unblessed-cubes

It ends and we turn it into poetry.

All that blood was never once beautiful.

It was always just red.

I cried when I didn’t get into university. I felt like I had done all I could, that it was too late to change anything, and that was the result. I felt alone, I felt scared, I felt like I had just started writing the final chapter of my life.

I cried when I knew it was the last time I would see them. It was supposed to be the same as every other day in August but my life will never be the same because of it. It’s for the better, it was always for the better, but I cried.

These events all happened years apart. Moments that I remember, find that are still within my brain. Even while they have nothing to do with each other, I feel like they are all intrinsically connected.

It took me a few minutes of staring at my drink before I realized it was your order. It always has been. You introduced me to the place so of course I’d always get the same thing.

I finished my coffee and went home. I no longer feel the need to detach parts of you from me.

I find myself falling in love with everyone around me. Any time a new person enters my life I’m convinced I will love them and they will love me. I’m scared I don’t know what friendship even is. Does this love I feel for those around me make me a great friend or an awful lover? Is this what it feels like to connect with people? To want to make friends?

If I’m confusing these feelings with love, did I ever love you to begin with?

For where is away if no where is home?

Even if we could be lovers, we’re as star crossed as they come. You’re going away soon and yet with the little time I’ve known you and have left with you, I will give you my heart.

Anything you give to me will be held onto for as a life line to another day.

I don’t get sick seeing you around anymore. You’d think it would hurt worse to see you happy but it doesn’t. It reminds me that we were once happy. That’s what I remember, you being loving and happy. It’s when I see you alone, smug and disheartened I remember the hurt. Your default wasn’t love, it was grit. I remember how tired I am. How worn down my bones are. I remember how I spent every second fighting.

People worn me about things and I never believe them. The poets say that they were never able to love again and I laughed. It’s been sixty eight days, 14 hours, and 26 minutes.

I distance myself from everyone around me, convince myself that I am not good enough for even their friendship.

I will never be able to love again.

That is what you have left me with.

You entered my mind after making it your full time home for years and years. Where did you go?

I feel guilty. I’ve been fighting to stay afloat more than I ever have before yet today my mind decided that you no longer held a place. It’s not fair to the people who still hurt that you can leave me, even momentarily. I feel everything so whole heartedly that a lapse in these feelings is uncomfortable. But for a second, you were gone.

For a second, I could imagine the sun rising the next day just as it always had.

It’s been two months as of today. I made it two months. I haven’t seen you in person in a few weeks. I have a tendency to let things leave my mind when they aren’t in front of me. If I see you again will it all come rushing back?

What if it doesn’t? What if I’m doing what everyone told me to do and moving on? Taking time and healing?

I fear this to be true. I do not know who I am without the hurt. What will I write about if not pain?

Maybe I’m destined to feel like this forever. Maybe it won’t be you but something else bringing me this crushing feeling.

I finally mustered up the courage a few weeks ago to block you everywhere you posted. I still love you but I couldn’t bare to see you that way. I told you I always wanted you to be happy and that’s still true, I just don’t want to hear anything about it.

I unblocked you. I wanted to see you. I haven’t seen you in so long. I was beginning to forget what you looked like and maybe it was for the better.

I remember now.

You look so different. Like a completely different person almost. It’s been two months but you look so much older, so much more mature. People keep telling me I’ve aged and they say loss will do that to a person. But you didn’t lose anything, you gave it all away.

You posted a video blowing out your birthday candles. You were completely alone and you filmed yourself blowing out the candles for the first time. Was everyone patiently waiting behind the camera or did you celebrate alone again?

I would’ve been there with you. We had planned for you to come home with me and celebrate with my family. I couldn’t wait.

Maybe you’re happy. Maybe not. I know I won’t be for a long time.

I wanted to write about how I felt, about the intricacies of my mind and emotions, but it never ends up the way I want it.

By the time I’m three lines in, I catch myself addressing the words on the page as if I’m writing a letter. As if I expect someone to be reading the stories I put down.

My thoughts are still addressed to you, you know. I don’t know how long they’ll last, but whenever I’m writing my brain expects you to read it. I write that I miss you, I write that it’s all your fault, I write that I realize it was me who wasn’t enough. I write the love letters I never got to send you, they’re piling up now. I fight to not read the ones you sent me all those years ago.

You may not be mine anymore, but a part of me will always belong to you. I’m forever broken and you hold the missing shard.

You saved me by letting me go and maybe I should be thankful but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you.

I think the pain comes from the expectation. I wasn’t happy, you didn’t treat me like I treated you, yet I stayed. I would’ve been by your side forever. You were happy. You were loved. I treated you like you were the center of the universe. You were the center of my universe.

Yet you left. You broke your promises and I’ll never speak to you again.

You could’ve been here with me, we could’ve grown together.

Instead you decided you wanted your own spin-off and had to spend your time in my head instead.

Now the light that fills my nights always leads me to you.

The devil tells me that I should read them, to bask in once was.