still being sane.
it’s hurting me so much that sometimes i forget how to breathe
living my life in a never-ending cycle of self hate is like riding a bicycle with square wheels.it’s too fucking hard and it takes too fucking long.
i’m not religios. it never did anything good to me. there’s no god for me to have faith in that one day the people who deserve mysery the least will get out of here alive.
but i’ve tried to be good. i tried my best to help others in times where i couldn’t even help myself. and everything good that has ever happened to me, i appreciated.
and god, if you’re out there, you’re a pain in the ass for making me loose it all.
there’s still some out there.
cursed. but it’s out there.
you see, it’s not that happiness doesn’t come my way. i’ve been cursed to feel so scared about something so unfamiliar that every move i make is so wrongly calculated that im scared to fail a test that never existed.
because im clingy. because im too soft. because i talk too much. because i want to save the world. because i follow my heart. because i sing too loud. because i cry too much. because sometimes i show that i dont care at all. because i’m difficult. because i need constant reassurance. because im learning to love myself in a world so cruel.
because im optimistic. and i’ll get out of here.
i’ll drag myself, then i’ll crawl and with one let then two i will stand up and walk. i’ll learn to love the sound of my feet walking away from whoever i was, and change the course so i can get to where i wanna be.
