unfinishedworks

My name is Parker! Apologies if I’m late on responses or DMs, I’m hardly online here.

I’m gender-fluid, but usually masculine leaning. I really like Greek mythology, and I’d love to hear about more mythos or religions! I love psychology as well, especially learning about past and present cultures.

I love to write and draw, but will mainly use this account for writing. Music is one of the most important things in my life, and I’ve got countless playlists to show for it. I don’t mind DMs, so feel free to talk!

Silver stakes fall heavy from my tongue

They nail my feet to the ground in front of you

I sway just for a chance to move in the dark room

I’m standing, bleeding at the altar

All music sounds angry now

I fall to my knees

Not in worship, but weakness

Pain

I grit my teeth and howl like a wolverine

It echos silently in my scull

I will sit alone and silent in our house like Regulus Black

I will scowl and bare my teeth like Severus Snape to the Marauders

I will cry quietly over thoughtless gifts like Todd Anderson

I will die like Neil Perry in the arms of parents that blame anyone but themselves

Tipless plays in my throat

But only Chris Tomlin will leave it

So I keep my mouth shut

I refuse to sing the words you force from me

My church service is filled to the brim with suicide fantasies

With the reprieve of a knife against my side

I am a mess of guilt and resentment

I am bitter with the sun for shining on my darkest days

With my mind for plaguing me with the loudest thoughts

With my skin for caging me

With humans for not letting me be an animal

But I am not bitter with God

I won’t be bitter with something that isn’t real

I hope those words haunt you

In my mind, my hair is black and wild, my skin is scarred, my throat isn’t clogged, and my anger is visceral

I bang my head against mirrors and swallow glass

I drink until I vomit and I smoke until I can’t breathe

My blood splatters the walls and my teeth are that of a chipped dog

In that, I smile

Because I’m finally singing music that I like

For now, though

With my pretty blonde hair

My frilly pink dress

I lay at the foot of the hand that strikes me

I roll over and show my belly

I hide my teeth beneath my lips so they may not be ripped from my gums as my claws were from my flesh

But I will bite

I’m writing again

It’s all I know how to do anymore

As grounding as the ocean can be

I’m a story of many that I don’t even know

A story with an end

Bittersweet

With a title that’s a lighthearted sort of melancholy

I’m swaying under the night sky

Lost in the dark of my tightly shut eyes

Pretending that I’ve finally tasted alcohol

Or smoked weed

Maybe cigarettes

Even though I hate the smell

I want to mellow out

I’m desperate for something

Anything

To just be sure of

That isn’t my death

And now I’m laying on the grass

I feel it between my fingers

But it’s warm

It’s really just my crinkled bedsheets

It’s not really raining

But I’ll say that’s the reason why my face is wet

I’m throwing together another playlist

I don’t know what for anymore

Maybe it’s just to keep my hands busy

But music is one of the few things that bring me comfort now

Let me linger on it

The music is upbeat

The words are dripping with pain

Or maybe it’s malice

I don’t know anymore

I’m ashamed of myself only because I’ve been trained to be

Just to find out I’m completely normal

I might be angry

But I just feel so tired right now

I don’t know

So now I’m really outside

My earbuds are in and I’m walking down the road

Anything to get out of the house

There’s dirt on my feet and words lodged in my throat

But it’s really the carpet I’m feeling

I’m laying against my window with a bottle of cartoonish alcohol in my hand

The picture of innocence

My eyes are red-rimmed and dazed

I’m alone

Smoking the thoughts out of my head

Praying for it to poison me

I can distantly hear a VHS tape

Even though we don’t own a single one

It’s droning on about the truth of God

I’m not listening

Just sneering at my reflection as I take another swig

My teeth are chipped and broken

But I can speak just fine

I’m just using them as an excuse not to

There’s a wooden pencil stuck through my palm like Jesus on the cross, so I don’t have to write

But I still trace out words with my blood

I periodically forget my own age

That I still have time to be a stupid teenager

But I know I’m perfect

The sign on my back says so

While I’m kissing someone of the same sex

I want to make out behind a dingy old restaurant and ignore it every time my phone rings

I want to sneak out to a rave and scream my heart out

Get drunk and high

I want to cry and hear the world spin

I want to live like a gay boy with all the confidence I don’t have

He hates his parents and isn’t afraid to say it

He’s never home

I’m stuck to my mattress

I’m laid back across some flirty tile floor

Someone’s kissing me and I’m running my hand through their hair

I’m not a girl

And our breaths are as soft as snow

Our love just as pure

We could be bare and naked

Smiling, laughing, and swearing

Skinny dipping in a chilly lake, splashing each other

We’d catch a cold

And lay together on the couch

Us against the world

But I open my eyes

I’m alone in the living room

Not even the touch of a parent to soothe my fever

I’m writing letters

But I’m never sending them

I won’t send this one either

What if I was crying in your arms?

What if you knew it was your fault?

Would you love me just the same?

Do you even love me now?

I don’t know if you were ever kind

If you were ever parents

Not more than my brother

I’m endlessly afraid of falling in love

Of how I may grasp at the hem of her shirt

Trying to be held

So I won’t ever say a word

There is something to give in to

The touch that you offer

That I know will only drown me

That will wring my lungs with guilt

But I need it

I need to feeling of arms around me

I long for the touch of lips against my own

I want to admire stretch marks and trace my fingers over moles

Heaven is to lay with another

So what if I gave in?

What if I let that collar click around my neck?

Would you then care enough to call me your precious child?

I’d pull my hand back from chasing her

I’d cry and claw at that collar

The leather suffocating and pulling at my skin

She’d see

And she’d be disgusted

And so, even if I let you hold me

I’d only clip off that collar in the end

I don’t know if I ever understood

The pain of pulling away

I am a crow among swans

With filthy black feathers

Feathers I’ve desperately tried to bleach white

An omen of death should never fly

So I clipped my wings

I became a suffocating, fizzling star

In my own body and my own story

A piece of me is stuck clinging to my mother’s shoe

Bawling and begging for love

The pathetic child I used to be

That I still am

They will call me a tragedy

But will never shed a tear at my grave

So I will resent your closed, silent door

Did I ever twinkle in your eyes?

Was I ever your precious child

Or just a bitch for you to spit on?

I scorn you, beast

Perfect swan

With a blade for a tongue

Tear me apart

You already have, more than I can fix

How could I care for you anymore?

You’ve mangled my throat raw

And melted my mind

I miss whatever sweet memories I might’ve had of you

If those ever existed, more than a child’s fantasy

Maybe you were always as cruel as what I denied

Stop layering your insults with care

It hurts far more when you give me something to hold and love in your abuse

You string me along with conditional care

So I rot in my filthy room

Forever your lazy daughter

Rather than a dying son

I can only clench my teeth and cry

pull me apart

for i am nothing of yours

nothing to you

you were never the blood in my veins, rather drowning my lungs

slowly choking me with daffodils

and the bile in my throat

you yellow dandelions are pretty little weeds that spread like rumors

snuffing out sweet daisies

and leaving me to rot

you evil, vile den of leopards

you feed on my misery

why do i have to feel so filthy by your words?

why have you so thoroughly hacked me to bits?

and why on earth do i let you?

you force me to hate myself

hate my body

hate my mind

hate my clothes

hate that i'm angry

even more, I hate you

i loathe you

resent burns in my chest and kills me from the inside out

you are a murderer

a killer of youth

you killed who I was

and what I might've become

i pull and yank at my hair

what you've forced to become unbearable

how you refuse to understand

the torture of physicality

loving you is it's own kind of pain

because i have to care for someone who doesn't care for me

because i make excuses for you

because i want a mother

and yet, your words remain scathing

what you don't even know

how openly you hate what i am

then wonder why i hide

complain and weaponize guilt

pathetic child in a mother's body

whatever kindness i might've diluted myself into thinking you had

was nothing but a childish hope

a fantasy

you are cruel in your own twisted way

and i will always hate you for it

To the days I’ve spent crying alone in layers of blankets

To the nights I’ve wished life would end sooner

To the moments that felt far too long

To the times resentment was all I could breathe

I write this to the boys, girls, and kids that never had a home

To those without love

To those without care

And most of all, to those without a friend

I know we may be far too tired to move on

Too hurt to take another breath

But somewhere, someplace

Even if you are unaware

There’s someone who will cry at the article with your name in ink

You may not find kindness in your home

In your town

Even in your country

But you may find it in people

Spread far and wide, we still find a way to care for each other

With words on a screen

With letters overseas

With charity and fundraisers

With a plane ticket

There is always someone who wants to know you

Someone who loves you

Who wants to comfort you

Even as religion is used to break us down, to snuff out our stars

We still find a way

Our beautiful gods are desecrated

Our temples are museums

And yet, we are still here

We are all strong enough to come through it, to make new stores and carve new statues

While I may never be their son

While they may only call me a daughter

I am still myself

What they call me doesn’t change me

My heart isn’t made to please, it is made to be kind

My hands are not made to change, but to care

My lips aren’t made for lies, but for compassion

My greatest weapon is my word and my wit

My greatest comfort is my pen

One day, I’ll be nothing but music

Do you ever remember who I used to be and wish I never changed?

Or maybe you’re glad that little nuisance is gone

I know I am

I just sit and wonder if you really love me

If you’ve ever cared

If those years were something more true than your apologies

Because maybe you still hate me just as much as you used to

Maybe I’ll be alone in this family

Built in fear of God

Much more in fear of people

At least, I was afraid of you

But gods, I loved you

I wanted you to love me too

I wanted to be important

And I never felt it

So now I’m quiet

Now I stew in both bitterness and grief

For losing what I never really had

What I thought was mine, my precious family

I was far too young to understand how alone I was

I live a double life, simply to please you all

My friends cared for me in ways you never bothered

So why would I care that they cuss, that they’re gay, trans, atheist?

They’re much more kind than my family of the Lord

They love me more than you

Sickeningly more

What’s worse is that you don’t notice

Or maybe you do, you just don’t care

You don’t want to acknowledge that the fault might fall on you

I know I shouldn’t be surprised

But I guess there’s some part of me that’s still just a little kid

Begging for scraps of affection at your feet

Loving you feels like choking on lead

I hate you

I loathe you

Your pathetic martyrdom sickens me

I never thought I’d grow to be the resentful teenage stereotype

I always thought I’d love my family to the day I died

But, at the same time, I was foolish enough to think they loved me just the same

I was never valued, a simple blabber mouth

The youngest of five, left for the eldest to care for

The only person in this family I don’t want to scream at

Your fucking negligence caused the entirety of my pain

All to “follow the word of the Lord”

Well?

Did the Lord want me to be groomed by my brother?

Did the Lord want me to learn worthlessness?

Did the Lord want me to see your anger in my nightmares?

It’s all his plan, isn’t it?

All his plan

All your words

Why is it that your priceless “kindness” feels like cyanide

While my friends feel like soft daisies

Your care is cruelty

Your heart is coal

You make me stare and my skin and wish it to bleed

The only thread holding me from the hangman’s knot is those who’ve loved me far longer than family has

And yet, because of you, I fear they find me just as repulsive as you have

I’m a little boy crying on the floor

Over how you still call me your daughter

How you’ll never know my name

How you’ll never want to attend my wedding because of the gender of those I love

How I’ll sit outside the family with my uncle because of that damned book

You were never a family

I remember so well, barely being able to look over countertops

Yet hiding a razor in my room

Knowing that no one would check the bottoms of my feet

I remember standing alone and silent in mom and dad’s bathroom

Holding far too many pills in my hand, all red and blue

Only to pour them back in the bottle at the sound of footsteps

Maybe I should’ve taken my life that day

When I hadn’t yet made friends to grieve me

Only family that never cared

My throat is filled with screams

That I can now barely snuff out

My fingers long to tear at flesh

I’m itching to sink my teeth into my wrists

I want to taste blood

To see it

To feel the pain and finally stop stewing in anger

What are the words that I bite?

To you, pathetic

To me, disdainful

I’ve learned to hate myself how I see you frown at me

I want to rip myself apart

To no longer be

Each breath feels like lead

Heavy with the seething rage in my chest

What am I now but fury?

With all the vigor of a rabid dog

I only wish to swipe blindly at the mirror

And watch my constricting body finally come apart

I need to fall apart

I am easy, aren't I?

I will be your toy

So long as you hold me

I promise that I am ruined

That I am ripping at the seams

It's excruciating

To be stuck between broken and whole

Kill me

Tear me

Burn me

Before I do it myself

I am self-destructive to my own bitter end

Strung along by guilt and hate

I am angry, wholly and entirely

It consumes my breath

Each damned one

I am the blood of my artery

I so easily spill and fervently wish to do so

To take in the smell of my death

So relieving, so fulfilling

The iron on my tongue

Words aren't enough

I need to smear blood on the walls

To write my torment in the babbles of a madman

Let them call me a tragedy

once in a day i wonder

my worth and my life

i toy with the thought of love

the impossibility of unconditional

the dagger in a laugh

words are a pain to me

i feel always to be second best

a fallback friend

sitting alone at a table

how agonizing i pour out my guts

to please and to care

what is my return?

what security do i have?

i'm afraid of losing what was never mine

cursed to know that i am only useful

what is my heart?

mangled and thin

beaten to bits and taped back together

i know better

i know that i know better

but i remain weak

i will forever cry at the foot of marble

trace my hand over paper

and breathe only words

i am selfish and i will die of it

I miss you

I hate you

And I wish it was enough not to want your love

Family

What on earth is family?

A concept, is it blood?

Are they even meant to love unconditionally?

Who could ever love unconditionally

Who could ever care for a broken toy like me

Cracked porcelain

A doll ripped apart

Nobody keeps damaged goods

I feel like a rotting apple

Ripe only at the skin

For loving regardless of gender

For calling myself something other than what they named me

For being a disappointment without them even knowing

Would you ever love me, mama?

If you knew that I’ve kissed boys and girls

And would you still ask for hugs, dad?

If you knew I call myself a man

I don’t want to be treated the way you all treat my uncle

Who decided to love a man

The messages they sent him

The words seeping into my skin

Because they feel so sickeningly familiar

I hate you, dearest family

Because you’ve managed to make me hate myself

Maybe this was all just one long rebellious phase

And you’ll love me just the same

You’ll hold me like you never did

And I’ll regain the memories I lost to fear

Could anyone ever want me?

I feel alone, achingly so

Like my chest is both heavy and hollow

I need the touch of another to fill me

Fill me until I burst

Until I cry

I’ve lost what I never had

Love as a young child

Nothing can replace it now

Not however you might try to, dad

You failed

And you’re so guilty that I can’t even be angry

I can’t even cry

No one is perfect

Much less myself

But you suffocate me

Both of you

All of you

I just wish you cared about what you didn’t know I was

Without calling it sin, the ways of the lost

You’ve made my heart hollow

But I can still feel

Damn you to hell, you made sure I could still feel

You are tears that never come

To the lips of a poet,

Words to those who value them

I hold you to my heart and weep

My dearest cautionary tale

Beautiful myth

I miss you more than I can bear

How can I find joy in what immortalized you

When I can neither kiss nor hold your story

I mourn every stroke of ink

You are the violet to my gold

My delicate bloom

Return to me in a way I can touch

I love you