genius brain words

In more exciting news, I finally have my own camp setup. Last week my partner got to tag along to a lil overnight backpacking trip and it was ME who carried the heavy bag, it was my tent we used, my camping stove, I had my own sleep system, I insisted on hiking with the heavy pack because I am starting to have confidence in myself and my body. I do feel that I lean heavily on the people around me who are more experienced to collect wood and start the fire and remind me not to whistle in the woods and all other things really because these gals grew up doing this shit. I think I'm getting off track.

The problem is I have a job now, and most of the time I was writing because of that restlessness, and now that it's gone, I don't feel the need to come to my computer and say every little thing I'm thinking. I thought at the very least it would be funny if my Tumblr posts represented the periods of my life where I was looking for work and going crazy about it, but I turned writing into a chore and no longer an escape (no that's pathetic I know).

Anyway, what I've learned since getting a job is that I am absolutely still capable of doing things I haven't done before. I am still a quick learner and a hard worker. I am absolutely someone employers should be happy to have found. I am not perfect but I am competent and I do my job damn well. I was worried I no longer held the ability to take on responsibility, but I have found myself in a job that expects me to perform a certain way, dress a certain way, and learn a whole lot about wine and learn the menu in a way I haven't had to for previous jobs, and I'm doing damn goof I think. Blow smoke up my ass it feel good.

Today it is pouring so I wont be going outside until I need to go to work I think. So a great excuse to get my ass in a chair in front of a computer click click clacking on the keys.

Bisous Bisous

She would hate to hear it but here I am a year later, im a different place in Canada. 10c but still complaining about the cold. Still struggling with unemployment but dont worry I did have work in between. And once again I have found myself writing everyday about how to deal with lack of motivation and implementing discipline into my life.

But personally, my boiling pot is an increasingly freezing apartment

When I say freezing I mean there is a layer of ice covering 2 of the windows

And thats inside

I wear the same amount of layers in here as I do on the street

The only reason I’m not wearing gloves in the house is because that feels like defeat

This is not supposed to rhyme

I feel my body is shutting down

Its choosing functions it doesn't think it needs and is slowing them down to a stop

Including motivation, movement, thought, personality, sanity

I mean, i would kind of like these functions back

but sure, its -20c and my netflix muscles are the only ones I still need

I think I will take that boiling pot now

At this point in my torment i wish I was at work 8 hours a day just for the warmth

I’ve had to forfeit caring about anything in the pursuit of survival

But I still care about money

Solely because money could buy me a warmer sweater

Or gloves without holes, some fuzzy socks maybe, a warmer heating setting

Or a bigger goddamn pot

This feels one stanza short

But my throat hurts

And I have exhausted my thinking muscle

Its going into hibernation now

Goodbye 

Ill see you in spring

Ps: FREEZING is not worth thinking the first 10 degree day is warm

It feels like when people say money doesn’t buy happiness

Money buys warmth 

I doodled for a week straight, I’m always working on decorating the flat, I cook in the few days post-grocery run when the pantry is stocked, I tried selling my stickers, I tried selling my services ;) jk not those kind of services. But I never get past the first step. I put myself on Fivrr but you know nobody is going to hire me there, I started a tumblr blog… and deleted every post i made because they were “too personal”, I started a secret instagram account to post my art and then forgot about it a week later, I go to the thrift store to find crafts and inspiration to create things, I watched the entirety of dexter in 2 weeks… that is impressive in the most depressing way. 

Anyway… what do people feel like when they feel inspired and motivated? I feel it like a spark but I can’t find the tools to ignite it. Maybe I don’t even have a spark, I have the desire for a spark. I feel something, but I don’t know what to do with it. I half ass everything. I tell myself to “just start, figure it out later” as opposed to procrastinating, but then I never get past that first step. There’s so many things I have access to do, I’m literally sitting at a computer with my ipad 1 foot away and my phone 5cm away… I am God… sorry… too far… I just mean we have the ability to do and to learn so many things now days, but I don’t know where to start, or even what to start. Should I get back into graphic design and actually pursue it? Should I be “authentically m

e” and do whatever the fuck I want (wtf do I even want?)? Should I be a business girly and try selling my art? Should I should I should I would I could I will I probably not. 

When I was younger I was decent if not good at many things, the whole damn world was at my finger tips and I was so ready to explore it all. Well now I’m 25 and if TV has taught me anything… I’m supposed to be wildly successful and an expert at SOMETHING. ANYTHING. NOT JUST BEING A MINIMUM WAGE SERVER. IM NOT EVEN AN EXPERT AT THAT BRO. 

I think my first good idea this month was to start writing and publishing it. And by publishing I mean hitting the post button on tumblr. The idea was to just write and get better without worrying about promoting it. But like, maybe i should? I go into all new endeavors with the secret desire to randomly get popular from an account I never promote but obviously that’s not how it works with me. That’s a tiktok dream and I am certainly not social media smart. I am some kind of smart, but i dont really know what or where. Also I just realized I dropped my metaphor of looking out onto the streets and at some point i will probably have to circle back and tie that back in. 

Ok so its not that I think I don’t have potential to be some form of successful, as we’ve established, I’m possibly a little bit smart, I feel like I have a decent personality and could be decent at being entertaining just being myself. But how does one even get there. Why do i want to get there and where am i even talking about. This is also a problem… I start strong and end up in a very weird stream of consciousness.

FUGGGGGGIT hit publish. Hit post. And dont you dare delete it next week. Maybe start reading your work back just once before you do though. Anyways. I’m still sitting at my kitchen window staring at the roads I'd love to someday walk. But for now I’m just gonna take the back roads, at least I’m getting out of the house.

Boom brought it back

For a good start to my blog, I deleted my first posts! No one may see my thoughts!

I'm sitting here at my computer, as I do, waiting for the inspiration to do something. There's so many things I could do. But which one. What even are they. I like ending questions with a.