one day I woke up and realised all the waiting and yearning was actually me living my life and it’s happening right now and it’s still good even if it’s not perfect and there is no moment when all your dreams get fulfilled and everything makes sense. like… this is it. this is life. you’ll waste away your youth waiting for some imagined future if you don’t love life for what it is now and make the most of it

i dont actually miss anyone from my past i just have a bad habit of creating some sort of idealized version of what i wanted them to be. these people arent real i made them up in my head

Do you ever just wonder if you cross someone’s mind as they’re driving home, doing dishes, laundry, the mundane things when it really matters

have you ever thought about how many people think about you? it’s so bizarre. imagine someone, out of the blue, thinking of your face. something happens; they remember you. your favorite song, how you dress, the way you talk, the look in your eyes when you are happy. they remember that about you, even if you haven’t seen each other in years. everything in life is a reminder of a person, a place, a moment. you may think you’ve forgotten, but you haven’t. 

it drives me crazy how humans are just meant to hold each other. how come when you hold someone's hand, your fingers just perfectly lock with theirs? how is it that when you hug someone, your face fits just right in the crook of their neck? how can your hands cup someone's face like that's their only primary function? it cannot be coincidence that our bodies are fully capable of holding another... we were designed to love

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

when richard siken said “it keeps coming back to that: what do i do with these hands?” and when mitski said “i don't know what to do without you, i don't know where to put my hands” and when olivia gatwood said “what am i, if not yours? what do i do with my hands when they are just hands?” and when sylvia plath said “what did my fingers do before they held him? what did my heart do, with its love?”

i think the funniest and realist thing i’ve realized lately is how troubling idealization can be. every person is just… a person. the very people you want to impress or be apart of are just people. even if they seem wildly intimidating because of the way they look or because of their reputation, every one is just a person. human. as embarrassing, as remorseful and they are going through stages of growth just like you are. we only see what we want to see and then drown ourselves further in our own depression and we don’t have to.

truly and i am learning the less i idealise others, the more willing i am to meet people where they are warts n all. and the more willing i am to show myself too and bring my whole self into things. my own embarrassment becomes a new normal and fine thing. stumbling becomes more endearing.