_Careless

You have to ask yourself, when you finally get the ultimate promotion, when you've made the ultimate purchase, and climbed the ladder of success to the highest rung you can possibly climb it... and the thrill wears off - and it will wear off - Then what?

How far do you have to walk down that road before you see where it leads?

Can you truly blame me

when you haven't forgiven

a single mistake Ive made

It takes two to form a separation

One to include - and one to feel excluded

Not every lost opportunity

Or extended pause

- Is a comment on your certainty

So you are arrogant

So you are vain

We all are, at some point in the end

And so what, if there is always

something in between us

Peace and quiet,

were never quite the same as clarity

Last time we spoke you said-

Well I dont really remember

And thats part of the problem,

Now isnt it...

I miss the openness

And the still of closeness

I miss hoping youd skip over my face

Only to be read like an open book

Nowadays I dont pull on many threads

Too many- and you'll start to unravel your own world

...

Curiosity killed the cat

Or so I once read (allegedly)

That was a lawyer joke, if you couldnt tell

Though I dont expect anyone else should like it as well

I think you would have

But I also think the judicial system is a living hell

Maybe thats why I have no interest in knowing you anymore

Tumbling through perspectives

And losing track of my focus

Its confusing forgetting my motives

And even more so finding them again

Magic is not real, to the unitiated

But neither is love, nor is trust,

And most importantly, neither is calm

I guess theres a lesson in there for all of us

Its amusing rewatching works of fiction

Ones I once watched in blissful ignorance

Now I dont see so innocent

Layered projections,

I didn't think could be so surreal

color coded obsessions,

And the connections are so revealing

Its frustrating not knowing what truth is

We spend so much time second guessing

Stressing over this and stressing over that

You are probably worried what time it is

At least if only somewhat, now you are

I dont think it should be like that

I dont think it should be like any of this

Recently I havent felt as blinded

Conversations of novelty and kindness

And I find the spirit,

to actually want to do things

Cleaning up and taking better care of myself

It appears I may actually be improving

Its difficult not giving up-

giving up,

giving up

Whatever that means, however foolishly

Optimism is the fruit here,

you just have to plant the imaginary seed

Ive been learning about Mantis Shrimp too

Such a wonderful creature

- when you think about it, deeply

More color, more stimulation

More sense of order, in this life

Than any one of us

Will experience most likely

from one moment in their eyes

That is truly astounding

Humbling, as it is uncomfortable

To bear witness to that much information

I worry about what that means as a person

It must be lonely

Anger over my indecision,

that I could ever get hurt

But when I think back, I realize

just how foolish Ive been

Time wasted and smiles saved

For what?

Not when I wouldn't want any less of them

Text messages and regrets

Words unsaid and words better left unsaid

Neither better nor worse

I just know it was the good times

The honesty beyond the hurt

That truly matters

Thats what I remember

I hope thats what you remember of me first

I hope when these words are found

You know still and forevermore

You are and were and will always be

My one and only

My darling, my happiness, my universe

I feel sick, so often these days

Feint of breath and confused

As though the sun is always setting

But every night

And you must know this, surely

Every night I get with you

Is another night unlike any other

Its one more I will have been blessed

Beyond my own recognition

Thats something truly beautiful

Like you

As I will always be here to remind you

Between the coughs and congestion

Between the aches and depression

There is always you

And that has made all the difference

I dont look in the mirror and see someone who shouldnt be here anymore

I look and hold dear as someone who would give anything to keep you safe from harm

Someone who would do anything, to afford the space you need to grow

Someone who wants to take away all your pain and fears

- to replace them with my loving arms

I dont think this world was ever meant to be calm

I dont think anything is ever as simple as just being wrong

Because with you things are different

I see hope and I see mercy

Two things I haven't seen in so very long

With you, everything is different

I dont feel so scared

Because I feel I have already won

And because of that

Well, dont you understand

I want to give you my all

Yours truly, Your Darling

Ps. I love you

And I cannot wait to spend tomorrow

Flavors and tastes so similar

Again and again, I see

You and Me are not so different

Id like to think we share

a lot of the same memories

Or at least common themes

But I also realize in moments like these

I was only temporary

As are you- as are we

So I remind myself

Its the little things in this life

That keep it interesting

Strangers we wont meet

But eyes and faces

- who could pierce beneath

Emotions estranged and lonely

But not to the ingratiated

As unfortunate as that sometimes means

Its a special thing to be Human

- to feel empathy

To understand, the truth at hand

Instead of bare sympathy

as we too often give and receive

All the well meaning wishes

And good spirited givings-

couldnt change the difference between

Someone seeing you

And without even saying

Knowing they understand

🩶

Are you lost?

Turn ahead.

We couldn't go back now

- Even if we tried.

Are you afraid to die?

Its getting dark now,

I just want All

The first schism happened

When the first friendship magnified

Boundaries spread and anxieties increased

As one of them said;

I can't see how you see,

this reality is different for me,

But I know you are my destiny,

And I know I couldnt bear to see you leave-

So I will follow you wherever you go

And that would have been it-

That would have been where things end

But, the other, bigger half said-

I feel the same way, as if you make me glow

and I dont know what youre thinking

But I would follow you through high and low too

And I know no obstacle-

nor opportunity could steal my love from you

And that I would search for you-

Until you were safely next to me

In this life, and in the next ones,

However I had to

But when I think about you, following me

I know that's just not not what I want

Not because I don't believe you're strong

Not because I don't want you along with me

But because I know it's been hard

And I can't bear to see you go through such problems

I can't spare the fear in me-

that, if only one time,

you might not be able to keep up with me

And even though I know-

youd always find a way on your own

But what if you slipped, following me?

And what if I wasn't there-

or fast enough to catch you?

Do you think I could survive without you?

Because I dont you ...

We see things differently

And you shouldn't have to live this dangerously

So no, you will not follow me wherever I go

And I cannot follow you the same way you go

We will follow eachother, around this hope

that some day soon we might meet again

And that way we can both be sure

We followed the surest way possible-

until the end

until you are home,

With me,

Safely, once again

And so they went

One making off right

And one making off left

Spiraling inside eachothers minds

Until each night they be reunited

Glancing their relief off each other

Saying, what a wonderful thing it is-

To be in love with someone

And what a terrible thing it is-

Instead of finding reasons to hate

Each and every one of our lives could be so much better

Its hard to argue with compassion

A stubborn heart can tear at the fabric that surrounds it

But in the end

Its also not done. Yup, you read all this right, so far.

I dont expect anyone to be in a place or state of interest for this-

But nonetheless, the internet is surprising and maybe someday

Someone will read and aprecciate it.

Also, it is very abstract, in a sense - as I am not very good at communicating or writing my feelings.

Reading any part is greatly appreciated, even this! So thank you.

I do so love to exist and you make that possible <3

Enjoy / Judge it, as you will.

Before though, as it starts out rough and stays that way, this first!~

...

My favorite Crystal Castles song- Kept. It is one of my favorite songs in general. It is gatekept on most streaming services due to some stupid licenscing reasons- but I dont feel bad stealing it when I consider its origins (iykyk). Something about the song captures perhaps the most carefree happiness I have ever felt, at a point; The summer haze I spent well in fantasy, talking to the one I love.

...

Alone in the void

Clouds of rotten disease surround me

Thoughts, I ought not have consumed

Now linger, in every breath I produce

I miss when I was lighter

I miss when I was younger

Coughing fits -

interrupt my depression

And my bones feel cold as ice

- while I cant get myself to eat

I feel a buzzing inside my head

And concern emits from a place, I cannot visit

...

Paternicity or projection

Obsession or misdrection

Who really knows? Who really cares?

Especially when, Im happier today - than I was yesterday

Or something like that

...

I think, it is best to not to think too much - lest your moments be wasted somewhat - and ones joy be replaced with confusion increasingly so upon considering. That is to say, live in the moment.

...

Questioning why I exist As if any of us should need a reason

- Excuses to get out of bed - And excuses for why I persist

I am so very tired of this world And I am so tired of waking up to more evil

Yet I am excited still, with the turn of every season

I am still excited when he smiles at me Or just smiles in general

- that alone is enough for me

I dont know what that means just yet

But for now, time is a blessing unto my humble deliverance

...

Some say we are all still children

Some I dont think ever got to be

Still we cherish each other's judgement

While denying our love to the ones who deserve it

Its a weary thought, disturbed, so be it, as a vision-

That this world should be so sick and twisted

But not as much as it is beautiful and blissful

Dont you think light and love are miraculous yet fickle creatures?

...

The call of the void still rings inside me

The desire to feel something different

The desire to be free

Its funny that everyone has vices

And mine is as though I want to stop thinking

But that isnt the case

And I cant explain the erasure

Just something always sends me spiralling

Denything that which is ahead of me

No matter the betterment

No matter the esteem

And its funny that life should appear like this-

We all want to feel so important

Yet beholden to nothing, it seems

I think am great at following the latter

In the face and the wake of the former

I never wanted very much:

The peace to understand my surroundings.

Perhaps that was too much to ask for?

Perhaps I ought to have considered

- how that would impact the Fortune 500's

Perhaps I ought to have learned by now

- How little time we have

- and how impatient everyone is to get through what little is left

Perhaps I ought not to have strayed so far from the center

But when I think about who I am - I am proud to be different

We dont want to understand each other

We want to fuel our nature

Destructive as it is

Chaotic as life gets

But when it comes to greed or avarice

Call it nothing but humanity

we kill each other

So that we can simply believe

Not that we couldnt otherwise

But that life is complicated

- And mistakes happen

And one persons hopefulness

Is anothers unravelling

And one persons time

Is anothers peace of mind

And there really are bad people out there-

Boogie monsters who hide their teeth

- and will snatch your children

Record your interests and plot your personality metrics

All just to inform themselves more and more

On how exactly, to make this world, ever so more- in their favor

So we torture ourselves

Most of us unaware to our unfortunate circumstances

Or pretending, for now, everything is okay

- Because if we didnt, we couldnt get through the work day

- That which we are forced to live through

And during all of it, we incorporate great structures

Of deceit and contrivance

Agreements behind enemy lines of either you or I

About how all our lives will run

All to bring relief

- to the anxiety of coexisting with ugly people

Layers of social alliance

Of compliance and convencience

Nevermind the corruption

- We say to each their own

And if your skin color isnt the same as mine

Or you like kissing someone that I dont like

Well then forget everything Im about to say

Because that is the hypocrytical irony we live in today

Hi, I'm an American

I believe in peace, life, liberty

And the freedom to pursue that which is worthy of ones self interests

That means doing what you value the most

- without undue judgement -

So long as it doesnt violate another beings ability to do so too

Or as I like to call it- the proliferation of equal possibilities

Its kinda like being curteuous - but not really

Because part of it requires stifling your own bullshit

I believe in rehabilitation

And the ability for us to be rational human beings

And I believe, there are a great many people

Who do and do not share these ideas,

Although unfortunately

It seems we are at a crossroads of harm in this unusual destiny

The world is at odds with impermanence

And I cant understand why it matters in the first place

We invented checks and balances,

meant to stifle our fiendish behavior

And built in corrective measures to the general population

to 'civilize' everyone - as though that isnt hurting everything

Simply because of our lowly madness of discrimination and grief

...

- Some Ive been coming to find

Arent so aimless, but were made

To grind down, or write away

our sense of imagination and creation

Yes, we find these many ways

- to trick each other,

With lifestyles and paranoia

We collectively ignore the social priming

The propaganda and silenced voices

Because the human life-time is too short

To notice through the noise- drowning out the sources

We carefully craft a pipeline for every reason

And person to follow at the systems convenience

Just dont mention the word privilege

Nowadays that gets you cancelled, rather quickly

And what does that mean!?

When there is no line in the sand

And there is no quorum

And there is a quickly fading

-sense of public decorum

The internet and exponential stock investments

Artifical intelligence and the rapidly inflating sense of entitlement

But at the same time, the separation of upper and lower class

There is no middle, that is called the pipeline to success

This lie weve been ridden that wealth is a ladder

Paved with opportunities you had to starve or stab

Or step over- or push down under

Or quite frankly kill another person with your willful ignorance

We invented money and religion

And build culture with education

But in the meantime since,

weve used it for evil beyond comprehension

We indoctrinate, enslave, and coerce populations to be docile

To persist

Not for our sake, but for theirs

And I just cant understand such common sense

Problems we have been facing

- for nearly 3 millennia

Not because any of these things

are wrong or bad, in themselves

But because, much like a language or blade

Its about how you use them

Im not trying to saying everything is terrible

Or that I hate everything

Its quite obviously somewhat, sorta alright

Everyone is in their own right, and place-and-time

The sun still shines each morning and birds still sing

The rain still feels nice on my skin

- And it feels nice to breath

But when I look around me

I think some colors of light are so scarce

It feels as though some of us

Are so scared of the dark

We are burning up our home

Just to feel a sense of calmness

Nowadays, we keep our feelings

Locked and guarded in private

Less they be stigmatized into alignment

Or posted online in a way you just didnt like

And, are we only allowed

- to be happy or sad

Where we are meant

- to be happy or sad

Whether we felt that way truly

Or how, or why-

seems to matter very loosely in the eyes of the crowd

And when you do care

Well that an opportunity for ragebait

No one wants things to change

Not truly, not dutifully

We are lost within the problem

And that is part of the problem

But see the problem is actually

much bigger than the stage

Its the unmanageable challenge

- of evolution and temptation

Its older than you or I

Its going to last longer than you or I

Its bigger than you and I

And its smaller than you I

It is the duality of being in many different places at once

And yet, from your point of view

Right here, right now

Today, tonight, whenever

Just currently

And isnt that beautiful?

But when you realize this perception is a mask

A worry begins to emerge that you are not so

unlike everyone around you

Currents of emotions and cause-and-effect

Who really wants to look at themself

When its the unenviable task,

of stripping down what makes us special

And when consciousness is more untenable-

than any one person could fathom

It would mean tearing open pandoras box

to find you were the contents

Poking the sleeping bear- or dragon- or mind flayer

- Whatever have you

And knowing that, in a sense

You were worried you might not understand you

And when we bring this question up, to the top

The answers become insatiable

It would mean the rich and the powerful

Admitting they didnt become this successful, on solely the whims of their intentions

It would mean the poor and impoverished

Accepting they didnt become this downtrodden, accidentally without pressure

But that someone, somewhere

- has always played a part

Before, after, and through them, currently

This life is a jester

tempting and fooling us with expectations

One moment its a comedy

The next its a tragedy

But so long as the play keeps going

Why do we have to take things so seriously?

Fear of fear will be the death of us all

And simply put,

I wish the world could just grow up

I wish the slave masters that ran this world

Werent so fed up on their own narcissism

I wish the serfs would one day wake up

And that we might unite under the common understanding

That we are all one

And this life is a journey

Vibes as of recently.